Valentine’s Day is not just for romantic love

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine’s Day is not just for romantic love. This idea today is largely media and marketing hype. I send greetings and little gifts to many friends and family, and to all my students, too… that’s the whole school. I am sending the one above to you. Happy Valentine’s Day! I love doing these things again. Saint Valentine was all about sharing love and goodwill, and celebrating this day in the way he would have wanted is my goal today.

This is my third Valentine’s Day since discovering my husband’s affair. The first one was very painful and gut wrenching. Daniel tried his best to be loving and he went way overboard in trying to show me love, but I didn’t do anything for him. I just couldn’t. It just hurt too much. I was still living in a cloud of pain and could not think outside of it. I started this blog two days later in an effort to work through some of that pain.

Our second Valentine’s Day was much easier. We had a nice time together. Daniel still went way overboard in trying to tell me he loved me, but I was no longer living in that cloud of pain, and I was able to create a loving card for him and we enjoyed a quiet, romantic evening with a lovely hot tub and mutual massages and lots of stuff after that… I wrote him a poem that I published here that day. No big proclamations of forever love or deep desire, but I expressed how deeply I loved him and how his love still meant so much to me. It was still painful to see expressions of romantic love everywhere and to hear love songs coming from our neighbor’s garage and everywhere else it seemed, but I was ok.

And here we are today. Valentine’s Day is probably not ever going to be like it was before in our marriage, but we are enjoying the day. I told Daniel not to spend a whole bunch of money this year. Our former way of celebrating was to do or make special things for each other without spending an arm and a leg, and to spend time doing something we both enjoy. We also studied massage together a number of years ago, so massages with the long baths and all the rest were always a part of most of our celebrations. We are going back to that. I am comfortable and happy about this day.

I still cannot handle all the sugary sweet romantic songs and cards, and the proclamations of loving always and forever. It doesn’t mean anything to me anymore and it triggers thoughts and feelings about his affair. But we do love each other and it’s nice to celebrate the fact that we are still together more than two years after Dday.  That’s already beating the odds.

This is another example of something I have been writing about for a while now — changing perspectives, removing or changing our filters. Like Mad Cow says, things look different on the other side.  I am not there yet, but I’m heading in that direction.

If you are new to infidelity, this may all seem like it’s minimizing your pain.  I do not mean it that way at all.  Those who have been reading my blog for a while know how much pain I had and how hard it was to even begin to move past it.  I just want to say that there is hope.  If you had seen me a month after Dday, you would never have thought I would be able to say these things today.

I hope you find things to smile about today.

Love to you all,



11 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day is not just for romantic love

  1. Paula says:

    Well said, DJ. V Day was yesterday here. We were never big on it – always something small, handmade, or just some quality time together. My partner is a specialist in finding song lyrics to express his feelings – as he said to me yesterday, as hasn’t the words to write them as well, so he borrows from others to say exactly what he is feeling. I got handwritten, in a handmade card, the words to Pearl Jam’s Just Breathe this year. I had previously, but a little late in the piece, asked him if we could skip it altogether, the forever yours stuff means so little to me now! He was respectful of my wishes, however, he had already prepared this, and so I asked him to tell me what it was, so he read it out – under duress, he is not one for hearts, nor flowers. It did help – we had a rare connection, and some very tender moments, his ache for the loss is palpable every day. I did nothing, I searched all day for something similar, to say the words that I want to say – but there are no lyrics that say, “you cheating sod, you broke my heart, but I still love you, and I am not a sappy pushover, just trying to show you what real love is, by staying even through this agony.” Most cheating songs are, “get out, you creep, I hate you!!” Or else, “I am such a sap, I am gonna stay with you anyway” 😉 Quite interesting. I know few people (one couple that I know of – of course there may be many others where I don’t know about the infidelity, because they were able to keep it a secret) where they stayed together, and are successfully still in love, and recovered.

  2. flacamama says:

    getting through Vday without giving into negative feelings and saying negative words was my goal & my gift to my CS this year. i did give my CS a gift – something casual from me and the kiddos but as for a card, i couldn’t find anything that captured what this feels like. and frankly i really didnt care. i have already shared too much of myself… he knows how i feel. and i think that words like i love you forever, your the best, etc… ugh, well they seem like lies.

    but i was surprised by the card i received from him. it stated only that he was “lucky” and the he hadn’t always been the best husband. huh, i had no idea they had a cheaters line of cards at hallmark?! lol. it was touching. he’s not good at articulating his feelings at all so for me it was nice.

    or perhaps its because my kids have the flu and i am exhausted… and weak! whatever it was in the end i survived my 2nd vday post Dday. I call that something to celebrate! let’s love ourselves by holding our heads up and moving on!

  3. kayboo24 says:

    Happy Late Valentine’s Day DJ. This was also our 3rd one since DDay. We have a tradition of celebrating with our son and I always make a special dessert which he just loves. Things went as usual and then I followed through “sorta” with my plans for JR. Hit a few snags (blog coming soon) but we managed to actually enjoy the night. Hugs to you and yours!

    • Not Over It says:

      I’m glad, Kayboo, that we have both reached a place where we can enjoy days like Valentine’s Day, which are littered with landmines every which way we turn. We’ve come a long way.

      Love & prayers to you and your family,

  4. Liberty says:

    Hi DJ. Yesterday was Valentines day and our wedding anniversary. My H stayed over. I made a nice dinner and it was nice. Luckily for me he didn’t have his EA during our anniversary. He did bring me flowers and a lovely heart necklace and made me feel special.

    I did enjoy the evening with him so I was glad about that.

    Take care! XOXO. Liberty

    • Not Over It says:

      Liberty! Not seeing you online very much — I hope that is a good sign that you are moving forward. I know you have a lot of support from Teresa, too, and she is a gem.

      It’s good to hear that your husband understood how to make you feel special. I hope that you are also showing him that you would not still be trying if you didn’t love him. Knowing you through your words, I think you are.

      You are doing so well, and so soon. That brings tears to my eyes.

      Love & prayers,

  5. […] Valentine’s Day is not just for romantic love ( […]

  6. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    When I was young we gave Valentines to everybody. I can’t recall when we stopped doing that. Glad your Day went well!

    • Not Over It says:

      So true – I remember doing that as a child, too. I never stopped, though, because my mom was always big on sending me tear-jerker cards and I always tried to pay it forward.

      I’m glad to see that we have another feisty one among us with you here. You are moving forward and I’m glad.

      Love & prayers,

  7. Leise-Falyon says:

    DJ, It sounds to me like you are ready for a name change “GettingOverIt.” You go Girl!

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