Two Years Out and seeking serenity

Two years out… it feels like it’s been an eternity.  My world is not the same anymore.  I am not the same anymore.  My whole existence stopped and changed on Dday – Discovery day – the day I discovered my husband’s betrayal.   I now divide my life into pre-Dday and post-Dday.

My grief over the loss of the love and the life I thought I had was hard and long.  In fact, I am still grieving.  It’s just not as bad now as it was when I was shell shocked and drowning in disbelief.  As many of us have said in our blogs, however, it does still hurt.

Life seems pretty normal these days in many ways.  I have always tended to be a workaholic, just like my husband is, and we work a lot.   We also play a lot and we enjoy a variety of activities with a variety of people.  We laugh and joke and from the outside it seems that all is well.  None of our friends or extended family would guess that we were recovering from anything.  But we still are.  We are NOT OVER IT.  But we are learning to live through it and live with it.

The pain is less, and though it is still there, it’s not all the time.  I go through hours without pain sometimes.  When I do have pain, it doesn’t knock me out of commission anymore.  It just still grays over everything, as I’ve written about before.  Sometimes a bit more than that, but nowhere near the overwhelming pain that it was before.  The lack of focus still plagues me.  My emotions still can’t get off the roller coaster.  But I am living life and enjoying many things.  We all learn to compartmentalize things in order to live again.

I do love my husband, but it’s still tinged with sadness.  I only noticed this last week, but whenever I tell my husband that I love him, it is with a resolute seriousness.  It is the same with him.  We feel the weight of what we almost lost.

I think I would be farther along in recovery if my husband hadn’t screwed up so many times.  That’s to be expected, though.  Cheating spouses are in their own world of turmoil and often cannot see that they are making things worse for the betrayed spouse.  My husband’s last screw-up has thrown me back a long way.  I am very depressed right now.  I am wearing that lead apron that I have written about.  It will go away again in time, I’m sure.

There was a scene in Vampire Diaries that related to my world of infidelity quite well.  My daughter watches the show and has gotten me hooked, too.  In that scene, the main character Elena is talking to a friend. She says she is not the same girl anymore since becoming embroiled in the world of vampires and witches and ghosts. She feels lost. Her friend tells her that she has to let go of who she was before. She is a new Elena and she is doing a wonderful job of dealing with everything. He tells her to say goodbye to the old Elena and they joke about holding a funeral for her. She feels that if she lets go of her old life and wholeheartedly accepts her new life, she will be a disappointment to her dead parents and to herself.  She is involved with things her old self would never have accepted, and it was difficult for her to come to terms with it all.  But she does.

Replace the world of vampires with the world of infidelity and you have my life.  Like Rick Reynolds said in his fabulous article on the cost of infidelity, it is a high price you pay when you accept infidelity into a marriage.  But like Elena, I am learning to accept.

I bought a journal while on my trip called the Serenity Journal.  It is based on the Serenity Prayer.  Most people have seen the first verse but there’s more.  I am still reflecting on the first line… the prayer asks for serenity, not joy.  Is that my new normal?

God grant me the serenity to

Accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace,

Taking as HE did this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His will,

that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

forever in the next.

Amen.

And AMEN.  Two years and I am stronger, smarter, and I am grateful for the friends I have made and the things I have learned.  This day commemorates an important step in the right direction.  On this day two years ago, my husband was forced to come clean and start on the road to honesty and integrity.  START on the road… he didn’t do it all at once, but he started and he is still working towards it.  I accept that.  The way it happened still hurts like hell, but it was necessary to put him back on the path towards a good, clean life again.  I accept that, too.

Advertisements

33 thoughts on “Two Years Out and seeking serenity

  1. Dear DJ – My heart is with you. I pray you find the serenity you are looking for. I am living on my own private hell at the moment. Wedding anniversary around the corner. Yesterday, the day my husband decided to accept fully his AP into his life, and the PA started. Deceits and more deceits to my former trusting and happy self. I talk to no one these days, and it is heavy on my heart. After all our lives carries on. In old times, I would be excited and happy preparing for our special celebration! Now I only have a sadness in my heart! My husband has been great, but I wonder if there is no way through it! Time will tell! Like you I am looking for serenity, and a quiet mind and soul. We can make it DJ. It might take a bit longer, but we can. It is yet the hardest thing to do, but we will find it! Serenity comes in many forms, lets us find clarity to see what is the one for us! Thinking of you and God bless you.

