Rick Reynold’s Nine Signs of an Emotional Affair

soul mates

I’ve read many articles on emotional affairs, but the way this one is written tweaked things in my mind and got me thinking. My marriage still carries some of the conditions necessary for an emotional affair. It’s kinda scary and I intend to do something about it. I can handle some of the items by myself by just bringing the right things into our marriage. Some of the things I will have to get my husband to sit and take seriously with me. Will he? If he doesn’t, I think we’re doomed.

Here is a link to the original article by Rick Reynolds:

http://affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/nine-signs-of-an-emotional-affair#comment-18147

The first two items on Rick’s list are what concerns me most. I know my husband isn’t having another affair right now and most of the other 7 items do not affect us right now, but if the first two items are not dealt with, the others can follow at some point. This is what Rick wrote about the first two items:

1.Intimacy avoidance: To have an emotional affair it’s helpful to forgo intimacy and substitute closeness (in your marriage). Intimacy is the willingness to know your mate as well as a willingness to be known. Avoid speaking up and creating conflict in your marriage. Instead settle for closeness and avoid the risk of rejection by your mate. To have an emotional affair it’s necessary to compromise yourself in order to make your mate happy. Intimacy avoidance allows you to silence the conversations which brought your marriage together and opens up the door for new opportunities. Avoiding rejection can successfully foil your mate’s attempts to know you and create new desire for a connection from an acquaintance, or newfound friend on the Internet. Save conversations about marital dissatisfaction for your ”friend”. Dealing directly with your mate about marital issues can rob you of opportunities to connect with someone outside the marriage.

2.Approval seeking: The void created by those fearing rejection and settling for false intimacy creates a craving for the approval of others. It won’t be long until you discover someone who listens well and who’s fascinated by the words you speak. Pursuing opportunities to acquire their validation will help fuel the flame for more. It’s not really an affair, right? What’s wrong with talking with someone who tells you how good you look or who is fascinated by your success, or who appreciates your accomplishments? Allow yourself to believe this new person accepts your true self and don’t forget to blame your mate for not providing the same validation as your new friend.

I think my husband avoids real intimacy with me because he cannot handle that line – “a willingness to be known.”  He cannot face what he did, and does not want me to look at it, either, and so he hides behind a veneer of anger to avoid the possibility of having to look at his guilt and his shame.

This keeps us from being truly intimate with each other, knowing and being known, by one another.  It creates a wall between us that grows ever higher and thicker.  This may eventually drive us far enough apart that he may again decide to seek approval from others.  He thinks there is no way I can ever really approve of him anymore, no matter what I say or do to prove otherwise.  He does not hear me or accept my attempts to open up to him.  He is nine inches taller than me, and when I attempt intimate conversations, I can see him raise his chin in a subconscious effort to hold me away from his heart even when we are hugging each other.  It is not purposeful.  He’s not trying to put me out and let someone else in.  Not this time anyway.  I think he is trying to bury his pain and suffering. But the result is the same. He and I cannot connect intimately as a husband and wife should. This could lead to him coming upon someone who does not share his history of the hell of the aftermath of infidelity, someone who could share with him the other 7 items on Rick’s list.

I think you know I’m not talking about sex here when I say I attempt intimate conversations. I’m talking about what Rick was talking about: opening up to one another to fully know each other’s hearts and minds. That’s what I have been searching for and what is lacking in my marriage. My husband and I are close. We do many things together and enjoy each other’s company. We laugh and have fun and enjoy wonderful sex. We have formed a united front in helping our daughter through her health problems. But he holds back when it comes to sharing his deepest thoughts and feelings, which I suspect are still filled with his guilt and shame.

I have come along far enough in healing that I don’t need complete transparency anymore… just a few checks when some trigger comes up.  But I am realizing that the transparency was a means of reaching out for the intimacy which had been given to his affair partner for six long years.

An open door for more trouble… it’s scary for a betrayed spouse to realize this.

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21 thoughts on “Rick Reynold’s Nine Signs of an Emotional Affair

  1. That article was excellent… reblogging!

  2. Still Loving Him says:

    I don’t think I’d realized that your H’s affair lasted 6 years. I thought I had the high score for husband physically cheating, mine had an affair for 6 years but cheated with many for 7 years.

