Should she contact the Other Woman?

Many thanks to those who commented on Liberty’s situation.  It has been good on so many levels.  I have been reminded of some of the truths of dealing with infidelity.  I have learned some new things, too.  I have felt a sense of community and belonging that makes me feel that I am not so alone.  It means so much.

Liberty would like to ask another question, so I’m going with it another time.  Should she contact the OW?  Boy, if that is ever a big question… here is what she wrote:

liberty830says:

Hi everyone, I am glad that I am not alone and I’m sorry I am not alone! Because then no one would be unhappy.   Let me ask another question of everyone ( hope it’s alright DJ)   I am wondering what you all think of contacting the OW?  Not to bitch at her or be mean but to see about finding out the story?  Do you think they are honest in these situations?  I have not done anything yet, not sure I even would but just wanted to throw it out and see if anyone has done it.

I am taking everyone’s advice to heart and trying not to be so down on myself.

I just struggle with wanting to ask my H the same questions over and over again, he’s answered them already, I don’t know what I am looking for?  But, that’s the times I need someone to talk to but I have not told anyone about this so I have no one to tell me stop doing that! 

Thanks!  Liberty

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63 thoughts on “Should she contact the Other Woman?

  1. Geraldyn says:

    Please don’t, it does no good, the more you know the more you agonise, is it really good to hear her side. I did, it helped no one

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Geraldyn – glad to have you participate in our discussion! In my case, I have read hundreds of pages of emails written by the OW so I “know” her in a way — well enough to know I would never get the truth out of her if I asked her questions. I would also never give her the satisfaction of thinking that I need anything from her, or that my husband is protecting her and their relationship by keeping information from me. I am certain that is how she would take it.

      I have, however, thought through every detail of a confrontation with her much like the one that Aaron wrote about below. I would love to have a face-off with her where I put her in her place. No yelling or ranting – just an even, lethal attack on her and the lack of character she displayed.

      I have also daydreamed about beating the crap out of her, but that’s just a daydream I used to indulge in. Not so much anymore…

      Grace & peace to you – hope to hear from you again.
      DJ

  2. That’s a tough one. My husband is a sex addict who cheated online, so the OW in my case were 4 different online setting/sex chatting/phone sex skanks who may or may not have known about me. I didn’t even know about 3 of them until last month. The one I did find put about I had brief contact with through Facebook. It wasn’t productive in the least.

    I really think it depends on your situation and what your gut is telling you.

    • Not Over It says:

      Yep, for some people and some situations, it is needed. For others, like you and me, it is futile and actually sets you back a ways because everything becomes fresh and raw all over again.

      Thank you, Beautiful! Hope you are doing well. I am enjoying the journey of self-discovery that you have embarked on.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  3. hiddinsight says:

    I always fantasized about having a friendship with the Om’s wife, and I would have enjoyed talking to her. But I don’t think it would have been healthy for her. I think she may have obsessed too much. Silence was better. You won’t regret it.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Hiddinsight – Thank you for your perspective. Interesting – from what I’ve read, most OWs are jealous. I’ve read of one who even wanted to pretend that his family didn’t exist.

      I agree that it never would have worked. Silence is better, even now – in your case. If the wife called you, would you be honest?

      Take care. I’m always glad to hear that your marriage is doing well.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • hiddinsight says:

        If the OM’s wife phoned me, I’m not sure what I would do. I always felt compassion towards her and perhaps our circumstances were unique. The whole entire time I was (doing a terrible job of ) resisting the OM’s advances, I was trying to get him to work on his relationship with his wife. I never wanted to have an affair. I always wanted him to fix what was broken in his relationship with her. I suppose that’s what makes me unique, but it sounds like a stupid excuse. It also sounds like a ridiculous way for an affair to happen…which just proves that you become mentally unstable and just do REALLY STUPID THINGS. It’s hard to forgive myself when I remember the affair fog. I wish I had been more in control of myself.

        So…to answer your question, yes, I was totally honest with her when she phoned me to threaten me to tell my husband about my affair…we talked for about 20 minutes or so. If she phoned now to ask me questions about what happened, I would tell her the truth. But if she believed me the OM would be in big trouble because he didn’t tell her everything. That would make me nervous.

        I’m so glad we can talk about things like this. It is so therapeutic for me. Thank you. We’ve both come so far. It’s going to be worth it.

