Dear Karma

 

Just saying… it’s one of those days…

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15 thoughts on “Dear Karma

  1. ChangedForever says:

    Wondering…what happened today?

  2. Not Over It says:

    Hey CF – My husband and his OW were high school classmates, and a bunch of them became friends again when the school had a big anniversary gala. Some of them knew about my husband and her and encouraged them to act like a couple in their secret little group. They do not know that I know. One of them sent both my husband and me an email today announcing a mini reunion. Like I would ever want to see any of them ever again…

    I have kept my husband’s dirty little secret from the rest of the world so he doesn’t want to cut off contact entirely with any alumni because it would look suspicious. I have put up with daily emails among the group and the sharing of pictures which include the OW and her sister. He and his OW have not been in direct contact but there is always email with both their names on the list and pictures and such. Whenever he visits his family in his hometown, they all gather for parties. She doesn’t live there, either, so he has not seen her since Dday, but it’s bound to happen sometime. He insists that he cannot give up this group without everybody finding out, and he cannot deal with that. I have made a fuss about it but have allowed him to bowl me over and cross the boundary lines on this one time and again.

    So there are a bunch of people out there who have never suffered any consequences for their actions… and a woman who should pay a much bigger price than she has. Forgiveness, as you know, is a process, and most of the time I can lay it at God’s feet and say I give it all up to Him. But sometimes, like today, something will trigger me and I want to tear someone to pieces… any of them will do. Sorry if I sound a little barbaric today…

    Sending love & prayers to you, and saying some for me, too!
    DJ

  3. DJ – You are a very wise woman and I don’t want to cross the line here, please keep this in mind. But, also you have a way of making me feel less alone, because I can write here and share, but I am a bit angry with your husband on this one. I would like to say that, I truly believe that whatever you want your husband to do, to make you feel better, he must do! I know you know this and not always, we can get it.

    If the OW is part of this group, he should absolutely not even dare to find excuses to carry on contact with these people. In another hand, – any excuse – should be used to cut contact, and who cares if it looks awkward for him? It seems as you say, some of them would already know the reason, as they were encouraging them? Others would find out nothing, unless it came directly from the offending part, or the hurt one. People move away, give up groups, meetings, all the time, for lack of time, lack of desire to be in touch, etc….You must not carry on suffering to protect your husband. The consequences of his behavior IS to give up this privilege (and others). It makes me angry that he can not see through this one. I wish I could meet him and give him a smack to the side of his head, to put somethings right in his head!

    I am myself very angry (and very sad) with my own husband this last couple of days, for trying to book a table at one that used to be a favorite restaurant, but also one that he took his OW, and I have never been back there since. I don’t think that he knew that I knew and was chocked! He gave me a stupid explanation of not wanting what he did at that time to dictate what we do, or the places where we go now. And, that one day he hopes me to be over this trigger! Heavens fell down with this! ‘- OK, lets go there, and in all the other places you were with her. Tell me where you sat, what you drunk and ate. How you held her, and what you talked about, and laughed, while you ignored your vows and ME! We should finish with tea at her place so I can ask her, ALL the questions buzzing in my head! All that you talked to her while holding her in your arms! Am sure I will be over this then!”

    He understood this one! He is so sorry, but I am back some steps. This is hard! But still, we have a nice weekend planed, a long walk in the country side, and I want to enjoy it! I don’t know where we keep getting strength to keep going, but we do!

    I wish someone would tell me that Karma has finally found the OW. I live for that day!

    DJ. I have you in my prayers, and wishing you peace and love.

  4. Not Over It says:

    Hi TTW – I’m glad your husband understood. I would never want to sit in a restaurant that I knew they had been in, or any other place they had been. I’m sure it is an extra burden on those whose spouses brought their affair partners into their homes…

    Thank you for your kind words. I do not feel wise, especially when I consider the way I have allowed my husband to trample all over my boundaries on this one. My coach has scolded me on this one, too, saying pretty much the same thing you are saying. I have such a soft spot for my husband and I have let him have his way in far too much.

    I had just read your comment and I was contemplating what I would say to my husband to stop the nonsense when he called. He is away on a business trip and called me from the office just to say hi. I was surprised and fumbled over my words at first. He thought I was busy getting ready for work so he led the conversation and told me about his day. Very unusual for him to just make chit chat… it was so sweet. He has really stepped up his game this past week. I see how much he’s trying to do what I need in a loving and positive way.

    Such a change… just last week he was mean and cruel. Sometimes he almost seems manic… maybe he is. I was convinced that he was during his affair. I could never tell whether he would be in an ok mood or whether he would walk in and bite my head off for something irrational.

    So in light of our current status, I’m not going to bring up the alumni issue right now. But I will – in a nice way. It sets me back every time one of them shares pictures of one of their gatherings. Receiving emails from anyone in that group, and seeing her name on the recipient list along with his sticks pins into my heart. Thank you for your input. I needed someone to tell me that I need to rethink my position here. My coach will enjoy hearing this one.

    Hope you are off to a great weekend – sending much love and many prayers for you, too…

    DJ

  5. AGREED! No long list for me, however, just one unfortunate excuse for a woman. From the looks of things, I believe that Lady Karma had paid her a visit, but not long enough to my liking. Karma needs to move in permanently and be her bff roomie forever. Yes I’m rambling and thank you for listening… Love you my dear! Wish you lots and lots of healing.

  6. Not Over It says:

    You so funny – bff roomie! LOL!

    You have been in a hard situation. That woman has both been in your house and still worked with your husband afterwards. You are a strong woman, Fighter… really and truly a fighter and survivor. I would probably have crumbled under the stress.

    Take care of yourself and have a great weekend!

