Pushing away dark thoughts

I mentioned in my last post that I am learning to live life again by  my pain through pushing dark thoughts away.  I realized after some time that the only way I was ever going to feel better was by taking charge of my mind.  Pushing dark thoughts away takes some practice – over two years of practice in my case.  I am still working on it, but I’m getting better.  Our blogging friend NM needs some methods to try out in pushing away her dark thoughts.  Do you have any that you are using?

My method comes from two of the therapists I have seen, as well as my marriage coach James.  They all said the same thing about pushing dark thoughts away.  Inside of your head, scream into your mind, “STOP!”  The first few times I did it, the effect only lasted a few seconds, and the thoughts didn’t really go away.  They just sort stayed behind a line that was a few feet away from me in my mind, and then pounced right back on me after those few seconds.  But the therapists all said to keep doing it until it starts to make an impact.  So I did, and it started to work.  It’s still not a complete cure, but it does help to keep dark thoughts at bay for a while so that I can enjoy things again.  As I said in my post, it now feels like they go behind a door.  Sometimes they pound on the door and I have to “yell” at them again, but I can do it for periods of time, as long as I’m busy with people and I am determined not to let those dark thoughts ruin my day.  When I’m alone, it’s still very difficult unless I’m doing something physical, like a rigorous workout or Tai Chi.

It’s all a mind game to me.  At the beginning, I totally and absolutely hated the very idea that I had to play mind games in my own head in order to live my life after infidelity.  I have always strived to live a clean and simple life so that I would never have to deal with this sort of thing.   I did not choose this path.  I did nothing to cause it except to trust in the one person who should have had my back.  I was bitter and resentful about the whole thing.

But then I realized that things were not going to change unless I changed them.  And the only way that I could start the change was to play those games in my head.  So I did.  I suppose there will come a point when I don’t need them anymore.  As I have slowly opened myself up to God again, I see that meditating on Him is the very best medicine.  That’s me personally and my faith.

Meditation with movement or chanting keeps the mind occupied and free from clutter and pain.  Chanting, running, cardio workouts… they all work.  Whatever kind of meditation you choose, I do believe very much in it.

I came across a YouTube video of a Buddhist monk levitating.  It looked legit.  My Asian husband has seen it himself.  Powerful stuff, that meditation.

Tai Chi has become my favorite form of meditation.  Once you know the steps of the routine well, you can focus on your breathing.  That’s when I go into “the zone” and free my spirit of everything as I focus on perfection of form and breath as God breathes the force of life in and through me – chi.  Too esoteric?  Maybe.  But for me, it works.  Do you do any of my methods?  Do you do anything different?  Have you heard about anything different?  I’d like to hear about anything and everything that might make a difference for us betrayed spouses in our recovery.

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40 thoughts on “Pushing away dark thoughts

  1. Foolish Woman says:

    The Stop sign worked for me, with a bit of practice.

    btw – I’ve nominated you for the Liebster Award.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi FW! Oh yes, I remember now that you told me about it before. I had tried it on the recommendation of my therapists but was not very successful. I was about to give up and you told me that it worked for you, so I kept at it and got to be pretty good.

      Thank you for the nomination! I am touched. It is only possible for me to continue because of the support from friends such as you.

      Hope all is well in your life, my dear FW.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  2. I am not doing so well in the self control side of things, that said I am about to start CBT in a week or so, which might help. I have a punch bag hanging from a beam in the house, a relic from the days of my boxing training, this has certainly had the dust removed from it recently and when I get some time to myself with nobody else in the house I tend to loose myself in a short burst of rage until I have nothing left. Not calming exactly but very satisfying.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi I – interesting screen name – you are just starting your journey and it’s understandable that self-control is difficult right now. It was for me, too.

      I am a very physical person. I am a fitness instructor and dance teacher, as well as a school resource teacher. So the punching bag idea sounds like something I would love. Thank you for commenting!

      I know what you mean about that burst being satisfying. I am a fitness instructor and for a while after Dday, I would do workouts and martial arts forms with such intensity that the people at my center started calling me Wonder Woman in Yoga pants. It felt very satisfying. Still does, although I don’t need quite as much intensity as I did before.

      Grace and peace to you,
      DJ

  3. DJ. This method – Stop! – unfortunately did not work for me, but I tried it! The way I found I could control it, was to give myself some time to feel the force of dark thoughts when it came, (let’s say, 5 minutes), feel it, process it and then let it go. Of course, also mind distraction was necessary for when it happened if I was not by myself, and I did not want anyone noticing the turmoil I was experiencing. My second method was to force myself thinking of images of places I loved, paying attention to the colors and details I could describe to myself, and ‘smell the scents and feel’ and listen to the sea sound, etc. But what really helped me is that I love languages. So I enrolled myself in a new language course, and every week for few hours, it took me out of the house in the evenings, away from the husband I did not want to be with (yes, I ignored him, could not bear being near him!). At home I used that to distract my mind, at every possible idle mind moment, by studying and reading in this new language, even in front of the television with him by my side, if a trigger happened I would try to calmly close my eyes and think of a verb and translate it! I became so good at it, that I found myself swearing at my husband (in my mind) in foreign languages. I reached in that time (2 years) intermediate level, because I used it as my scape, literally, because I also traveled to that country by myself, when all became too much at times. I sometimes, at the gym I run fast, as if I was running away from the thoughts, faster I could go, further I would leave them behind me! I am a trained dancer, which I gave up to have a regular job and spend more time with my children, outside of that world demands, and I have gone back to dancing , and the ecstasy of the feelings kept me in some form of ‘levitation’. But is fair to say that my husband need as much as I did in this case. He also had to find his tools to deal with it. We learned meditation together, which he used with intent. I have a million of things I forced myself doing to give some new sense and I gain control to my thoughts and my life, I am all new now, not by my choice but I am. Some of these ‘methods’ now became pure enjoyment, not a tool anymore. Something else. Time is our best friend in these problems. I am much more able to control the dark thoughts now because I am stronger to deal with it, and ‘ IT’ is becoming weaker. But because time helped me to help myself.