      • Not Over It says:

        You’re not the typical OW by a long shot, and I’m glad to read about how you are now “living the dream and not the fantasy.” Truly, we have both come a long way…

        So you know what he told her? So you were in contact with him after his wife’s Dday? I know I don’t have to tell you to be careful with that…

        My husband and I have not been getting along well for some time, but I am better within myself. My husband, for all the fighting between us, wants me at his side at all times. We’re going through a strange phase…

        Hope the day is treating you well…

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

  4. I had no choice. She was a friend, friend of the family and she was a leader in my ministry. But in saying that she pretty much lied through her teeth and said she didn’t have sex with my husband and that she had all the sex she needed with her husband and that she had found love in a whole new way. All lies. After her husband called me and I got the whole truth, I haven’t contacted her since. I have had many conversations in my head with her tho. I would say if you don’t have to have contact don’t. If she’s angry she’ll lie to hurt him. If she’s still in love with him she’ll withhold so she doesn’t hurt him and still thinks she has a chance with him. It also may give her power over you. It’s inevitable that I will have future contact with the OW cause my son is dating her daughter and will probably marry her. I don’t look forward to it now but I do have an advantage………….I have his heart and she doesn’t!!!!

  5. SHAPE says:

    This is such an individual decision. I did have a phone conversation with the OW about 2-3 days after D-Day (Dec 2010). She was told by my H (and me) in an email that there would be no more contact (which didn’t happen until just this past Sept 2012), but I also told her to call me if she wanted to add anything. She did call, and really just said that it was partly my fault that the whole thing happened (NOT my fault, as we know). But it did give me a chance to tell her that what they did was SOOOOO wrong, and that I would tell her husband if she contacted my H again. It felt really good to say that to her.

    Well, she did contact him again just this past Aug 31 on his birthday to wish him happy birthday, This was also how she started the whole thing with him Aug of 2009 with an email to his radio station of a Happy Birthday and then it went on from there to how wonderful he sounded and how happy he made here every day when she listened to him and on and on. Long story short–they emailed about 4 times before I saw an email he sent back to her that he addressed incorrectly, so it came flying back to the inbox and didn’t go through. However, he had previously emailed her that they could not continue any contact because he and I were trying to work things out. I did see her email saying that he was right about no more contact, and she basically said “goodbye and have a good life.”

    My problem is that my H did not tell me about the birthday email like he promised he would, so my trust tanked again just when after about 20 months it was starting to get better. However, in retrospect, this latest breech of trust resulted in my being able to have more conversations with him and getting more answers as he knows he has no choice if he wants to stay married to me. And if he doesn’t, I am not going to be content to walk on egg shells anymore about asking questions just because it might upset him. He really does get this now in a way he never used to.

    I have tried to email her husband and give him the facts as I said I would if there was further contact, and when using my email address showing my name, it didn’t go through. But when I used an email account attached to my husband’s name, it did go through. I just asked him to respond if this was still a good email to use. I have not heard back from him yea or nea, but the email did NOT come back, so I am assuming it is good, but that she is monitoring it.

    I don’t have a working phone number any more for them. They have moved across country. I may just settle for sending her an email (if it will go through) and just get somethings off my chest. Maybe just in writing it all out, I will feel better. It’s such a dilemma. One day I feel one way and another day I feel another way. It’s a real roller coaster.

    • Not Over It says:

      Geez, SHAPE – new contact after so much time must re-open a lot of wounds. I think I would even hire someone to find her husband so I could tell him. He needs to know the truth of his marriage. I don’t know of many people who would want to live in the dark about this.

      Is it possible that he does know and that’s why they moved? Just a thought…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  6. kayboo24 says:

    I did, and all she did was lie. You see the problem was that she told me she was in love with my husband, and she could not handle the fact that when faced with having to choose between us, my husband chose me. She said he always paid for hotels etc…lie,I was able to get receipts in her name, paid on her credit card.She said he was driving his car by her work, lie…his car was in the shop.The list goes on and on.You have to realize that to have an affair it takes 2 people who are great liars. She will lie to hurt you and him.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Kayboo – welcome to our discussion. That’s what I would expect of my husband’s OW, too. You are absolutely right – people in affairs become great liars, and jilted OWs often lash out to get revenge. There are some blogs here that talk about really psycho OWs – stuff that’s straight out of Fatal Attraction.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  7. Paula says:

    The OW in our case is permanently single, and a friend of mine since we were 10 and 11 years old. (We are mid 40s.) I dearly (actually, DESPERATELY) wanted to talk with her, because I wanted to try to get her to understand my devastating, and permanent pain, and understand that I understood her loneliness, but that this was a truly terrible thing. I guess I also wanted to know why she thought it was okay to screw my partner of more than two decades – for well over a year – when I loved her and her little boy, when most were not keen. I wanted it to be a clear the air, sorry for hurting each other type of thing (I believe she thought my partner was going to save her from her very lonely singledom, and help her raise her small son.) She refused, and even went so far as to send me a (fake) restraining order!! I don’t think a person who involves themselves with a married person has the capability to help you if you contact them, and I agree that it probably gives them some kind of power. Ours stalked us for nearly three years after Dday, or rather, him, but wouldn’t engage with or even acknowledge me, or our lovely children. This was a person I took pity on and invited her to many, many of our family occasions, and who holidayed with us all at our holiday home, many, many times – even when my partner wasn’t there! And I used to fancy myself such a good judge of character!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey Paula – It’s one thing to be betrayed by your partner, and a double whammy when it’s a close friend. I admire your strength in all this and always look for your comments here and on Emotional Affair Journey.

      You bring up something that my coach and I have had to discuss many times – doubting myself. I also used tp consider myself a good judge of character, but I did not see the deceit and betrayal in my own husband for six years. SIX YEARS. I have trouble now with trusting my own judgment, let alone his.

      But we keep trudging along… love & prayers to you, Paula.
      DJ

  8. nmwf1 says:

    Hi Liberty, I obsessed so much about contacting the other woman that it almost gave me a nervous breakdown, i wanted opinions about it to, I remember someone saying, if you don’t contact the OW than she will think it does not bother you, or if you see the OW in a public place and you ignore her than, she will think it does not bother you and that you will have the upper hand.(REALLY!) My comment to that was, its a bunch of crap, Of course they know it bothers you, (its human nature) no matter how much you pretend it doesn’t. I decided that I didn’t give a damn if the OW thinks it bothers me or not, Because it sure as hell does. Long story short, I did contact her, I got some answers that were different than my husbands, and it infuriated me to say the least. I believe she was very credible in what she told me. We did not talk long but, she told me that she knew everything about me, what I looked like,(she described me to a T, ) I I’m sure he sent her a picture of me, YUCK! also things about my life, My family, kids, my first grand baby that was on the way,(he told me at first that he never talked to her about me, he lied of course) I asked her about different things and his answers and hers were quite different to say the least, (I believed her over him) I asked her if she told him that she loved him, and she said something like, he knows I’ve always loved him, they dated years ago before we were married, I kept my cool to get more info, I asked if he told her that he loved her and she said, Oh he’s a good man and he loves you very much, it did not answer my question but i moved on, She said that she still has his class ring, He says she doesn’t, ( I know he is lying to me) And I know damn good and well that she told him that she still had it. I asked her if they ever met up with each other during the EA,(she lives in another state) She said no,(but it might be to protect him) cause she did not sound to convincing at that point. (And I know now that, she did come to our state at least once, and I am still in turmoil about weather or not they met up with each other physically) I asked her what she thought the relationship with my husband was to her, Before she could answer, I told her that I knew about the sexual pictures that him and her sent back and forth to each other and that I knew about the phone sex. She said Oh it was most definitely an affair, I wanted to cringe, (Course what else could it be, friends don’t have phone sex) I asked her how many times him and her had phone sex, (his answer to me was 2) lets say his number was quite a bit off from hers) I believe her over him. I asked her if she was proud of herself, and she said she was sorry. I asked her about her spouse, and if he knew, she said that he only knows that she talked a few times to an old friend. (He does not know that they camped on the phone with each other for months, ) and texts constantly. and all the rest. There were other things that I asked, ironically she was nice on the phone and I wanted to rip her head off. i told her that I thought what her and my husband did behind my back and her husbands back was disgusting and pathetic, and as low as they can get. I also told her that I thought there relationship was cheap and gross, I also told her that I was tempted to tell her husband, but I didn’t. I told her that she will never be the woman I am in my husbands eyes and that he regrets what he did with her. She never fired off at me, and before we hung up, she told me that if I wanted more details of their relationship, that she will tell me what I want to know. I have never called her since, but have been tempted to. There were other things we talked about but I cannot remember right now, we did not talk for long, The conversation took place 3 months ago. One year after D day. I really do want to talk to her more, but I don’t want to be pathetic, It didn’t really solve anything, except it made me realize that my husband lied to me over and over. So the answer I give to you about contacting the OW is (there is no right or wrong answer) its what ever you feel you have to do. I had to contact the OW because I simply could no longer sleep at night thinking about calling her. Where do I go from here? i am 14 months out and I still feel as bewildered as you, I still want answers, and I am still stuck on this roller coaster ride from hell. And hanging on for dear life.