    • RatherBeMe says:

      Acceptance of what you got is one of the important keys.
      You can’t change the past, nor can beating yourself up over it make it any better. Learning to live with what it is and then protecting yourself from any further hurts should be your priority to living a better, happier life.
      You have to accept that someone was selfish, and now you need to accept that you can be that way too.
      It works both ways.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi RatherBeMe – yes, definitely. We can all be selfish sometimes. The degree to which we allow it and let it rule us differs, though. That’s the difference between a selfish person and an unselfish person who sometimes falls and does selfish things.

        My husband was a selfish man through most of his life, in a discreet way that most people did not even see. His affair blew it all out of the water. We could then see the iceberg below the surface. He is slowly learning the hard way to change many of his attitudes.

        Hope this find you well and in good spirits, RBM. How goes it with you?

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey TryingTooWife – you are in a very painful place right now. The day they consummated their relationship is painful for me, too. I have not found a way to put a positive spin on it as I have with Dday. It just plain hurts real bad.

      Thank you for your support. The pain in my heart eased a bit to read your words. Yes, we will make it, TTW. We will push forward along side one another and we will make it.

      You are in my thoughts and prayers as well.
      DJ

  2. “I am still reflecting on the first line… the prayer asks for serenity, not joy. Is that my new normal?”

    This is very profound. Is that our new normal? Is serenity the best we can hope for? Somehow I don’t think so. Remember, it talks about serenity in the face of difficult things that we cannot change. I have to believe that serenity in hard times makes way for joy. After all, joy cannot be attained if you are fighting against the unchangeable. If you instead focus on what is in your control (like your own happiness), then I think joy is possible.

    • Not Over It says:

      Good point, Beautiful, and well said. In looking for serenity, I will make joy possible. I like that. I can’t do it yet, but I like it.

      This day is harder than I had hoped it would be. For all my efforts in finding a positive outlook on the day, my stomach still gets all knotted up when I think about it. So to keep from thinking about it, I am spending much of my day with people. The cafeteria ladies are a riot and I’m having lunch with them. They will keep my mind occupied and laughing, I’m sure.

      Hope you are hanging on for Thursday…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • I really am. I’m keeping distracted myself with little things. I found some new fun ringtones for my phone that make me smile when I hear them (Woody Woodpecker’s laugh, the Meep Meep of the RoadRunner). 🙂 I am also doing a lot of self-reflection and thinking. We will make it!

      • Not Over It says:

        I’m glad you are being strong. Remember to be straightforward, too. I’m sure you know this, but remember that he needs to hear that you love him and miss him, but that you will not budge on matters of loyalty and honesty.

        LOL – that’s funny – I’m planning on changing up my ringtones today, too! I was thinking of being mean and changing my notification of WordPress comments to something like “Your Cheating Heart.” Don’t think it’ll go over too well…

  3. backonmyown says:

    Accepting what is. It sounds so simple. It’s easier said than done but you’re getting there. You’ve made tremendous progress since I’ve been reading. Sending you hugs and prayers for your serenity.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Pat – if only it were simple… you are a big inspiration for me as I read about the new life you have made for yourself. Thank you for sharing your experience so that others can see the challenge for what it is and learn from it.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  4. Paula says:

    Great job, DJ. I, too am seeking the joy – serenity is all very well and good, but joy is what life is about for me!

