How do we keep it together?

A fellow blogger whose pen name is Liberty is going through a rough time right now.  She is 21 weeks out from Dday and in so much pain that she was thinking of throwing in the towel.  If you’d like to see our discourse, you’ll find it in the comment section of my post last week:

She asked a question of all of us here, and I’d like to put it in a post so that more of you will see it.  It would be nice for us to share our answers here to help her out.  Here is her question:

“Let me ask all of you here, how do you manage to keep it together?   I am feeling like I am worse now than I was 21 weeks ago.   I thought I would be feeling better not worse!   Am I doing something wrong?  I need some advice on how to stop thinking the worst all the time!   I don’t even like myself right now, so how can I expect my H to?”

We all have our own ways of dealing with this whole mess.  What can we say to someone who needs some help right now?


42 thoughts on “How do we keep it together?

  1. Ah goodness. At 5 months, you’re still so traumatized. I think at that point after my first DDay I hit the anger/rage/I don’t want to do this anymore stage. I think we all do. I think it’s quite normal, and to be expected. I’m only 3 1/2 months out from our epic DDay #2 and I expect I’ll go through this again in a couple months too.

    One of the books that helped me was Not “just Friends” by Shirley Glass. It helped me realize that all of my feelngs were normal, and natural. That I wasn’t psychotic. After this second DDay I even needed to go on anti-depressants/anxiety meds because I just could NOT deal with the trauma at all.

    However, know that for some this *IS* a deal-breaker. And only you can answer that. Are you in therapy by chance? That’s helped me immensly, just to help ME be strong. I go both by myself and with my husband. But I go for ME.

    • RatherBeMe says:

      The amount of remorse being displayed now is the best it’s going to get. Ever! If it’s not enough to make you feel better, then prepare to move on with your life. The opportunities to find someone who you can trust, love and share your life with, are endless. Don’t be scared. You can walk away knowing that everyone will understand. True happiness is out there waiting for you. Are you going to get it by staying? Being a martyr is only good if you are dead.
      Stay if you want a life of pain, and a possible replay.
      I have been there, exactly the same place and the drugs to numb you work for a while, but it gets old living in the darkness.
      He made this situation, it’s up to him, and that has make the effort to correct it. If he is dragging his feet in response to your needs, it will always be the same.
      Something he needed was missing in your marriage. Has it been addressed?
      You need a guarantee. Not some chip on the shoulder, feel sorry for me type of remorse.
      Healing takes forever. IF……….it ever comes.

      • Not Over It says:

        @RatherBeMe – thank you. Interesting comment. So do you think it’s not worth it to stay if the wayward spouse does not show immediate remorse? I haven’t thought about that because it was not my situation. Maybe you’re right.

        In Liberty’s case, he has been doing all he can to make it up to her, and he says he is sorry and should never have gotten so close to the OW, but he remains adamant that they were just friends and never even discussed their problems or feelings with each other. Man, if I could have 5 cents for every cheating spouse who has ever said that… but I don’t know all the details, so…

        @ Liberty – you’ll have to figure this part out. Is he remorseful?

    • Not Over It says:

      @ Samantha — Thank you. Great input… Boy, have I felt psychotic now an then! Like you, Not Just Friends is one of my favorites and helped me to understand that I was not crazy or abnormal.

      My coach and I went through the deal-breaker thing for quite some time. Could I live with it? Forgiveness is a separate issue from being able to live with it and stay married. Both issues were a struggle for me.

      I admire the way you are handling Round Two of your healing, Samantha, and literally clapped my hands and shouted out when your husband landed a job and when he started to show understanding for your struggle. There now, see – I’m smiling from ear to ear again…

      Love & prayers,

    • nmwf1 says:

      Dear Samantha, Once was all my heart or soul could take, twice and i would throw in the towel. Your husband knew how much it destroyed you the first time, I can’t imagine doing it again. I think it is what we all fear in the back of our minds no matter how much they show remorse. I am still reeling with resentment of my husbands EA 14 months later. I still have total melt downs and rages with him, and I am in therapy now. But like you said everyone has there own breaking point. Some can go the distance, but some of us cannot. I am one that cannot go the distance twice. My husband has been my whole world, but a bomb went off right in the middle of it. And the fall out is a challenge.

