Valentine’s Day is not just for romantic love. This idea today is largely media and marketing hype. I send greetings and little gifts to many friends and family, and to all my students, too… that’s the whole school. I am sending the one above to you. Happy Valentine’s Day! I love doing these things again. Saint Valentine was all about sharing love and goodwill, and celebrating this day in the way he would have wanted is my goal today.
This is my third Valentine’s Day since discovering my husband’s affair. The first one was very painful and gut wrenching. Daniel tried his best to be loving and he went way overboard in trying to show me love, but I didn’t do anything for him. I just couldn’t. It just hurt too much. I was still living in a cloud of pain and could not think outside of it. I started this blog two days later in an effort to work through some of that pain.
Our second Valentine’s Day was much easier. We had a nice time together. Daniel still went way overboard in trying to tell me he loved me, but I was no longer living in that cloud of pain, and I was able to create a loving card for him and we enjoyed a quiet, romantic evening with a lovely hot tub and mutual massages and lots of stuff after that… I wrote him a poem that I published here that day. No big proclamations of forever love or deep desire, but I expressed how deeply I loved him and how his love still meant so much to me. It was still painful to see expressions of romantic love everywhere and to hear love songs coming from our neighbor’s garage and everywhere else it seemed, but I was ok.
And here we are today. Valentine’s Day is probably not ever going to be like it was before in our marriage, but we are enjoying the day. I told Daniel not to spend a whole bunch of money this year. Our former way of celebrating was to do or make special things for each other without spending an arm and a leg, and to spend time doing something we both enjoy. We also studied massage together a number of years ago, so massages with the long baths and all the rest were always a part of most of our celebrations. We are going back to that. I am comfortable and happy about this day.
I still cannot handle all the sugary sweet romantic songs and cards, and the proclamations of loving always and forever. It doesn’t mean anything to me anymore and it triggers thoughts and feelings about his affair. But we do love each other and it’s nice to celebrate the fact that we are still together more than two years after Dday. That’s already beating the odds.
This is another example of something I have been writing about for a while now — changing perspectives, removing or changing our filters. Like Mad Cow says, things look different on the other side. I am not there yet, but I’m heading in that direction.
If you are new to infidelity, this may all seem like it’s minimizing your pain. I do not mean it that way at all. Those who have been reading my blog for a while know how much pain I had and how hard it was to even begin to move past it. I just want to say that there is hope. If you had seen me a month after Dday, you would never have thought I would be able to say these things today.
I hope you find things to smile about today.
Love to you all,