    • Not Over It says:

      Wow, TTW – you sound so much like me! I am also a trained dancer and I also love languages. I speak three and half. I say half because I am just learning a new one right now, too. I also feel that it keeps my mind occupied. I don’t run, but I do work out with great intensity – less so now than before – and I find it therapeutic.

      I do most of the things you mention – I am a naturally reflective person who always observes the details of my surroundings – but I needed the STOP method to be able to function at work and in social situations. I don’t need it as much anymore. Like you, I am stronger now and much more in control again.

      Thank you. I think you’ve given NM a lot to think about in terms of finding ways to regain her life and sense of self.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  4. junebug says:

    The idea of having to play a mind game, at this point, just ticks me off further. Here I am having to refigure my life because of the actions of my husband. It feels like one more thing *I* get to do. So far I exercise and walk. I’d really like to be throwing things. (where is that blushing smilie when I need one?)

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Junebug – that’s exactly how I felt at 5 months out. Maybe you won’t need it, but I think I was at about a year out when I started to feel the need to get control over my mind again. Some people regain control quite naturally, but I didn’t. Most people need some sort of method.

      When I first read that I needed to train myself not to focus on the affair anymore, I was incredulous. Just like you said, it was just one more thing that I was expected to do.

      I did throw “things” for a while. I’m kind of embarrassed to say it, but I enlarged a photo of his OW and tacked it onto a dartboard, and went at it for about an hour. Then I felt bad about it and took her picture down but I kept throwing darts for several months. I also burned a copy of all their emails very ceremoniously, and flushed the ashes down the toilet. (I still had five more copies. Over the two years since Dday, I have gotten rid of them one by one, and now have one left. I have put it away where I don’t see it.)

      I took the clothes he had worn in pictures of them together and threw them away. Since he was trying to impress her whenever he saw her, they were his best clothes, but too bad. I used so much force on the trash bags that I stretched them very thin. There was a hoodie she gave him and an office calendar, and I ripped those to shreds, too. He never said a word about any of it, though he was clearly shocked at the way I lashed out. As I was ripping up the calendar, I remember saying to him, “This is what I should be doing to you!”

      Sounds like a wild woman… never before nor since have I ever been physical about my anger. I raged in a way that scared me as well as him.

      These things all helped release my anger. But as far as being able to deal with the meltdowns that occurred with triggers that seemed to crop up everywhere, learning to distract my mind was necessary.

      Wishing you a good and peaceful day –
      DJ

      • junebug says:

        Your actions don’t sound like a wild woman at all….
        There’s a reason I have new dinner plates!
        Thank you for your thoughts on distracting my mind. Someday hopefully. Holiday triggers coming up and I can tell it is going to be a hard couple of months. Oiy-

      • Not Over It says:

        Hehe – new plates, huh? I’m grinning… good for you!
        Definitely, Junebug – you can’t be expected to push any dark thoughts away right now. I’d say I was a good year out before I even started trying, and it took a while. It’s still not perfect. Right now I’m fighting with resentments. I’ll post about it in just a little while…

  5. serenityluv1 says:

    I wish I had answers for you.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Serenity – I know. I think you are doing some things without even realizing it, just in order to cope with life.

      I have so often wished it would all just go away – that I would wake up and realize it was just a nightmare. But my husband is the one having nightmares…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  6. I have a series about this called “Redirecting & Reprogamming Thoughts and Beliefs”
    In it I review Affirmations
    http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=91
    Meditation (in two parts)
    http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=164
    http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=178
    Hypnosis
    http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=190
    And
    Creative Visualization.
    http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=261

    But tryingtoowife is right. Sometimes you have to accept the thoughts and let them wash through you in order to release them. The challenge is when we cling to them—often bringing on analysis paralysis. Meditation taught me to accept my thoughts and gently sweep them away—I visualize a broom. If they blow back in, accept them again. Acceptance is key to the whole process of recovery.
    The STOP sign technique is a good one and it won’t work for everyone, but it may work for some who think it didn’t. How’s that? Because one of the important things about it—and affirmations—is that you say them and keep saying them even while you are not believing them. I actually did not use the STOP sign technique because I saw it as focusing on negation—to see the STOP sign I would the need to acknowledge what to STOP and that would actually do that opposite of stopping. But I know that it works for many and I like to think of the actual traffic sign as the tool rather than the word on its own. Focus on the sign rather than the message which may lead you back to not stopping.
    I’d started a weekly yoga practice about a month or two before Bomb Drop, so that helped. Then I started affirmations. I put in a lot of effort to write specific affirmations that were positive, present tense, specific and short. I then repeated them during yoga, while driving, just at home, at work, when exercising—though I admit I still don’t like running up hill even though I changed I love running uphill—but maybe I didn’t keep up the chant long enough! It was several months before I decided to switch to calling my husband Sweetheart from my MLCer or My h. But that was another deliberate affirmation. I didn’t use is as an adjective, but as his name—not to his face though! But he was not being a Sweetheart and I wanted to remind myself that Sweetheart was who he was—others used negative affirmations like peabrain, a$$hole, $!thead…and those negative labels make things worse, not better.
    Before he moved out the first time I started hypnotherapy and meditating regularly. Since sleep was difficult in those first weeks after Bomb Drop, it was meditation that gave me some rest—I meditated while in bed and that helped me get to sleep or at least rest a bit—I did this while Sweetheart did the edge of the bed cling or laid next to me like a board (also not sleeping).
    There were about two occasions in church where I floated. I would go early and sit in the pew and take myself into a meditation and prayer and one day I just felt this gap between me and the pew. It was exhilarating and I didn’t want to break it by opening my eyes.
    I eventually read Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain and began to use it in my meditations and just life. I focused on what I wanted and creative visualization was like a way to plan the what and the how and practice going through situations—such as practicing meetings with Sweetheart ahead of time.
    These helped bring me through and out of the initial Panic & Anxiety and helped me survive through the 3.5 year crisis. But they aren’t miracle cures. I had did them when it felt like they weren’t working and sometimes I felt they were working and then not working again. I don’t think I’ve floated during a meditation since 2005 or 2006, but that isn’t going to stop me from meditating and floating is not the goal. Sometimes I felt nothing, sometimes I felt peace, sometimes I felt Knowings—messages. Persistence and faith are important.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi RCR – terrific stuff! Junebug and NM will probably balk at reprogramming their minds, but I notice that all of us who are old-timers here have used some sort of technique. Yours are very well thought-out. I appreciate you taking the time to share them here.