      • I know some who can’t even take once, much less twice. I used to say I would NEVER accept infidelity. Now I don’t say “never”. My husband had multiple affiars, multiple AP’s. He’s a sex addict, in the beginning of recovery. I’m beyond scared, trust me.

        I didn’t think I could go through this once, certainly not more than once. Knowing he’s had sex with multiple women during our marriage, one of them for more than two years, it breaks me inside each time I think of it. However, with or without him, the pain will always be there.

        But, we have five children together. I owe it to myself, and my kids to see if we have something worth saving or not. Now that he’s admitted his addiction and is in recovery, I want to give him a chance to prove himself not only to himself, but to me.

        If it happens again?? No, I can’t go through this heartbreak all over again. And I will have to show my kids that I’m worth more.

      • Not Over It says:

        Very true, Samantha. I always acted so high and mighty before it actually happened to me. I said I would kick his ass out to the curb so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him. But here I am.

        Samantha has made the best decision for her family and for herself in her specific situation at this specific time. These cases are impossible to generalize. Hats off to you, Samantha. You are strong and flexible all in one.

        To NM – your specific case is different. You should not have to deal with this a second time, and I hope you never have to think about it. I don’t think you will, really. Your husband sounds like a good man who made some very bad choices and basically took you for granted. I doubt he’ll make that mistake again. He is trying hard to show you that he loves you. You are also a strong woman. You face deep PTSD symptoms bravely. You will make it.

        Love & prayers,

  2. Foolish Woman says:

    How do we keep it together?

    The truth is that sometimes we don’t. And that’s ok. As Samantha said – it’s normal.
    I know that early on the pain is just so awful that one just wants a speedy resolution and for everything to be the way it was before but, alas, it takes time to work ones way through the betrayal morass. Because everyone’s situation is slightly different, the amount of time it takes to feel better differs too.

    What helped me immensely was blogging and reading other blogs, joining support networks, reading every book I could get my hands on – and counselling.
    Having a deeply remorseful husband also helps. Although it took a few years to get to the absoute truth of what he’d done, had he not been genuinely sorry for his behaviour and the pain he’d caused me, I’d have thrown in the towel at an early stage.
    It also helped to see the positive things that emerged from the infidelity mess – but this was not something I was aware of in the early stages.

    Betrayal involves a huge amount of loss : loss of trust, loss of the relationship one thought one had, loss of ones self-esteem – so many losses. It helped me to read Eliz Kubler-Ross’ theory on mourning and to know that what I was experiencing was entirely normal and that things would eventually improve.

    Please be kind to yourself, Liberty – and know that there are many people out here who have been where you are today. We survived and we’re here to listen to you and support you.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey FW – thank you for commenting. You always have a way of making me feel better, and I think Liberty will feel the same.

      @Liberty – FW helped me greatly through the beginning stages, where you are now. I feel very blessed to have her continuing to comment when she knows I need her.

      • Foolish Woman says:

        You’re most welcome, DJ.
        I wouldn’t have got through the early days without the support of others who’d lived the same nightmare – and survived.
        This may well be the club no-one wanted to join – but aren’t we lucky to have each other!

      • Not Over It says:

        We most certainly are.

  3. Oh boy do I agree about the remorseful husband. During our year of false recovery I struggled so badly. Because I just *knew* that there was still a wall between us. That wall was the continued lies, the fact that he wasn’t remorseful, and his continued behavior through porn, and trying to have two more affairs. Once he got fired due to his behavior, that was the bottom he needed. OHHH it hurt. God did it hurt. I even burned some of his clothing in the driveway. It felt like such a knife in my heart.

    But that woke him up. He began going to sex addiction meetings, he began putting for effort in therapy and suddenly he began to really listen when I spoke. He began to get an understanding of my pain and the depth of what he caused. Noe, he won’t ever understand fully. But, he’s trying. He’s really really trying. But it took him awhile to get there.

    I know that I couldn’t give up on our marriage without trying to fight for it first. We have 5 children, and I needed them to know I’d done everything for us. And *I* needed to know I’d done everything.

    The stages of grief are definitely involved with infidelity. ANd sometimes you go through each stage more than once. On Death and Dying was one of the books our therapist suggested. ANd I reblogged a post of mine recently about infidelity compares to death in my world. Infidelity is traumatic. Remember that. I don’t see it as being a martyr when you’re trying to work you way through this.