    I know exactly what you mean about the intimacy and being transparent. It took my husband putting me through 4 months of hell before he finally got there. Until we reconnected in that way I hadn’t realized (or registered) that he rarely looked me in the eye when we talked.

    Now he looks me in the eye every time we talk and he checks in with me emotionally everyday. Our level of closeness now feels more like it did when we first got married. I don’t ever want to go back.

    I hope you and your H find a way to reconnect on that deep emotional level.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey Still – My husband cheated on me twice that I know of. I suspect there have been others, but it’s just a gut feeling. I read an article the other day that recommended the cheating spouse to write out EVERY single time they had betrayed the marriage with the affair partner – every single hotel stay, every single gift, and on and on. That would be impossible for your husband or mine. It was too long. My daughter went to college, got married and had a baby in less time than his affair lasted. It’s crazy. There is no part of our lives that has not been touched by it. That took a long time for me to get my head around.

      There’s another person here, too, who survived a long-term affair. Aaron at Aaron’s Truth. His wife had an EA that lasted six years. Like with Aaron’s wife, my husband’s other woman was an old flame. My husband’s first love… It made it seem like our entire relationship, from beginning to end, had all been a lie. He was trying to move on, but never really did. He says today that spending six years with her made him finally realize that she had never been the right woman for him. The right woman had been his faithful wife all along. I still don’t quite believe that.

      I’m glad you have already found a way to be truly intimate. Hopefully Daniel and I will get there, too.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • Still Loving Him says:

        My husband did a repentance list that included 13 women he had inappropriate contact with, 9 of them he had actual sex with and one of those was the 6 year affair. He was able to list some specifics but not very many. It would have been impossible for him to remember everything.

        During his years of infidelity he adopted my daughter, got custody of his son and we built a house and bought a vacation home.

        For him the affairs existed in another world completely separate from our life together.

        My husbands main AP (6 years) was a woman he worked with and otherwise would have had nothing to do with. He did not have a relationship with her outside of work, all of their hook-ups happened during travel for work. She was also married and had 3 kids. I’ve told him its like he had a wife at work too.

        Yes, you got it right when you said there has not been any part of our life not touched by his infidelity. It’s part of us now, part of our story.

  3. cathmae says:

    Whoa. My husband has kept me at a distance from the beginning and I have consistently avoided conflict all along. This article drives it home for me that we’ve been strangers to each other for all that time and it makes me really sad. I think I’ve always understood that my marriage became troubled almost from the beginning even though it took 30 years to implode. Thank you for sharing this, DJ.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Cath – I think many couples fall into the trap of dismissing intimacy in order to keep the peace. I do it, too. We keep secrets and tell them to others, keeping our spouses in the dark about many things. It opens the door…

      You’re welcome, Cath, but the one we all need to thank is Rick Reynolds, who often writes things that helps me put meaning into my experiences.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  4. SHAPE says:

    DJ, you have hit the proverbial nail on the head. So much of what you say is exactly what I am dealing with. We may have a shared closeness now but rarely a real intimacy. This post from Rick was very good – a keeper for sure. I’d like to get my husband to read it. I’ll try – he seems more willing to read short articles than books or chapters in books. But then after reading something it is hard to get him to discuss it. I just have to hope it has given him something to think about

    • Not Over It says:

      SHAPE! Been wondering how you are… so glad to hear from you.

      As I said to Cath, I believe this is something very common. In order to enjoy moments together and get along on the surface, we keep things from our spouses or push our inner feelings aside, sacrificing intimacy for peace. It’s what we do with most of our relationships. But with our spouses, it cannot stay that way. We learned it the hard way.

      Hope all is well with you otherwise, SHAPE.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  5. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    Excellent post, DJ, but that’s usual for you! 😀 I’ve forwarded this post to several bloggers.

  6. nmwf1 says:

    Hi Dj, What happens when its rather one sided. In the beginning after DD, I was in a severe shock mode and after the initial rage and meltdown, I sort of went into a mode of trying to say I forgive, its not a big deal, I’m going to let this go. I’m not going to let this thing drag me down. But that mode didn’t last long, as you know its been a hell of a roller coaster ride for me, however, I do tell him the things I think and feel and what bothers me and what makes me happy and everything in between. Yes sometimes it comes out in a rage, meltdown, or what ever, but he has never opened up to me except to tell me how sorry he is or how much pain he feels for hurting me or things like that but not anything of deep thoughts he has or what he thinks about. The way he loves me now is very passionate and we talk about things in a close way but not that closeness that you are talking about in an intimate since, really knowing what he thinks about or wants, I don’t have a fear of him having another affair, I think my reaction to this one was more than he could take in one life time. But I need that from him. I want him to tell me things of substance and not just apologetic aspect. i almost feel like he is a surface thinker. In other words he doesn’t seem to know what I want to understand about him. I must say and (you always know I sort of say what I think) I still feel in my heart that no matter what the reasons for an affair are, or all of the formulas that set the stage for an affair, or all the deep analyzing about what we could have done different to change what the outcome might have been or could change in the future, it still boils down to one thing, They always had a choice, and the choice they made was to see if the grass is greener on the other side when faced with temptation, My husband could have talked to me if I was lacking somewhere in our marriage, he could have talked to me about anything, he has always known I was a good listener and would have responded to his need, but he didn’t want to see that i was there for him, instead, one simple call out of curiosity of an old flame and her response back to him was thrilling to him. I believe the lure of excitement of the other woman was more interesting than his same old life with his wife. And weather or not it would hurt me or not wasn’t a factor, because he wasn’t thinking of me at all, he was boosting his ego and it felt good to him, an old girlfriend saying things that made him feel good. i could have said the same things to him as she was at the time and it wouldn’t have meant anything to him. Because I wasn’t new and exciting. She was, and it was secret and thrilling. I think a person who cheats can come up with all kinds of reasons after they are caught. (Except my husband of course, he can’t seem to give me one!). And in reading the pre set for affairs it kind of still insinuates the betrayed spouse is in most part responsible for it leading to an affair. (sometimes life gets in the way, he could have talked to me, I would have listened, he had a choice) Attitude today, seems to be the norm for me lately. Hope your day goes well today.

  7. brokenjoan says:

    Today is exactly 6 months since I found out about my husbands affair. We have been married for 47 years, I don’t know which emotion is worse, the shock when you first find out, the utter sadness that the man you trusted more than anyone has been lying to you for months, or the hatred that I can’t seem to let go of for him and the other woman(and I use that term loosely). I know in my heart I don’t really hate him, never could but sometimes I really want to. How could the man I have loved all these years tell another woman that he loves her, and so much more that he never said to me in 47 years together. Thanks to his computer I got to read a lot of their messages to each other, as I read them I was thinking who is this man. I could not believe all the romantic shit that came out of his mouth. Of course he now tells me it was all lies just to keep her having sex on the webcam with him. During their 15 month affair they only saw each other twice for physical sex, but it most definitely was an emotional affair. She lived thousands of miles from us and flew out to our home state to be with him. It was an ego boost for him, he said she made him feel like a teenager again. I guess what I am asking is an affair love real? He tells me he loves only me, but he was telling someone else that 6 months ago. Do any of you believe what your husbands are telling you now? And I have read so many stories where almost every wife says she will never feel the same about her husband ever again and that their marriage will never be the same, if so then why are we even trying to work anything out? I still hate facing every new day, it is like a never ending HELL,that won’t ever stop. What little sleep I get is my only relief from my nightmare. He cheated but I am the one on anti depressants,the one who has lost 30 lbs,the one who can’t sleep, the one who pleads everyday WHY, only to be told he doesn’t really know what made him do it. If anyone who is farther along can give me some answers I would greatly appreciate any help. I am so lost and don’t know what I am going to do, he is back home right now, but I never know one day to the next if I will let him stay.
    Blessings to everyone going thru this, broken joan

    • nmwf1 says:

      Hi broken, I have been married for 34 years, I found out 7/3/11 I am far from over my husbands EA, My heart is breaking just to hear what you have to say. My husbands affair was long distance to, and I am still trying to find out if she ever came here and met up with him physically. But it doesn’t matter they had phone sex numerous times and sickening picture mail, to me it feels just as painful. And to pour salt in an already wounded pride, she was a girlfriend from my husbands past. I MAY SOUND NEGATIVE but why the hell lie to you, it is still a living hell for me, no matter how good my husband is to me now, trying to make up for what he did, my heart remains broken, still bewildered, and still having a lot of trouble coping. An E A is not an easy road for the betrayed. Some are stead fast strong in the healing process, nope I am not one of them. We have good days together but that heavy feeling is always there no matter what. And read back in these posts and you will see endless triggers that sent me into serious, painful,sometimes extremely vulgar, rages and meltdowns. As recent as a couple of weeks ago, if that tells you anything, And i can’t say that it won’t happen again, I know others reading this will be kind of angry at me for saying such negative things when we are all here to heal. BUT ITS KINDER TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH AT THIS STAGE OF THE GAME. It is pure hell for me, I am lost, my emotional frame of mind is unstable, There is no destination only a treacherous journey, And Dj, I know you are going to kind of give her hope of recovery, cause that is the goal we are all trying to achieve (for some in vain of course) but lets be realistic, you and I both know what she is up against. It is not pretty. Angry, YES I AM, I have been for days, why, I don’t know, ,mind torture i guess its part of the process, . And broken, there is a fine line between love and hate. All of us here know exactly why that phrase was created. so don’t feel bad when you think you hate him at the same time that you love him, or that you hate him and her both I get that feeling a lot myself. Lets face it, we have both been in our marriages a long time, and devastation doesn’t begin to describe the shock and awe, My husband has always been the love of my life and I don’t want to give up that love, but the deep stabbing pain of betrayal is hard to battle. My first feeling of success in this fight will be when i can get through a single day with out one single thought of his E A, that day has not arrived yet. But the only positive thing I can tell you with all sincerity, thanks to Dj, a lovely soul who created the blog, we will all be here to support you in your painful moments, GOD knows you are going to need it, hugs to you, I feel every inch of your pain…..

  8. Teresa says:

    Great post DJ….it’s an eye opener for sure! I’ve known that something has been missing from my relationship with my H…and it’s # 1 …..we are close, but not intimate, he still won’t let me into his thoughts and feelings.
    And what scares me a little is that we were close before the EA happened, I think that’s why I was so stunned when he finally confessed to the affair!
    But I now realize, we were NOT intimate! A big difference, yet, I never saw it….I was so use to him pushing me away emotionally that I never even realized that my H never opened up to me….we had what I call “surface talk”.
    I’ve leaned in the last several weeks that my H is Passive Aggresive….and from what I’ve been reading its almost always a case of “once Passive Agressive, ALWAYS Passive Agressive”.
    This is itself has been a learning curve for me, because I have become his enabler, and that behavior HAS to stop!!
    So now I’m working on me, finding new ways to cope with a H who makes all kinds of promises, but never goes through with them, or if he does do as he promised, he changes the “rules” midway between, and then tries to blame me, because “I can’t do anything right” or “nothing I do makes YOU happy” or “I’m trying, YOU just don’t see it”….
    Thank goodness for counseling tonight….I had gotten so discouraged over the P.A. t we haven’t been for a few weeks….why bother was my thinking, he’s not going to change!
    But my two oldest sons both reminded me that counseling is for ME too, not just their dad!!
    I have good boys, have I mentioned that before….sooooo blessed with them!!! 😀

  9. nmwf1 says:

    I want to apologize for my negativeness in my post last night. i have been in a crying mood for days, Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in a pity party. I don’t know…. never the less that’s how I feel right now.

  10. Teresa says:

    For goodness sake nmwf1…you don’t have to apologize! That’s what we’re all here for, to release the negative!
    You’re still hurting, that’s obvious to us all here and I’ll tell you that for me, up until several weeks ago, I was still crying almost everyday also….and Jan.1st was TWO yrs since Dday!
    And get this, everytime my H left for a work call ( he works out of our home) he had to call me and talk to me, all the way there, even if it was a 2 hr trip!!! Talk about trying to control him….and also it tied up my day for HOURS and I wasn’t getting anything done! UGH!!
    I think the reason I was doing that for over TWO yrs, was that his EA was primarily in his car, while he was traveling around for work so everytime he got in his car, it was a trigger of sorts for me.

    You know what changed for me….The first thing I decided was that I didn’t care anymore, that he was going to do what he was going to do, that trying to control him wasn’t my “job”!
    Talking to him all those hours didn’t mean a thing, because guess what? All he had to do was tell me he had arrived at his customers place of business, hang up with me, and then call whomever he wanted to call! DUH!!
    In fact, he did do that during the EA, I’d call to chat with him a few minutes, and he’d be on the phone with the cow, and after I hung up, he’d call her right back! But for me, it was just a case of trying to control my H. Doesn’t make sense, but then NOTHING in affair recovery makes sense, does it?
    And I wanted to live MY life again, because the life I had been living for the last two yrs, a life of anger, resentment and hurt was a half life, and I just plain sick and tired of it!

