Starting into another round of counseling

counseling

Teresa and I are both more than two years out from the discovery of our husbands’ affairs. We are both starting into new counseling. I am about to start and Teresa has gone through two sessions. We are supporting each other through it – infidelity counseling can be grueling and painful. I cried after every session in our last round of counseling. Teresa and I shared with each other in the comment section of my last post, but since many of you only see my new posts, I thought you might like to see our exchange. It would be great to hear of your experiences with counseling, too.

Teresa says:

February 5, 2013 at 7:08 pm (Edit)

Well, two counseling sessions down, DJ….and we have many more to go! UGH!! I did find after the first session last week that I’ve felt more at peace with myself….Richard, our therapist even commented on seeing a change in me….so that was nice!
Now, if I could see a big change in my H, that would be great! ~sigh~….
I asked him today why he hasn’t read any of the emails I’ve sent (only 3 in the last month!!) to the email account I set up just for that purpose….he said he “forgets” to go on there and read them!!
It hurts me that I’m not important enough for him to remember something so small…he remembers to check his work email…he remembers to read ESPN online….but he can’t remember to check, just once a week, the email account that is for us….OK….please tell me once again how important I am to you??
Feeling rather down tonight….he hasn’t been back on this blog either, not since he posted on here….
I listened to a webinar tonight by Anne Bercht….and her husband Brian said ” If words don’t match the behavior, go with the behavior”….and “If he’s not doing the work on himself he won’t change, change comes from the inside, not things he does on the outside”.
I just feel sad….I know tomorrow will look better, but sometimes I do question….why am I still trying??

Reply

Not Over It says:

February 5, 2013 at 11:58 pm (Edit)

Oh, my sweet friend Teresa – how I understand and how I feel for you. I wish I had seen this sooner. It’s sometimes difficult being across the country from you.

I like Ann and Brian Bercht. I subscribe to their newsletter and have read Ann’s book. So Brian actually said it like that? Wow. That says a lot, doesn’t it? Our husbands are not doing the work to learn and change. On the other hand, they bend over backwards to do acts of service. I think that means they are trying to stay in their comfort zone and do things on their terms instead of doing the hard work of looking into themselves to make things better. That’s uncomfortable and painful and way outside anyone’s comfort zone. They are hoping beyond hope that they won’t have to go the painful route.

To some degree, I understand this. It’s human nature to look for the least painful way out of a situation. But they need to see beyond that to the consequences of going the easy route in this situation. They are hurting us with this course of action. They are trying to close their eyes to it and deny it. To me, that seems typical of the type of person who cheats. Deny the truth and do what feels good in the moment… they need to see this.

In my husband’s case, he thinks of himself as religious man, a knight in shining armor who comes in to save the day for anyone in need. But he broke three of the Ten Commandments with his affair and he shattered my heart, turning me into a wounded soul who lives with pain and frequent bouts of sorrow. He caused this and he finds it hard to face. It’s not who he ever wanted to be and he wants to bury it and start again. He just cannot see that studying it and working through it is the better way.

Has any of this come up in your counseling yet? It’s the primary thing I want to bring up when we see our counselor. I hope to get into it real quick. Was it not possible in your case?

Coach James said that counseling seems to take a while to get going, and then it often all comes together quickly and things move quickly after that. Maybe that will be the case for you.

Thank you for keeping me posted. I have been praying extra prayers all through my day for you. I hope you are feeling better today.

Love & more prayers,
DJ

Advertisements

39 thoughts on “Starting into another round of counseling

  1. We went to counselling immediately after our first (and second) D Days. We went for about 6 months together – at first once a week and then once a fortnight. I had three sessions of counselling on my own as well. This was all during our false recovery period as my husband was back with his AP for the whole time. When the final D Day happened, we went back to counselling – and saw the same counsellor. We are still going now (a year on) and we go about every three to four weeks.

    I think initially I was not ready for some of the advice given. I found it very hard to understand I needed to do so much work on myself before I had any chance of being able to do the work to heal our marriage. I thought why should I have to change, this wasn’t something I did.