    Hang in there Liberty.

    • Not Over It says:

      I guess if you had given up during that first year he never would have come to the point of rock bottom and seeing the truth of the matter. That makes it difficult to say that we should just up and leave if they don’t show remorse early on. I guess it’s like my coach often says – he hates generalizations. Every couple is unique and must be handled uniquely.

      My husband has been all over the radar with the way he has handled things, but my coach has always felt there was hope. My husband is now realizing that his guilt and remorse was so overwhelming that he tried to deny it at times. We are working on that right now.

      Thanks again!

      • Exactly. My husband was in massive denial. He compartmentalized so easily. Looking in the mirror and realizing the depth of what you’ve done in situations like this? Is fucking hard. However, in order to have a true reconciliation, they HAVE to. However, you also can’t force them to either. When they do come to it in their own time, that’s true remorse. Forcing them ends in false recovery and that’s a different kind of pain entirely.

  4. Liberty, You are not alone – though it may feel that way at times, there is a vast community out there who has been through or is going through the same thing you are. I am 15 months out from D-Day, and my husband has just started to “get it” in the last few months. We have been separated for the last 13 months, and it is still unclear if we will get back together. When things aren’t great, my mantra is a line from Florence and the Machine’s “Shake It Up” – “it’s always darkest before the dawn.” Repeating that in my head brings me back to center and gives me a sense of peace. I wish you all the best on this journey.

  5. Carol says:

    Hi, Liberty — I think the main thing for you to take away from everyone’s comments is that what you’re going through is completely NORMAL. You are grieving a loss: the loss of the marriage you thought you had, of the H you thought you had, of your ability to trust him, of the marriage and/or family you wanted.

    At four months or so, I had so much anger built up in me that I was ready to pull the plug. I was so emotional, so sick of dealing with this all-consuming mess, so tired of work and everything else being swallowed up in it. I kept reading blogs like this one and the EAJ site comments, all of which reassured me that my emotions were normal. I have children, and I do believe that once you have children you have to earn your way out of a marriage — you have to do all you can to try to save it before giving up. So my children, and my sense of who I want to be — I want to be someone who did all she reasonably could to keep *her* vows, to be a person of honor — kept me going. I do not and did not intend to be a martyr. Had my H not shown true remorse and made valiant attempts to change from the start, literally from about 2 days after D-day, things would have been different.

    I found release through playing music (always very physical for me), walking my dog (a little homeless dog I adopted in the middle of this mess — so that I would know there is at least one male on this planet who gives me absolute loyalty and unquestioning devotion, heh), and talking to my mother and a counselor (every two weeks or so). It is miserable, and it’s not your fault.

    My H did show a lot of remorse from early on, which helped. In my case, he had a co-worker — a married woman — who asked him what was wrong (he looked like he was ill). He was so shaken up that he told her what he’d done. She told him straight out that he had committed terrible and ‘serious sins’, and she literally grabbed his arm and marched him to confession. 🙂 She then told him he had to keep on loving me and praying, no matter how hard it got, no matter what I said and did. I owe her a tremendous amount; her words together with my insistence that he leave our home if he persisted in putting blame on me (which he tried to do in the first two days or so) woke him up in a hurry. I take her actions as a model: she wasn’t harsh to him; she hasn’t stopped associating with him or being friends with him — but she told him in no uncertain terms that he’d done grievous harm and would have to work hard to make up for it. If only more people in our society had so much respect for marriage, and such a clear sense of right and wrong . . .

    But my point is this: even with his remorse, even with his attempts to win back my trust, I still went through an incredible period of shock and turmoil, trying to come to grips with the fact that my H had lied to me and conducted EAs (with one physical encounter, ugh) on and off over 6 years, with all the attendant dishonesty and selfishness and cowardice one would expect. Who was this man I married? I was in shock, and grieving, and it is just HARD.

    My feeling now — a year from D-day — is that strong emotions come and go in waves. In the early months, a big wave would hit me several times a day. Then it gradually waned to once a day. Now it’s at several times a week, and the waves aren’t as big. Liberty — you have a great screen name. You *will* be liberated from this; it will take time and work, but you *can* get there.

  6. liberty830 says:

    Oh my gosh! Thank you all so much for your thoughtful advice. I am so grateful I found this blog and DJ. I know I would have walked out last week-end if it were not for her.

