I mentioned in my last post that I am learning to live life again by my pain through pushing dark thoughts away. I realized after some time that the only way I was ever going to feel better was by taking charge of my mind. Pushing dark thoughts away takes some practice – over two years of practice in my case. I am still working on it, but I’m getting better. Our blogging friend NM needs some methods to try out in pushing away her dark thoughts. Do you have any that you are using?
My method comes from two of the therapists I have seen, as well as my marriage coach James. They all said the same thing about pushing dark thoughts away. Inside of your head, scream into your mind, “STOP!” The first few times I did it, the effect only lasted a few seconds, and the thoughts didn’t really go away. They just sort stayed behind a line that was a few feet away from me in my mind, and then pounced right back on me after those few seconds. But the therapists all said to keep doing it until it starts to make an impact. So I did, and it started to work. It’s still not a complete cure, but it does help to keep dark thoughts at bay for a while so that I can enjoy things again. As I said in my post, it now feels like they go behind a door. Sometimes they pound on the door and I have to “yell” at them again, but I can do it for periods of time, as long as I’m busy with people and I am determined not to let those dark thoughts ruin my day. When I’m alone, it’s still very difficult unless I’m doing something physical, like a rigorous workout or Tai Chi.
It’s all a mind game to me. At the beginning, I totally and absolutely hated the very idea that I had to play mind games in my own head in order to live my life after infidelity. I have always strived to live a clean and simple life so that I would never have to deal with this sort of thing. I did not choose this path. I did nothing to cause it except to trust in the one person who should have had my back. I was bitter and resentful about the whole thing.
But then I realized that things were not going to change unless I changed them. And the only way that I could start the change was to play those games in my head. So I did. I suppose there will come a point when I don’t need them anymore. As I have slowly opened myself up to God again, I see that meditating on Him is the very best medicine. That’s me personally and my faith.
Meditation with movement or chanting keeps the mind occupied and free from clutter and pain. Chanting, running, cardio workouts… they all work. Whatever kind of meditation you choose, I do believe very much in it.
I came across a YouTube video of a Buddhist monk levitating. It looked legit. My Asian husband has seen it himself. Powerful stuff, that meditation.
Tai Chi has become my favorite form of meditation. Once you know the steps of the routine well, you can focus on your breathing. That’s when I go into “the zone” and free my spirit of everything as I focus on perfection of form and breath as God breathes the force of life in and through me – chi. Too esoteric? Maybe. But for me, it works. Do you do any of my methods? Do you do anything different? Have you heard about anything different? I’d like to hear about anything and everything that might make a difference for us betrayed spouses in our recovery.