    Our counsellor does have a calming affect on both of us, she listens and calls us both out. I have heard tales of some people feeling their counsellor sides with one or the other. But ours seems very fair and questions both of us.

    Sometimes I have felt though that it is a lot of talking, and not much actual practical action. If I ask a question – such as ‘Is this normal to feel like this?’ I get something back like, ‘Everyone is different, not everyone deals with things the same way’. I think what I wanted was someone to say to me ‘Yes, you will feel all this stuff, and yes it is normal’. But perhaps that is not the job of a counsellor.

    I have come out of some of our counselling sessions mad as hell, when she has said something which I think is a personal attack on me (it isn’t, she would be calling me out on some of more more unhelpful behaviour, making me look at why I was doing stuff). Sometimes I have been sad. All of the sessions are draining.

    Ours have been more useful since the last D Day (there is no lying going on) and we have made progress. I am still embarrassed at talking to someone about our problems (even after all this time) and this has held me back from discussing some stuff head on. But now I think I am ready to hear some of the advice (and I have gone back over some of the stuff she said early on and I now understand what she means). I think she thought we were far further forward than we (I) actually are, but her advice is now starting to mean something.

    Finally (sorry this is so long) my husband has found the whole experience an eye opener. He was the last man on earth I would have thought could talk about how he feels. But he does and he opens up in sessions. He is better at it in session than out of it – I think because he feels safe with a referee present sometimes – but he is trying.

    • Not Over It says:

      HI SE – no apologies necessary. Your comments gave insight into the counseling process for many people.

      I also was not ready to hear a lot of what our second counselor said. Things like my husband loved me as his family partner, but had given his romantic love to her – that he would always have feelings for her but would have to learn to say no to his thoughts about seeing her, which would diminish over time – would they really? It had been 30 years since she dumped him and yet the sparks flew on just hearing about her. The counselor said that leaving a long-term affair partner was a process because of the attachments and feelings formed. He was more like a Mr. Fix It than a counselor. He wanted to lay it all out and give us a plan to follow and that was it. After four sessions, he said we were done. He could help us rebuild our marriage, but the affair recovery was finished. What? I was more depressed than ever after we stopped going to that counselor. It still depresses me to think about it, but I am stronger now – more scar tissue and thick walls around my heart.

      My husband hardly said a word through most of that. He sat and cried or listened with his head dropped to his chest. So unlike the knight in shining armor that everyone knows him to be… I complained to the counselor about his lack of involvement once. He said that Daniel was as involved as he could be at the time. He was too traumatized to say more. Again, what? Who was the betrayer here?

      I’m glad the process has opened your husband’s eyes. That is what I am hoping for. I will willingly go through more pain and grief if it will do that. Of course, I am NOT going back to the same counselor. I hope the next one is as good as yours.

      Thank you for your input, SE. Love & prayers to you,
      DJ

      • Paula says:

        Oh DJ, I feel so angry on your behalf, that sounds like a truly terrible experience – I am so sorry this was how it went with that first counsellor, no wonder you guys have been reluctant to get further help in this way!

      • userdand says:

        Good for you. Dump that guy. Somebody has to graduate at the bottom of the calss and it sounds like it was him.

        I wonder if the ability to compartmentalize, which enables having the affair while “still loving” the wife has anything to do with husbands in therapy. Is it actually a defiant act when they do not participate fully in the therapy, or do they believe, like the affair, they can compartmentalize and “not need” the OW any longer. Is it possible they feel they can shove that part of their life out of sight and mind and not allow it to interfere with their marriage like they did when it was an affair and just move on? Of course we know that means not dealing with the underlying issues so they are almost sure to reoffend, but it sound like it could be rationalized and just like they were able to be oblivious to the cost of cheating, do they believe they can now be oblivious the OW?.

