Deleting this site

It is with sadness and regret that I announce that I will close down my blog immediately. My husband has always hated it, and now he says he feels violated and betrayed by my sharing our personal story publicly. It doesn’t matter to him that no one knows our real names. I am agreeing to this on the condition that he agrees to work with me on healing.

I am not disappearing from our community. I will participate in conversations on other blogs and will see you around. Take care.

Love & prayers,
DJ

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37 thoughts on “Deleting this site

  1. rougedmount says:

    sad to see u leave

  2. Teresa says:

    DJ!!! I don’t know what to say!! Can you please leave it up for a few days so that we can get contact info from others on here?? Please?

  3. Liberty says:

    Take care DJ…I am going to miss your blog more than you will know.

    Liberty xoxo

  4. Holding On says:

    DJ, I haven’t commented very much, but I have loved reading your words. You wrote the words that I felt and uncovered thoughts that I was also struggling with. You were a step ahead in the process, and I grew strength from your growth and wisdom.

    Thank you so much for sharing with is. When recovery gets very difficult, I think of the people I have met through this, and it does make me smile. Thank you, DJ. Good luck to YOU and your future.

  5. cathmae says:

    DJ, I wish you both well. I hope this action on your part supports the movement you want in your marriage. If you’re hanging out on WordPress, stop my to say Hi. Hugs to you.

  6. Sorry to see you go!!! I hate that your outlet will be gone.

  7. kayboo24 says:

    This may be a blessing in disguise. JR has never really liked my blogging, but he would never ask me not to. The decision to let it go later this month was solely mine, but I know secretly he is relieved. I hope you move forward and I hope your husband does as well. Best of luck to you and your marriage. {{HUGS}}

  8. Honestly, I get it and he needs to be your priority.

  9. DJ what you are doing is so honoring to your husband! I AM SO TOUCHED!!! God will bless you tremendously for choosing to do this. You watch and see! I pray many blessings over your life and your marriage. You will be missed and I will be keeping you in my prayers. Blessings!

  10. SHAPE says:

    Many prayers, thoughts, and blessings and you move forward. Your comments will truly be missed, but I look forward to seeing your always insightful writings and comments on other posts elsewhere. Take care, my dear friend. You’ve been most helpful to me.

  11. You’ll be missed! Good luck in your journey towards healing.

  12. Flaca says:

    I too am sorry to see you go but I understand your decision. I too didn’t post very much but I did gain a lot of insight from your blog. Thank you for sharing. Best of luck to you.

  13. I’ll miss you, DJ! Much love to you in your newest phase of recovery.

  14. whinywife says:

    Good luck to you. I have followed you quietly. On April 8th, you posted how your marriage coach believed it was time to refocus, and you agreed. Do not just lay blame on your husband for closing this site down. Acknowledge that you are going to let go of the pain a bit and try to live and heal. I wish you the best on your journey.

  15. brokenjoan says:

    DJ, I will always remember my first cyber friend. I hope your husband knows how lucky he is! XOXO. Brokenjoan

  16. Teresa says:

    I guess I’m the only one who is NOT happy with this! I feel if Daniel is going to change then let him start making the changes NOW, then ask her to stop blogging…if he actually did that, then DJ wouldn’t need this blog, would she?
    But I see this as manipulation, pure and simple….Where is the love and understanding that a CS SHOULD have for what he’s put his wife through? Why demand this of her, when he KNOWS this has been her only outlet, since he refuses to do the work she needs to heal?
    OF COURSE no CS likes their BS to blog….LOL, why would they put them first, why would they care that this actually helps them and others like them, people who are hurting, bewildered…This decision makes me sad, and I don’t see it as a “good thing” because I can guarantee you that Daniel won’t change, he’s not going to do the work….if he saw his wife curled into a ball on the floor, sobbing her heart out and didnt change then….do you REALLY think shutting down her blog is going to do it??? Really??

    • brokenjoan says:

      I agree with Teresa, this just might be the new pessimistic me talking, but I think her husband is wrong for asking her to do this, also as Leise pointed out, he still has not owned up to what he did, and I don’t see how making her quit doing something that has helped her is the right thing to do and if he really cared about her he would want her to be able to do whatever gives her any sort of comfort. That’s just my opinion, such as it is, but I stick by it. I do feel really bad for DJ because this is not the actions of a husband who is working on anything, but his inflated ego, which is one of the things that put him where he is today. brokenjoan

  17. DJ. Your blog is one of the first places I landed when my world was blown to pieces. You were my balm of gilead when I was fairly convinced I would not make it. That I was crazy and everything I was feeling and thinking was wrong. I don’t have a blog, but maybe we could touch base occasionally via email. Your wisdom has had value beyond words for me.

    I was excited to read your post that you were ready to take the blog to the next level. I am ready for that in my world as well. Given that positive step forward in faith and good will, I am surprised he asked you to stop blogging. But, I applaud you for continuing to honor your marriage. To honor your husband as God calls us to do. Not perhaps, because he deserves it, but because God does. Lifting you up in prayer today, and thanking God for you.

