So Fulfilled Entrepreneur said in a comment yesterday that his wife doesn’t believe he is not still in contact with the OW. She also doesn’t believe he loves her. Both of these are instances of the loss of trust. She is right smack in the middle of the worst part of the pain that comes with the grief of losing that trust and that belief in your spouse. It will probably be a long time before she stops suspecting that FE is still in touch with his OW, especially since there were multiple Ddays. I said it on his blog, too, but geez, my heart cries for her. That’s a pain like no one can imagine unless they’ve been there.
After more than two years, my stomach still lurches when I see my husband texting or emailing. I tell myself to get a grip and that I don’t need to look at who he’s contacting, but it’s hard. Last night, I went and checked his phone and then the phone company’s records against each other because I had seen him completely engrossed in texting someone. It was his brother. So I snuggled up just a little closer with him in bed… but I had to go and check first. Oh, and this was all after we kissed and made up and I stopped thinking about my detailed plans for leaving.
I just wrote on Huperecho’s blog that to this day, I do not believe my husband loves me the way he loves her. His last email to her said that he would love her forever but that he had to fulfill his obligations to his family. Every time I start to relax and accept his love, he does something stupid to set off all my red flags again. Ex-cheaters will need to learn what their spouse’s triggers are and AVOID THEM as much as possible. The betrayed spouse will learn to deal with them in their own time. Ex-cheaters just need to stay clear of those triggers until the betrayed spouse learns to handle them.
To FE, right now, your own face may be a trigger. Saying “I love you” might be a trigger. They were for me. Not much you can do about those… my husband did find a love quote that did quite well in avoiding those words. It said, “Grow old with me. The best is yet to come.” I was so touched I cried that he spent the time to look for a love quote that didn’t say the word “love.”
Of course, I had to get past those pretty quickly if I wanted to work on my marriage. And yet, sometimes when he tells me he loves me, I still see those words as they appeared in his emails. I hear them in my head – all the voicemails I was able to extract from his files filled with love and longing. At those times I close my eyes and remind myself that he chose to be here with me. LFBA, Looking for Buddha Again, helped me to pound that into my stubborn head. Most of the time it works but once in a while it doesn’t. But I never tell him that because it is at those very times that I know he is trying so hard…