I’m home

overcoming bitterness

Greetings, everyone! My best to you all. I have been cheered and touched by the comments you’ve written while I was gone. I had a few moments here and there where I could get online and I read everyone’s comments. Thank you. But I am happy to report now that I am home – back to my family and my job and my INTERNET CONNECTION! Thank God! It feels like I have been away for a long, long time and that I am changed in many ways. Thank God for that, too. It was time.

I am still a little congested and have some heaviness in my lungs, but I am so much better than when I left. My daughter is also doing well and we are certain that we will make it through everything — so much so that we are planning a family trip for October.

So I am back. However, my online marriage coach – Coach James – feels that my blog is keeping the pain close to my heart. He says I am surrounded by pain and I keep the memories fresh by reliving them over and over. I have fought with my husband over this since we were three months out from discovery of his affair. At that time Coach James encouraged me to continue. There is a time and place for grieving, and I needed that for almost two and a half years. We all do, for a lot longer than most people think we do. But today, James asked me to look at the topic cloud that I keep on the left side of the page. It is filled with the horrors of infidelity, and rightfully so. But at what point do I shift from grieving over the pain and sorrow, and start to fill my topic cloud with words of affirmation and overcoming? It’s different for everyone, and depends a lot on the help of the cheating spouse. I have struggled because I do not have much help from Daniel. It’s not that he isn’t a caring husband. He just hasn’t given me what I need to heal. But I can’t stay stuck forever. Regardless his actions, my time for change is now. I am ready.

There was an experience that pushed me to take control and take action. We stayed with Daniel’s brother and his wife for a part of my time away. That is one unhappy marriage. They have both made monumental mistakes in their lives. Daniel’s brother is very much like Daniel, and he did not give his wife what she needed to heal from his mistakes. To this day, he has not even acknowledged some of them. They are about 10 years older than Daniel and me. They look 20 years older. She is a bitter, unhappy woman. She is miserable in her life and she brings down everyone around her. It’s so sad. She is not a bad woman or an evil woman. She is just a hurting woman. Her husband is not going to change now, not unless he is forced to. She doesn’t believe there will ever be a change and she won’t try for it. So they are stuck. They are doomed to stay stuck in their miserable, unhappy lives.

As I watched them, I realized that this could be me 10 years from now. If I don’t change my path, I will become a bitter, unhappy woman. I have already talked about bitterness and resentment seeping into my being. I am sentencing myself to a life like that of my sister-in-law — if I don’t make some changes.

And so I’d like to change the focus here. We’ve talked long and in great detail about pain and grief in the aftermath of infidelity. The pain is like no other. But when we are ready, how do we move away from it? I feel I am standing at a crossroads yet again. I will explore this with you, if you’d like to choose the side of the fork in the road where I am going. I know there will be days when we fall down and wallow in the old hurts and pains, but we can keep moving forward together. What do you think?


26 thoughts on “I’m home

  1. Bravo DJ!!! I look forward to seeing what’s on the other side of the road for you! Many Blessings and welcome back!

  2. Teresa says:

    Welcome home!!!! ((Hugs)) I’ve missed you! ๐Ÿ˜€ And I’m excited for you, DJ…and us!!! Yes, lets take this in a more positive direction, because we all have to heal, one way or another, whether with your CS or on your own!!
    My mother in law is like your sis in law…a bitter, unhappy woman…and I’ve told my H repeatedly, I won’t be like her!
    So I’ve been working on myself, and I’m happy…sure I have my bad days, but not as often and not as long as before…And I like that! I don’t want to go back to that unhappy person again!

    • Not Over It says:

      Teresa! I’ve missed you, too, very much.

      I am looking forward to a season of many smiles and much laughter. We will still have tears, but as you said, they will not last long and will not hold us back from the fruitful life God intended for us.

      It’s so good to be able to walk on this journey with you,Teresa. It means a lot to me.

      Love & prayers,

      • Teresa says:

        DJ, I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have the friends I’ve found on this blog and EAJ!! I think of all I’ve been through…the pain, the tears, harmful, destructive thoughts, horrible anger, FEAR of a future alone….And I keep thinking of the verse in Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
        I guess you COULD say that a better marriage between my H and I won’t save MANY lives, but it will impact four VERY important lives….our children!!
        So I chose to think along those lines, that the marriage I had before was not an honest one, because obviously my H had some deep, deep issues that neither of us were aware of….but we are now and he’s getting the help he needs to overcome his Passive Aggressive behavior that was so harmful to me, our children and our marriage!
        So as we struggle and yes, sometimes we fight…STILL…lol, most times (not always! My H still struggles with this one, A LOT) we are more open and honest in what we want and expect from each other, So that is better than what we had before!
        This song is a favorite of Liberty’s and now mine….Hope it helps others on the blog http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VquoupNiypI
        Forgiveness is NOT an easy thing to do. But with God, ALL things are possible!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. katesworld40 says:

    Welcome to the other side of healing! Like every journey, it all begins with one baby step. Letting go of the pain is not an easy process, especially when there is still resentment. Trust me I know! But it can be a fulfilling journey. Allow yourself to experience all emotions good, bad and ugly because there will be plenty of times when the ugly will rise to the top of everything. Acknowledge it for what it is, deal with that issue. Don’t ignore it! Then try to move on. It’s going to happen, let it then put it away.