    The second thing I finally realized, sloooowwww learner that I am…Is that my H was at fault for the affair, NOT me and not anything I did or didn’t do in our marriage gave him the “excuse” to have the affair…NOTHING!! And listening to Tammie and Guy on BAN really helped open my eyes to that!
    My H has deep issues from his childhood that he has to deal with, and your H has to look deep inside and see what it was that made him be OK with contacting the OW and then having the affair….then and ONLY then can true healing start!! How can he expect you to heal and feel safe, when he has NO answer for why he did what he did??
    That’s makes NO sense!! You have to be able to say the affair happened because my H_______ ( you fill in the blank) and then YOU can set boundaries, because boundaries make YOU feel safe!

    For my H, he has a history of parental abuse, emotional abuse, an alcoholic parent, and he’s passive aggressive, which btw, I’ve since found out that A LOT of P.A’s come out of alcoholic homes!!
    And you know how I was able to get there? Because I started listening to beyondaffairs.com free teleseminars!!
    If I can give you ANY advice, nm, PLEASE go to their website and click on the free teleseminars!! Oh man, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head!!
    And as an added “bonus”, lol if you listen to the one from Feb 11th, and at the end during the open question time…you can hear ME ask a question, lol!!!
    I’m telling you, it’s been like my own personal marriage coach, listening to those teleseminars!! It’s strengthened me and encouraged me so much!
    And ask your H to listen with you, he can also learn a lot from them…and if he isn’t answering your questions, he has to know that you ARE NOT going to heal 100%…I’m a firm believer in that!
    I thinks it’s because deep down, you KNOW that he’s holding back, and your mind just won’t let you let go…if that makes sense??
    My H has answered most of my questions, do I believe everything he’s told me, not necessarily, but he’s told me enough that I can pick through that and decide how things really were…and we are in counseling now, so I’m hoping that will help him also….I don’t believe he’s being deliberately misleading, I just believe that he doesn’t want to remember, so he doesn’t.
    I don’t know if you’re a religious person nmwf1, but I’m reading a book right now by Beth Moore called Get Out Of That Pit, and let me tell you, it’s fantastic!!! I HIGHLY recommend it! If you go to abebooks.com you can get it for $3.50!!
    Excellant, excellant book! I hope this has helped you nm, sorry it’s so long, but I don’t want you beating yourself up because of your previous post 😀

    Will be praying for you!! And you to DJ, miss you!! 😀

  11. nmwf1 says:

    Hi Teresa, Thanks, I wanted to say I seen a councilor a while back but only went twice, I didn’t feel comfortable so I never went back, anyway I found another councilor and went to her for the first time because lately I have been having a rough time with my feelings, Let me just say, she is a seasoned councilor, but unmarried and a little old school. I wanted to rip her head off, she was ridiculous, I mean lets face it some of them come up with aggravating things, I was telling her that I felt extremely humiliated that this was going on behind my back for months, all the while my husband could look me in the eye and just carry on around me as if everything was normal. She told me that I choose to feel that way and that all I have to tell myself is (i am not humiliated and I am not going to let this humiliate me.) I looked at her with a glare and said, really, REALLY! are you f ing kidding me? If it were that simple I wouldn’t be sitting here in your office crying out for help. Anyway she asked me would I feel better if I had a better understanding about my husbands affair? I told her that better understanding or not, I will never feel any better about the affair, that simply will not happen. She started to talk about childhood and I cut her off, I told her please don’t pull the childhood card, meaning ( poor me I had a rough childhood and it was part of what led to the affair.) I told her he went into the service when he was 18 and I met him when he was 24 and out of the service, his parents are still alive and are still together, and if he had any quirks in his childhood he has had 40 years to overcome them, so don’t even bring childhood into the scenario I said, I won’t buy it for a minute, his childhood had nothing to do with looking up an old girlfriend from his past and betraying me. the councilor got a little flustered with me. . I told her that no matter what I know or understand, any thought of the affair will always give me a pit in my stomach, Then I told her I wouldn’t be seeing her anymore because, it was apparent that our personalities do not click. I hope other councilors have different approaches. i know I sound a little sinicle but I look at things realistically. I just want to learn how to overcome my strong resentment and feelings. anyway venting, thanks Teresa.