      I do recommend that everyone take a look at RCR’s information. She was going through her own roller coaster ride when I first “met” her on Emotional Affair Journey. She has overcome much and is now sharing her journey with others.

      Thank you, RCR.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  7. Liberty says:

    Hi. I am not at the reprogramming yet. Maybe soon! What makes me so angry is that I used to love my hot yoga class on Sunday afternoons. It was my recharge and get ready for my week. Well, that’s when H would call and talk. Now I just dont want to go. I feel like I have l lost so much that I am just so angry. At him and myself. At myself for not having the courage to change things now. At him for making me doubt myself so much.
    Oh well, another weekend. Hope I can have a peaceful one 🙂

    Take care. Liberty

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Liberty – that one is familiar, too. The only reason I was able to be so active at my fitness club is that my husband is also an instructor there. I still get a little squeeze of anxiety at doing things that cause him to be alone, especially alone at his office. Sometimes I just swallow hard and do it anyway. Sometimes I succumb and don’t do it. Just depends on the day… and I get stronger a little bit at a time.

      My husband used to go to his office and call her after exercise. That was originally why I joined extra classes there – the same ones he was in. But then I got really into it and now I am an instructor, too.

      You are doing great, Liberty. Be kind to yourself and let yourself heal as you are able.

      Hope your weekend is everything you want it to be.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

    • junebug says:

      Liberty, your comment about doubting yourself is so true for me. One of the comments I made to my spouse is that I doubt my very worth because of him. Not a good place to be. 😦 I just sent my spouse and daughter off for the day and it’s hard because the place they are going is one of the places where alot of texting/calling used to happen. I’ll be checking the phone bill later. Hope you are able to have a good weekend.

  8. maxine6 says:

    To DJ and all who have responded here. How do you push away thoughts of your husbands, supposedly EA that happened 28 yrs. ago and have all come back full force? I’ve been dealing with it for a year now and they are getting worse as I’ve confronted him with the questions of his 3 yrs. A that I never got answers to. He feels that we should just move on, I should not be thinking about it, even though he has treated me not very nice the past 4 yrs., with the last one being the worse, due to my bringing up the past and he feels that I shouldn’t be. I want the truth of those 3 yrs. and I know that I don’t have it and I keep going over all the details in my head, trying to put the peaces together and they don’t add up. I am going to have him take another polygraph test as he failed the first two 25 yrs. ago and the examiner wasn’t the best one around. I will find the best this time and if he refuses to do it then I’m out of here. He swears they didn’t have sex, but yet he went off on two weekends with her in that 3 yr. period. We had never been with anyone else, got married at 18 and he says that would have been crossing the line for him. I say sleeping in bed with her was more than I could handle and I don’t believe him. I’m tired of living with not knowing the truth, him not telling me how deep his feelings were for her and his constant comment of not remembering things. We’ve been married 51 yrs. and this past yr. has been hell. I can’t get her or what he did by betraying me off my mind. I don’t know if I love him anymore and sometimes can’t even stand the sight of him. I loved him so much and never dreamed that he would ever cheat on me. I thought, like our friends, that we had a wonderful marriage, even though he drank to much at social events. That’s how it started with her also and she worked at his office. Anyway, point being, he says that I am obsessing, my 2 daughter’s say the same thing and I don’t agree, plus it’s none of their business, but he brought them into the picture. So, now I’m being accused of breaking up the family if we separate and that’s a good possibility. I just don’t want to do it before Christmas due to the 3 grandchildren coming home. But things are so bad at home and I still haven’t found the right counselor. Please, any advice would be so welcome.

    maxine6

    • Broken Joan says:

      If u read this I am so sorry, that probably doesn’t help much. I am responding to you because you are the first affair letter I have read about someone around my age going thru this. I only found out 5 months ago my husband of 47 years has been having an affair with a woman he met online. It lasted over a year before I caught him. It has devastated our whole family. We have 3 children and 2 grandsons. Like so many others I never dreamed my husband would ever do something so hurtful. I have known him since I was 15. To say this is the lowest point of my life would be an understatement, but I don’t know what else to say. I am questioning everything about our lives together now, was it all a lie? He says not, but then again I did just find out what a liar he is. The only word I can think to describe myself right now is BROKEN!!! I would greatly appreciate any advice or words of encouragement from any other woman going thru this, because truly you are the only ones who know the utter despair I am feeling. I think I am pass my suicide phase and am now entering the what do I do now phase. Would you or someone else please reach out a helping hand. I am so distraught and don’t know where to turn.