    • liberty830 says:

      nmwfi, Thank you for your reply….I think part of me thought that if I did contact her that she might tell the “truth” and it would be different from what my H said. And I think I could not handle that. I think at that point I would be done, so maybe not knowing is better? I’ve heard so many people say they wish they didnt know all the details and maybe they are right. If I want my marriage to survive I have to draw the line somewhere. H is doing everything I ask of him. H from day one of ending the “friendship” never acted down, or depressed. I asked him once if he thought of her and he said no, only when you bring it up. He also said, if it were more than a friendship wouldnt he feel sad and not want to let go?

      So who the hell knows! They can look you strait in the eye and lie so I wish I had a crystal ball. LOL

      • Teresa says:

        Liberty, my H acted the same….no contact after Dday, as far as I could find, and believe me, I looked! But he acted like it was no big deal to have NC with her, no sadness, no moping…he also said he never thought about her, unless I brought her up!
        My H can compartmentalize VERY well, so that’s probably what he did.
        I’m struggling now with trusting him again, though, after another woman sent him an “innocent” text yesterday…so what the hell do I know?? I’m probably a fool for keeping him around the last 2 yrs…

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi NM – I’m glad she gave you some information, but I don’t think I would trust it. She has no reason to help you and every reason to try to hurt you more. I know you had to do it and I understand completely, but when you did, it was like pouring salt in your wounds, and that’s exactly what she wanted. You are still suffering so much, my friend. Please be kind to yourself.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  9. nmwf1 says:

    One more added note: she she said that she was having trouble with her spouse at that time and that my husband was her ROCK omg! that clinched my teeth a bit. need i say more……

    • Not Over It says:

      Ewwww. My husband’s OW also called him her rock and her mountain of strength. That became his password on many of his online accounts. I made him go into every account with me and change them all shortly after I discovered that. It was a major setback in my recovery for some time.

  10. aaroncrj says:

    Liberty, I did contact the OM, face-to-face. I drove six hours to do it. It happened about 2-1/2 months after D-Day, but the reason I contacted him was because he had been in the background of our relationship for close to three decades and I had never met him. I wanted to see him in person, “size him up,” and let him see that I was real, too. I drove six hours but spent only about ten minutes with him. I told him what I wanted him to hear. I didn’t ask him anything. This was about my asserting myself and maybe a bit about putting him in his place. When I finished what I had to say I got up, walked out, and didn’t look back.

    If your goal is to ask questions of the OW, I would say don’t do it. It would put you in a weak position vis-a-vis her. Don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she has something “over” you.

    If you don’t want to ask your husband the same questions over and over again have you considered writing them down and asking him to answer them in writing? Would being able to go back and reread his responses give you the reassurance you’re seeking?

    As you have seen, DJ is a great source of support and those of us who follow her blog can all relate to the pain and uncertainty you’re feeling. Yet, each of us has our own unique situation and only you can know what is right for you.

    I wish you and your husband all the best,

    –Aaron

    • Liberty says:

      Aaron. Great idea. I’m going to write him. Thank you.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Aaron – nice to see you here! I remember the post where you described that meeting. You had me on the edge of my seat waiting to hear what happened. I so admired the way you handled it and wanted to do the same. Unfortunately she is much too far away. In my case, maybe that’s a good thing. I might not be able to resist the temptation to punch her lights out. And you know I can, too. Ha!

      Hope all is well with you, my dear friend Aaron…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  11. liberty830 says:

    Thanks for all the responses. I feel in my heart that I don’t want to contact her. I am torn because I NEED to know but who know’s what she might say and I would be worse off than I am now,

    My H asked me last night, Why I can’t believe him on what he is saying, he has said the same thing since day 1 and looking back I see nothing that would have made me think he was doing anything other than talking. He was with me when he was supposed to be, we went out on week-ends. He never once treated me any different. He always said he loved me, he just lonely because our schedules for so different, but he was still the same guy (or so I thought).

    I 100% believe he has had NC from the day he told her they couldnt be friends anymore but….I still have this knot in the pit of my stomach that won’t go away. I guess it’s true time will help, but until then I just have to get thru one day at a time.

    I think all of you here are amazing, and I am grateful you shared your stories and tips with me. It does help.

    thanks again DJ.

    Liberty xoxo

    • Not Over It says:

      You’re welcome, Liberty. I’m glad you have found some comfort and help in sharing here.