    Start with one thing that Daniel does that makes your heart happy. Focus on the goodness that does exist in your relationship. When you come across something that not so attractive, address. It.won’t.be.easy!!. There will be reactions that you may not like, but that is the new skin of healing that needs to grow.

    I wish you luck in your journey and peace and health for you and your daughter.

    I am 3 yrs and 4 mos post D-Day and I chose to stay. This year we will celebrate 21 years of marriage. It isn’t the same marriage we started with but it is a strong marriage that is worth saving.

    Make Your Own Adventure!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Kate – There is a lot that Daniel does to make my heart happy. He really tries his best to keep his word to me after Dday… he said I would never regret staying.

      Despite his best efforts, he often misses the mark, and there have been and still are days when I do regret it, but it always passes. Like Kayboo says, leaving him would be like cutting off my arm. If gangrene develops, that might be necessary, but I will do everything possible to keep that from happening.

      Thank you for writing. I have visited your blog and find it interesting!

      Love & prayers,

  4. cathmae says:

    DJ… so glad to see this post! I’ve missed you. I’m happy to hear that your health is better and that your daughter is doing well. Congrats on taking steps on this new path!

  5. Liberty says:

    DJ….so happy your home and feeling better!

    I’m happy you posted this now, I am at the place where I need to move forward too. My counselor told me last week…I’m just hurting myself if I keep it up front in my mind instead of putting happier thoughts and events up front. Today is 10 months D Day…and you know what? I am not even going to let it ruin my day!!! I don’t even care!

    I want to be in a happy place with only occasional tears and sadness.

    Love you all for helping me thru…I know for a fact I would not be where I am now if not for all of you…..when I found DJ I was at the lowest time in this recovery. I have made friends that I count on and look forward to hearing from. And thanks to Teresa, now I am not mad at God anymore and I am getting my faith back.

    Take care. xoxo Liberty

    • Teresa says:

      Awwww…thx Liberty!!! ๐Ÿ˜€ You’ve become a sweet friend who encourages me when I need it most!! I know how it is to be angry at God, I was there for over a year….but now my faith is what is getting me though the hard days that I still have from time to time… God didn’t turn His back on me, He loves me and wants complete healing for me AND my H…and for you too!! โค

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Liberty – you have moved forward so quickly, and I’m so glad to see it.

      I’m planning to spend most of the time here on studying affairs and how to recover, with God’s help. As I’ve said, I was so mad at God at the beginning that I turned my back on Him. Coach James said that it was ok. He reminded me that many of the great people in the Bible also went through periods of shaking their fists at God. But God still worked it all out for the good and brought them back to a place of peace.

      God does not promise that we would always live in happiness and peace in this life. He does promise that He will be there with us every step of the way. Looking back, I can see that He was, even when I was so angry with Him that I refused to acknowledge Him. If I had not had that terrible experience with my first counselor, I would never have looked online for a counselor. And what did I find when I did? Coach James. The best thing a betrayed spouse like me could have ever hoped for… an answer to a prayer I didn’t know I prayed. That what I call James. And I also know what to say to betrayed spouses today who are looking for a counselor, from first hand experience.

      Glad to be walking this journey with you, Liberty!

      Love & prayers,

  6. Leise-Falyon says:

    I am so proud of you DJ… You are awesome!!!!

  7. brokenjoan says:

    DJ, Am so glad to hear you and your daughter are doing so much better. And I can see you want to move on, but I am still not far enough out to see beyond today much less what my future will hold with my husband. I don’t want to bring anyone down, but I know I am hurting too much right now to do anything but vent my feelings toward my husband and his girlfriend. I wish you all the best, you and Leise were the first people I met on these blogs, didn’t even know such sites existed. But both of you are way ahead of where I am at this moment. I think I still need to talk to women whose emotions are still as raw as mine. At just 6 months past D-Day, I don’t know if I will ever be where you and Leise are, I can only hope I don’t live the rest of my life with this much hatred inside me. May the rest of your life be filled with nothing but good things, you deserve it. Your friend, brokenjoan

    • Not Over It says:

      Oh Joan – you don’t need to stop visiting here. We will still talk of many things that will be pertinent to you. In the process of recovery, we go around and around the same feelings, the same questions, over and over. That’s why I like calling it the emotional tornado… around and around, slamming into things all around us and going over and over the same things,

      When I say things that newly betrayed spouses cannot attain yet, I will say so. But much of what we will talk about will either apply to you now, or will apply to you sometime soon.

      Of course, you will need to commiserate with other newbies, but you will still find a place here and people who understand.