      • DJ says:

        Dear Broken Joan – Maxine has not commented since the above comment, and SHAPE is trying to wean herself away, too. But I’m still here and I’m no spring chicken, either! I hope you don’t mind.

        Sometimes I’d like to take these cheaters out and give ’em a swift kick in the butt. My heart hurts for you. This is supposed to be a fun time of life for you now, but instead you are facing the greatest pain that a person can inflict on his spouse.

        I know the pain is awful. At five months after discovery, I was still a mess. It sounds like he is still with you – is that right? Is he willing to read and do the right things to help you recover?

        And how about you? How are you coping? Have you read a lot? Have you been to counseling?

        What you do now is something only you can answer. Each of us has to make that decision for ourselves individually. Can you live with it? That’s a hard question. It’s one that I still grapple with after more than two years. But whichever way you are leaning and whatever decisions you make, our community of survivors and thrivers are here to support you and each other. Welcome.

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

      • maxine6 says:

        DJ,
        I just responded to Broken Joan,
        I just saw her message and it’s so sad to read. I can sure relate to her. I didn’t see it as it’s been such a bad week for me as things are falling apart even more. I’m also on another site and forget sometimes which one I’m on. I hope that I have helped her, but appreciate all that you said to her.

        Thanks,
        maxine6

      • Leise-Falyon says:

        Five months after I found out I was still numb. Numb and sooo angry. I was worried if I ever saw the woman in public, I would end up in jail. I just kept seeing myself slamming her head into the ground over and over again. I wanted to spray paint ‘whore’ across her garage.

        Everything you feel is normal. Don’t judge yourself for anything. Just keep remembering that there is always light somewhere at the end of the tunnel and there is always a very good lesson in everything that happens to us.

        It has been 4 years and 2 months since D-Day and I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Every year I would notice that I was happy a little longer each day. And then slowly I noticed that there were several days in a row that I was happy. Those happy days became longer and longer.

        Last Monday I was working on a video for my blog about being betrayed by my best-friend and I found myself laughing with the film crew. I was at the exact location where it all started and I was laughing, and laughing and laughing. There is life after betrayal, there is love, there is happiness. And the last thing you should ever believe is that this world could ever be better off without you in it.

        Please contact me whenever you need to feel heard,
        Leise-Falyon ( leisetalks.wordpress.com )

    • Broken Joan says:

      Dear Maxine, if you see this I hope you are okay, well as okay as you can be in the situation you are in. The last time we talked you were going to your daughters’ for breakfast. I hope things went well that day with your grandsons. I have just been moving thru each day minute by painful minute, saying to myself when will this ever end, and if it doesn’t what do I do with the rest of my so called life.
      Take care, broken joan

      • maxine6 says:

        Hi BROKEN JOAN,
        I can’t write much tonight, it’s been a rough few days, very bad arguments and I am so very tired and just want to run away. I almost left after getting up from a short nap ( get tired more easily now due to the stress) and when I walked into his office, I found him on my personal e-mail site where I post about infidelity. It’s a different one than this, called “Talk About Marriage” another good helpful site. First he tried to hide what he was looking at, then he lied that he was doing that, then he said that I didn’t have a right to be talking about him to other people, etc. I was so livid, you wouldn’t believe all the things that I said. I was so angry that he did that behind my back and then lied about it. I then found out this morning that he had been on it before, which he told me. But we got into another argument after that, as he wasn’t specific enough. He led me to believe that he had only been on it twice, then it was three times. Then he got mad because I was being so specific about how many times, he said that shouldn’t matter. What he did should matter and he did come in and tell me and then I turned it around and made an argument out of it???? As usual, he turns it around and blames it all on me. We then argued about something else, then told me that I was just like my late Mother, which he means, never gets over anything. I was ready to blow up after that.

        I can’t tell you how sick I am of all of this, I want to run away somewhere. I was having chest and arm pains last night again, so I took some aspirin. I then had a doctor appointment with my Gyn. My blood pressure was a little high for me.

        Then he tries to make up for it later, like this afternoon. I am going to try and focus on finding a therapist and Polygraph Examiner tomorrow.
        I can’t keep living this way, I’ve lost most of my hair and my Endro doctor thinks it’s more from stress, I don’t agree.

        On a happier note, it was wonderful to see my 3 grandson’s. I didn’t tell you but we had a real scare at Christmas. One of the twins, had a lump and it turned out to be testicular cancer. He’s 24, almost 25 in March. He had only told his identical twin brother before Christmas as it happened a month before when they were in Law School. I don’t know how they could have focused on exams. Anyway, it scared the whole family, He had the surgery 3 days after getting home, where they took the testicle out for a biopsy and put in a prothesis. We had to wait for 2 weeks to see if the cancer had spread to other organs or had gotten into his lymph nodes. We were all scared to death and he went through a lot of pain after the surgery. Thank God, it at this point is self contained. He will have to do Scans, blood work, etc. every six months for over 3 yrs. I didn’t think he looked well this weekend, pale and had lost weight. I didn’t ask as they never like anyone to be negative about things. Then two days after his surgery, his twin brother and other brother, almost 21 were playing football at a park. They were also drinking beer, all of age, except my young grandson who was about 2 weeks away from 21. They were not drunk or anything, but he decided to take his truck and go in circles with it, he the outdoor grandson and loves his truck. Well he lost control of it, it rolled and landed on top and was totaled. He had a few bumps, bruises and had to crawl out the back window. He was so lucky that he didn’t get killed and his older brother couldn’t do anything about it. He had to call his parents, the police came and this one had to be an angel from God. They are all real good young men, just doing what 21 yr. old’s do, but they could have arrested him from drinking (2 weeks from 21st. birthday) and reckless driving and took him to jail. The cop told all the young men, they were 21 to 27 to leave right away, pick up the beer cans and go. They even made the older brother to leave and he didn’t want to leave his brother who got hurt in the totaled truck, but he told him if you don’t you could be arrested for being at the scene. He did, thank God, he’s getting ready to graduate from Law School. He only wanted my “not so smart” grandson there, along with his parents. He talked to only them, didn’t give him a ticket either, but really talked to him. Him seeing his $4500 truck, that is his transportation to college is no more. He will be riding a bicycle for the next 6 months till he can buy his own truck. So, he learned a very powerful lesson. Not a good Christmas for him either.