  2. Foolish Woman says:

    I wish all of you good things from your counselling sessions. It’s a positive sign that your partners have at least agreed to go along to counselling.
    I wonder if it’s the male psyche that makes it so difficult for them to help us in the way we need to be helped?
    Labelling people isn’t generally helpful but most men do tend to want to DO something, rather than just explore things by talking about them.
    I know that in my husband’s case, it was his sense of guilt and his inability to turn the clock back and do things differently that inhibited him. His primary love language is different to mine so he was showing me something in a way I couldn’t read. And of course – repeatedly being reminded and being made to face what he’d done made him extremely uncomfortable.
    You’d think that with their propensity for action they’d actually DO something constructive to help our healing!!
    What I’m finding these days – at nearly four years since D-day#1 – is that I’m beginning to feel resentful about being the one who always identifies the problems in our relationship and strategises ways of dealing with them. I’m not prepared to go back to us being the way we were before he “fell from grace”. Why would I want to recreate that set of circumstances and take that risk again? And I can only cope with the knowledge of his infidelities in the context of our relationship continuing to be better than it was previously. Getting him on board with this can be difficult; I want to discuss matters, not issue him with orders!
    Hope this doesn’t come over as a big pile of negativity; there have been a lot of Significant Dates recently and I’ve not been coping very well.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi FW – I’m sorry to hear that those awful triggers have set you back some. I know you will come through it with a strength that defies the odds.

      I know that I will always be the one to keep my marriage afloat, and I agree that this can build resentment. At times, I feel it already. If only these cheating spouses could have seen the tremendous guilt looming on the horizon and taken another course. So many if onlys…

      But you have come so far with your healing! You found a way to work with what your husband was able to give… I need to remember that. Thank you, as always, FW.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  3. hiddinsight says:

    Brian was our therapist. Because he was able to get to the point so quickly, we were able to progress really fast. I took notes so we have lots to refer to. Love that statement about actions.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Hidden – Brian was your therapist??? Wow. That must have been awesome. How were you able to make that happen?

      • hiddinsight says:

        He actually lives just down the road from us…although he has more than one place and travels a lot so we just scheduled our coaching around times when he was at his house.

        It was exactly what we needed to be honest. Very expensive. But worth every penny.

  4. I am so grateful for an awesome counselor. He has compassion for both of us and he’s fair. When we leave he hugs us both and tells us he loves us. We started three or four weeks before full disclosure and I am so glad we did. I only go every third week now. It gives Lee two weeks to work in himself and his issues. When i go Dr D. makes it all about me hahaahhah Lee trusts him so he listens and applies what he’s learning. Before when we would fight it was all about words. He’d make empty promises that lasted about a month if that long. I never trusted anything he said. Now I see him following through and I am starting to trust him. He’s been reading the book How to heal your spouse from your affair and wow what a change! He is rereading it. I asked him what his thoughts were and he said that he’s done it all wrong. I asked him to tell me what wrong thing he did and he said he was more concerned about his pain in the beginning and wasn’t helping me with mine. I asked him if he would write down everything he did wrong and what he can do now and he said he would. I am praying for you guys and that your sessions will encourage change. healing. and trust in your lives. Blessings!

  5. Liberty says:

    I have gotten a lot from our counseling sessions as well. Sometimes it is difficult and I feel like we just go back and forth and the therapist is the referee, but I guess that is part of it.

    Tomorrow night will be our first one since H moved out. I am not sure how is it going to go, but I want to start concentrating on moving forward instead of being stuck here. My H and I have talked more about the EA since he moved out. I have talked at great length with Teresa about this and I have decided I need to accept his answers to my questions and move on. Just because I don’t understand doesn’t mean he is lying. He is trying to answer them the best he can, I think. Also with him being gone I have been able to let go of some of the anger and focus on happier things.

    I do know we would not even be speaking probably at this point if it were not for the counseling. It has taken at least 8 sessions for him to start to open up and answer the difficult questions. And she calls him on his BS when he tries to get out of answering!

    I have faith DJ and Theresa that you are going to get what you need too!

    xoxo’s to you both! Liberty

    • Not Over It says:

      Teresa is a wise woman. You are lucky to have her as a friend.

