General Petraeus cheated

This morning’s news included a story on General Petraeus.  He is stepping down from his position as Director of the CIA because the FBI discovered that he had an extramarital affair.

My husband and I both got up early, before his alarm went off and we were just getting started on some hot and heavy fun when his alarm went off.  It was set to NPR, his favorite station, and the piece about Petraeus came on just a few seconds after.  I did ok at first, not letting it bother me… until they said that the FBI had found hundreds, if not thousands, of emails between him and his other woman.  That did it.  The mind movies started in and I couldn’t stop them.  I cried and couldn’t go on.  My husband muttered something about wishing he had stopped long enough to go turn off his alarm.  Too late.

I’m ok now and we did finish what we started later in the morning, and it was wonderful, but I just needed to vent.  Some people fall too easily into the hole where they become nothing but weak shit, selfish, immature, narcissistic bastards.  I said it.  OK then.  I’m finished.  I can continue on with my weekend.

I hope he comes out of it.  I hope his wife is ok.  Man, I would hate for my husband’s infidelity to be all over the news…

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24 thoughts on “General Petraeus cheated

  1. SHAPE says:

    Saw this yesterday on the news while my husband was at a training session for his new part-time job. When he got home and we were relaxing on the couch (I was rubbing his feet – something he loves!), I mentioned this news item to him, and he said, “Men are so stupid”!
    Guess he counts himself in that company. My thoughts as I heard this news were for his wife and how hard it must be to have to see/hear this in every paper, FB post, TV, radio, etc., etc. And then I also read that Petraeus’ AP is married, too, with kids, of course. My son-in-law who is in the Navy, had his picture taken with the good general a few years ago – very nice picture. It’s in my picture computer files. I am tempted to discard it. Love my son-in-law, but detest what this general has done. Gees, I sure hope his time with the AP was worth it!

    • Not Over It says:

      Lol – funny! That’s exactly what my husband said after he turned off his alarm and rejoined me in bed. “Men are so stupid.” Then he apologized again. “I’m so sorry.”

      I asked, “Will you love only me from now on?”

      He said, “I have always loved only you.” I went silent. Wrong answer. He was just trying to placate me. But I decided not to push the issue and got up to get ready for exercise class.

      Gosh, yes, SHAPE – she will not be able to get away from the news of it. Poor thing.

      Hope you are doing well, SHAPE.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • Interesting how we want or need to hear different things. I felt his answer of always having loved only oyu was excellent. Alienators often are nothing to them–even when the cheating spouse things they are something. Sometimes it is that they come to realize what they thought was love was not and in some cases the betrayer knew it was not love.
        It’s better than reassuring by trying to say that it meant nothing, because to me that means the betrayer was deliberately using the alienator–sperm receptacle–or sex itself doesn’t mean anything. And if they say the latter, the betrayed posue may take that personally.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hey RCR – haven’t been ignoring you. I’ve been trying to put my thoughts into words during a crazy busy weekend… I’m sorry.

        First, I love your term for affair partners – alienators. Perfect!

        I am familiar with the model you are referring to concerning “affair love.” It makes a lot of sense for many affairs, maybe even most of them. But my husband’s affair was a rekindled first love and it lasted for six years. It even had its own phases, as other relationships do. A year later he admitted in counseling that he had really loved her. I don’t know… was he still in the fog? Since that counseling session he has never said that he did not love her. During the first year he maintained that he had never really loved her. Then came that big reveal in counseling and now he won’t talk about it. He just goes quiet when the subject comes up or he apologizes and says something about putting the past in the past.

        He is not communicative and I am often left trying to figure out what he’s thinking and feeling. It’s frustrating to say the least. I have come to the conclusion that he really loved her and that he still has feelings for her. He loves me as his family partner and has chosen to keep his family together.

        My coach feels I am biased and he thinks, based on my descriptions, that my husband is in love with me, but in his inability to communicate and his extreme guilt and remorse, he cannot consistently express that to me. I dunno. I suppose time will tell.

        So telling me that he has always loved only me is like a shot out of the blue. This is not what he and the counselor said. Is he only now coming out of the fog?