    I have been struggling to figure out why I feel worse now than I did at first, and I guess it’s normal. LOL or as normal as I can be 🙂

    When I first found out about my H’s 3 month EA I thought, okay I can deal with this, he was truely sorry and very remorseful. He assured me that he never had any feelings other than friendship this this girl. So, I thought we can fix this. Saw a counselor who thought I should get over it already! So, I hid a lot of emotion, thinking I was over reacting in being so angry and hurt. My H has been remorseful and helpful (although I am pushing the limits with him sometime). He has not left the house to go anywhere but work for 21 weeks. And he and I were both very social people before.

    I think I am afraid to forgive. What if I find out more really happened than he lead me to believe? I’m afraid for life to get “normal” again because that’s when he was lonely. I worked a lot of hours and I guess he felt I neglected him. I know he loves me, I really do.

    He does not understand that I am hurting so much for the man I thought he was. The man who I adored for 17 years. I know we were struggling the last few years, what with him losing a business and both of us working our asses off to survive! and me in menopause. He should have set me down and said we have a big problems and let’s try to fix it. BUT…..and that’s where I am stuck. Can I forgive if I don’t understand?

    Thanks everyone for listening and for your time you took to reply to me. It really does help!

    Liberty xoxo

  7. Foolish Woman says:

    Hi Liberty
    Apologies for this lengthy comment but you raise some interesting points.
    I can understand your fears about there being more to discover. I spent years being in the Braced Position, waiting for the next thing to hit me.
    I think that you firstly need to decide if you need to know. Some of us do, others don’t. Either is normal – and of course, there may be nothing else to know.

    I managed to forgive my husband each and every time more details emerged. It wasn’t easy but I think my acceptance gave him the confidence to finally spill the last details without me forcing it out of him – though that took nearly two years. As you’ll no doubt see, I fall into the first camp of those needing to know every last detail.
    There’s no hard rule about forgiveness. It’s yours to give – or not – and either is ok.
    I found some words by Lewis B Smedes which helped me.

    “Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

    Anyway – you’ll know if and when you’re ready.

    As for life becoming normal again?
    Is it possible to sit down with your husband and have a really open conversation about what each of you need out of your relationship? It might take several such conversations but this might help you find your New Normal.
    Our new normal was something very positive that came out of the mess – a phoenix of hope rising from the ashes of our old relationship.
    We’ve been married a loooong time and had slipped into a sloppy complacency. We were together but running on parallel tracks rather than being in the same carriage, on the same train! At one stage we literally weren’t even in the same country!

    I won’t say it was easy to get here. I had to accept responsibility for my part in creating the climate in which it was possible for my husband to be unfaithful. Of course – that ultimate decision was his!

    When it comes to dealing with this stuff there is no rule book. The rest of us can only tell you what worked for us personally – and hope that some small things may help you navigate your own path through.
    The only thing I can categorically promise is that one day you will feel a lot better. Really!

    • Not Over It says:

      This brought me a renewed sense of hope as well, FW. As I always say, you have such a way of helping me to feel like I’m not so alone. Then you pull me out of the muck to see the possibilities ahead. Thank you again.

  8. AngelWings says:

    Hello everyone and DJ! I know I haven’t commented for a few months, but here I am catching up just in time. Seems like this post was made not just for Liberty, but for me too at this time. Liberty, I too, can attest that what you are dealing with are normal emotions. My H had a 6 month EA with an ex-gf from way back in to when he was 14 or so!! Here were are married over 22 years and then this happens!! He has shown remorse and I think the thought of how close he came to really losing his family over “her” stopped him dead in his tracks! What hurts the most at times is that I never doubted his love and loyalty to me and now I do. Anyhow….

    I think back to the three/four months after Dday and how angry I was. It was so out of the norm for me since I rarely get so angry with him or people in general. Then the saddness hit. The reality of what was lost~my trust in him, in myself, my self esteem, everything others have mentioned. This hit me around the 4th/5th month. I did have to get on anti-depressents at that time for a few months and for me they helped. I managed to get off of them for a while, but am now dealing with the “empty nest” syndrome and my saddness and depression are back. Having all this extra time on my hands isn’t such a great thing since lately all I’ve been thinking about is his EA. Trying my best to keep myself busy.