      That is wonderful that the counseling is having a positive effect on your ability to communicate with your husband. Whether you stay together or not, it will help you heal to be able to communicate with him.

      Calling him on his BS – that would be fantastic if someone could do that to Daniel!

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  6. GoddessWife says:

    We did marriage counseling for a few months 4yrs ago. It was brutal, I left every session feeling drained. I can only imagine what counseling is like for you. But you are working through the pain and it’s important to do that. Still, I’m sorry for the pain that you’re in. Looking forward to seeing you come out on the other side,

    • Not Over It says:

      Counseling is never easy, but with the support of everyone here, I am sure we will make it through this trial, and we will be even better and stronger than ever before. Thank you for your kind words, Goddess.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  7. Leise-Falyon says:

    For me the biggest importance of therapy was feeling heard… The first therapy session my husband and I went to went from 9am until 6pm. The therapists appointments for the day cancelled and we just kept talking. She was amazing, she worked with the book ‘Compassionate Communication’ by Marshall Rosenberg. She was a councilor with the Center for Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org). It is hard to put into words how powerful this therapy was. I would said the words of how I felt and then the counselor would translate it so that my husband could understand what I was saying. And then he would say how he felt and she would translate for him. We went on like this the entire day… with no breaks! We left there with a renewed understanding of each other and then signed up for their ‘Compassionate Communication’ classes. She really was able to help us feel heard and understood!

    • Not Over It says:

      Really does sound like powerful therapy. So much of what we mean is not expressed well in our words, or understood well by others, what with all the filters and barriers our minds put in the way. I will look it up. Thanks for sharing!

      Hope all is well on the Big Island of Hawaii –
      DJ

      • Leise-Falyon says:

        Thanks DJ,
        Island is well, although I did feel a slight tremor from an earthquake last night while I was sleeping. lol.

        The biggest thing that helped me was remembering that my anger was only hurting ME! Forgiveness is NOT for the other person (or people) it is for US! Getting all the anger out of you, sets you free. Looking back, the only thing I regret was not purging the anger out of me sooner. I didn’t deserve to be angry for so long. I deserved better. Somehow we think in our minds, that forgiving someone is somehow saying that it was alright for the person to hurt us. Because of this belief, it was the hardest for me to forgive my ex-best friend. My husband was a fool, but my ex-friend was trying to hurt me! That is F*** up. So forgiving that was tough, but then I turned it around and realized that continuing to hurt myself (with all my anger and resentment) with even more messed up!

        Remember, screaming at the top of your lungs, in the middle of the desert or lake (or anywhere you can be alone) REALLY, really helps!

        Lots of Love,
        Leise-Falyon

  8. Teresa says:

    I do think for counseling to work, both people in attendance have to be open and honest…something I feel isn’t happening with my H….last night he was VERY condescending when I explained to him that something he did earlier in the day had upset me, he even blamed me, saying a have a “bad attitude” and that he “can’t do anything right in my eyes”! What he doesn’t understand is that his attitude is almost the same as when he was involved in the EA….and I’m triggering all over the place, so OF COURSE I’m more sensitive to things he says or does!!
    But when we’re in counseling, he’s sweet and kind, takes most of the blame, says he understands why I feel the way I do, etc….
    Anyone that knows me, (Paula and Liberty) KNOWS that I’m a very upfront, in your face type of person, lol….right girls??
    I say what I mean and mean what I say…I think that’s why I’m having trouble getting over the resentment of the affair and the treatment afterwards…just tell me how you feel, darn it, and lets work on it….together!!!
    Last week my youngest son said something that really opened my eyes….I was getting on to him about something and afterwards I realized that I had been too harsh and went back to him to apologize and he said ” That’s ok mom, I’m getting use to it’ , he then said “I want my nice mom back, you aren’t nice anymore”….It about broke my heart to realize that he was RIGHT, I’m NOT a nice person anymore, I’m angry, and have no patience with him or his brothers! ! I DO NOT like myself at all right now!
    I told my son I was sorry, and that he was right, and I would work on that…and I am!!
    I even told our therapist about it and I also said that my first inclination was to blame my H and tell him “Look what you’ve turned me into!!” But, I can’t… I OWN this!! I’m the one who let the EA change me….and have let the anger and resentment overtake me!
    So now I’m working on that, to become the person I was BEFORE the EA changed my life….it would have been nice for my H to hold me when I was crying over my sons statement, and to say he was sorry for bringing all of this into our lives…but he didn’t.
    Even in our counseling session, when I told Richard about it, HE had more compassion on his face then my H has ever shown to me….at one point I thought Richard was going to cry, lol!!
    But I think I’m going to have to accept that I will never get what I want from my H…and I have to determine if I want to live this way. I did for 25 yrs before the EA…but now that my eyes have been opened, I’m not sure I can….but it’s early days still, and like Liberty said, it took about 8 sessons for her H to start to open up….maybe there is a chance that my H will see the need to work harder…I’m just so tired of doing it all alone!