      Love & prayers,

  8. Teresa says:

    Yes Brokenjoan, don’t leave!! We have all been where you’re at right now….and we can help you!
    Look, I’m moving on, but that doesn’t mean I’m completely healed…my H and I still have issues that need to be dealt with, particularly his Pasive Aggressive issues and his failure to be there when I need him most….but I’m forging ahead with MY plans for my life….he’s going to be left in my dust, but I think that’s what he prefers, he KNOWS the dusty path that he’s on, he’s been there his whole life!
    But I have to Let Go and Let God…I can’t change him, believe me, I’VE TRIED!!!
    So now I’m letting go, we are not going back to counseling, it hasn’t done him any good that I can see….but it did help me identify and deal with my anger, so that’s good!
    My H is a good man, a hard worker, he’s home in the evening, not out with friends, and we’re somewhat happy together, but there is something missing….lack of intimacy, I feel it, but he obviously doesn’t, so he’s content with the way things are….I’m not, but I have to learn to live with it, I did for the first 25 yrs of our marriage, I was just hoping that after Dday he’d be so shocked and upset by his behavior that he’d work his butt off to try to fix himself….but that’s not happening!
    He himself has admitted that he only does about 30% of the work he should be doing, and needs to do more, yet, he doesn’t!
    So I’m like DJ, ready to move on with my life! I’m involved in several summer projects at my church, making new friends, training to run a 5K!

    I was feeling kinda down today, cried actually, but then on read this on a friends FB….and it really helped me to see that I’m not alone, God is with me….
    “Faith rests in what Christ has already done on the cross and in our lives. Faith also hopes for what He will do for us in the future. Faith builds on the victories of yesterday to help us face the valleys of today and the questions about tomorrow. Faith in God is sure and certain, believing that God is who He says He is and that He will do what He says He will do. When we believe that God will fulfill His promises, even though we canโ€™t see a single promise materializing, we are exercising faith. Faith does not bypass pain. It does, however, empower us to deal with pain. Faith steps up to the bat and invites the opponent to throw his best pitch. Sometimes faith strengthens us, and other times, surprises us. Great faith is forged in the deepest valleys, beginning where our strength and power end.”
    God gave me what I needed today….and he’ll give me what I need tomorrow and the days afterwards!

  9. brokenjoan says:

    Thank you DJ and Teresa for your kind words and for inviting me to stay, I didn’t want to leave, I just didn’t want to bring anyone down with my anger and negative husband bashing. I love to hear from all of you and will continue to try and take your good advice. A big hug to all of you. brokenjoan

    • Liberty says:

      Brokenjoan, when I found DJ’s blog I was not sure if I would stay in my marriage or not. I thought I would die from the pain…at one point I told DJ that I was done and moving out and she encouraged me not to give up yet. She said it was to soon to be making those kind of decisions. I thought I could not make it thru another day! At one point we did seperate for about 2 months, but he is back and we are doing better. We are still in counseling, once a week. I am so glad for DJ and the others for all the advice they gave me. Please stay. It will help! Take care of yourself. WIthout a doubt this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Try to ge good to your self. Liberty xoxo

      • brokenjoan says:

        Thank you Liberty for your kind words, how can I leave when there are so many smart, sometimes funny, and always caring women who never fail to reach out a helping hand even though their own lives are in such turmoil. I feel like I have made wonderful friends during my short time here, and if everyone can handle my mood swings (and I know if anyone on earth can it would be another betrayed wife.) then I would love to stay and listen to all the good advice I have received here, and as time goes by to use some of it to better my life with or without my husband.
        Thanks again, I now have a new friend to talk to. brokenjoan xoxo

    • Leise-Falyon says:

      Dear Joan,
      I am glad to hear you are sticking around… You have every right to your anger and negative husband bashing. And you keep expressing your anger as long as you need. Suppressing your anger would only cause you more pain and abuse.
      I realized recently how many people keep the infidelity a secret in their lives. This makes sharing on blogs and websites even more important.
      Take care and big hugs,

      • brokenjoan says:

        Dear Leise, thank you for your words of encouragement and I can tell from what you said that even though it has been years since your D day that you still remember those days when anger towards the other woman and your husband was the only motivation to get thru the day.
        My husband is still in our home and even though I still get angry, I am now mostly hurt and confused by his need to go else where for whatever he needed. Oh well baby steps, right? Thanks again for hanging in there with me. Your friend, brokenjoan
        P.S. Don’t think I don’t notice you don’t call me broken anymore, is that your gentle hint to quit playing my pity card? LOL. XOXO

      • Leise-Falyon says:

        Dear Joan,
        Not the pity card, the Victim card. I believe the words we say and the labels we put on ourselves create our future. You don’t deserve to be broken tomorrow or even next year. That is the first step toward healing; realizing that your today will manifest your tomorrow. So maybe HealingJoan? Do you want to manifest a broken Joan next year or a healing Joan?

  10. SHAPE says:

    DJ – I’m so glad you are better and am in agreement with the future direction of your blog. Also would encourage those who are just a few days or months out to keep reading. Those back and forth days, up and down times still occur, but it is also encouraging to others to know things can get better. We all can use the understanding and support of others no matter where we are in this journey. Everyone who posts here has been a help to me, and I’m especially thankful for all of that.

  11. Paula says:

    Great stuff, DJ. I wish you well in this new phase of your life. I am also moving in a new direction, finally, and I wish all who visit here love and light xxx

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