    I also liked your comment about the weight of what you almost lost. Without being too morbid, I think it is also for what you HAVE lost, at least it is for me. Much is good, but there is great loss, loss of innocence, loss of purity, loss of absolute trust, loss of self-worth, loss of good role modelling for our children, need I go further, lol? And it’s okay to mourn it, and miss it (because we don’t have a choice, right?) My partner is changed, not dismissive, he confronts things as they occur, instead of storing them (as he did in the past) in his little bag of tricks, to brandish about later when things get tough, lol. He is continuing to do the work, and he feels we have also gained so much, I wish I felt that way! I admire him so much for what he is continuing to do, to “put up with” and to learn about himself. He is a good, strong, loving man, of course, I do wish he’d remembered that when faced with temptation 🙂 I am calmer, but of course, still very sad. I guess the sadness will always be with me, but if I could just temper it with a little joy, that would help a lot. Most of all, the love is still very strong, and he is very good at reminding me of it, and making me FEEL loved now. I did wonder for a while if it was fading, for me, but the feeling passed.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Paula – you’re right. Although we picked our marriage up out of the mud, we still suffered great loss. The word devastation does not even suffice.

      I’m happy to hear things are going well with you and your partner. I wish my husband could sit down with him and learn a few things. My husband does some really wonderful things, but everything is on his terms or he blows a fuse – no mention of his affair or anything concerning infidelity, and no tears or sadness. It feels like I cannot be honest about my feelings and so we do not connect well. He makes all these grand gestures to show he wants me to stay, like the trip we just took, but then he does some really hurtful things and expects me to just accept it.

      I just read the post of Life Without Instructions. It’s also her Dday, but she is four years out. It gave me hope that joy will return. Here is the link:
      http://lifewithoutinstructions.wordpress.com/2012/10/17/d-day-affect-defects-and-effects/

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You always offer a perspective that gets me thinking.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  5. ChangedForever says:

    Hi DJ, its been a while since i’ve written. Since yesterday was (my 2 year) DDay#2 — the day my H admitted his EA was also a PA, ) this was 6 days after DDay#1. Your dates are almost to the day…of mine. What a sad & unfortunate series of events we have in common. Because we share what we do, i decided to visit your blog yesterday to catch up. Your words are my thoughts and, at times, my experiences. Sad, but true. I am where you are…still married but trying to find my way. I know today is also a bad date for you. I just wanted to let you know i am thinking of you.
    All my best to you…for strength.
    ChangedForever

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi CF- I remember that we wrote about having these dates in common and I’m so glad you wrote. It’s wonderful to be able share this way. In my “real” life I feel so alone at times.

      It’s been a rough day. I thought I was so well prepared with my positive take on the whole thing, but thoughts of the past kept crashing into my consciousness. I managed to get the necessary stuff done at work and teach my classes, but that lead apron was firmly in place. And now as I sit alone at home, sadness pervades my soul. My husband is working late – a trigger that still bothers me – and… well, it’s just hard sometimes. I know you know…

      How was the day for you yesterday? I hope and pray that you find acceptance and joy, too.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  6. ChangedForever says:

    Like you, i had the busiest schedule at work ( by design,) and even found a 40 minute window to run over to watch some of my H’s students’ kickball game. Tried to ground myself (& my feelings,) by focusing on the kids playing. Then ran back to work. But i too had that feeling of being alone with my feelings. SO MUCH SADNESS suffered.
    And last night, by the time i got home, he had left for his 1st night of teaching high school religious school (another huge trigger for me.) …he also started 2 years ago right after DDAY #1, the day before our counseling began. I remember feeling so unsafe and exposed at that time (2 years ago) and for some reason, all those insecure feelings flowed back to me when home alone last night. A terrible, terrible memory. I even felt it early this morning. The month of October is a month of dread for me. It cant pass soon enough…
    I loved the complete serenity prayer…thank you for that!

    • Not Over It says:

      You’re most welcome. I’m starting to see that it can help me if I read it every day and reflect on it, piece by piece.

      I, too, started off this morning with sadness. But I refuse to spend the day that way again, and I prayed the Serenity Prayer and focused my thoughts on the busy day ahead of me. It’s working so far… every time I think of the past, I say the first line of the prayer and remember that I’m asking for serenity. Joy will come later. Thanks to Beautiful Mess for that gem.