  12. Teresa says:

    Nmwf1, please find another counselor! You NEED to talk this out with someone who understands and is there for YOU, and only you!! Keep trying until you find the right one!
    You won’t believe how much better you will feel once you have an advocate on your side!
    Therapist’s are like shoes, you keep trying until you find the one that fits perfectly 😀

  13. nmwf1 says:

    Hi Teresa, Everyone kind of dropped off for a bit, hopefully Dj, is doing well. Kind of worried about her, she hasn’t even commented at all to say she is ok. Anyway, just wanted to say that I found a new councilor, I see her this week, I am going to try individual counseling for a while,and see how that goes, i am the one with all the resentment and anger and jealousy issues, he is trying to make things right. i wanted to ask your opinion about being extremely jealous of the OW, I feel so angry about her, in every way, I cannot quit thinking about HOW (with the help of my husband ) has turned my marriage upside while her relationship stays in tact just fine. She is in a 18 year relationship with another man, that her family seems to think very highly of, I see it on her face book, ( she doesn’t know I infiltrated it) anyway that man knows nothing about the affair that her and my husband had, and I can’t stand that fact. ( I know it is pathetic of me ) but I really hate that fact. Many times I have wanted to tell him, time is moving on and I want him to know. Ok for lack of a better word, I feel am felling (SORRY FOR MYSELF) I seem to wallow in self pity while she goes on with her life as if nothing happened and my husband can block a lot out of his mind. And it is me who is in all the pain. WHAT THE F.. What is up with that, I hate that her life is such a bed of roses with that poor schmuck. who she made a complete fool out of too. He just doesn’t know it. Anyway tell me something that makes since. venting venting venting. Thanks…… Dj, hope you are doing well.

    • Liberty says:

      Hi nmwf1….was reading your post about being so jealous of the OW and I
      wanted to say it is so perfectly normal! Some times I thought it would eat
      away at me! It was all comsuming and I thought of revenge for awhile but in
      the end….I realized that me being so caught up in her and being “friends”
      with her “friends” on FB and checking out her page did NOTHING for
      me! It hurt me in the long run…I also would study the phone records I had
      printed out and check and recheck what I was doing at those time when he
      would talk to the whore (our name for her)….( I know…not nice!!)

      I think we finally found the right counselor. And I did go on Lexapro for 4
      months! Off now, doing better but I know all to well, how this eats away at
      your soul!

      I also think that talking with people who are here and been here helps!
      Feel free to email me or if you need to talk! (Itrainyou59@yahoo.com)

      Yesterday I had a few triggers…being Easter and knowing last year he
      talked to her. Drove me crazy for a few hours but I pulled it together and
      enjoyed it with my grandbabies. It’s just so damn unfair that my times of joy
      are marred by my H’s crap he put me thru!

      Take care. I am thinking about you!!!

      xoxo Liberty

      P.S. DJ…saw your post. Take good care of yourself. I miss you!

  14. Teresa says:

    Hey nmwf1, first of all, DJ posted today, so I hope you saw that! It was on her last post…she’ll be back next week! Like you, I’ve missed her!!
    Second, I think it’s perfectly natural that you want to let the OP’s (other pig!!!) boyfriend know about the EA….BUT…all you’ll do is let the OP KNOW that she got under your skin, and I really think that will give her immense satisfaction, to know that she came into your life and disrupted it so much that 1 1/2 yrs later, you’re still so upset! She isn’t thinking about you OR your H…she sucked the blood out of that relationship and has moved on…
    I get where you’re at, I truly do! I understand the jealousy…it about ate me alive for the first year or so!!
    The COW my H had the EA with is fat, about 50-60 pds heavier than me, has short, kinky bleached blonde hair….it seriously looks like she put her finger in an electrical socket!!!
    I could NOT believe my H would have an EA with such a butt ugly woman…but you know, it’s not about the looks, it’s about the words…the poisonous words that dripped from her forked tongue!!
    Let me tell you about revenge…. My boys found out about the EA about four months after Dday…I had just found out that day that my H had been lying to me about the amount of contact they had had during the EA…..and I was LIVID!!! Ready to pack my bags and my boys and leave his lying, cheating butt!!!
    So in the process of screaming at him and packing, my boys found out what had made mom so upset in the previous four months (I had originally told them that I was sad and upset because someone in their dad’s family had been mean to me, and daddy didn’t stand up and defend me!) HA!! The lies I TOLD to protect his worthless hide!!
    So anyway, my poor boys had the shock of their lives, my then 15 yo just slid down the wall, hands over his face, sobbing like a baby, saying “No, no, no…please mom, no, don’t leave, please, don’t get a divorce”…..My older son quietly went to his room, packed a bag, took it to the car, went to his brothers rooms and grabbed a bag, packed it, and put it in the car….all without saying a word!!
    My youngest son went to my bedroom, and started praying….outloud, asking God for help!!