    Even now 17 mths later, I still have set backs as I think most of us do. This is why I came back onto these sites, not only to catch up with everyone, but get the sanity I needed back. Yes, reading everyone’s comments and DJ’s blog helps me realize I am not alone and I will get past this trigger once again. I fell back into the hole of despair for a few days, but even as I type this I feel better knowing others understand.

    Communication is important. Whether in person, email or text, let your H know how you are feeling. I usually text my H when I get into this despair and haven’t done so this time since he’s been so busy with work. Texting him first is easier for me to let him know how I’m feeling and gives him time to think about my feelings before he sees me in person. This way by then we can talk about it and not be in a defensive mode. I know now as I read these comments and post and from previous experience that I need to let him know how I’m feeling. It helps take the weight off my chest and tends to get me grounded again.

    Thank you DJ and everyone else. I know this was suppose to be more for Liberty, but at this time, I needed it too. Will do my best to stay in touch and Liberty this is a great place to come to “vent” and get great advice from those who truly understand your pain. I wish you the best.

    • Not Over It says:

      Angelwings! Good to hear from you! Indeed this is a good post with which to start up again. Your story is similar to Liberty’s and I’m sure will make a difference for her. And I know you understand how uplifting it is to share with everyone this way. It’s a win-win all around. I find that so nice to say because I talk so often about affairs being no-win situations. At least we can find solace in our place here.

      Love & prayers,

  9. liberty830 says:

    Hi everyone, I am glad that I am not alone and I’m sorry I am not alone! Because then no one would be unhappy. Let me ask another question of everyone ( hope it’s alright DJ) I am wondering what you all think of contacting the OW? Not to bitch at her or be mean but to see about finding out the story? Do you think they are honest in these situations? I have not done anything yet, not sure I even would but just wanted to throw it out and see if anyone has done it.

    I am taking everyone’s advice to heart and trying not be be so down on myself.

    I just struggle with wanting to ask my H the same questions over and over again, he’s answered them already, I don’t know what I am looking for? But, that’s the times I need someone to talk to but I have not told anyone about this so I have no one to tell me stop doing that!

    Thanks! Liberty

  10. […] November 6, 2012 at 2:03 pm  (Edit) […]

  11. Teresa says:

    Liberty, my H also says that he had a “friends only” EA….it last for four months, until I found out on Jan.1st, 2011. Almost 2 yrs it’s been and I STILL question how they could have been “just friends”! So I understand where you are coming from! I got this from EAJ blog Nd it really seemed to help me understand the “just friends” excuse from my H….maybe it will help you?

    But We’re Just Friends!

    A common plea: But, we’re “just friends.” However the “emotional connection” is quite obvious by the amount of time spent in communication and the “vibes” that are set off.

    These emotional connections often arise at work or in a social context in which working intensively toward a common goal consumes energy.
    Here are a few observations of the “just friends” emotional affair:

    1. This person often struggles knowing where to draw the line. S/he often throws him/herself into something 100%. Other aspects of his/her life may suffer or be ignored.
    There often is a lack of personal balance between family, work, self care.

    2. He/she struggles with intimacy. (I want to be close to someone, but don’t like intimacy.)
    The “just friends” emotional affair means neither spouse nor OP (other person) ever get “intimate.” Neither relationship is fully consummated or has potential for growth.

    3. Of course the “just friends” comment means either “stay away” or “I’m, underneath all this, really confused about where I fit in relationships, what I want from them, or what they mean to me.” There is an “emotional connection” to the OP that defies description. A sad kind of “stuckness or lostness.”

    Hope this helps you, Liberty….my H is an Avoider ( anything that screams Emotional, he runs away from….he’s an island unto himself, and I’m constantly paddling around him, trying to see where I can land!

    Several of you have mentioned your H showing true remorse…what does that look like?? Is that saying they’re sorry? Is that stopping all contact? Is it letting you rant and rave, and just sitting there, and saying its all their fault?
    What IS true remorse?? I don’t know if I’ve seen it from my H… tears, EVER, no sobbing uncontrollably, no on his knees begging for forgiveness…silence when my ranting goes on for to long. Leaving me alone when I’m hurting, not always, but more times than I care to remember… what IS true remorse??