        Sorry for the long rant…

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

  2. Taking the event alone, the guy had an affair. Putting some context to it, it is coming out in light of the huge coverage of the assault on our Embassy in Libya; it appears that the intel community was not going to take a black eye forthe state department’s/ White House’s attempt to conceal information about the who and why. I believe this came out originally as a threat to force the intel community to take the fall, and David gave a big “fuck you!” by admitting it.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey there – should I call you Pillars?

      Thank you for the explanation. I have not been keeping up with the news for the past few days and need to catch up.

      If he had never had an affair, he wouldn’t be in the position of having to admit anything or putting his wife through it all. I know it’s nothing unusual in this world. I was just commenting on how much of a trigger it was to hear about his emails, as my husband’s emails are the bane of my existence. And also that I am sorry I am for his wife. Seeing it in the news is so sad.

      Hope the weekend is a good one for you…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • Liberty says:

        HI DJ…..It is very sad news…and like you I feel sorry for his wife. Shit, I know how bad and humiliated I feel and no one outside of this blog knows! Don’t know if I could do the public thing! Just another trigger.
        I seriously can not watch any news now…between the hurricane with the same name as the OW and now this affair is all over, I just can’t deal with turning the tv on!

        And tonight a bad night. 5 months ago at this time I found the text! The text that changed everything I thought to be good and true. So, I am downstairs on the computer while H sleeps. He has no clue what today is. The odd thing about him is he truely does not realize all the triggers…he never put the storm name together with her, and I know he’s not pretending because I know him so well. He is just so easy going and sometimes so out of tune with things. I did really well all day but after we went to bed couldnt manage to hold it together, so here I am with my glass of wine 🙂 writing to my new friends 🙂

        BTW..I am looking for a new counselor who specializes in infidelity and H is more than willing to go so hopefully I will get some insight with that.

        Hope you have a good Sunday!!! We have spent the week-end cleaning!! Getting the clutter out is helping my mood. LOL

        LIberty xoxo

      • Not Over It says:

        Oh, I’m so glad to hear that your husband agreed to go! Many times a mediator makes it easier to say things that they will otherwise blow off.

        I am up, too. Couldn’t sleep… no real reason… my mind is just whirling around with too much stuff…

        Take care…
        DJ

  3. SHAPE says:

    Just a comment about the “text” triggers and the “I love you” statements. My H also says “I’m so sorry” or “I always loved you” or
    “I never stopped loving you,” in response to times when we have an argument/discussion. Sometimes it is comforting and other times it is not. Kind of depends on how our “talk” at that time is going. But I know I almost always end up asking, “if you really loved me, how could you keep on emailing her (and seeing her when she lived closer), calling her “honey, sweetheart, luv,” etc., etc. I saw an article once where the betrayer said he often used loving words to his AP to “keep things going,” even though he didn’t really mean them. I showed this to my H a year ago, and he admitted there was a lot of truth to that. Of course, that doesn’t excuse what they did, but it might make some sense of it. If anyone is interested, I will try to find it and post a link.

    As to the “text” triggers, mine were really emails – and I only saw about 6 of them, but that was enough. Everything that I saw proved what I had suspected, and after 20 months of no contact, I saw another exchange just this last September, which I now know she started again–but he responded. The only good thing was that he did actually tell her in the last exchange that they should no longer keep in touch as he had promised me “no contact.” She emailed back agreeing with this. My problem with that email exchange is that I would have like him to say to her something like this: “I love my wife; I don’t/didn’t ever love you. Don’t contact me again, ever. I will not respond.” But–that’s not what he said. However since this latest exchange, I have noticed a very big difference in his willingness to be more open with me and answer my questions, so that is a start.

  4. SHAPE says:

    Also meant to update those of you who may remember a post I made a few weeks ago that I had told the OW I would let her husband know if she ever contacted my H again. When the above email exchange occurred, I tried emailing her husband; it came back, and I was really disappointed. However, just a week ago I tried using my husband’s email account — the one he used with the OW (he has now “turned it over” to me, password was changed, so he cannot access it) and i worked, as he thought it was from my H (they were friends, too). I basically told the OW’s husband that his wife and my H had a relationship that went way beyond being “just friends,” as he thought that’s all it was. I said it was not my place to give him the details, but that I had proof of what had gone on. He did email me back and said very calmly (I thought) that he had suspected something and would talk to his wife about it. (Wonder what their weekend was like!)

