Two years out… it feels like it’s been an eternity. My world is not the same anymore. I am not the same anymore. My whole existence stopped and changed on Dday – Discovery day – the day I discovered my husband’s betrayal. I now divide my life into pre-Dday and post-Dday.
My grief over the loss of the love and the life I thought I had was hard and long. In fact, I am still grieving. It’s just not as bad now as it was when I was shell shocked and drowning in disbelief. As many of us have said in our blogs, however, it does still hurt.
Life seems pretty normal these days in many ways. I have always tended to be a workaholic, just like my husband is, and we work a lot. We also play a lot and we enjoy a variety of activities with a variety of people. We laugh and joke and from the outside it seems that all is well. None of our friends or extended family would guess that we were recovering from anything. But we still are. We are NOT OVER IT. But we are learning to live through it and live with it.
The pain is less, and though it is still there, it’s not all the time. I go through hours without pain sometimes. When I do have pain, it doesn’t knock me out of commission anymore. It just still grays over everything, as I’ve written about before. Sometimes a bit more than that, but nowhere near the overwhelming pain that it was before. The lack of focus still plagues me. My emotions still can’t get off the roller coaster. But I am living life and enjoying many things. We all learn to compartmentalize things in order to live again.
I do love my husband, but it’s still tinged with sadness. I only noticed this last week, but whenever I tell my husband that I love him, it is with a resolute seriousness. It is the same with him. We feel the weight of what we almost lost.
I think I would be farther along in recovery if my husband hadn’t screwed up so many times. That’s to be expected, though. Cheating spouses are in their own world of turmoil and often cannot see that they are making things worse for the betrayed spouse. My husband’s last screw-up has thrown me back a long way. I am very depressed right now. I am wearing that lead apron that I have written about. It will go away again in time, I’m sure.
There was a scene in Vampire Diaries that related to my world of infidelity quite well. My daughter watches the show and has gotten me hooked, too. In that scene, the main character Elena is talking to a friend. She says she is not the same girl anymore since becoming embroiled in the world of vampires and witches and ghosts. She feels lost. Her friend tells her that she has to let go of who she was before. She is a new Elena and she is doing a wonderful job of dealing with everything. He tells her to say goodbye to the old Elena and they joke about holding a funeral for her. She feels that if she lets go of her old life and wholeheartedly accepts her new life, she will be a disappointment to her dead parents and to herself. She is involved with things her old self would never have accepted, and it was difficult for her to come to terms with it all. But she does.
Replace the world of vampires with the world of infidelity and you have my life. Like Rick Reynolds said in his fabulous article on the cost of infidelity, it is a high price you pay when you accept infidelity into a marriage. But like Elena, I am learning to accept.
I bought a journal while on my trip called the Serenity Journal. It is based on the Serenity Prayer. Most people have seen the first verse but there’s more. I am still reflecting on the first line… the prayer asks for serenity, not joy. Is that my new normal?
God grant me the serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace,
Taking as HE did this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will,
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
And AMEN. Two years and I am stronger, smarter, and I am grateful for the friends I have made and the things I have learned. This day commemorates an important step in the right direction. On this day two years ago, my husband was forced to come clean and start on the road to honesty and integrity. START on the road… he didn’t do it all at once, but he started and he is still working towards it. I accept that. The way it happened still hurts like hell, but it was necessary to put him back on the path towards a good, clean life again. I accept that, too.