Not Over It’s 2nd Anniversary

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Today, February 16, 2013 marks 2 years since I started this blog.  How things have changed and yet stayed the same…

I started writing and then stopped writing.  I went private for a while, and then I became public again.  Sometimes I have written volumes – writing being the only way I could express the storm raging inside of me.  Sometimes I have been quiet – no words would come out of my hurting soul.  I have taken breaks and vacations.  But through this tornado in my life, I have become a part of a community of people that has made a real impact on my life. I am grateful that we are here together.  I thank you, each and every one of you, from the bottom of my heart.

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32 thoughts on “Not Over It’s 2nd Anniversary

  1. Still Loving Him says:

    Thank you for writing!

  2. Teresa says:

    DJ, you have been an inspiration to me and I feel that in you, I have a “comrade in arms” as we both walk down this difficult path that has been forced upon us!
    So thankful for how you put yourself out there, opening up and letting us all see your hope…and at times, your pain, so that we know that we are not alone!
    You are an amazing woman, and don’t let ANYONE tell you anything different! ((HUGS)) to you, my sweet friend!!

    • Not Over It says:

      You are so kind, Teresa. Thank you. I also feel a connection to you as we go through this journey. It’s so nice to have someone to walk with.

      As I have told Liberty and others, you are a gem and we are blessed to have you here with us.

      Love & prayers to you,
      DJ

  3. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    DJ, you don’t hear from me often, but I’ve consistently recommended your blog, ESPECIALLY to new or recent “DDayers.”

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you so much. I know you are going through a lot right now, and I appreciate your support in the midst of your pain. You are in the worst part of the journey right now. Take care, my friend.

      Praying for grace and peace in your heart,
      DJ

  4. Foolish Woman says:

    The online friendships and support are the silver lining of the black cloud.
    (hug)

  5. cathmae says:

    DJ, please know that because of you, many, many people are navigating their lives with more strength. The ripple effect on partners, children and others, changes the so many little corners of the world. What a powerhouse you are! XO

    • Not Over It says:

      Oh, Cathmae, I am both humbled and honored by your words. I am just one woman with a voice and a heart to reach out to others who feel the same pain I have felt. No one should have to go through that alone. I have been through some major traumas in my life, and nothing compares to the pain of being betrayed in this most intimate way by the one person who was supposed to be of one heart and mind with me. If I have made a difference in anyone’s journey, I am so blessed.

      Praying for you as you stand at the door…
      DJ

  6. kayboo24 says:

    We have a date in common…the 16th of Feb. marks the date of the very last time that JR would ever speak to Nikki. Don’t know how to feel about any of this anymore. Wish I could wake up and it would all just be a really bad dream, well nightmare actually. Unfortunately it is my reality and it really sucks. Your posts have helped me more than you know. They have opened my eyes and show me different sides to my pain. They help me to not feel so alone. Thank you!

    • Not Over It says:

      Kayboo – you and I are so much alike. I wish you didn’t have to feel this pain — I understand all too well how it crushes your spirit. If only it were just a nightmare…

      We are both part of this community and we all help one another. I’m not happy this happened to you, but I’m glad we are able to support one another. I thank you, too.

      Praying for the ride to smoothe out a little for you…
      DJ

  7. Paula says:

    Thank you DJ, and everyone who blogs/cares/understands. My “real world” doesn’t, and until I found these online friends I was in serious trouble of losing the fight for life. As my dear, departed mother always used to say – “better out than in!” xxx

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, Paula. You are often the voice of reason when one of us is going off the deep end, and I have often clung to your words in the middle of the night. We will make it together…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  8. Liberty says:

    DJ…I am so grateful that I found you and your blog. I can say honestly I am in a better place today because of you and all the fellow bloggers who are always there when I am at my lowest!

    Even though we all might be in different stages of our recovery just getting the support here and thru other people’s blogs helps so many of us.

    Thank you!!