      It’s only the first day of trying this, but it feels good…

      With your dates and mine so close to each other, you can probably guess that October is a month of dread for me as well. It’s kinda freaky but October was also the month where all the major events of their affair occurred. It started in October 2004. They saw each other the first time in October 2005. They consummated it in October 2006. Her husband found out the first time that same month. He had a second Dday in October 2008 because they had never stopped. I did not find this out until well after my own Dday. And as I’ve written, my Dday was in October 2010. Not a good month at all…

      Last year in October, I needed to spend a lot of time in reflection and writing. This year I need to keep busy and just say little snippets of that Serenity Prayer throughout the day. Hopefully I will get through it well. I pray the same for you, too.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  7. Paula says:

    DJ, thank you for your kind words, I don’t know what to say to women (and it usually is women) who have partners who ignore the pain they caused by not allowing it to be discussed and worked through. All I can say is, you are a much stronger woman than me. I made it an absolute requirement of any hope of a future together, and even doing the work, I kicked him out three times, the last for a long period, and whilst it was very difficult for us both, but especially him, to go over what he did, and the pain he caused (and admit to himself over and over that he wasn’t quite the man he hoped to be, and put himself in the hot seat, for a very long and incredibly uncomfortable ride) he is NOW (almost three and a half years post Dday!) really pleased he has done (and continues to do) the work and gained the self awareness he was obviously (with 20/20 hindsight) lacking previously. It just warms me to hear him talk about it all now, it is the man I met and fell head over heels for, and then some. He has always been my closest friend, and even during separation, we were friends, and talked often, just not so much about affairs, etc, just life, kids, business, film, theatre, whatever. HE now initiates some of the relationship talk, isn’t that amazing? I wish you well, and that your healing can continue, you are inspirational. I wish your darling could talk to mine, too xx

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey Paula – I know what you mean. I read with such longing about women like you whose husbands work with them to get through recovery. What I am having to do is learn to deal with my personal recovery myself and to disengage from him to do so. Whether our marriage makes it or not is then a separate issue. It’s not easy to do and that’s largely why I still suffer. Perhaps my husband needs to be kicked out on his butt so he will learn to see things from a perspective other than his own. Lol.

      Hope the day is going well for you…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  8. Paula says:

    Oh, of course I am not suggesting separation for all, lol! I just don’t know how he can expect you to re-engage with him when you HAVE to disconnect in order to heal FOR YOU, as you say, for your personal recovery. It takes a VERY, VERY big man (woman, child, insert here) to face their flaws, admit and try to fix what they can. Your boy is just trying to do it through acts of service, and “being nicer to you.” Whilst he understandably thinks this will make up for things, as you know, unfortunately he is wrong about what you NEED from him, not what he is prepared to GIVE, poor boy, he would ultimately make it easier for himself if he made himself vulnerable and uncomfortable, you know, the old short term pain for long term gain. Sadly, I know we can’t MAKE them. IMHO he needs someone outside of you two maybe to point some of this out? How to get this message is near impossible. My partner was not keen on counselling – I’d asked him to come well before I had any inkling of an affair, just a feeling something was “off” and he refused, point blank, I went alone, not knowing why, so it was a disaster really. However, in our recovery, sadly, after a suicide attempt on my part (that is truly awful to admit, sorry all) he has allowed himself to be dragged along, some of the people we have talked to haven’t been helpful, but two have, and he surprised himself by what he has learnt and taken on board (and he was already a fairly self-aware person, for a man, lol!) I guess I was “lucky” in that we were already close and able to talk BEFORE this horror took place, so it made it a little easier in the aftermath of the nuclear disaster? That said, I have been where you are, where he didn’t really understand what was needed, so it was, “soon we will not talk about this anymore,” or “not now,” or “we’ve already been over this,” or……

    It’s cold, and here in the southern hemisphere, it’s supposed to be spring! However, a long weekend awaits, half an hour left of work, and I’m off 🙂

    Love to you, DJ.

    • Not Over It says:

      Funny you should talk about counseling. I just now wrote to my coach and asked what he thought about that. We’ve been to counseling a couple of times, and while I wouldn’t say the sessions were a great success, there were positive things my husband learned from them. I think maybe I’ll go to the same counselor my daughter goes to. Lee loves her.

