Paula and Flacamama posted comments on my Valentine’s Day post, and I was going to answer them there, but it’s so long I decided to turn it into a post. Cheers to you, Paula and Flacamama!
Daniel and I were never big on Valentine’s Day, like Paula and her partner, and I have always celebrated the day in a more general love type of way than the romantic way. Maybe it’s because I am a school teacher. We make valentines in class every year for moms and dads and grandparents. Kids bring candy for the whole class. Teachers do something special for each other as well as for their students. It is just natural for me to think of Vday in non-romantic terms.
Some of the things Daniel and I do now for Valentine’s Day started after Dday, and I believe it was his way of expressing his remorse and guilt. He never bought me flowers before on this day – we both said flowers were ridiculously expensive around Valentine’s Day. Now I get a beautiful bouquet. He never gave me candy before – too much sugar. Now I get a pound of expensive chocolates. I don’t reject them. He needs to express his remorse and this is how he does it. That’s ok for me. I know he is sorry that he hurt me.
Like Paula, we used to exchange little somethings that showed our appreciation for each other. That was pre-affair. One year I made him house slippers – he wore them until they fell apart. One year he built a sewing center for me, personalized for the way a left-hander sews. I remember those gifts more than the expensive things bought in stores.
During his affair, we did not do anything for each other. We sent ecards to each other and that was it. I won’t dwell on those years right now.
Yesterday, I got the flowers and the chocolates with a Spa Day for Two gift card inside a card that brought tears to my eyes. He managed to find one that didn’t talk about forever love or true love. It said that there was no doubt that I was the right woman for him and that we belong together. Two years ago that would still have been a major trigger, but this year I was ready to hear that. Damn right I am the right woman for him.
That was interesting because I wrote him a poem that said we belonged together like peanut butter and jelly. Like Flacamama, I cannot find cards these days that say what I want to say, or can say, to my husband. Flacamama’s husband found remorseful husband cards -lol – but there does not seem to be any for betrayed spouses. So I write my own. I like writing and creating, and he loves to read my stuff.
Maybe I should start my own line of cards for Hallmark called Defying the Odds.
We went to a martial arts class last night so we didn’t have time for the hot tub, but we enjoyed our class very much, and “hot” is a good word for what we did after that! I get tingly just thinking about it…
Vday can be a touchy subject for us betrayed spouses. Each of us is at our own place in healing, or not healing, and we each have different triggers. Daniel and I have found the ways that work for us. No mush and gush, but taking the time to honestly express how much we still love each other.
Like Paula, I don’t personally know anyone who has survived infidelity well. My own brother was on antidepressants for years after his wife’s affair. That’s not going to be me. Changing perspectives – slowly but surely. Whether that means together or apart – I don’t know yet. I want it to be together, but we both have to change perspectives to make that work. We shall see…