    I really do feel better that I was able to tell her husband. It was a birthday gift to myself on Nov 8, to let him know what was going on behind his back. So maybe it will be easier to heal just knowing that “she has been found out.” I know my H is definitely not blameless in this whole mess, but I also know for sure that she instigated it and tried to keep it going. But, he of course, could have stopped it at any time and chose not to until I saw something and confronted him. I really do believe it is over between them – but, unfortunately, like many of you here, I have to deal with the after affects of everything.

    Prayers and blessing to all who read these posts!

    • Liberty says:

      Shape, I am wondering if your H is upset that you contacted the OW H? I think my H would be, we have never talked about it. But I think like you it would make me feel better.
      Thanks, Liberty

  5. SHAPE says:

    Liberty–
    No, he was not upset, as I had made it very clear to both of them when I discovered their affair on Dec 20, 2010 that I would tell her husband if she ever contacted my H again. Her H thought they were all “just good friends, including a friendship with him, although my H had only minimal contact with him.
    So–when she sent sent my H an email to wish him “Happy Birthday” on Aug 31 of this year (which he answered instead of telling me about it (as he had promised to do so many times if she ever contacted him again), I reminded him that I would now be emailing her husband to let him know it was much more than “just” friendship.
    I don’t suppose my H was thrilled with the idea, but I had made it VERY clear that I would do this and by now I was strong enough to not care if my H liked it or not. I have noticed that the “stronger” I become about what I will do or not do, tolerate or not tolerate, the more respect I get.
    In some ways, I think my H is relieved that it is all out in the open now. At least I hope there is not more. Who ever knows for sure??
    It also helps that they live on the opposite side of the US, so it is not likely we are going to meet up with them, although they do still own and rent out a house in our general area.
    I don’t care what happens to them or their marriage – I just hope she is “paying” something for her relentless pursuit of my H, even though I know he is not without blame for getting caught up with her adoration of him. Kind of makes me gag sometimes!!

    • Not Over It says:

      Belated happy birthday, SHAPE! Hope it was a good day all around…

      This is a giant step for you – we have talked a few times about telling her husband. It’s good that you did it, though the impetus for it was hurtful.

      I wouldn’t care about their marriage, either, but I do think it’s for the best for her husband. I would not want to be left in the dark about my spouse’s indiscretions.

      Hope all is well with you…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

    • SHAPE says:

      HI DJ-
      I definitely feel better for having told him. I’ve copies a little of his response in quotes below. As I think I told you before, he (and his wife) is Asian, and I am wondering if the part where he says “if she doesn’t love him anymore, then there is no need to stay married,” was said to ‘save face’ to me. I don’t know – but thought it might be. I have only met him once and exchanged a brief hello at the very beginning of his wife’s and my husband’s emails, so I really don’t know much about him.

      He said:
      “She didn’t tell me the details, but I felt something happened. I knew she sent an email to him to wish him happy birthday, but since I thought it was normal, I didn’t pay attention. . .They agreed they’d stop the contact. I prefer to trust that. But I will definitely talk to her and get what she thinks. If she doesn’t think love exists between us or she doesn’t love me any more, there is no reason to force her to stay in the marriage. We will find out. . .Sorry for the troubles. Also thanks for letting me know, but I do hope this is the last communication we have.
      Wish you well.”

      I am glad they live on the opposite side of the US, although they still own a house here and rent it out, but he said they would be selling it as soon as the housing market improves (who knows when that will be!).
      Thanks for your always-welcome responses to these emails. It is so helpful to share our common ups and downs with each other and the others who post and read here as well.
      Blessings,
      SHAPE

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi SHAPE – As an Asian, I can say most definitely, I agree that he was trying to save face, both is appearing unphased by it and also by not wanting details from you. He also has his head in the sand. But if that makes his life livable for him, that’s his business.

        If he wrote the letter himself, he is an Asian American and quite westernized, like me, though I do speak Chinese and Japanese. I hope he does face it head on.

        It really is so helpful to share with each other, and I so appreciate your input here.

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

      • SHAPE says:

        DJ–
        I love the difference you point out between telling someone they “are” strong and to “be” strong. Great point to keep in mind as we talk to others no matter what the situation may be.