    And the Cow aka the OW….as far as I know, her two daughters, now 19 and 16, still don’t know a thing!!! They think that their momma is the greatest momma in the world, ( I had also infiltrated their FB pages at one time!!!) LOL….what we do when we are hurting women is sometimes too funny!! 😉

    Anyway, I knew all it would take is just one little message to ALL of the cows family….daughters, mother, brother and sister in laws, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc….and I could have blown her world apart…ESPECIALLY since I found out later that her H had discovered the EA a few weeks before I did, and of course he demanded she stop all contact with my H….and she did, for THREE days, then the sneaky skank found a way to contact him through her home computer, so it wouldn’t show up on her CP….I knew all that plus more, the things she had told my H about her H…oh yes, I could’ve done A LOT of damage,but I chose not to.
    I didn’t want to be like her, selfish, thinking of herself, not caring who she hurt….I’m a better person then she will EVER be!
    I decided to take the high road, I protected HER children from immense pain, from the fear of divorce, from the disappointment of knowing their mother is a lying, cheating skank, I did that for kids I didnt even know and SHE didn’t even care about them!! What a freaking loser!!

    Go to counseling, nmwf1….do it for yourself….Be the better woman, the woman with integrity, look in the mirror each day KNOWING that YOU have done nothing wrong, that YOU don’t have to live with the guilty label of being a cheater….that YOU are a much better person!

    And I do believe the saying, “Be sure your sin will find you out” It might not happen the way you think it will, the OW might just never be truly happy in life, I mean seriously, how happy can she be with the BF of 18 yrs, if she cheated on him??
    So focus on YOU…don’t let her steal anymore of your happiness…you’re a better person then she will ever hope to be!
    You deserve happiness, so go to counseling, concentrate on you and determine to be happy!
    And STOP being jealous of the OW, and get off of her FB, it feels good to know that you’ve infiltrated HER life, especially after she had unfettered access to your life without you knowing about it…..but trust me, when you delete her from your FB….it’s VERY freeing!!
    I was “friends” with the cows daughter for abut four months….coincidentally, the same length of the EA…go figure! LOL! And that gave me access to the cows FB…and yes, it felt like I had the upper hand for awhile, but also, it made me feel like I was a liar and a cheat…and I didn’t like it! So as hard as it was, I deleted the account…now, I will say that sometimes I do wish I still had access…YES, but I tell myself that I’m moving on, that I’m a better person than HER so I don’t need to be messing in her messy, stinky backyard!!!
    My marriage has really improved the last 6 weeks, since we started counseling and also since my H found out he’s Passive Aggressive….he’s sees and admits that he’s PA, and is really making strides in dealing with the many, MANY issues associated with PA behavior!!
    Embrace the changes your H has made, and if you don’t feel he’s been open enough with you, then you need to let him know exactly what you need!
    Again, I’ll tell you…Listening to the teleseminars on the beyondaffairs.com website has REALLY helped me a lot! It gave me boldness to demand from my H exactly what I needed!!
    And I set boundaries, I gave him four months, again, the length of the EA, to get himself in gear and start making the changes I needed to see, or he had to move out!!
    I even wrote in on the calendar, in big letters, “What changes have been made and can I see them??”
    When I told our counselor about that, he smiled and shook his head, agreeing with me!! LOL!
    Like they say on Beyond Affairs….Look at the actions, NOT the words!!

    Ok, sorry this has gotten so lonnnggg….I write like I talk…A LOT!!

    Hope this helps you, nmwf1….and I hope counseling gives you what you need! Write back and let us know how it goes!! It’s a nice feeling knowing that someone is in YOUR corner, concerned for you!! That’s how you should feel about your counselor…and if you don’t, find another one!! It’s not a one size fits all, sometimes you have to keep searching, until you find the right one!

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