      I just saw a picture of my nephew who lives in Australia and he is all bundled up! Hope you have a great weekend…

      Love & prayers for you, too, Paula. Thank you so much.
      DJ

  9. So true, that analogy to the Vampire Diaries and letting go of your past identity and life as you knew it. Feeling for you as you continue on your journey to find the balance between acceptance of what’s out of your hands, and empowerment with what is.

  10. Rodion says:

    DJ, I’ve read your blog a few times, and I’m wondering if you’ve used or have any resources for dealing with the post-affair pain. My wife has been having an affair for about a year now (unlike so many stories I seem to read in which there is a “D-Day” revelation and the affair ends, my “D-Day” occurred just after she took the affair physical and it persists to this day) and I was able to forgive her on day 2. That doesn’t mean it’s not easy, but I have been able to see through her confusion and to act out of a place of compassion. I do have a very robust spiritual life and this has actually helped me to cut through my own feelings and see what actually is causing things to happen.

    There are some excellent resources out there — I’ve been working Mort Fertel’s program for almost a year, and although I’m doing the so-called “lone ranger” track (faithful spouse trying to get obstinate spouse to reconcile) it is a very robust program that can truly rebuild damaged connections. I have also used self-hypnosis to help with more stubborn tendencies I need to change. This latter is particularly helpful, as it works very rapidly and at a very fundamental level. The company I get my materials from has one session specifically designed at getting over the pain of infidelity. I have links on my blog (reconciliationdiaries.com) to these resources, as well as my story, of course.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Rodion – interesting pen name – I like it. Yes, I have been through hypnosis with my second counselor. It was indeed helpful. I was just not ready to let go.

      I was mad at God for a long time and did not pray or even meditate. I never stopped believing; I just didn’t want to be near Him for a long while. I am now spending more and more time in prayer and meditation again. It is the best medicine by far. One day I will post the story of God and me. He needs to be acknowledged as the rock that provided for my safety and the One who saved me when I wanted to die.

      I visited your blog and noticed that you are Buddhist. I grew up Buddhist. I went to temple every week and to all the Young Buddhist retreats and events – the whole nine yards. It was a very good environment to grow up in. I’m glad it helps to give you peace.

      I became Christian in adulthood, after much study and much trauma with the family. It is where I belong.

      Thank you for reaching out to me, Rodion. I will read more of your blog this weekend.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • Rodion says:

        I was raised in a more or less non-spiritual household and landed in Buddhism quite by accident. I feel fortunate I had the training prior to the crisis that opened up in my marriage, as it has truly allowed me to see through it. In particular, I’ve found the Four Immeasurables has been very helpful; since I practice in a Tibetan lineage, we also do Tonglen, and that has been an enormous help.

        I totally understand what you say about not having prayed or even meditated. This crisis shook me to my core, and I did not practice at all for several months. It still is hard to this day at times. I work with a counselor who is also a Lutheran pastor, and we have an awful lot in common: genuine spirituality all deals with the same “source,” just accessing it in different ways and through different gates.

        Thanks for checking out my blog. I just put it out there in the hopes that others might find it helpful. It’s hard enough to go through a crisis like this on your own, but it is good to know that my struggles can perhaps be of benefit to others.

      • Not Over It says:

        Oh, yes I also understand what you say about being shaken to the core – I didn’t even know this much pain was possible before Dday. It’s good to hear that you are working with a counselor who has a spiritual perspective. That is so important.

        I also understand your reason for blogging. I was helped early on by bloggers who were farther along in the process than me. Some of them no longer write new posts, but I keep their blogs on my blogroll so that newbies can take a look at the process and how it all worked out for the people before us. So now I am trying to pay it forward by describing my experiences in the hope that someone will benefit in the same way. Sharing with others also helps me tremendously. It’s a win-win, and that’s especially nice to find when we are suffering through the no-win situation of infidelity.