    • userdand says:

      Hello T. MIssed you ladies but needed to keep the peace at home.

      “Can’t do anything right in your eyes” is laying the blame on you for his ineffectiveness in changing. YOU are impossible to please. YOU set the bar too high. YOU don’t know what you want. YOU are incapable of seeing change. YOU need to give him a break and get off his back. It’s all about you and NOT him. Throw some guilt around and see if you can make it stick is his MO.

      He’s trying to manipulate the counselor like he tries to manipulate you into believing he is doing his part and YOU are the real problem in making this marriage work. And on top of it all, now you are a bad mother and he has no part in affecting that either. Again, all about you. At every turn you are being set up as the bad guy. Who wouldn’t cheat on you and justifiably want out of the marriage?

      Three interesting observation that may be improperly filtered and mean nothing:

      You said twice “your” son, thrice “my” son, not ‘our’ “son. He wanted his nice “mom” back, not his nice “‘parents” back. H seems to show no compassion toward the suffering of “your” son. What’s up with that? Is he an unwilling step-parent like it sounds, or just insensitive to anyone who loves him?

      • Teresa says:

        Userdand,
        My H is Passive Aggressive…so maybe that will help explain the way he acts? He’s now reading up on P.A. And how to change, which is progress!!
        And I’m reading up on how to live WITH a spouse who is P.A…..I’m not going to be his enabler anymore!
        As for saying “my son” not “our son”, yes, I guess maybe that’s a Freudian slip??
        I have been the mom/dad pretty much all their lives….so I do tend to look at my boys as “mine”.

        It’s hard to explain, but it’s like my H has been living in the house, but not a participant….if that makes sense? Not that we had a bad life, actually we got along pretty well, thats why the EA was such a surprise!!
        Since learning that he’s P.A. I now realize that underneath that passive exterior was a lot of anger and resentment towards me….and his EA was a way of “getting even”!
        I’ve only come to realize how things TRULY were in our marriage, after Dday…..I WAS the primary parent, almost like the good cop/bad cop scenario, and he was “just one of the boys”….and I was so use to this, I really never let it bother me!
        I was use to defending myself….for example, my brother is VERY opinionated, and had NO problem calling me up and blasting me for not taking care of our mother like HE thought I should (he lives several hundred miles away) and the only thing my H would say is “Why do you let him bother you so much”? No hugs, no concern, no calling my bro and saying “Hey dude, stop yelling at MY wife!”….which is what I REALLY wanted him to do, but I knew he wouldn’t! Shoot, he doesn’t even do it with his own father, who’s a raging alchoholic!!
        I do have to add though…since Dday, he HAS done that for me!! And my bro didnt like it, for about a yr after when He would visit my mom, he would barely talk to me, lol, but hey, he stopped calling and criticizing me!!
        And my H DOES admit that he’s let me down MANY times in our marriage!! So he’s aware NOW that his behavior has to change, it’s just getting him to do the work…..the last couple of weeks I’ve seen a change in him though….especially since I gave him until May 6th to show me a change or we separate!!
        His EA was four months long, and so I gave him four months to get his act together or he moves out! Hey, I think I’m being VERY generous, since it’s been over 2 yrs since Dday!!
        I came to this decision after listening to a webinar by Brian and Anne Hercht….Brian said to look at the actions, NOT the words!! And that’s what I’m doing….His actions for over two yrs have been CRAP, while his words have been sweet to hear….Well, talk is CHEAP and the actions had better start matching the words or we separate, not divorce, I DO NOT want that, but he has to get his act together…NOW!!
        Whew! Sorry this was a bit of a rant! I type like I talk, which is a lot, lol!!