  18. Leise-Falyon says:

    I agree with you Teresa… I outed my husband from day one. I made him own his choices and mistakes. Before I would even consider staying, I made him call his parents (right in front of me) and tell them what he did. I then made him call her husband. I never protected him. I never used a fake name and I told everyone I knew and continued to meet, how he had we were healing from my husband cheating on me.

    It wasn’t my shame and I wasn’t going to carry that burden. I had been hurt enough, I didn’t need to live in shame on top of it all. Trust me it doesn’t protect you or your family to hide in shame, that is even more damaging.

    If he was going to change, he would have to take full responsibility for his actions. Who are you protecting by hiding your names. Shame is a killer. Shame is only healed when you take it out of the closet. Do you think that it will hurt less if you hide it? Do think that your are protecting yourself? Trust me you are not! Nothing has made me prouder than watching my husband say to friends or even strangers at parties in front of many people, “Yes, I did that and this is why it will never happen again…” Because my husband was force to take responsibility for his actions, he had to ‘Man Up!’ And who doesn’t want their husbands to do that? MAN UP! Isn’t that what all of us feel that he didn’t do in the first place. Instead they acted like spoiled little children, who only cared about themselves.

    DJ, You do whatever you need to do to heal, but forcing your husband to ‘Man Up’ will only make your healing happen faster. Has he told his family? Has he had to tell his friends right in front of you? You need to make sure he tells the truth when he speaks. That is the first step to Maning Up!

    With love,
    Leise-Falyon

  19. Robin says:

    DJ – Been here, done this. I stopped posting over a year ago for exactly the same reasons. I would make two suggestions.

    First, don’t delete it, just make it a private archive. That will honor your husband’s desire for privacy and your therapist’s suggestion that the focus of the blog is keeping you mired in pain. Judging by my experience, however, a part of the desire for the blog to go away is that its existence – and the truths it contains – makes it difficult for him to be comfortable with himself and his actions. Once the feelings and actions are no longer written down, they begin to take a different shape or no longer exist in his memory and therefore in his expectations of you…which is perhaps much more comfortable for your husband, but can lead to some disorientation for you as you try to reconcile an account of the last several years that is quite different from your memory of them. If the mental tension gets too great, you can check your record of events very simply.

    Second, keep writing – privately online, in a paper diary, just in a calendar so that you have a frame of reference. When I stopped writing, I rarely even read or commented on other blogs in the little community that you and I had joined. I also didn’t write in a diary or express myself in any other way…and it turns out that the writing was really a way for me to keep track of progress…or lack thereof. I am almost four years into this experience, and the last year has actually been the worst – with some horrible truths coming out, not just about the affair, but also about the fabric of my marriage. Because I wasn’t writing, it just became a jumble in my head, and my attempts to internalize my my husband’s insistence that we were doing really well and that everything was fine when I didn’t feel that way created serious internal stress. It wasn’t until I actually sat down and wrote down just the events of the last year – not even the feelings, just the events – and then went back and read some of my entries from the last three years that I realized that I was not having a breakdown. Instead, we had just not made any progress on the original problem, while additional stressors were being added constantly. I think many of the issues we are now dealing with could have been avoided if I had at least kept a timeline of events…just so that I could keep my life straight in my own head!!

    Good luck – sharing with you made a deeply painful journey easier.

    Robin

  20. brokenjoan says:

    DJ, come on he had the nerve to tell you he feels betrayed by you. What kind of man says that to his wife after the way he betrayed you?
    Just saying! Your friend, brokenjoan

  21. I hope that closing your blog brings you some peace… I have to say I feel mixed about your reason for closing down the blog. We are all sending you hugs and well-wishes.

  22. cathmae says:

    Wow… some strong reactions. DJ, you are the best person to make this decision.
    People…. DJ did not make this decision lightly. I have no doubt she intends to hold Daniel to his word. Some of what has been said imply that his feelings of shame are good for DJ and her marriage. Shame is the lowest emotion… it does not heal. She understands what it means to be betrayed and as a woman who remains committed to her husband and their marriage, perhaps she is responding with empathy to his feelings of betrayal. I know DJ is very loved by us all and we want to protect her, so perhaps it’s understandable that some are reacting so harshly. I think she deserves the support she has given us all.

    • wallybear12 says:

      I’m sure

      I’m sure she gave this a great deal of thought, and was letting us know what her decision was and why, we just need to support her with love and prayers to go through the next phase in her recovery.

    • Leise-Falyon says:

      Do you understand that shame = hiding?

      It is not shame if you “Out It” and take responsibility for it. That is the opposite of Shame… It is shame if you hide it in the closet!

  23. phoenixrisingk says:

    Sorry to see you go.

  24. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    DJ, I wish You and Daniel well. I am TRULY going to miss you, but you are doing the right thing for your marriage, as this is the way your husband feels. God Bless You & Daniel, your marriage, and your entire family!

    • betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

      P.S. please don’t think I’m taking this lightly, DJ. Although I understand your decision to honor your husband’s feelings–even after he so grievously dishonored yours–I feel like I’m losing yet another friend, and it hurts, REALLY hurts. But, as I said previously, I understand and I wish you all the best life has to offer!