      We all doubt ourselves after discovering our spouses betrayed us and were so good at hiding it. Aaron CRJ and I have had some discussions about this very thing. My husband hid it well for the first year and I never suspected a thing. It sickens me today to know that at my mother’s funeral, while he was comforting me, he was thinking about how excited he was to be going to meet her for the first time since they reconnected. He left right after the funeral and I didn’t see him for a month because of his business trips. A week of that time was spent with her.

      After that trip, our marriage deteriorated rapidly, but I attributed it to clinical depression. His sister is manic depressive and I thought he might be also. I found an answer for everything because I never thought he would ever betray me. It had to be thrown in my face for me to finally see it.

      But you know, maybe your husband didn’t get that far. I doubt that they were just friends if he was keeping it a secret from you. I wish you luck in figuring it all out. Stay in touch as you go along.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • Liberty says:

        DJ. You are a very strong woman from what I’ve read. I hope I have the strength to get thru this with such Grace as you have shown. You take the time to help others and that is a gift.

        Liberty xoxo

      • Not Over It says:

        You will make it, Liberty. I’m not so strong. I have just learned to keep putting one foot in front of the other. There was a time when I could not even do that. I wanted to die. The me that I am today is resurrected out of the devastation of life as I knew it. Maybe melodramatic but that’s truly how it felt for me… people like Fighter and Survivor and Foolish Woman and Looking for Buddha Again and Aaron CRJ, and my Coach James helped me stand up again. And now I have many friends here from both sides of infidelity who are all just putting one foot in front of the other. We will all make it.

  12. So many people say not to.

    I had to. I contacted them all. I needed them to know that *I* knew. I also wanted to ask a few questions too. Two responded well, and gave me a few answers. One even told me things my husband hadn’t and I realized he’d been lying to me. So that was helpful. Those two also apologized to me. While that didn’t make me feel better, it showed that they did know they were wrong.

    The third, the long term 2+ year one, flat out denied everything. Even when I told her things I could only know from him. She still denied. I knew she was lying because of the long pauses and how the conversation went. But I STILL wanted her to know that I knew.

    I wanted them to know that they did impact my life. They weren’t victims of his, they all knew he was married. Yes, he does have the responsibility towards me, however, really, I believe we are allowed to have anger towards the OP as well. They too are purposefully hurting us as well.

    I wrote each one a letter, telling them the impact they had on my life. I told them I didn’t hate them, but that they were inconsequential to me, they were nothing. I was never rude, mean, bitchy. But I needed to do it for ME, for *MY* closure.

    Oh and the one that was married and still with her husband, I did contact him and tell him about the affair. I felt he deserved to know and have a chance to make a decision about his own mariage as well since it too was based on lies like mine.

    • Not Over It says:

      Yours is an interesting case, Sam, and I know you had to do it. You could actually compare OWs against one another. Geez. I also think it was right to tell her husband. I wish the OW’s husband in my case had told me. He found out first.

      Hope the day is going well for you –

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  13. I posted right after you did Liberty, I hope you get a chance to read mine!

    • Liberty says:

      Thank you. I thought about contacting OW husband but he was out of the country serving in Iraq. I just couldn’t feel right about him hearing it from me. That’s when I hope Karma steps in. 🙂

  14. Paula says:

    Interesting stuff. To add to my earlier comment, I did drive to the OW’s house, and was denied access, even bearing gifts: brownies, so we could talk, and a small token for her little boy, to let her know I wasn’t out to hurt her, just wanted to talk. She flat out refused. I wrote one letter that I sent, and many, many more that I didn’t. Interesting that nmwf1 says people say don’t contact because then she’ll know it bothered you. Hell, I wanted her to know it bothered me, it bothered me so much that it was everything I could ever think of, my heart was broken, smashed and stomped on by the two of them. Why would I ever want her to think it didn’t bother me??? That would make it seem like it was okay that she came and defaecated all over my lovely life, destroyed the one thing that made me feel special, and successful, in this world. My partner, in his affair fog, thought it wouldn’t bother me!!! He had gaslighted himself into thinking I didn’t love him anymore, and if I found out, then it would set in motion a process of us separating, and that was probably a good thing!!! COWARD! He looks back now and shakes his head with the utter stupidity of himself. This is still the wallpaper of my mind, every single minute of every single day, and night. Three and almost-a-half years later. THAT is what he never put into the equation at the time – the permanence of the sorrow and self deprecation of the betrayed (although I KNOW not to do that, I have never recovered my self esteem fully, and probably never will.)