        My point of this whole story was to take your mind off of what you and I are dealing with for a moment. My grandson, with the cancer, it hadn’t spread, his brother didn’t get arrested which would have affected him for the rest of his life in getting a job after college. So God was looking out for both of them. I just pray that Brendan, the one twin with the cancer stays free of it. It can spread to the other side and his brothers also have to be careful as it’s genetic. My daughter that is so cold to me, their Mom actually lost it after the truck accident. It was hard enough with the twin’s cancer, she was a basket case, but kept trying to stay positive, so she didn’t want anyone talking about it. At least he didn’t have to have chemo, as we were wondering what he would have done in Law school during his last semester? Sorry, I didn’t mean for this to be so long. I feel like I should just delete it, as it doesn’t apply to this site. It does cause all of this stress to me, along with all the stuff at home. It seemed better when that was going on as my husband and I were all so scared about the cancer, that the other didn’t even seem important.

        I’m so sorry, I got off track. It was hard to write about my problems with my marriage tonight as I am so scared that I’m not going to ever get over what he did, even 25 yrs. later. I am so tired, he’s still a liar just like he did the other night. I am now thinking that he might not have had sex with her, but only because he wasn’t able to perform. I yelled that out at him during the confrontation the other night and he didn’t say anything. Their will definitely be a Polygraph.

        I meant to tell you that your name is what I had always wished that Mom had named me, Joan. So, until tomorrow, hang in there and I’ll be back in touch, hopefully tomorrow.

        Blessings, maxine6

      • Broken Joan says:

        Dear Maxine, I hope everything will work out for your grandson, he is so young and has his whole life ahead of him. I didn’t mind at all that you were telling me about him. I’m here to talk about whatever you would like to talk about.
        It strikes me as kind of ironic your husband is upset because you want to talk with other people about his affair, doesn’t he realize if he had been truthful with you all of those years ago things might be a lot better today. Even if you had left him at that time, you would have moved on by now. I know we will never forget, but we each have to decide on our own if we would be better off with or without him. Not so easy to do, and I don’t know how long it will take me to get to my “holding on place.” And do I even want to hold on once I get there, only time will tell, as each of us walk thru this hell that has become our lives.
        Just like you things are up and down at my house, sometimes we are talking, other times I am so angry and hurt that I am screaming every nasty thing I can think to say to him and enjoying every minute of it. And as for the OW, I don’t think there’s enough filthy names in this world to describe her. What kind of woman deliberately screws a man she knows is married! Of course that goes two ways what kind of husband screws someone else while he knows he is married.
        I was talking to Leise on another site and she told me something her husband said that is so true,”women sleep with men they fall in love with, but men fall in love with women they sleep with.” That was certainly true in regards to my husband, he totally forgot I even existed as long as he was with her.
        Try to hang in there, will talk whenever you want, I know it helps me to talk to you and I hope it eases your pain a little bit to talk to me.
        Thank you for being a new friend that I have in my life. My best to you,broken Joan.

  9. Teresa says:

    Maxine6…..you can’t push away the thoughts….plain and simple! My H had an EA that started back in Sept. 2010 and lasted until I found out on Jan. 1, 2011….and on top of that, while stationed overseas 25 yrs ago, he had an EA then too!

    I brushed that one aside, since EA’s had no name back then, and the OW was just a name to me, since it happened thousands of miles a way…..well, I GUESS you can say I brushed it aside, if you don’t count the panic attacks and depression that I went through, 1 1/2 yrs after I found out!
    I ended up being put on meds for the panic attacks, having a lot of not so fun tests done, because I had such extreme “symptons” I was experiencing…and I ended up seeing a counselor for a few months…I don’t remember what we talked about, but I do know my H’s affair did come up…but instead of the counselor dealing with HIM and why he did this, the focus was on me, and why I was depressed!
    Looking back now, I think to myself, “Well, DUH, your H had a EA, possibly a PA” no WONDER I was depressed!!
    My H swears it wasn’t a PA, but he WAS thousands of miles from home, no accountability….has admitted holding her hand and a chaste kiss on the cheek a couple of times….righhhtttt!!! Would you believe that?
    So anyway, I wrote all that because when his current EA came to light, not only did I have to deal with THAT, I had to go back 25 yrs and delve into THAT EA because it was all buried under the rug, I really had NO clear answers…I was a mess for quite awhile while trying to get answers out of him!
    My H couldn’t remember details, and I wanted details, baby!! Led to quite a few arguments, let me tell you!!
    It’s so sad that these husbands of ours think they can have their “fun” and then when they get caught, can just say “Im sorry”….and then walk away like nothing happened and get back on with life!!
    Do they REALLY have such little respect for us??