    I’m sitting here alone, on a Sunday morning, wondering if after almost 2 yrs of work, ON MY PART, my H fully admits that the first yr after Dday. He really didn’t take EA recovery seriously, he just thought I should get over it already, he has read a few books, but never implemented what he read into affair recovery…. 2 yrs trying to forgive my H….and now I wonder if my marriage is over.
    About six weeks ago my H received a text message from a girl named Sarah….my H NEVER gets text mess. The message was ” Can you meet me at the Verizon store across from the mall, in Carson City” …..OF COURSE, my antenna went up, it blew through the roof! My H goes to CC about 2-3 times a month for business….of course my H denied knowing who this person was, said it had to be a mistake. So I responded to the text and said ” Who are you trying to contact, this is “Scott’s ” phone….To which Sarah replied” Oh sorry my mistake”.

    So ok, those things happen sometimes. Right? I had a huge fight with my H over it though, because it set off sooooo many triggers and he as acted like it was no big deal, did NOT try to reassure me at all, etc….which truly pissed me off! Told me that he still didn’t get it!!

    So last night, guess who texted my H again….Sarah!!
    This time it was ” Hey, this is Sarah, what size clothes does Eli wear”? Stupid question to get upset about, right? But of course my EA ladled brain sees coded words here!!
    So I looked at my H and said” It’s her again, Sarah” and his response was “We’ll, I don’t know any Sarah, I told you that already”….so I text her back and said ” This is “Scott’s” phone….and she said, “Oh sorry, this is the number of a friend of mine from a long time ago” ….Well, my H has had that number for over a year and a half!!!
    If Sarah was good enough friends with Eli’s mom, to ask what
    size he wears….don’t you think she’d know that wasn’t her number?? And you know what has me so worried is that after the first text last night, my H denied knowing her, he then very calmly changed the subject!! Asked me about dinner plans for today….like it was NO BIG FREAKING DEAL!! My gut is screaming at me….GUILTY! But I can’t trust my gut anymore!!
    So I went over the edge. Straight down to the bottom of the pit! Accused my H of cheating again. He denies it, said he loves me and only me, that he’d be a fool to throw away his family….but he was a fool before, so why not again!!
    I moved into the spare room!!! I can’t do this anymore, the pain is to great!!
    All the trust I worked sooooooooooo hard for is gone! Wiped out!!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Teresa – OMG. I’m sorry I wasn’t online yesterday. I would totally flip out as well. It’s an awful position to be in right now. And your husband is so like mine in this area – he has no clue what to do so he tries to make like there is no problem. Oh, I wish I could be with you right now.

      I also do not believe Sarah’s story. Doesn’t make sense to be asking about someone’s clothes size to a number she hasn’t called in a year and a half or to be calling the same number twice without checking to see if she had the wrong number the second time. Does your husband know an Eli? Did she know it was you texting back the first time? Is he scheduled to go to Carson City soon?

      I have been where you are. I think that has a lot to do with why I still struggle a lot. I know there is not much that will distract you at this moment, but maybe there is something that could take your mind off things for a bit? Take care of yourelf, Theresa.

      Love & prayers,

  12. Liberty says:

    Hi Theresa, our situations sound alike! I am not sure which catagory my H fits into. He is very intimate with me always been very loving and affectionate so maybe that’s why I am so confused….

    I totally get the random text. I would have flipped out too. I don’t believe in innocent things happening anymore. I am suspicious too. So, I feel for you.

    Did you tell anyone or talk to anyone?? My problem is I have no one to talk to because I havent told. I just don’t feel anyone could understand unless they have been thru it. So, is you want to talk I would be happy to listen. If you want you can email me

    I hope your day got a liitle better. I know myself I had a rough night and awake most of it too.

    Take care. Liberty

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Liberty – I’m glad you are reaching out to Teresa. Sharing with someone who is also going through it helps both people.

      I have also told no one in my real life so I understand how lonely this road is. Like you, I did not sleep well for months. I still have trouble occasionally. Hope your day today is going well…