  9. Not Over It says:

    I’m sorry your husband cannot get his head out of the sand. He got it out of his ass when he ended his affair, but then he went and stuck it in the sand because he couldn’t deal with seeing himself in the light of day. Sounds so much like my husband…

    My husband also came off as so sweet and understanding and willing to work together, especially with our first counselor. I think she thought he was a dream. She couldn’t see what my problem was. It was all a front. He was nothing like that outside her door. I suppose he couldn’t have kept that up forever, but I didn’t continue long enough to find out. This time, if the counselor is a good one, I will stick it out – like Liberty. Eight whole sessions for him to start opening up? Geez.

    I have also had to come to terms with my relationship with my children. I tend to withdraw when I am hurting, but they needed me to be there for them. They have also said that they wanted their old mom back, but she died. The new me is wiser and deeper and more compassionate, but I am a different DJ.

    Coach James told me the same thing a while back, Teresa – that I would have to decide if I could live with things the way they are because Daniel is not likely to change. I determined then to heal on my own, regardless what Daniel does or doesn’t do. That’s easier said than done, and I slip and fall all the time, but I know my course. We will make it, Teresa. You and me both…

    Love & prayers,
    DJ

  10. Teresa says:

    Crying right now, DJ…words cannot express how thankful I am to have you and my other cyber buddies in my corner, knowing you all understand…I am NOT crazy for not being over this, just hurting, 2 yrs and 1 mo. later…

    • Not Over It says:

      You are most definitely NOT crazy for being NOT OVER IT! Maybe there are people who can get mad, rant and rave, and then shrug it off… just like there are people who can watch slasher films and enjoy it. That’s not me, and I don’t think it’s you, either. We just loved and trusted too much, and now we are trying to go against human nature and forgive the unforgiveable. If anyone else betrayed me that way, I would wash my hands of them. But here I am trying to make a new life with someone who hurt me more than anyone else ever could.

      And yet I love him. I love our life. And so I keep working at it. We are still at the low end of the healing scale: average is 2 – 4 years, right?

      Thinking of you and praying for you,
      DJ

  11. Paula says:

    DJ, and Teresa, I think we all knew that healing from this deepest of cuts would be tough, but I don’t know that any of us knew how tough WE would have to be. I thought I was really tough, very strong, very practical, very independent, I was not quite the cool customer I believed I was. The decisions that have to be made. I feel so deeply for both of you with your husbands who may well never be capable of the change you so desperately require – and you deserve! I have one who was always a really fabulous partner and lover before all of this, and he has done everything he can to try to “fix” us, and it is STILL so very hard, so very heartbreaking!

    I think what you said, DJ about loving your life (outside of the affair rubbish) resonates so very loudly with me. I love my life, too. And I will not give it up because my partner and my friend were cruel, selfish whores! I won’t. If I leave, or ask him to leave again, permanently, I will be close to the breadline with two school aged children still to put through uni, I refuse to do that to any of us because he “felt abandoned” for five seconds and put his c%&# in a whore, over and over. Sorry, bit grumpy today! One thing I have realised throughout all of this is that I am more materialistic than I thought I was – I thought I was quite the opposite, but, bit like the middle-class liberal I am, I was non-materialistic as long as I could still have the odd designer pair of shoes, buy the odd round of some REALLY good cheese, and my house at the lake, lol! Disappointing to know, but the truth of me. I think I may be less so if my younger children were now financially independent – or rather I hope I would be – but they are some years off that as yet. Therefore, at this stage, I choose to stay, and try to suck up the pain a bit. Nothing is forever, I can leave anytime if I need to, and I believe I will, if I just cannot bear the pain any longer, and I will be absolutely okay. I just wish that my desperate bids to “choose happiness” would work a little faster and more effectively, lol 😉