    • maxine6 says:

      Teresa,
      I feel for you, none of it’s fair and mine would not have come back 3 yrs. ago if he hadn’t started treating me differently all of a sudden. I know a lot of things contributed to it, stock market, daughter owing us $10,000 and not paying it back which really made him mad. Drinking 3 glass’s of wine every night and anger issues over everything, including my back going out and having issues when we did travel. He had no patience with anything and then wasn’t loving me but about every 3 months. I felt unloved, neglected, he was taking a shower to work out, so my mind went back to the 1st. Affair, now that I knew the symptoms. I copied phone numbers, etc. He wasn’t having one, but I sure didn’t feel any better when he was treating me so badly. Then it all came back to me and I questioned why did I stay married to him for another 25 yrs. only to have a husband like this. I so wished that I had divorced him after the A when I was only 40, not at the age I am now, which is 69, YUK! I don’t like my life, like you, it’s all come back and I feel the same way that you do, he’s not telling me the truth and I can’t let it go and I don’t care if it’s 25 yrs. ago. He’s fed up with the questions he never answered years ago and I’m angry that he won’t be honest and just tell me what happened those 3 yrs.

      I like you suffered from severe panic attacks and am having them really bad again. Back then, they had to put me in a research program to try and figure out how to stop them. I had never had them before, but the stress was more than I could bear. I also had a stage 3 Melanoma surgery 6 weeks after finding out about the affair and a total hysterectomy 18 months later, due to stress. Our daughter at 16 left home and moved in with her boyfriend due to the tension in our home, which I had just designed, custom built and was only there for 2 months when I found out about the affair from the OW husband. Such a sad time after all the work I had done and it was our dream home, but it turned out to be a “haunted house of nightmares!” The same daughter got married young, got pregnant, divorced in one year and never went to college like her siblings until she was in her late 30’s. She’s now 40 and has had a difficult life and it has a lot to do with what her Dad did, but yet, he never takes any responsibility for it.

      We moved, I designed another house and have been in it almost 20 yrs. and now the last 4 have been hell. Life shouldn’t be like this for either one of us. My counselor also should have focused more on him, but he wasn’t cooperating with her either. Those questions were never answered or pursued until he would give up and come up with some kind of reason. So now he’s mad that he’s having to deal with all this 25 yrs. later, to bad, he should have addressed it back then.

      Not sure how all this is going to end. I just know that it won’t get out of my head and I hate going on more medication to accomplish that. I take Klonopin and Wellbutrin now to help me, but it’s not working. I hope that you find some kind of peace, we both deserve it.

      maxine6

    • maxine6 says:

      Teresa,
      Did you ever get any answers to some of the questions that you wanted to know? I can’t believe that their is so much that they forget, like my H can’t even remember the night that I got the letter telling me about it or the date? Not even the house we lived in, but he remembers sleeping on the floor outside the guest room so that I wouldn’t leave in the middle of the night. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. He can’t remember where he was when he first kissed her for the first time? Here we had been married for 25 yrs. and we had never been with any other person and he can’t remember his first kiss with the other woman? I get sick to my stomach even thinking about it, but he thinks it wasn’t so bad as it wasn’t a sexual kiss. I tried to explain to him, that when we started going together that he gave me the most loving kiss, not overly sexual but sweet and caring. He doesn’t get it, that he probably did the same thing with her and that shows caring for someone. You don’t have to cram your tongue down someone’s throat for a sexual kiss to mean more than a sweet, meaningful one. He just doesn’t get it and I give up trying to explain. Him not wanting to explain what happened and what he did with her is just killing me and I don’t believe that he can’t remember more to tell me about it, so that I can get some peace of mind.

      maxine6

  10. […] says: December 1, 2012 at 7:47 am  […]

    • maxine6 says:

      I don’t think time heals, it just dulls the pain a little better. The only thing that gets a little better is the triggers don’t come as often and you can look at your BS without wanting to kill him for the pain he has caused you. Now I’m back into the stage where I don’t even want to look at him and it’s 25 yrs. later. I guess when you don’t get answers you never get totally over it.

      I’ll share one thing that I did to get rid of my anger, actually their were a couple of things.
      During the affair he didn’t seem to be quite as interested in sex as he usually was, so I started buying even more sexy things to entice him. I had always dressed sexy anyway with short gowns, etc., but now I got the expensive Victoria Secret things, with his money of course. I would even lay a couple outfits on the bed and ask him which one would he like me to wear that night when we were going to make love?

      Fast forward to after D-day and a year later. I got so mad one night after thinking that I had bought all those sexy things to get my CS interested in me, not knowing his mind was elsewhere. I took all the sexy underwear, about $400 worth and slowly threw each one in our fireplace and burnt it. He came in and asked what I was doing and I told him, I didn’t want to feel that I had been wearing these outfits while he had been seeing her, so I burned them. It sure felt good. I also threw a flower pot at him one time when he said something I didn’t like.

      The other thing was, on the 1 yr. anniversary of D-day, I ordered a dozen BLACK long stem roses from the florist, who then delivered them to her large place of work with a note, reminding her what a slut she was and felt she should be remembered on this day. She was mortified as they carried them through her office and put them on her desk. I did get a call from her boyfriend the next morning, thought he was going to call my H’s office or something, but it was worth it and oh yea, I charged them to my H’s account. He was floored when he heard what I did. Revenge can sure make you feel good sometimes, but I would still rather none of it had happened and be happy and in love.

      maxine6

  11. SHAPE says:

    I like the STOP technique and will try using it. I think probably different things work at different times. I also have used the “just let the thoughts come and allow myself to feel them” technique. At those times, it is therapeutic for me to cry if that is what I need to do. Seems like the STOP technique would be a good one to use in public. My triggers still come too frequently, and I am on such high alert if there is anything unusual or if I think my husband is acting distant, when, in truth, he probably is just worried about doing well in his new job.

    I am also trying to be more active in doing things without my husband, something that is very difficult, as I only really feel “safe” when I am home at the same time he is.
    To this end, I went to the Rockaway Beach area of New York where Hurricane Sandy did so much damage for a week over Thanksgiving. I was with a group of people who helped serve meals to policemen and residents of that area who had no gas or electricity. It was a wonderful experience and focusing on the needs of others helped me forget for awhile my own pain.

