I thought I was done with letting big triggers send me into a tailspin. I was wrong.
I was cleaning out my bedroom closet. I have mentioned before that we moved just before my Discovery day and it took a few months before I even attempted to unpack everything. Daniel stacked a lot of boxes in corners and nooks and crannies and there are still some boxes hiding from me. Well, in cleaning our bedroom closet, I came across my memory box stashed in very back of one corner on his side of the closet. I had looked for it before and couldn’t find it. I opened it and, right on top, I found a small stack of letters he had written to me. Some were from the first time he went home for the summer, and the rest were from right after we married. He moved first back to his hometown and I joined him three months later. These letters have some history.
When we were packing everything up for me to move to the city where he now works – this was during his affair – we came across this same memory box together. He opened it and wanted to throw away those letters. I objected. He said that he didn’t want anyone else to ever read the things he had written there and he thought it best to get rid of them. I still objected and said they were precious to me. He told me he had already thrown away all the letters I had ever written to him. He had kept them until that point but said it would be embarrassing for anyone else to read them. He ordered me to throw the letters away. I refused. He called me names and said that this was a good example of why he couldn’t stand me anymore. This was typical of how he treated me during his affair. I thought it was clinical depression and that he needed medication and professional help. Anyway, I stood my ground and I put the box among the others that were ready for shipping.
Shortly after Dday I wanted to look at those letters. It was important to me to see that he had loved me at one time. I searched the house for that box. I couldn’t find it. Then I found some of my memory items in another box. Daniel told me that he had thrown away the letters and moved the rest of the stuff into other boxes. I was so hurt. I was hurt that he had thrown away the letters I had written to him – it had hurt before, but now it made sense. The letters were no longer precious to him because he was in love with someone else. He had said it,hadn’t he, that he couldn’t stand me anymore… I was also hurt that he threw away the letters he wrote to me. They were mine and I had expressly said I wanted to keep them. It was another jab that cut to the core. I never really got over that one, I guess.
On Sunday when I found the letters, I burst into tears. It was the one thing I had so needed to see two years ago. I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t talk. Daniel came into the room to see what was wrong. I showed him the letters. He was surprised. He said he honestly thought that he had thrown them away, but there they were. He went back to what he was doing – cleaning the pantry, and I sat to look at them. I picked up the first one to read it. It was full of young love and desire. In the last paragraph, he wrote, “In the name of God, I swear that you will always be my one and only love, and I will always be with you.” It was four months later that he cheated on me the first time.
Then I picked up a card that I had given him around that time. Inside I had written “I will love you forever.” He and I both remember the night I first said those words to him. We were sitting on the floor in his room, leaning on his bed, with book strewn all around us. We were “studying.” We actually did get some studying done, but in between that, I looked at him and knew it was time to say those words. He was overjoyed and we had a wonderful make-out session with both of us saying it over and over. Silly kids… it became our special phrase.
I’ve written about the stupid acronyms they used in their emails. The most common that they used daily was IWLYF… I will love you forever. It crushed me to see that he wrote these words to someone else.
So seeing that card with the first time I wrote those words to him, plus the letters, and him swearing in the name of God… it all sent me over the edge. I cried hard for a long time. In the middle of it, Daniel came in and I managed to get it out and tell him all these things. He was quiet for a while, then he lashed out at me, saying it like Day 1 all over again. (He has obviously blocked that out because Dday was nothing like that. On that day, I screamed and fumed and hit him several times. I was out of control and I pushed him so hard that he went flying about 10 feet, landing on our bed. I guess I had a little sense left. I didn’t try to push him out the window, which was closer. On this day, I was sobbing and quietly managed to get the words out.)
Daniel said he was not going to let me torment him like this, and I had to make a decision. Either I stay and shut the f*** up or I leave. And he walked out of the room. A couple minutes later he came back in and said that if I wanted him to leave, just say it and he’ll be gone. I cried a long, long time.
The next day we did not speak except for the necessities of getting the baby taken care of. Today I called him to tell him that there was still soup on the stove if he wanted to go home for lunch. I was not warm or loving, but I knew he didn’t take lunch today and it is my practice to be considerate, upset or not. He was quiet for a while, then he said he would bring me lunch. He went home and had the soup and brought me some after that. No mention of our fight.
With uncanny timing, our fellow blogger Aaron wrote a post yesterday about being sorry. He wonders if he should stay and wonders what is keeping him there. It is what I am thinking about now, too. His post is very well written, as is usual for Aaron. Here is the link:
I made the decision to stay, but I feel like he is pushing me out the door. During his affair, he would threaten to leave anytime we had a fight. He doesn’t do that anymore but I don’t think it’s because he loves me so much. It’s because he promised to stay as long as I wanted him to stay. Now that he is trying out being a man of his word, he has changed his line. His new line is that he’ll leave if I want him to. All I have to say to that is DAMNED BASTARD. I guess I’m upset. I never swore at all until my discovery of his affair.