    • Not Over It says:

      I have also written many letters to her that I have destroyed. I think your case is different in that she was one of your closest friends, so naturally you would want her to know how hurt you were. I believe my husband’s OW would gloat over making me miserable.

      I am slowly regaining my self-esteem, but I also doubt that I will fully recover it. Is there a way to make lemonade out of that one? Hmmm…

    • It’s not so much about it bothering you as it is about where you focus lies. Is the alienator worth it? Are you giving her your power by focusing your energy on her?
      It also depends on the alienator herself. If she is a narcissist or histrionic, she will have done what she wanted by bothering you–to her it will have been a game and the goal was to get you, not your husband.
      If she does not have a personality disorder and is capable of empathy and feels remorse for her actions, then showing her your bother or your pain and the damage may have an effect.

  15. Paula says:

    RCR, well said – the woman in our case was not a close friend, but an old one, and she is both a narcissist, and a sociopath, which I never fully realised, but did know about some of her personality “quirks.” It wasn’t until I read a checklist, about what a sociopath actually is, that the lightbulb went off, and that this was how to describe her properly, and to understand why she didn’t have any remorse, or empathy for me, or our children. Seeing her in person, whilst she panicked when she opened the door, probably later gave her immense satisfaction, that she had got under my skin. Therefore, I have tried to “live well” in order to “beat” her. However, there comes a point whereby you need to look after yourself, and if you are not happy, living well, may include divorce, lol! This woman also gloats over what she accomplished – the destruction of me (in part.) I will not let her destroy me fully!!

    • Not Over It says:

      Lol – living well – such poetic justice. This reminds me of my Karma post where I told you about the little group of alumni that my husband and she are still a part of. I do think he has to stop that nonsense, but although I am triggered terribly by the whole thing, there is a small part of me that does take satisfaction in what they see of me. I am in better shape than when I was 30 and I have achieved some nice things recently in martial arts and in school. My husband never posted about me with that group before, but now he does – often. Poke her in the eye… mwa hahahaha!

      Goodness – I used to think of myself as Glinda the Good Witch, but maybe this whole mess has turned me into Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West!

  16. I contacted one OW, because she was long-time ‘friend.’ It was only helpful in that she confirmed what I thought might be true – that she wasn’t the only one. But mostly, it was a waste. I had to be nice, because I didn’t want her to shut-down. I had to bite my tongue. It was painful. I didn’t contact the other ones.

    What the betrayed spouse wants is the truth, and anyone involved in the affair is incapable of being honest (especially right after discovery). You want affirmation and acknowledgment of what they have done to your life – they can’t give it. You weren’t a consideration in the affair – only their needs were considered. The OW are the all the same as your spouse – they are caught up in the fog of affairs, lies and deception. They can’t and won’t see reality the way you need.

    What I have found more helpful is the exposure to the other spouse. I got affirmation of my experience, because they are also a victim. I began to understand that the OW weren’t vindictive people trying to destroy my family – they were the same as my spouse…weak, selfish, looking to have their needs met outside their marriage. They lived in the same fantasy world. They are as messed-up as I suspected.

    Liberty – I see that you considered exposure to the OW husband. I just posted about why I chose exposure. There is also really good info on MarriageBuilders.com that I used in making my decision.

    I have just contacted the spouses and it went better than I could have ever imagined. It was much better than speaking to the OW. (will post the results later this week)

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Shaketheexcess – I just found your comment in my spam box – good thing I checked it. I often forget.

      That is an interresting point to bring up – contact the spouse of the OW instead. I would still like to do this, even after all this time. I don’t think he knows as much as I do, but I’d like to talk anyway.

      Thank you! Hope things are going well for you and I will look for your post of the results.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • Hi – thanks. I think you should consider still contacting. How I wish someone would have called me – even if it was later. I waited longer than they recommend and I am happy I did. I just posted the results of the first call. I know they don’t always go as well (as with my second call!), but I know I did the right thing either way. With both the calls, the fear of the call was much, much worse than the reality.