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you for your openness in sharing, Paula. Yes, the lives we lead play a role in our decisions, not just the love we have for our spouses. Daniel and I worked hard to build our lives and to develop our relationships with our communities, our families and our kids – as I’m sure you did, too. We have a good life together. I would be stupid to throw it away, and for what? Because my husband was stupid and selfish? I don’t think so. I will try until I know I have tried everything. Hopefully something good kicks in before I have tried it all.

      I am also a bit grumpy today. Well, we both got to vent a little. Hope you are well down in New Zealand.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  12. Teresa says:

    Paula, thank you for reminding me why I continue to fight for my marriage!!
    I’ve spent over 27 yrs building a life with my husband, and I’m darned if some frizzy headed, bleach blonde is going to destroy what I have! NOT that it would be all her fault, but as she told my H “She, (meaning me) is living MY life!” Right!!
    I have a beautiful home that WE built, four GREAT boys and friends and family that love and support us! This is MY life, NOT hers and I will NOT give the COW the satisfaction of destroying my family!
    So it’s back to counseling next week, stumbling and fumbling our way to recovery!!

  13. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    Way to go, Paula, DJ & Teresa! 🙂 NEVER hand your husbands over to those whores! (I’m a bit grumpy today myself.)

  14. Teresa says:

    Must be the weather making us all grumpy! I just know I’m emotionally exhausted…took a 3 1/2 nap today…I NEVER do that!!

    • Not Over It says:

      Well, you must have really needed some peace and quiet and restful sleep. Hope it was restful…

      I had a nightmare last night. I don’t have them often anymore, but once in a while something will trigger me during the day that will result in a nightmare sometime soon after. Last night, I dreamt that the OW was here, trying to get my husband to run away with her. I beat her up a little, and Daniel got mad at me because he said it was an unfair fight. Other things happened that I can’t remember anymore, but I remember that part. Yuck.

      I must have been crying in my sleep because when I woke up,Daniel leaning over me, gently touching my face to wake me from my dream. He didn’t say anything – as usual – but he kissed me all over and we ended up making love. It was hard at first to push away thoughts of him and her since I had just been dreaming about it, but I focused and immersed myself in the pleasure of the moment, and blissfully floated off into a world where there was just Daniel and me.

      Wouldn’t you know, I’m not so grumpy today… Ha! Hope you’re feeling better, too, Teresa.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  15. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    DJ, your 2/9/13 advice to Fulfilled Entrepreneur was Right On! You never cease to fascinate me!
    😀

  16. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    Teresa, I read your comment to FE, too. It was an eye-opener. You’ve got spunk (like DJ)! I LOVE that!

    • Teresa says:

      LOL, Well BS1981….sometimes too MUCH spunk, just ask my H!!! 😉 But FE is STILL trying to control the situation…and someone needs to call him out on it! If I was his wife, I would have felt like he was threatening me…in a subtle way, using the kids!
      Those children are the only stability in her world right now…and if he had said that to me…whew! There would have been hell to pay!

      DJ, OH.MY.WORD that second counselor….did he actually have a license?? Where in heavens name do they come from?? That’s ALL Daniel needed…a counselor that felt sorry for him, to reassure him he was doing OK!! UIGGHH!!!