        I’ll see you on your blog this weekend!
        DJ

  11. My dear DJ,

    I’ve read that it takes anywhere from 2-4 years to ‘get over’ infidelity. I think you and I, and I’m sure many many others, will need to take all 4 years, at the very least, in order for us to really put all of these behind. Which means we are now at about the halfway point towards recovery but it sure doesn’t feel like it. To me, everything still seems like it just happened this year and I’m still recovering. But as you said, it’s not all bad anymore. Even though the betrayal pops on our minds for at least once a day, every damn day, it is not as bad as before. We still have 2 more years of this crap but I am so glad I have you to help me through it. And I hope, I and many others, are doing the same for you. Our husbands are not all the same, but as long as at the end of the day, he is with you because he truly loves you and honestly choose to be with with you, and of course, is no longer betraying you, then this is all worth it. He will get there one of these days. If he’s anything like my husband, then he too is feeling a lot of stress from what we are going through.
    I’m sending you lots and lots of happy and good vibes, and of course thinking and praying for you always.

    • Not Over It says:

      Dearest Fighter – you are such a sweetheart. I’m glad your husband remembered that before it was too late. We will indeed make it, even if it takes all four years. Hopefully not more than that… 🙂

      Yes, your husband and mine both struggle with the enormity of the consequences of their actions. Hopefully they are better people as a result.

      Hope you are off to a good week. I am. Thank goodness, I am.

      Love & prayers to you every day,
      DJ

  12. I'm The Prize says:

    Hello notoverit, I guess I visited your site tonight because I’m not over it either. My husband had an affair with his best friend’s wife after 28 years of marriage. The affair began exactly two years and two weeks ago, on my birthday, when he complained to her about our marriage. That’s when the sexual conversations started, that’s when she got a facebook account just to IM him. Then, exactly two years ago today (which was our 28th anniversary) he gave me plane tickets to go visit my brother (she paid for them) so that they could get me out of the way for her to come four state away to have sex with my husband). I wouldn’t go right away so they had to wait. While I was dealing with double walking pneumonia on Thanksgiving but still trying to cook dinner for everyone he was supposed to be sleeping (he works nights) but instead was sexting her. A couple of weeks before Christmas I figured out what was going on (over 700 texts and calls a week) and told him that he stopped or I wanted a divorce. He tried to make me think I was crazy. Said he was trying to help his friend and his wife deal with marital problems and that I had damaged their progress (I called the husband, he said he knew about the calls and texts). What I didn’t know is that he knew the truth and didn’t care. Husband pretended to want to work things out but the day after Christmas said he wanted a divorce and that it would be ugly if I didn’t sign it. Two days before New Years he went on a “hunting trip” which was really to stay in a cheap motel with her for two days. While he was gone I had to deal with finding out one of my brothers was dying from brain cancer. He suddenly decided to come home but refused to confess. It took almost a month to get the truth.
    It has been two years. Most of the days that should be special: my birthday, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years have been tainted. He seems remorseful. I tries to reassure me that he loves me and will never do it again. I have forgiven him but that’s as far as I have gotten. I’m sad all of the time. Even things that should make me happy (like our oldest son getting engaged) doesn’t last for long. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel loved. I am always waiting for the next shoe to fall. I feel like he came back because he found out she wasn’t so great and he couldn’t afford to divorce me. I feel like the first opportunity that he gets for a higher paying job (he just got a degree which will make it easier) that he will leave me. I keep wondering how many secret email accounts he has. I keep wondering if he has another prepaid phone in his locker at work.
    He says he was miserable for 15 years but not he is extremely happy and he loves me. Why? I’m not any different than I was 2 years ago when he loathed me so much that he lied to my face and stabbed me in the back. I’ve been miserable for 23 years. I’ve dealt with long military deployments, raising 3 kids alone, his post traumatic stress disorder (depression, negativity, anger, hatefulness, neglectfulness) and much, much more. Not once did I ever have an affair though I could have several times. But not he has played and as always I have paid and continue to pay.
    I despair of ever being happy again. I have given up hope that I will ever have a good marriage and have settled for just not being cheated on. I’m still suffering and the other woman gets to move on with her life as if nothing happened. There were no consequences for her. He has had none other than having to humble himself enough to admit it and to listen as I have cried (which he didn’t even see the worst of).
    This has killed me. My body may still be breathing but who I was is dead. Who I am has no substance. I have dreams for my children but for me I have none. I have no expectations. I have no anticipation. There is just one painful day after another. Today is our 30th anniversary and he didn’t even bother to buy a card. He got a gift, a card, and sex and a boat load of memories of having two women fight over him. Why shouldn’t he be happy?