      Love & prayers,

  13. Teresa says:

    Hi…I’m back, had to take a break for awhile. To get my head back on straight! I actually “rebounded” faster than I thought I would! YAY! I guess I AM getting better!
    So OF COURSE my H and I have been doing A LOT of talking since the text message came in….I do believe him that he doesn’t know who this person is…He looks right into my eyes, telling me that he doesn’t know her…and he put his hand on a bible and SWORE that he has no other woman in his life but me!
    We are Christians, so for him to swear on his bible, well, I took that as a good sign…of course, he could be a pathological liar also, lol! But I have been with him for over 25 yrs….you would think I’d know that by now, right???
    Anyway, I’m just trying to get my trust back, I checked all the phone records, there are no other numbers on there, and my H works out of our home, so I pretty much know where he is during the day….of course, we all KNOW, where there’s a will there’s a way….and he IS a cheater, after all!
    Thanks for all your support! I’m just taking one day at a time, which is all any of us can do, right??
    I just wish my H could cry….to see the remorse in such a visible way would really help me out sooo much!!
    Liberty. Thx so much! I’ll send you an email soon! This week is crazy, but I’ll try to get off a quick email to ya!

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank the Lord, Teresa, that you are alright. I figured you needed a break, but I went looking for you on EAJ, just to be sure you were ok. I saw a forum comment, so then I relaxed a little, but I am so glad to hear from you.

      Yay! How wonderful that the two of you are working through this, and that you believe he doesn’t have another woman in his life. I have breathed a sigh of relief.

      I don’t believe my husband is cheating now, but we have gone from bad to worse in our relationship. He is trying to bully me into “getting over it.” After all this time, he still does not understand. Coach James said he wished my husband would read my blog so that he could see how things are for all of us, but there’s no way that’s going to happen. He knows the name of it and he’s read a few posts here and there, but he can’t handle it. He feels ashamed that people are reading about his infidelity, even though no one knows who he really is.

      Ok, so that’s my rant for today… again, Teresa, I’m so glad you’re ok.

      Love & prayers,

      • Teresa says:

        DJ….thank you for caring! I can tell, you’re such a sweetheart, you really are!! 🙂
        I’m finding that the triggers are back, the nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, etc….and it makes me soooo angry at my H! But most times I don’t say anything to him….really, what’s the point? He just doesn’t get the pain he has caused…he says he does, but you and I both know they don’t get it!
        One “good” thing that has come out of this latest “episode” is that my oldest son told me that he and his brother, my second oldest, talked and they are going to take my H out for coffee after Thanksgiving and have a talk with him!
        I guess they’re tired of seeing me so emotional, and hurting! Hopefully this will REALLY wake my H up!
        I mean, he IS doing better, reading some articles on EA healing, talking a bit more open with me….but there is something there that is NOT working for me!
        It’s like he’s doing all of this because its expected, not because he’s so emotionally invested in helping me to heal….does that make sense? Or maybe it’s just me not wanting to give him a break?? Who knows!

        DJ, you know what I’d tell your H? If it were me I’d say “Listen up, buddy, you had your BIG FUN for six years…the LEAST you could do is let ME grieve for six yrs, you big dope…YOU did this so how DARE you try to tell me that I have a time limit!!”
        You’re a big softie, aren’t ya, DJ? Yep, I know you are…nothing wrong with that, but girl, you HAVE to stand up for yourself! I didn’t say anything before, but when you said that he’s still getting emails from the same reunion group that the cow is involved in? No way!! That would be a deal breaker with me!!
        To bad if his friends find out…you play with fire…you get burned!!
        Just me two cents 😀
        Thanks for your concern….keep me in your prayers…and I’ll do the same! 😉

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi Teresa,

        Oh, you’re making me blush… I have just come to care about you through reading your words both on EAJ and here on my blog. You are a gem.

        Perhaps if our husbands really did get it, they would not be able to deal with the guilt. It’s already hard enough for them to live with it – maybe it’s a defense mechanism to keep them from going insane. I know a man in my real life who left his wife 6 years ago for another woman. It didn’t take long for him to realize what an awful mistake he had made. His wife was so devastated that she was unable to work for a year and is still seeing several doctors. He couldn’t bring himself to even face her, much less ask if he could come home. He has lost his business and his home and he cannot work regularly. He’s getting worse, not better, and I’m afraid he will end up on the streets or something. He doesn’t feel he deserves a good life. His wife has since found God and has turned her life around. She invited him to a couple family functions. He went to the first one. He said he couldn’t do it again. He cannot look at her without falling apart.

        It’s just a thought… I am turning a lot of things over in my mind right now… maybe our husbands just can’t without completely losing their minds. Maybe?

        Yes, I have been too soft with my husband, and he definitely takes advantage of that. No more. We had a blowout this past weekend that hardened my heart. I am done with being responsible and accepting and calm.