  17. Carol says:

    I contacted the OW two days after D-Day. It was a very simple, short, blunt e-mail message. I told her not to contact my husband again. I told her she had wreaked havoc in the lives of four innocent people, three of them children. She had tried to pretend that she and my H were just ‘professional acquaintances’; I let her know that I have many male professional acquaintances but I do not text and call them incessantly, send them pix of myself, and urge them to leave their wives. I then told her to leave me and my family alone. This was all short, just about 4-5 sentences. In my case the OW is a famous singer (UGH, RETCH) and was a little afraid of exposure. I didn’t threaten that nor did I ever intend to do it. She wrote back, and her e-mail was helpful to me but not for the reasons you’d think. In her reply: 1. she lied (she said their contact had not been daily, and was emphatic about this; I knew better from the phone/text records); 2. she said she’d never encouraged my H to leave me and our kids (another lie; I’d recovered the text messages in which she did so); 3. she said she thought about my H romantically (BS; they had at least one hot-and-heavy makeout session and plenty of sexually-suggestive texts); 4. and — the kicker — she complained to me about HER marriage and tried to get me to sympathize with the difficult position she’d been in vis a vis her H.

    Why was this helpful? Because the OW is 12 years younger than me, famous, drop-dead gorgeous, wildly talented. I was feeling low about myself in comparison. Although I was strong to my H — on D-day itself I told him that if he thought this lying, selfish bitch was worth more than me, he was a fool and no loss to me and he could get the hell out (I’m still proud of myself for saying this to him) — inside I felt unsure, still thinking she was better than me. Well, this reply of hers showed me clearly that she’s a liar, selfish, narcissistic, uncaring, manipulative — you name it. For me, that reply clarified who she was and who I am. And it helped me begin to accept that my value as a person has little to do with fame, looks, talent — but with character, honesty, empathy for others. In the latter three categories, at least in comparison with her, I’m the star! Or so I continue to tell myself …

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Carol – way to go! You are the star. It appears the beauty inside you is beyond her ability to even comprehend. I’m glad you handled it so well, and I’m glad you could see through her reply. Her true colors came through alright. I hope your husband sees that.

      Thank you for that input. It gives us something more to think about in understanding the OW.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  18. nmwf1 says:

    Hi Dj, Paula, I wonder how men get drawn into such women, do they not see it? Are they that oblivious to what they are getting there self into? Living well is a good plan, in my case the OW wouldn’t know it anyway, She will never see me,, or know anything further about me,( so I think anyway, lol) i’m not so sure about anything to tell you the truth. But Dj, a few weeks ago I wondered about how everyone copes with the issue of sex , I said that I realize that the number one issue in the pain department is the emotional part of an affair, we all know, it is what kills the soul , however coping with visions of a H in the arms of OW is pretty sickening to say the least, I want to know how anyone gets past that part. I sill don’t know the truth about weather or not the OW came here and met up with my H physically, but my mind is reeking havoc with me. So I want to know others thoughts about, how they cope with that aspect. How do they get past that? Hope all of you have a good day! I know its just another sore spot to talk about. But I really want others thoughts.

  19. Paula says:

    nmwf1, I agree, mine will never see me, either, but I TRY (not that successfully many times) to live for ME, not for HIM, and most certainly not for her. I am not that proficient at this, but I do try pretty hard to keep her out of my life (head) and my decisions – that said, she is wedged there, dammit! I will post a little on your sex question – as this is now extremely important to me.

    Carol, I also love how you handled your OW – who could have seemd “above” you – you took her down to size – for you, especially – so proud! I did a similar thing, longer letter, but with a similar message. Didn’t have that effect, because our OW just didn’t care a jot, and wasn’t phased in the slightest because she saw herself in the right, and me in the wrong (I KNOW??!!)

  20. Susie says:

    Liberty,
    I am very sorry that this has happened to you and that you are now one of us. You have found this great place to express your concerns and you will get great support here.
    I wrote four letters to the uninvited companion of hurt and pain over the course of two years. I too was one of those people that wanted to contact the OW. So one day I decided that I would send her these letters about how I felt at different points in this recovery certified mail. I added a happy picture of us that was taken about one month before the affair. I put a sticky on it: yes I am a real person and this is that very unhappy married couple. I also put a e mail between the two of them one day after D day about how much they loved each other and how he would make this work for them. With a letter the same day dated and signed by my husband that he loved me and wanted to make this marriage work.
    I was asked by our counselor why I did this? I stated that I finally had a voice in all of this! About two weeks after I mailed this,
    I got a envelope Fed X from her and I refused it. And to this day, one year later, I am not sorry.
    Good luck to you and my prayers are with you!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Susie! Good to hear from you. It sounds to me like you handled it very well, Susie! I love how you included the letters your husband wrote. Couldn’t have scripted it out better for a movie…

      Hope this finds you well and happy –

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  21. I did, it took years, but i contacted the OW in my ex’s life. By that time, both she and I had removed ourselves from the situation. It will be very hard. In my situation, it provided me with them missing pieces of the puzzle. I lived with a habitual liar who moulded his truths to fit his convenience. There were many unanswered questions for me…but they were ones that I suspected I knew the truth about but never received anything in the way of validation or respect from my ex. I did however get the truth from the OW. It was difficult and it hurt. For me, it was important to know. Then, my questions and doubts answered, I could move forward. I had been stuck in a holding pattern for a very long time.
    http://cheatbuster.wordpress.com/

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi CU – It sounds like it was the right thing to do in your case. I’m glad you were strong enough to make that contact. I’m interested to know how you could tell that she was telling the truth. I think I would wonder who was telling the truth – my ex or the OW.