    Love you, too-
    DJ

  7. eatmyscabs says:

    that’s pretty funny! just like in the game of Life there’s always a reckoning. and i believe it will all get flushed out then .

    • Not Over It says:

      Lol – that’s right! I’ve learned that if I find some way to poke fun at my negative feelings, it helps to make them go away, or at least fade them into the background.

      Hope you are well, EMS…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  8. exercisegrace says:

    Hi DJ, I have to say that while I am far from an expert, I think it is very dangerous for him to continue to have an open channel into her world. Email updates, photos, etc. all seem dangerous to me. A potential temptation and slippery slope. He could read something that might trigger him to contact (a serious illness, an accident, etc) when really what happens in her world should be unknowable. Further, I will sound like a real meanie here, but he made some choices for which there are serious consequences. I think one of them should be owning up to what he did and bowing out of the group. If most of the group is clueless, then they could send things to him that he shouldn’t be seeing or hearing or that be a trigger.
    Having said all that, you are far wiser than I, and you have been on this journey far longer. We have dealt with a flirtatious person in our world and that alone nearly sent me over the edge. I can’t imagine seeing anything to do with the OW. You are one of the strongest women I know.

    • Not Over It says:

      HI EG – you are absolutely right, and I needed to hear it from friends to finally get it through my head that I need to do something about this. I will find the right time to make my point with him. I know he knows – he just doesn’t want to face it, so he screams and fights and makes all kinds of fuss to avoid it. Thank you and everyone here…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  9. Carol says:

    DJ, here is proof that you are a nicer person than I am. 🙂 By now, I would have probably been unable to resist the temptation to hit ‘reply all’ on one of these messages with a note informing everyone that they should no longer send updates to my H as he had an affair with [unsavory woman’s name here] and their messages cause me and my family incredible pain. I’d also advise everyone on the list to keep a close eye on their Hs as [unsavory woman] clearly has no regard for other people’s marriages, families, common decency, etc. 🙂

    So: you have much more restraint and decency than I do! Here’s hoping your H will be receptive to you on this.

    • Not Over It says:

      Lol – you so funny. I have to admit that the thought of ratting them out to everyone on those mailing lists has been tempting… I have come as close as writing such a letter and reading it OVER AND OVER again. Mwahahahaha… But I never sent it.

      Joking aside, for all that my husband has done to me, he is still the love of my life, and I wouldn’t intentionally hurt him unless I firmly believed it was for his betterment. And it doesn’t feel like I would be doing this for anyone’s betterment. It would be revenge. And as much as you joke around and say you wouldn’t be able to resist, I think I have read enough of your heart here and on EAJ to know that you wouldn’t, either. I know you’re a sweetie. 😉

      But wouldn’t that just beat all to see the looks on everyone’s faces if I sent it… 🙂

      Hope you are well –

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  10. Paula says:

    You know, you think the world, and your friends, and his friends, will be shocked if you “rat them out” – guess what – people generally don’t really care that much! Shocking, but true. Kind of, “how does that affect me.” However, I would definitely not let him keep correspondence going with this group. Certainly not under the current circumstances. All partners maybe need to be fully included, in all emails, and invited to all events. No question.

    Yes, those of us who have had these people in our homes, included in our lives, have another layer to our burden. I am tapping this out on the very couch that they f$%#^d on – I sit on it every day, lol. However, there could be anywhere in this house, and in our holiday home, where they did the deed. I know many of the exact places, and my imagination takes care of the rest, even when I have been told where they DIDN’T. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter, it happened, where, when, etc is almost irrelevant and can (and does!) just do your head in!

    Love and light to all on this journey

    • Not Over It says:

      Good points, Paula. I am going to talk with him about that group in front of a counselor. Making plans for it today – I’m going to try my daughter’s counselor. From what my daughter says, she is very good.

      I have talked to my husband numerous times about it to no avail. Hopefully a counselor can get through to him. The other day a blogger who was a cheating spouse posted about being contacted by her OM. It seems it was not the first time. She is playing with fire and it doesn’t seem that she follows a transparency agreement with her husband. Reading about this reinforced my resolve to get this matter taken care of.

      I like your attitude on the places it happened. Hopefully I can get there one day… right now, my first thought to sitting on the couch where they f#&*! is, “Ewwww… gross.” Just sitting on the couch where I sat when I found the emails sometimes brings back a flood of memories. Just sometimes…

      Hope you are well, Paula –

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  11. Paula says:

    Thanks DJ, don’t worry, there are days when I still just want to walk away from it all – and if I didn’t still have two high school aged children at home, I believe I probably would have by now – not because he hasn’t done the work, or tried desperately to make it up to me, learned SOOOO much, but because I am STILL unsure of whether I am short-changing myself, whether I CAN live with a man who didn’t care about me for a while, when all I have ever done is love and worry, and “look after” him. I have become one of those women I thought must be nuts. I, in part, have stayed for THEIR financial security (WTF!!!) – I know I can support myself, but they are clever, and wonderful, and deserve to be able to do what they want, to get a good tertiary education, etc, I’m not sure we can do that if we split – and because we actually are still best friends, even throughout all of this stupidity! I believe they weren’t in my bed, but I know they were in my son’s (which happens to be the same bed that two of our three children were conceived in, not that he has any idea about that!) I couldn’t enter his room for a year, other than to burn that linen, too! I know they were in the bed in my holiday home – I am a bit of a scrooge, and couldn’t bring myself to throw out an almost brand new (two year old) native timber king size bed, but I burned the linen – and every towel she could possibly have used! And I didn’t really have the money to replace them! As I said before, it happened. For real. And I can’t change that 😦

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