        I’m sorry to hear that you’ve taken a step backwards in your recovery. Even if it turned out that those phone calls were nothing, it still lighted up all the red flags and warning signals in your brain. They will need time to settle down again.

        Have you tried Tai Chi? My martial arts classes involve Tai Chi and Chi Gung, both of which involve meditation. It is having a wonderful impact on me. My fibro is so much more under control, and I am handling things much better. Learning to control one’s breathing and the flow of energy through and around the body really does change you in many ways.

        Hope your day is going well…

        Love & prayers,

  14. Liberty says:

    Hi everyone! Sorry DJ, you are having a rough time now! It just drives me crazy how these H’s of ours just want us to get over it! And no wonder when I had a counselor tell me the same thing! Even my H says, see the counselor even said that.

    I wanted to share something kind of amusing that happened to us on Thursday. I was not having a good day, getting a migraine so I went home from work early and my H was home. We started talking and I said something about his cell phone was a big trigger for me and I was sick of myself for having the urge to check it all the time. He was standing at the stove and he turned around and grabbed a cast iron skillet and smashed his phone into little pieces. There he said, now you don’t have to worry about my phone. So, one problem down, now if I could just solve the rest of the problems so easily! LOL

    We are starting with a new counselor in two weeks and I’m excited…and my H is being so good. Yesterday when I couldnt control myself and asked to many questions and just felt so sorry for myself he answered as best as he could and didnt get upset with me. Just kept telling me he is sorry and he loves me and wants to be married to me. Maybe it is going to get easier.

    Thanks DJ for being here. I look forward to catching up at the end of the day and see how everyone is doing.

    Take care everyone!! Liberty xoxo

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey Liberty – now that is a sign of affection – smashing his phone to smitherines! LOL! I love it!

      It sounds like your husband will be open to doing the work to help you heal and to heal your marriage. I’m so glad. I will continue to pray that the long road ahead will be as smooth as possible.

      Love & prayers,

  15. Teresa says:

    Liberty…I LOVE it! I wish my H would have done that! Instead he kept the same phone and number for over 4 mos, until I had a total meltdown over it! Only then did he change the number and get a new phone! I would get so upset with myself, letting such a small device trigger me! UGH!
    I will tell you, I’m impressed with the actions your H is taking…you will heal a lot faster if he keeps it up!
    I had a Pastor at a local church that offered counseling ( good wife that I am, I didn’t go to MY Pastor, wanted to “protect” my H’s reputation…HA!) and that Pastor actually told me that this was a “small blip on a 25 yr marriage!! Can you believe that??
    Obviously, I never went back! I do wonder how many women have been hurt with such stupid advice!!
    DJ, I’m glad you stood up for yourself! I have found with my H, when I stand up for myself that he seems to take another step forward!
    I think they will only go so far, hoping we’ll be OK with that and then leave them alone!
    It works for awhile, but then I get so frustrated because its like we stall, and I just want to be done with this!
    Oh, BTW, it wasn’t phone calls that my H got, it was two text messages, about 6 weeks apart…and when my H goes to C.C. It’s just for the day, usually about 2-3 hrs, then he’s home for the rest of the day…so it’s not like he can be meeting anyone for hours on end, you understand? And he calls and talks to me on the way there, a 1 1/2 hr trip and on the way back….so if Sarah is a person in his life…she only sees him for a very short time, so that’s why, after I calmed down, I started thinking that this was just a fluke!

    • Not Over It says:

      Yep, Teresa, flukes do occur, and I’m glad for that in your case right here.

      I had to write right away and tell you… guess what? My husband showed up in my lab today with lunch. We have not made up since our big blowout so I guess this was his white flag. We were kind of quiet but we ate together and he made small talk – and he hates small talk – and I mostly listened and looked at his hands. I have always loved his hands…

      He never apologized, which is typical of him after arguments, but he was very sweet. I will not be moved. He is not going to sweet talk me into letting everything go… again.

      Thank you for reminding me to stand up and be strong.

      Love & prayers,

    • Libertyl says:

      Hi Theresa, Im glad your feeling a little better. I was too, until last night….oh well, just another step backwards.

      I am glad you decided the text were a fluke!

      I did recieve your email…will write soon. I’m having a bad night so I think I am going to call it a night!

      Take care!!! Liberty

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