    But once home, I am back with the triggers again. My D-Day comes up Dec. 20 (2 years), and while I am better, I still have so many unanswered questions. It is still hard for me to bring the subject up with my husband. I wish so much he would ask how I am doing rather than my being the one who has to tell him. He is doing some things, but there is so much more. I still have so much distrust.
    Better use that STOP technique right now!

    • Not Over It says:

      You’ve had a major blow very recently, SHAPE. It’s like starting all over again. I’ve had a few of those blows, too, and I know it puts you back at the starting gate. If only they understood what these things do to a person who has been betrayed.

      But even though you are starting all over again, at least this time you already know a ton of stuff about the journey and it won’t take as long to regain your footing.

      The STOP technique is really only for times when you must keep functioning. Sitting with the pain and facing it for a few minutes is a better way of dealing with it, but sometimes it’s just not possible.

      The technique just makes it possible for me to live normally and get things done. Before learning it, I was not living a normal life.

      It does, however, take some time. As I said, at the beginning it was hard. I almost gave up. Then Foolish Woman wrote that it worked for her, so I kept at it. I am now pretty good at it. Right now, I am alone and it’s not working. I have a lot of anxiety due to several major triggers. I’ll write more on that later.

      You are doing great, SHAPE. I admire the grace with which you handle things.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

    • maxine6 says:

      Shape,
      I am so proud of you for what you did to help the people that suffered through Sandy. I would have liked to do the same thing, but my back pain wouldn’t have allowed it. But I do need to volunteer to get my mind off of my issues with my husband that has come back 25 yrs. later. I need to find a new psychiatrist to help me and tell me if I need medication to get out of the anxiety and depression. It’s even hard to get out of the house sometimes and I am so unhappy.

      But I’m sorry, this is about you and your pain. Sometimes my brain gets so rattled I forget what I am writing.

      I do have an important suggestion for you. My husband wouldn’t tell me anything after I was told about the affair by the OW husband. I had to actually meet with the OW twice and also talked to her on the phone numerous times. That was so hard and if he had truly loved me, why didn’t he answer my questions. I still don’t think I know the truth. I am having him now take another Polygraph test with a very qualified Examiner this time. I’ve got to find an answer as it’s causing me PTSD or something similar to it. I am praying that this test tell’s me if they had sex or not or if he tried and wasn’t able to perform. If either of those things happened, that’s it for me. I had said that 25 yrs. ago, never got the truth and if I find out that he’s been having sex with me for 25 yrs. under a lie, I will be so hurt and also humiliated that he used me in that way.

      You need to insist on answer’s or tell him that he needs to move until he can find out the answers to the questions you need. Why are you scared to ask him the questions about what happened? As I have read and been through and it’s all over this forum, things that aren’t talked about and shoved under a rug will come back and haunt you years later. I would hate to see that happen to you, so please think about insisting on answers, he owes you that.

      Best of luck & Blessings,
      maxine6

  12. Rodion says:

    Personally, I’ve been doing self-hypnosis for several months and have found it tremendously helpful. The company I get my sessions from (as mp3 downloads) has been around quite a while and has over 800 different sessions. I’ve seen major changes in myself happen very quickly, although it does take repeated exposure (1-2 weeks, every day, at least) to get really enduring changes. I’ll put a couple of links below:
    Hypnosis Downloads
    Stop Negative Thinking

    I’ve recommended these to quite a number of people and most have found it very helpful. I don’t have the session on negative thinking, because I’m not plagued with those kinds of thoughts, but I have at least a couple dozen others. I’ve written about this on my blog in various places as well.

  13. maxine6 says:

    Rodion,
    Thanks for the advice on self-hypnosis, maybe it will help me. I tried 25 yrs. ago with a hypnotist three times, but he could never get me to go under, so it was a big waste of money. I am having a horrible time now with everything coming back to me about the affair that happened 25 yrs. ago, so maybe it will help me. I’ll check into it, thanks a lot.

    Thanks,
    maxine6

  14. Joan says:

    Dear DJ, Thank u so much for replying to the message I left for Maxine I didn’t mind at all. I was like a kid at Xmas when I saw my 2 messages. My husband is back home right now and is in counseling, he says he will do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I have to be truthful that doesn’t seem to be my concern right now. I am still mad as hell right now and am just trying to get thru each day. I don’t know what I will do from one day to the next, I now live minute to minute. That seems to be the only amount of time I can handle right now. I am just trying to survive as best I can right now. I think I am pass wanting to kill myself, but not pass wishing I could go to sleep and not wake up. Only 5 months have passed and I feel so tired already. You are right this should be the happiest time of our lives but sadly it was not meant to be. Our little granddaughter will be born the end of march and this affair has took the joy of even that away from me. I still wake up every morning and then remember oh that wasn’t a nightmare this is now my life. Please stay with me I need the help. Broken Joan

