I made a rather insensitive remark to Cathmae yesterday, and she posted about it. It is a very insightful piece and I wanted to share it with you all.

choosingmyownwellbeing

Seems to me many of us are trained to think that one should remain in a relationship with a person one loves, because Love is, in and of itself, reason enough.  I suppose I have held this belief in the past, and maybe had to think this way in order to stay married for as long as I did.

I know I was loved in my marriage.  And?  Does that fact excuse, eclipse or otherwise render meaningless the hateful behaviour I accepted for so long?  And I know I loved Roger with my whole heart, but my willingness to participate in a dysfunctional relationship had less to do with that and more to do with a lack of self-love.

One of several blogs I, and it would appear many others, really love is Not Over It.  Blogger DJ is a strong woman working valiantly to save a 30 year…

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11 thoughts on “

  1. Brilliant. Love is absolutely not enough.

  2. I completely agree with this statement. I have many times told my husband in letters and conversations, sometimes to his despair, other times to explain my despair. Love alone is not enough! I’ve learned that in this hard road we are traveling! I use to believe that because I loved and I thought that I expressed my love for him, he would cherish it. It is clear that he lost respect for me and forgot the part I had in his life. Forgot the commitment to work together when any problems arouse between us. Love alone did not save me then. Now his ‘even stronger than before love for me’ might not save him. I have not said ‘I love you’ to my husband for a very long time! I am committed to helping us heal, but I have never from the beginning told him that I am here for good. I can not say that yet and he knows that. We are together, we are very honest and caring with each other, we invest in our new relationship, but the death of the blind trust, the altered immeasurable respect I had for him and his high moral l praised so much is altered! I know I feel love for him, because I would not endure this pain unless I had love in my heart. I still have respect for his professional achievements, but in our relationship, he has broken something vital in my believe, which I have always valued more than my unconditional love, (or his previously to the affair) and that is the blind trust and respect I had for him. This together with my love and the belief of his for me, made my world right! I used to tell my husband that I have seen too many people in the world abusing their partners, while all along professing: – But I love her! So where is the respect to treat this person with love, as you would like to be treated? Love is beautiful and powerful when paired with respect and trust.

    • junebug says:

      tryingtoowife, Wow – you hit the nail on the head as to where I am. It is very sad to me that I can now look at my husband and pretty much feel nothing. I don’t feel love, like, dislike, anger — nothing. (ok, anger is there) . We are working on our marriage, but sometimes I just wonder when/if I will ever look at him and just be happy to be with him. Sad. Really and truly sad that his stupid mid-life crisis and some sweet young thing made such an impact on my life and our marriage and that he thought (thinks) it is no big deal and I need to ‘move on’ in my emotions of anger/mis-trust.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hey Junebug – my husband tried that one – it’s no big deal – but I had already seen the emails where he said he loved her more than life and would love her forever, that he regretted not chasing after her when she dumped him, that he regretted marrying me…

        But he does still tell me I need to get over it. He knows my blog’s name is Not Over It… I think it’s kinda stupid to think that I would just get over it.

        Hugs,
        DJ

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey TTW – love, respect, and trust… necessary components of a good marriage. Once destroyed, very difficult to rebuild…

      I think that many cheating spouses often come to see themselves as above the rules. They are above the rules and above us… they are feeling entitled to gratification of their needs in any way they choose. In so doing, they destroy our respect and trust. And since love is not enough, recovery is so very difficult.

      Sending love & prayers to you –
      DJ

  3. Paula says:

    Thank you DJ, and cathmae.

    The words to two of one of my favourite band’s songs, said this to me, right at the beginning of my journey through this hell, the lyrics spoke to me in a way I hadn’t ever thought of them before. Manic Street Preachers’ Your Love Alone (is not enough, not enough, not enough…) and You, Stole the Sun From My Heart. Love is not enough, some days, I wonder what will be, whether anything is “enough” now, 😉 I have also told anyone who needed to know anything about our (previous) separations that I still loved my boy very deeply, and that letting him go was a part of that love.

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