      And as for me and my H doing better…well, if silence is a good thing, I guess we are???
      At this point, we really aren’t speaking…he did two really small, dumb things on Wed. that triggered me…things that only us BS would understand AND a CS who had DONE THE FREAKNG WORK….but since my H HASN’T, he just didn’t get why I was so upset!
      And then when he turns it around that I’M being unreasonable and not appreciating what he is doing…well, that didnt go down to well!
      Why is it that they cheat, and then can’t figure out why we can’t get back to a “normal life??”
      Ummmm, because Honey, I DID do that, the FIRST damn time YOU cheated on me!!! REMEMBER???
      Oh wait, NO he didn’t remember the pain I was in, the panic attacks I suffered, the sleepless nights, the weight loss, the anxiety medication I was on, baring my soul to a therapist who NEVER counseled my H about why he cheated!!!
      Gee, now I wonder why I’m not getting back to “normal”?!?! As soon as someone can tell me what normal is…I’ll be happy to go there!
      Helloooo, can someone please point me towards a “normal life”….It seems I’ve lost my way!!!! LOL!

  17. Amy says:

    DJ, I know counseling is a long and hard process and I know it must have been a hard decision. I am wondering about a couple of things. I don’t know everything and am just wondering. I know you two are trying to hold things together. I know what you want and need for things to move forward. Has he said what would help him? I realize he is the one who did the damage. But maybe it isn’t a matter of him not caring enough to do this or that. Maybe he isn’t capable or doesn’t know how? I’m not defending him by any means. But I know at times I have wanted or expected something and then not given the instruction on how to do it. Then I was angry and disappointed on not receiving it in the way I wanted it. Then the other person, whether a love interest or friend, was frustrated because they did it the best way they knew possible. Maybe part of this is a communication issue and not really an issue him being defiant or not wanting to take responsibility. I don’t know. I am just saying this from personal experience and from caring about you from reading your blog. My heart always is with you.

    Love and prayers,
    Amy

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Amy – he would like nothing better than to bury it deep somewhere and never mention it ever again. He might feel that he is not capable, but that’s just not fair to me or to himself.

      It is partly a communication issue because he clams up and does not communicate at all. I go around guessing at what he wants much of the time. He is being very uncooperative. My coach and I go through line by line descriptions of many of my conversations with Daniel sometimes, and my coach feels I do very well in communicating my needs and I do ask Daniel about his needs. He says he has none and I’m perfect. If only that were true…

      He is a great husband as long as there is no mention of his affair. Then he turns into a sulking baby. I know most cheating spouses would rather not talk about it at all, and just work on rebulding the marriage. That again makes it all about them and their needs. How is that fair to the betrayed spouse? There may be betrayed spouses who prefer not to talk about it, but I doubt that is a common thing.

      I will find a way through it, or maybe around it. I will make my own happiness, with or without him. I am done being the victim and done trying to move the both of us forward by myself. He’s going to have to jump on the wagon or get lost in the dust. It will be his choice.

      Thank you for asking, Amy. It’s good to help me stay focused and clear about what I am doing.

      Hope you are enjoying your weekend…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • Amy says:

        I am glad that he is going to therapy then. Maybe someone else confronting him will be beneficial. 🙂 You deserve happiness. And it is obvious that you love him. And I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. I just wondered. Sometimes as much as I love to communicate in some ways, I can’t always articulate how I feel or what I need. It has been a frustration for me most of my life.
        Love & prayers, hon!

      • Teresa says:

        Yes, DJ YES!! Are you living in MY house??? Except my H doesn’t seem to care about rebuilding the marriage…he just wants us to be “normal” again…the sad thing is, we weren’t normal before the EA!
        I see that now!! He still went silent on me when we disagreed, he talked “down” to me…and I didn’t even recognize it!
        My sweet daughter in law just told me that! She said she asked my son why his dad “talked” that way to me, that if he did that to her, she’d be in tears…and I was so used to it, I had to ask her what she meant, because I DID NOT see it!!! How sad is that?
        He wants to go back to that? No thanks!!

      • Not Over It says:

        @Amy – I didn’t take it as disrespectful. I just get all riled up when talking about my husband’s disrespect. I’m sorry I ranted all over you about it.

        @Teresa – yep. Our husbands seem to come from a similar mold. My husband did a couple more stupid things this past weekend, and I am in a funk over it. I’m depressed today. I’ll get over it, but right now, I’m depressed. Hope you are doing ok.

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s