  25. Geena says:

    Leise-Falyn, I agree with what you wrote about the shame = hiding. My ex-husband cheated and while we were in counseling for that, he cheated again. I had no choice but to protect myself and our young children and divorce him. I was a very outgoing person with a lot of friends, and I just retreated from everyone. I was (am) so embarrassed about his cheating and our divorce. I cut off facebook (had 500 friends) and went into a self-imposed isolation, just focused on my children. After 2 years I am re-emerging, but still hold that shame and embarrassment. I don’t want to deal with the questions about my divorce, and I feel like a failure for being in this situation, so I can’t completely be myself anymore. I am still not able to re-join facebook and connect with everyone I had been so close to my whole life. I am very protective of my children and don’t want to publicly bad-mouth their dad, so I struggle with the shame myself. He has no problem flaunting one of his mistresses everywhere. I wish I could move past this shame, but he won’t hold himself accountable, as your husband is doing, and I feel stuck in this hiding spot.

    I will definitely miss this blog. I hope everything goes well for you, DJ. You are an amazing, strong woman, and I hope Daniel appreciates your sacrifice with this blog and cherishes and honors you, as you do him, even after his betrayal. I am thankful for this online community, since until you have experienced it, you can’t relate to the pain, shock, and devastation of your spouse’s cheating. It is comforting to learn the similar stories of others who completely understand and provide hope for moving past the pain.

    Thanks, everyone.
    Geena

    • betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

      Geena, YOU have NOTHING to be ashamed of! Your ex-husband is the cause of your divorce, NOT you! You are not alone, Geena. Below I’ve reprinted an entry I originally posted in “Comments” @ http://www.whyhaveanaffair.wordpress.com/2013/02/08/hysterical-bonding

      I am an African American grandma. In 1981 my physically and mentally abusive serial-cheating husband deserted his family. On every DDay prior to the final affair that resulted in his leaving, I received from him the usual begging and pleading for my forgiveness, and promises that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. After fathering an OC (a baby girl) with one of his affair partners, he left me for yet another affair partner (not the OC’s mother) whom he later married. He left me pregnant with our third child (a girl), as well as our 2-years-old and 1-year-old sons. Having EXTREMELY low self-esteem at that time in my life (and therefore not realizing that I was actually better off for him leaving), I was absolutely devastated and ashamed. (My parents were happily and solidly married for nearly forty years until my father died in 1995, and divorce made me feel like the “black sheep” of the family [no pun intended]. My mother is also now deceased.)

      Despite all the negative things that had occurred in my marriage, I loved the ground my husband walked on, and I literally wanted to die after he abandoned us. In fact, I attempted suicide when my husband abandoned us, and it landed me in the hospital for over a week. Although my devastating grief could maybe EXPLAIN such a reckless act, NOTHING can ever EXCUSE it – mainly because I was PREGNANT! (She is now a very healthy 31-yr-old businesswoman. ) When I think of the damage my selfish act could’ve done to my unborn child, even though I survived the suicide attempt; as well as the devastating legacy I would’ve foisted upon our 2 baby sons had my attempt succeeded – all because of my heartache over my children’s serial-cheating father, coupled with my excessively low self-esteem – I am STILL ashamed to this day and will never COMPLETELY forgive myself! However, I am now a “tough-as-nails” BETRAYAL SURVIVOR, and sincerely GRATEFUL to have lived to see my 4 (so far) grandkids!

      As a divorced mother I worked full time as an administrative assistant and raised my kids. They are now 31, 33 and 34; all have attended college; my sons are married with children of their own; my daughter is an unmarried (by her choice) and childless businesswoman (“you go, girl!” ); and all of them are successful. My three children’s half-sister (the OC) is a magnificent woman who is 32 and married with an adorable son, and my children love and have been very close to their sister for many years. She’s also one of my Facebook “friends.” (Twenty years ago her mother called me and apologized for having slept with my husband, and I accepted her apology. I NEVER blamed my children’s sister, because human beings have absolutely no control over the circumstances of our births. The adultery was committed by her father and mother, NOT by the innocent child!)

      Although my children love their father (of course they do, because he is their father, after all, and always will be), they have told me (AND him) several times through the years that they DON’T RESPECT him, due to his past behavior toward me and his betrayal and abandonment of me AND them. My children have told me (AND their father) that they love AND respect me, and hold me in high regard for how I survived the life-shattering heartbreak and calamity that was forced upon me by their father’s actions back then.

      It wasn’t easy raising three children alone by a long shot (I remarried after they were grown), but with God’s grace those childrearing years were the very best times of my life! (BTW, my children’s father -– my ex-husband -– who left me for wife #2, is now with wife #4. Go figure.)

  26. Aimer Shama says:

    Robin, you’re awesome.
    Listen to them, DJ.
    I agree. Two really good options are:
    1- Make private.
    2- Delete the posts causing the problems.
    And in both cases, be positive!

  27. Liberty says:

    Dj. Sorry to hear this. You still have my email? Would love to catch up.

    Liberty ♡

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