        Also, yes, you are right about the AP’s husband (and the AP herself, too). They are both Asian (Chinese), but are very westernized. She has been in the states probably about 15 years and he perhaps 25 years (he is somewhat older than her). I appreciate your insight into what he wrote me. I think that will be the end of our communication, and that is fine as far as I am concerned. Who knows what has transpired as he sought to get the facts from her! I just feel completely relieved that it is all out, and if I am completely honest, I hope she is having some sleepless nights and painful days as I have had.

        Reading the news about Petraeus and his wife makes me try to step into her shoes. It must be awful. When the news reports that she is very angry right now, that is probably a huge understatement! I can’t imagine the pain she goes through seeing their faces plastered in newspapers and on TV all the time. Wonder also how the husband of the AP is doing. He must be in his own version of despair, unless, he, too, was having some kind of dalliance! Who knows–spousal betrayal seems to know no boundaries.

      • Not Over It says:

        Oh, me, too. My heart goes out to both of the betrayed spouses. I watched some CNN last night and the reports were all trying to justify the affair. Before trying to sound like therapists they should ask a therapist. Any good marriage counselor will tell them that there is never any justification for an affair. Period. Sure, there are circumstances that make it easy to step onto the slippery slope of infidelity, but these circumstances cannot be used as excuses or justifications. That was one of the few good things the last counselor I saw drilled into my head. He had to say it many times as we talked. And it wasn’t my husband he was talking to. It was me! I had bought into that notion. But there are no excuses and no justifications. It is a choice based in weakness and selfishness.

        Hope all is well with you –

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

  6. Dear DJ—Yes, the public figures have to pay a larger price for indiscretions. Here is a short post I wrote about lying, the opposite of what constitutes an ‘I-Thou’ relationship: http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/01/inconvenient- convenience.html I think the whole premise of the post you wrote here is so true and not something we often think about when we are going about our daily lives and things are pretty much going our way. But when a person gets deeply hurt in some way, they (any of us) can become supremely sensitive to anything that even slightly resembles our own painful experience, much less an incident like this where something reflecting our private life is played out in the news.
    Just a small added thought: When we know someone in our own life who is going through a profound challenge, we can try to be understanding of their sensitivity. I say, try to avoid telling people to ‘”be strong”, “move on”, and other such admonishments to suppress feelings or, actually to be unreal.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Paula – I tried the link you included but it doesn’t work. When you have time would you please re-send me the link?

      You caught my point exactly. I don’t really care about General Petraeus or the details of his betrayal, but hearing about his emails unglued me. Emails and social media – they bring back the pain and my ever-ready tears.

      Good point about telling people to move on. I have experienced the utter meaninglessness of this a few times – when each of my parents passed away and when my life was destroyed by my husband’s betrayal. It’s a typical old-school thing to say, but actually makes things worse.

      The phrase “be strong” has a different connotation for me. I don’t see it as suppressing feelings. I see it as being strong enough to face it, and not to sweep it under the rug. I also tell people that they *are* strong, but I don’t say “be strong.” When you are strong, you can still sit and even wallow in your pain, but when you are ready, I know you will be able to get up and put one foot in front of the other again. It helped me to hear that when I was down in that hole. I couldn’t do it right then, but it helped to know someone believed in me – believed that I would sometime be able to get up again. I guess it depends on who you are talking to and how the conversation is going. I will keep your thoughts in mind.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  7. Sure, it’s called, An Inconvenient Convenience and here’s another try at getting the link to take: http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/01/inconvenient-convenience.html
    I agree with you about it not being easy to make generalizations about how to be helpful to others who are troubled. You’re right—sometimes the very thing said to one person that upsets them is perfect for another. It’s a careful art, trying to convey compassion. The one thing that trumps all attempts, clumsy or inspired is, intention.

  8. nmwf1 says:

    I think we all seen that clip in the news. My husband was sitting next to me as well, watching the news together, that segment made him a little nervous, I never said a word. But I have to say, when the woman that is at the center of the scandal, (cant recall her name) was up on a stage talking about her book, she seemed awfully smug about the whole thing. (of course it was before anyone put 2 and 2 together) But how disgusting she was, she has a husband and kids to. What a pathetic, career destroying,home wrecking, piece of horse shit she is, (him and her both) I think people should boycott her book. i bet she isn’t so smug, anymore….

  9. SHAPE says:

    I believe the woman’s last name is “Bradford” or something like that? But I can’t resist making a comment about her book’s title: “All In”– yeah—like was she making a statement? (LOL)!!!

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