Teresa and I are both more than two years out from the discovery of our husbands’ affairs. We are both starting into new counseling. I am about to start and Teresa has gone through two sessions. We are supporting each other through it – infidelity counseling can be grueling and painful. I cried after every session in our last round of counseling. Teresa and I shared with each other in the comment section of my last post, but since many of you only see my new posts, I thought you might like to see our exchange. It would be great to hear of your experiences with counseling, too.
February 5, 2013 at 7:08 pm (Edit)
Well, two counseling sessions down, DJ….and we have many more to go! UGH!! I did find after the first session last week that I’ve felt more at peace with myself….Richard, our therapist even commented on seeing a change in me….so that was nice!
Now, if I could see a big change in my H, that would be great! ~sigh~….
I asked him today why he hasn’t read any of the emails I’ve sent (only 3 in the last month!!) to the email account I set up just for that purpose….he said he “forgets” to go on there and read them!!
It hurts me that I’m not important enough for him to remember something so small…he remembers to check his work email…he remembers to read ESPN online….but he can’t remember to check, just once a week, the email account that is for us….OK….please tell me once again how important I am to you??
Feeling rather down tonight….he hasn’t been back on this blog either, not since he posted on here….
I listened to a webinar tonight by Anne Bercht….and her husband Brian said ” If words don’t match the behavior, go with the behavior”….and “If he’s not doing the work on himself he won’t change, change comes from the inside, not things he does on the outside”.
I just feel sad….I know tomorrow will look better, but sometimes I do question….why am I still trying??
Not Over It says:
February 5, 2013 at 11:58 pm (Edit)
Oh, my sweet friend Teresa – how I understand and how I feel for you. I wish I had seen this sooner. It’s sometimes difficult being across the country from you.
I like Ann and Brian Bercht. I subscribe to their newsletter and have read Ann’s book. So Brian actually said it like that? Wow. That says a lot, doesn’t it? Our husbands are not doing the work to learn and change. On the other hand, they bend over backwards to do acts of service. I think that means they are trying to stay in their comfort zone and do things on their terms instead of doing the hard work of looking into themselves to make things better. That’s uncomfortable and painful and way outside anyone’s comfort zone. They are hoping beyond hope that they won’t have to go the painful route.
To some degree, I understand this. It’s human nature to look for the least painful way out of a situation. But they need to see beyond that to the consequences of going the easy route in this situation. They are hurting us with this course of action. They are trying to close their eyes to it and deny it. To me, that seems typical of the type of person who cheats. Deny the truth and do what feels good in the moment… they need to see this.
In my husband’s case, he thinks of himself as religious man, a knight in shining armor who comes in to save the day for anyone in need. But he broke three of the Ten Commandments with his affair and he shattered my heart, turning me into a wounded soul who lives with pain and frequent bouts of sorrow. He caused this and he finds it hard to face. It’s not who he ever wanted to be and he wants to bury it and start again. He just cannot see that studying it and working through it is the better way.
Has any of this come up in your counseling yet? It’s the primary thing I want to bring up when we see our counselor. I hope to get into it real quick. Was it not possible in your case?
Coach James said that counseling seems to take a while to get going, and then it often all comes together quickly and things move quickly after that. Maybe that will be the case for you.
Thank you for keeping me posted. I have been praying extra prayers all through my day for you. I hope you are feeling better today.
Love & more prayers,