    Sorry I highjacked your site. I just needed to say the words to someone who understood what they mean. I sure hope this gets better at some point. . . it really sucks right now.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hello Prize – you are the prize, you know. You have suffered and endured and you are still standing. Maybe not happily, but you are still standing. You are a prize. Your husband must realize this at some level because he is trying to convince you that he is happy.

      No need to apologize for writing. That’s why I open the blog up for comments. We all help each other. Many of us here can sure relate to your feelings. We have all felt dead inside. We have all wondered if life can ever be good again. It’s ok to feel that way right now. I still sometimes fall backwards and land there in that place again where there is darkness and pain.

      But it doesn’t have to be the end. There is life after infidelity. Some of us end up starting over alone. Some of us rebuild our marriages. Some of us live in resentment and pain for many years. You don’t have to be that last one.

      Your husband has disrespected you and betrayed you in the worst possible way. It is quite probably going to be the most difficult thing you’ll ever have to walk through to heal. But you can. Your life is forever changed, but it does not have to be miserable all the way.

      Have you found the website Emotional Affair Journey? If not, check it out. They have resources all set up to help people through the journey. Much of it is free. I am a Higher Healing member and visit the site regularly. You’ll find it at emotionalaffair.org.

      Please keep me posted on how you are doing. It’s so much easier to share with people like us who have been where you are. You are not alone and you do not have to be miserable forever. I am also two years out, as you know, and I have not reached a place I would call happy. We can journey together.

      Praying for grace and peace in your heart –
      DJ

      • Prize says:

        Thank you for your kind words. I’m not always miserable. It’s long a haze that hangs around and on some days, trigger days like yesterday, it’s like a think fog that I can’t see through. I don’t just sit and ponder. I had a job for over a year (I got one because I thought I would be left penniless. He always wanted me to stay at home which was ok with me because I love that role). I have since decided to go back to school. I have one degree but since in is in electronics and I haven’t used it I’m kind of a dinosaur in the field (besides, I hated it anyway). I have started taking classes to teach pre-school. When our children were little I ran my own home based daycare for 7 years so I know that I am good at it. However, the truth is that I’d rather have my like back. I’d rather be at home cooking, sewing, cleaning and the like. My husband says he wouldn’t mind but the fact is I don’t feel secure and safe having no way to support myself. It added insult to injury when he was going to divorce me. So, I keep moving. Actually, the only time I’m ok is when I’m moving. It’s when I’m still that it hits me. That’s why I’ve had a hard time with my time with God since the affair. I am so uncomfortable with the silence, it allows me to think which causes me to hurt. Thanks for your kindness. People who haven’t been there (and even the ones who have but chose to divorce) have no idea what it is like to deal with an affair when you are fighting for a relationship with the very person who ripped your heart out. I got over wanting to do the other woman bodily harm. I am almost to the point of forgiving her. The only hold out: I don’t think she should be happy a day in her life until I am. Yep, it’s not easy at all. Here’s praying that we both see the other side.

        ________________________________

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi Prize – I’m glad you keep busy. For a long while, I couldn’t even do that. I’m at the point now where keeping busy is absolutely the best thing for me. I still need a lot more alone time than I used to, but it’s ok.

        Early childhood education! That’s awesome. It takes a special kind of giving person to be a quality preschool teacher. I am a resource teacher in an elementary/junior high school and I see the difference it makes when a child comes to us from a well-rounded preschool program.

        It’s wonderful that you know what will make you feel safe and secure, and that you are going after it. I love that.

        I go through phases where the OW is concerned. I can go for periods of time where I think very little about her. Sometimes I actually feel sorry for the insecure wretch that she is. And then sometimes I still want to tear her eyes out. I may be old and gray before I consider forgiveness. But, oh, I don’t know… I just take that a day at a time.

        Thank you for taking the time to write. Hope to hear more from you…

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

  13. […] Two Years Out and seeking serenity (notoverit.wordpress.com) […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s