    Liberty xoxo

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey Liberty – I am glad you found us, too. You have brought back a sense of hope here that was missing for a while. Your recent posts and comments have left me with a little slice of joy as I read about the real-life healing going on in your marriage. I thank you, too.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  9. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    DJ, I’m a recovered BS (DDay was in 1981). I’m just trying to be helpful & supportive. 🙂

  10. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    *I meant FINAL DDay. (My story’s @ 2/8/13 HysBon, @ bottom of comments page http://www.whyhaveanaffair.wordpress.com)

  11. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    You may have confused me w/ betrayedin2012 (12/25/12 DDay; deep pain). Read “Something about my triggers” (2/19/13)

  12. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    (My phone only does “snippets”) You’ll find “BI2012” @ betrayedin2012.wordpress.com
    Bless You, DJ!
    😀

  13. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    Btw, whyhaveanaffair is written by a repentant WH w/daily comments by his BW. It’s empowering like your blog is, DJ! 😀

  14. tryinghard says:

    I must say these blogs have helped me more than the hundreds of $ spent with my therapist. I commend your effort and bravery for putting it out there. It’s not easy. When this happens you look at everyone and wonder if they are “one of us”. You blog is great.

  15. nmwf1 says:

    Hi Dj, Thanks for being there and having a place to talk and or vent.

    Thank you!!!

  16. nmwf1 says:

    Hi Dj, i was thinking about this last night and I have come to the conclusion that getting over (it) will never really happen. Right now my only hope is that my mind can get though a single day without any thought what so ever of what happened. But that day has not come for me yet. I am so tired of this heavy feeling that hangs with me everyday. I have always thought of myself as a rather strong person, My sign is Taurus, I fit it to a T, I am somewhat bull headed I am independent, strong willed ,not a wall flower by any stretch, I am also very down to earth, can be witty at times, I have a lot of humor , maybe a little lazy at times, but true to my nature. I am one whom others seem to always gravitate towards when they have problems, I am a good listener, and I usually can give reasonable advice. (Or sometimes strong opinions) But one of the biggest attributes of my sign is that I love very deep, and I am a very faithful person in every since of the word, and I expected that same faithfulness from my partner in life. . So for the life of me, Infidelity in my own marriage has stopped my world dead in its tracks. Ironically enough I was in a book store the other day and I was reading about birthdays and one of the traits of a Taurus is the inability to forgive betrayal, especially in love. Go figure.

    • Leise-Falyon says:

      I am a Taurus as well, I am everything you said and more. I am sooo stubborn and bull headed, extremely faithful and I love without restraint. In the past if I was cheated on by a boyfriend, I would dump him so fast his head would spin. I have never been friends with past boyfriends and could care less if they were alive or dead. No, forgiveness was really not my way! Lol.

      My D-day was 4 years and 2 months ago and somewhere around two years ago, I stood in the middle of all my anger and hatred and stared myself in the face. I was so angry that everything triggered me. Everything! I realized that I had been living in reaction, for the past two years, to what others had done to me. My life had stopped being my own. If my thoughts are creating my reality every moment of everyday, then if I choose to hang on to those angry thoughts and hatred, then I am the only one responsible for my future unhappiness. No one else! I chose to let it go! It was not easy and I spent hours and hours working on it, but it is possible. After two years of working toward purging the anger out of me, instead of spending two years festering in it, I can tell you it is possible. Very Possible!

      I was watching my husband the other day and I noticed that I was feeling love towards him and only love. Not hatred or loathing. Or how can I hurt him and much as he hurt me? Or how can I push him off a cliff? Lol. Or why doesn’t the B#$@% understand how much he hurt me? Or how could he have done this to me? Or how can I ever let him touch me again? Or how can I ever trust him again? All those thoughts were so long gone from my mind, instead I just felt love. And a lot of love, more than I had had for him before D-day. I was flabbergasted. He turned and smiled at me and I realized how glad I was that I had stuck around.

      The first thing I remember doing (those long two years ago) was to listen to Earl Nightingale’s “The Strangest Secret” every morning when I woke up. You can download it on iTunes for $10. It is about 37 minutes long. I literally wake up to it and listen to it while I am half asleep and waking up every morning. And still to this day, I listen to it. It helped me to take back control over my life and my thoughts, so I stopped being in reactionary mode to what others had done to me. I deserved to live MY powerful life. A life I choose for myself.

      Yes, NMWF1 you can get over it and you can heal. Everyone can! It is a choice. We choose our thoughts, we choose to be reacting to other people or to heal, everyday of our lives.

      I share this with love,
      Leise-Falyon

  17. nmwf1 says:

    Hi L,F, I think in time we can get better, I have to disagree about choosing our thoughts, because I fight my mind all of the time about thoughts of my husbands EA. Its not a choice for me, as a matter of fact it tortures me, I have tried many ways to block it out of my mind but it always comes back with a vengeance. I have had counseling to learn techniques to cope, but I believe it is my broken heart that tells my mind how to think. I wish I could choose my thoughts. maybe in time, so far I am not winning that battle. I am working on it.
    Keep up your positive attitude maybe it will rub off on me. Thank you !