  15. Joan says:

    Dear Maxine, thank u so much for your words of encouragement. Even thought u r in so much pain u still tried to make me feel better. Yes my husband is back home now, but I did make him leave when I found out 5 months ago. He is in counseling and seems to be very remorseful for the pain he has caused me and our 3 children. I don’t know from one day to the next when I may kick him out again. Like your husband I have had to drag out any details and I just found out a few days ago he has still been withholding info. He says he just doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. I told him I don’t care, how much more can I be hurt, unlike your situation thanks to the magic of computers I read all the loving romantic things he said to her. I think he told her he loved her more times in that year and 3 months than he told me in the 47 years we have been married. I believe you ask me if they slept together and yes it was a sexual and emotional affair. He actually told me he thought he was in love with her. During that year I knew something was going on, me and our daughter both confronted him with our suspicions, but he lied to us, got angry and virtually said to butt out. So I dropped it, that was my biggest mistake trusting him. But he had always been a wonderful husband and father and none of our friends or neighbors can believe he did this. I looked at him today and said how could u hurt me like this. He always says I don’t know what I was thinking I just went crazy. She was 20 years younger, he said she made him feel 16 again. He has since told me he was afraid of growing old. He had so much crap in his head that wasn’t true but instead of talking to me about it, he said he found it easier to talk to her. Of course like every OW, she puffed up his ego and kissed all his boo boos, and probably everything else while she was at it. The deal breaker for me will more than likely be the emotional part of the affair and him not willingly leaving her until I caught him. I still hardly sleep, I have lost 25 lbs. I was always small and now weigh 105 lbs. I have been on Paxil, but it made me feel like a zombie so I quit taking it after a month. Like I told DJ I don’t know what I am going to do. I wish I knew what to say to you, I do feel he should have told u every detail u wanted to know. Keeping things from u now and then only kept u from healing and moving on. I think u have been more than patient and deserve the whole truth. Please keep in touch and let me know what happens. Thank u again I will be thinking about u and hoping for the best. Your friend, broken Joan.

    • maxine6 says:

      Joan, it’s very late and I have to get up early in the morning to go to my daughter’s house for breakfast as my 3 college and grad school grandson’s have come home for the weekend. She’s invited us to breakfast which only happens when our grandson’s come home. We definitely have our issues with our oldest daughter and she doesn’t want to discuss it or iron whatever they are out. It’s sad, she lives 10 minutes’s away and never comes to our home. I don’t drop by her’s very often as I never feel welcome. Our twin grandson’s who are graduating from Law school this May are so special to us. They were born 4 months after I found out about the affair and were my salvation. I don’t think we would still be married if it hadn’t been for the happiness they brought into my life. By the way, you mentioned a new granddaughter was going to be born the end of March. That’s when the twin’s I mentioned above were born on Mar. 31st. It was funny, as one of the twins, told his Aunt that she couldn’t have her baby on his birthday as he already had to share it with his identical twin brother, so she was born on Mar. 30th. So, who knows, your granddaughter could be born on one of those days.

      Yes, my time both before and after my first grandchildren were born were both good and bad for me. I couldn’t always be there for my daughter, nor even afterwards as some day’s I couldn’t even function.

      I’m glad that I said something that might have helped you. Their is no greater pain than being cheated on and even 25 yrs. later, my H doesn’t get the depth of the pain he has caused me and our children. The grandchildren don’t know, but if we separate they will be devastated by the news. They love both of us so much, all 7 of them and the older one’s won’t know how to handle it. I sure wouldn’t tell them, but they might guess and I sure won’t lie if they ask me.

      Anyway, got to get to bed. Will be in touch tomorrow or the next day. Please hang in there and I’ll be back to try and help.

      God Bless & Hugs,
      maxine6

      • Joan says:

        Maxine, I just read your message this morning. You don’t have to say anything specific just chatting with someone in a similar situation helps so much. It could just be in my mind, but I have been upset since this happened with 2 of my 3 children because I would tell them u r taking your dads’ side. If I was in a sound state of mind I wouldn’t think that. But who of us in this position are in their right mind, certainly not me.
        Our youngest son, the one expecting his first child, our little granddaughter, is taking it the hardest. The other two, our oldest son and our daughter, who is the youngest child and also the mother of our 2 little grandsons, seem to be giving dear old dad the benefit of a doubt. I am really surprised where my daughter is concerned because 3 years after she was married her husband cheated on her. That was 8 years ago, they r still together and seem to be happy, but when she found out about her dad it brought her husbands’ affair to light again and she told me she threw it up to him again. So is it really ever over, I think not. Look at u 25 years later, my heart breaks for you. Did some trigger bring it up again for you or just thinking your husband was not completely honest with you about his affair.
        Right now, everything is a trigger for me I only have to see a 40 something woman with brown hair and I’m off again. His OW is not married, but she knew he was and she didn’t care. She told him she liked older men and him being married didn’t seem to matter. He bought her flowers twice and Jewelry once, or so he says. Like I told him it wasn’t the money, it was the thought he put behind each gift he bought her.
        I have always been a woman of my generation, I can’t believe a woman would do some of the things she did on the computer with my husband. The computer made it so easy for them when they could not be together in person. Web cam sex, and she sent him dozens of pictures and she was nude in a lot of them. The things they said to each other, my husband never talked to me like that and nor would I want him to. I think what happened to the sweet shy man I met when we were both still in high school. Just like you and your husband we met each other so young, we were virgins when we got married. He said, what she did especially on the computer drove him crazy, his words, he had never seen a woman do things like that before. My husband I have found out is easily manipulated by a woman freely giving sex and telling him that he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. His ego was being inflated and he loved it. They were constantly in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, something as you probably know has faded after 47 years. And I’m sorry it makes me extremely mad that I would have to virtually kiss his ass and never be able to refuse to have sex with him just to keep him from going to someone else. Sorry I’m venting again! I can’t seem to stop myself from saying some of the most outlandish things to him, about him and his girlfriend, and I do use that term to describe her very loosely, I have called her much worse. As a matter of fact I told a very close friend of mine I have never said so many curse words in my life and I found out 2 middle fingers just aren’t enough!!! What’s a girl to do.
        Thanks for letting me rant to you, it helps so much. I hope your time with your grandsons will be a happy time and get this misery off your mind for awhile. Focus on yourself right now, your daughter like mine is a grown woman, for once let’s be selfish and let them deal with their own issues, we have enough of our own.
        I feel I have found a friend thru our shared agony. Let me help you in any way I can. Take care till we talk again. Broken Joan

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