      Glad you are moving forward – hopefully I will, too. I feel stuck right now…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  22. Liberty says:

    Consistent…..and all, do you think it’s possible to move on and not be stuck in a holding pattern if you feel you don’t know the whole story or don’t believe what H is telling you? I’m just wondering if being “stuck” is a way of life now or will it get better?

    Liberty

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Liberty – I think you will not move on until you feel you have the information you need. But maybe you need to really look at what you need to know and why your gut is telling you he’s not telling you everything. Everyone is different.

      There are always some things that we will never know. I don’t know exactly how many times they met. I don’t trust that I know what he feels for her today. But he has made it clear that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and so I am trying to work through it and make the best of the situation.

      It will get better if your husband works through it with you. Why is he remorseful if he feels there was never anything beyond friendship? I don’t quite understand your situation.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • Liberty says:

        DJ….I think he is remorseful because he know’s that talking in any context with another girl is wrong, regardless of what he talked about. He fully admits this. And he knows how much I am hurting and it really does bother him. However, he just says he was lonely (with me working 10-12 hrs daily and him working nights, we were just passing in the hallway). and she was lonely with her H off in Iraq….and my H is from Syria, has been here 27 years, so I think they talked a lot about the middle east. I think he at first was trying to reassure her about her H, she didn’t work and my H job is a lot of driving around during the day so lots of time to talk but again I don’t really know. He keeps saying he never had any feelings other than friendship towards her but I don’t know. I think if our schedules had been different this would not have happened, however he is taking the blame for doing something wrong.

        I guess we will see….H says he’s always loved me and wanted me, but I keep asking myself, then why the hell did you do this!!! Why WHY! And I know I will probably never get the answer.

        Take care DJ….

        Liberty xoxo

  23. Cindy says:

    Hi. I am new here. And I have to say that everything written here is everything that I have been struggling with for last 3 1/2 years. I appreciate the honesty and willingness to share.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Cindy – welcome. I’m glad you found us, even 3.5 years later. We are honest and open because we know we have found a place of acceptance and support. I look forward to hearing more about you.

      Grace and peace to you,
      DJ

  24. Laura says:

    Hi, I went the other woman’s house and met her at her front door. She was quite shocked when she learned who I was. I was nothing but completely polite and respectful to her. It was very apparent that she was not being honest with her answers to my questions. She denied having feelings for him and at the end of my visit she said she had gone thru the same thing and didn’t want to be a part of breaking up a 28 year marriage so she was not going to call my husband or take his calls again. She even appologized, sort. About 3 weeks later I figured out the pass ode on my husbands phone and found messages from her on something called Viber that they were using so I could not track his calls. In these messages she complained to him about how hard it was sitting by the phone waiting for his calls as that was all she looked forward to each day, she declared her love for him stating her heart belonged to him, she told him that if he was going to keep her on the side like he was he needed to give more attention to her, she mentioned in a separate message that if he wasn’t going to talk dirty to her any more she would have to finish by herself ,and I could see where they would also connect with Skype so I can only assume she likes to put on a show for him when they can’t be together. So in my case the other woman did nothing but lie to my face and then agreed to be on the side for him no matter if he was going to stay in the marriage or not – perfect setup for him, right?
    Now I have to wonder how, if we can ever repair our marriage, I will be able to regain trust knowing they’ve found a secret way to communicate and she is willing to sneak and take him anyway she can get him. I don’t know how women can be this way. All I know is I’m trying to decide if I even want to stay as I don’t ever want to go thru this again even if it means ill be alone the rest of my life.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Laura – your story is a perfect example of why I am so hesitant to trust anything the OW says about anything. They have no reason to be truthful, and every reason to either protect their affair partner or to get back at them.

      There are a lot of variables involved in your decision – I hope it comes easier for you than it did for me. We are always here if you need to vent or talk things out.

      How is your husband handling things right now?

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

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