I always say that pain and depression due to infidelity cannot be swept under the rug. It must be dealt with or it will fester and grow like a cancer. Now we have a new friend here whose husband had an affair 28 years ago. It was never dealt with and now, after suffering through painful triggers, she is traumatized all over again. I have copied her comments here, along with Teresa’s reply to her. It’s kind of long, but it will give you the idea of what’s going on with her.
She’s asking for our advice on how to deal with her situation. What do you think?
To DJ and all who have responded here.
How do you push away thoughts of your husbands, supposedly EA that happened 28 yrs. ago and have all come back full force? I’ve been dealing with it for a year now and they are getting worse as I’ve confronted him with the questions of his 3 yrs. A that I never got answers to. He feels that we should just move on, I should not be thinking about it, even though he has treated me not very nice the past 4 yrs., with the last one being the worse, due to my bringing up the past and he feels that I shouldn’t be. I want the truth of those 3 yrs. and I know that I don’t have it and I keep going over all the details in my head, trying to put the pieces together and they don’t add up. I am going to have him take another polygraph test as he failed the first two 25 yrs. ago and the examiner wasn’t the best one around. I will find the best this time and if he refuses to do it then I’m out of here. He swears they didn’t have sex, but yet he went off on two weekends with her in that 3 yr. period. We had never been with anyone else, got married at 18 and he says that would have been crossing the line for him. I say sleeping in bed with her was more than I could handle and I don’t believe him. I’m tired of living with not knowing the truth, him not telling me how deep his feelings were for her and his constant comment of not remembering things. We’ve been married 51 yrs. and this past yr. has been hell. I can’t get her or what he did by betraying me off my mind. I don’t know if I love him anymore and sometimes can’t even stand the sight of him. I loved him so much and never dreamed that he would ever cheat on me. I thought, like our friends, that we had a wonderful marriage, even though he drank too much at social events. That’s how it started with her also and she worked at his office. Anyway, point being, he says that I am obsessing, my 2 daughter’s say the same thing and I don’t agree, plus it’s none of their business, but he brought them into the picture. So, now I’m being accused of breaking up the family if we separate and that’s a good possibility. I just don’t want to do it before Christmas due to the 3 grandchildren coming home. But things are so bad at home and I still haven’t found the right counselor. Please, any advice would be so welcome.
Maxine6…..you can’t push away the thoughts….plain and simple! My H had an EA that started back in Sept. 2010 and lasted until I found out on Jan. 1, 2011….and on top of that, while stationed overseas 25 yrs ago, he had an EA then too!
I brushed that one aside, since EA’s had no name back then, and the OW was just a name to me, since it happened thousands of miles a way…..well, I GUESS you can say I brushed it aside, if you don’t count the panic attacks and depression that I went through, 1 1/2 yrs after I found out! I ended up being put on meds for the panic attacks, having a lot of not so fun tests done, because I had such extreme “symptons” I was experiencing…and I ended up seeing a counselor for a few months…I don’t remember what we talked about, but I do know my H’s affair did come up…but instead of the counselor dealing with HIM and why he did this, the focus was on me, and why I was depressed! Looking back now, I think to myself, “Well, DUH, your H had a EA, possibly a PA” no WONDER I was depressed!! My H swears it wasn’t a PA, but he WAS thousands of miles from home, no accountability….has admitted holding her hand and a chaste kiss on the cheek a couple of times….righhhtttt!!! Would you believe that? So anyway, I wrote all that because when his current EA came to light, not only did I have to deal with THAT, I had to go back 25 yrs and delve into THAT EA because it was all buried under the rug, I really had NO clear answers…I was a mess for quite awhile while trying to get answers out of him! My H couldn’t remember details, and I wanted details, baby!! Led to quite a few arguments, let me tell you!! It’s so sad that these husbands of ours think they can have their “fun” and then when they get caught, can just say “Im sorry”….and then walk away like nothing happened and get back on with life!! Do they REALLY have such little respect for us??
Teresa, I feel for you, none of it’s fair and mine would not have come back 3 yrs. ago if he hadn’t started treating me differently all of a sudden. I know a lot of things contributed to it, stock market, daughter owing us $10,000 and not paying it back which really made him mad. Drinking 3 glass’s of wine every night and anger issues over everything, including my back going out and having issues when we did travel. He had no patience with anything and then wasn’t loving me but about every 3 months. I felt unloved, neglected, he was taking a shower to work out, so my mind went back to the 1st. Affair, now that I knew the symptoms. I copied phone numbers, etc. He wasn’t having one, but I sure didn’t feel any better when he was treating me so badly. Then it all came back to me and I questioned why did I stay married to him for another 25 yrs. only to have a husband like this. I so wished that I had divorced him after the A when I was only 40, not at the age I am now, which is 69, YUK! I don’t like my life, like you, it’s all come back and I feel the same way that you do, he’s not telling me the truth and I can’t let it go and I don’t care if it’s 25 yrs. ago. He’s fed up with the questions he never answered years ago and I’m angry that he won’t be honest and just tell me what happened those 3 yrs.
I like you suffered from severe panic attacks and am having them really bad again. Back then, they had to put me in a research program to try and figure out how to stop them. I had never had them before, but the stress was more than I could bear. I also had a stage 3 Melanoma surgery 6 weeks after finding out about the affair and a total hysterectomy 18 months later, due to stress. Our daughter at 16 left home and moved in with her boyfriend due to the tension in our home, which I had just designed, custom-built and was only there for 2 months when I found out about the affair from the OW husband. Such a sad time after all the work I had done and it was our dream home, but it turned out to be a “haunted house of nightmares!” The same daughter got married young, got pregnant, divorced in one year and never went to college like her siblings until she was in her late 30′s. She’s now 40 and has had a difficult life and it has a lot to do with what her Dad did, but yet, he never takes any responsibility for it.
We moved, I designed another house and have been in it almost 20 yrs. and now the last 4 have been hell. Life shouldn’t be like this for either one of us. My counselor also should have focused more on him, but he wasn’t cooperating with her either. Those questions were never answered or pursued until he would give up and come up with some kind of reason. So now he’s mad that he’s having to deal with all this 25 yrs. later, to bad, he should have addressed it back then.
Not sure how all this is going to end. I just know that it won’t get out of my head and I hate going on more medication to accomplish that. I take Klonopin and Wellbutrin now to help me, but it’s not working. I hope that you find some kind of peace, we both deserve it.