    • tryinghard says:

      I agree. I try really hard to believe I can control my thoughts but alas….not so. Two years since dday 1 Dday2 August 1. Still struggling Getting a bit better

      • Not Over It says:

        NM and TH – don’t fret about timelines. Even Leise says it was two years before she even started to get better. It’s not like you are purposely trying to remain a mess. You will get there. You will gain control over it a little at a time.

        Tryinghard: two Ddays makes it even harder and the recovery longer. I think you are doing great. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Just keep learning and looking inward and outward, too, along with the rest of us, and things will get better. Usually you won’t even notice that they are better for a while, and then one day you realize you haven’t thought about something for a while. It’s such a sense of relief!

        Take care.

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

    • Aloha NMWF1,
      I believe the easiest way to look at is, as choosing a new course. For me my new course was to process the anger as quickly as humanly possible. Period. When I started ‘looping,’ which is what I called it when my mind would keep going over and over the same scene, I would say Louise Hay’s affirmation, “All is well, everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am Safe.” I would say it over and over for hours if necessary until my mind would white-wash out everything else. That was where I made the choice… every time the anger and thoughts resurfaced, I chose to say the affirmation instead of festering in the anger. The first step was taking responsibility for still hanging on to my anger. Full responsibility! This is huge. The second step was saying the affirmation every time my mind started looping and festering in the anger. The third step? Well the third step was processing the anger.

      Everyone is on their own journey. Everyone will reach their own moment where they will say, “Okay, I am done feeling this bad!” For me it was a little over two years past d-day. I had a flashback yesterday, that two years ago would have sent me into a huge emotional loop, and instead I just watched it in my mind like a movie. There were no emotions connected to it. I was not triggered at all! I was amazed. I had processed all the anger out of me from that old memory. Thank God! I felt such relief and peace. The first two years I spent festering in the anger, but the next two years I spent processing the anger. What a difference…

      Leise-Falyon

  18. nmwf1 says:

    I guess a lot of moving past the thoughts has a lot to do with forgiveness, I think i have a hard time with that because my heart is stuck in the can’t understand how he could do it. mode. I harbor a lot of resentment for what happened, one reason is because I still feel extremely humiliated. Sometimes my mind will take me back to things I remember saying or doing with my husband when his EA was going on, and thinking those things I said or the moments we shared were as special for him as they were for me, not knowing that my efforts were all in vain because his mind was on someone else, not me. How humiliating is that? I still feel like such a fool. I sometimes can’t get away from those thoughts and I sometimes get physically nauseous. Don’t get me wrong. We still have a very strong and very loving relationship, He is the love of my life and he shows me every day that i am the love of his life. . But i am far from over him having an EA with another woman. What it is going to take to get past it, I do not know. A lot of prayers I guess.

  19. Leise-Falyon says:

    Dear NM,
    I understand your humiliation… The pain of humiliation was the hardest part for me as well. I found out about the affair 6 months after it happened. During those 6 months my ex-best friend (lol) was telling everyone she knew (who also knew me), that my husband had been chasing her and had begged her to run away with him. She said that he was miserably unhappy with me and wanted to be with her.

    My husband claimed that this wasn’t true, but I didn’t believe anything out of his mouth at that time. I made him take a lie detector test to prove it to me. Her husband still believes that she was innocent and that she was only rebuffing my husband’s advances. Everyone lives in their own reality. That was one of the lessons I learned from this experience.

    One of the big turning points for me, dealing with the humiliation, was when my husband and I were laughing in the ocean after we had just got done with snorkeling. I was sooooo happy! My joy with spilling over. I had this flashing thought of all those gossiping fools in Flagstaff who believed in the things that my ex-friend had been spreading about her and my husband. My next thought was, “Who gives a S**T what they think! Does what they think have anything to do with my reality?” At that moment I was cured of caring what other people think. You can’t control it and it really doesn’t have anything to do with your happiness. It really doesn’t. The truly emotionally happy and stable celebrities are the ones who don’t read the tabloids.

    I honestly think that was my first epiphany I had of what my lessons were suppose to be from this experience. I learned not to care about what other people think about me. Some famous person (I wish I could remember who) said, “What other people think about you, is none of your business!” If you can truly make this statement apart of your heart, it will set you free girlfriend. Set you FREE!

    with love, Leise-Falyon

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