My marriage coach, Coach James, is always guiding me towards deeper understanding of where I am in my healing and where I want to go. I am a stubborn mule at times and at other times I am a sponge for new ideas – as it is with all of us, I guess. Coach James is patient but always pushes me to think things through. The other day he wrote this:
“So here’s an interesting thought. Some theories say that pain must be bled out. Others say that at some point, rehearsing old pain keeps the ghosts close. After all this time, what do you think?”
Yes, James, I am probably your longest running patient in online coaching history – Lol – but I could write a whole book on just this topic. Should I call it “He’s All In Me, Too?” (Reference to the name of General Petraeus’ affair partner’s biography of Petraeus: “All In.” SHAPE and I think that’s just hilarious.)
Of course, we know that Coach James, as my favorite expert in the field, has his own opinion on the subject, but this is how he keeps me thinking and moving forward. He gently asks me to think about things. I love it.
My husband firmly believes that all this blogging and writing to Coach James is keeping me close to the pain. He is always after me to just stop it all. I refuse, but I also go to some lengths not to blog in front of him. It seems that it keeps him close to the pain just to see me blogging about the pain he caused. But that’s his personality. He is not communicative and to him, sharing his pain with others just keeps it at the forefront. He wants to bury it and not think about it.
I have read many times where bloggers or readers feel they need time away from sites where newbies frequent, or from infidelity blogs altogether. Reading the fresh, raw pain of a newbie is often difficult for us old-timers. It brings the pain up close and personal again. Does it bring it too close so that we can’t let it go?
And yet we all know that we have gotten great comfort and peace from sharing with others here. We understand each other like no one else can. I have moved forward by leaps and bounds through the relationships we have all forged here. I would not have made it this far without each and every one of you.
But researchers and experts tend to fall into believing it’s one way or the other. Which is it?
I’d like to hear what you think. Are we “bleeding the pain out” by sharing and talking over time? Does it really help? Or is it better not to “rehearse the pain” and keep it at the forefront of our minds by talking and sharing about it? I’ll voice my own opinion along with you in the comment section.