Experiencing good through the pain

Hey y’all!  I hope you are all well and in a good place right now.  I am back from my trip.  As my title says, it was a good experience, although fraught with pain.  The painful part was that my husband and I had a major fight at the beginning of our trip.  It was bad enough to make us both wonder if we can be together at all.  But my husband scheduled our trip around visiting a bunch of people who I love.  We both stood above the pain and put our whole selves into enjoying our time with people and with seeing new places.  There was a cloud over it for me but I did still enjoy it.

Parts of it felt like a pilgrimage for me – we did some things I have wanted to do all my life, since I was a very little girl, and which have always felt like unfinished business.  It is now complete.  I am grateful to my husband for that.  He knew how important it was to me, and he helped me make it come to pass.

It took 30 years – in the past he always refused to do it with me, or to even agree to put it into our budget.  And I have never been one to spend money and time on something we didn’t both agree on.  But that is now in the past.  He made the time and put the money into making it happen.  It was deeply moving and spiritual for me.  He was absolutely wonderful about it and I felt his deep commitment to me.  Finally.  He is not able to be romantic anymore and he is not able to meet my needs in my love language or my personality style, but he did this major thing for me.  I get it.

But can I live with the rest?  While he did something so wonderful for me, he also gutted me again.  Deeply.  The ugly head of his affair keeps raising its ugly head.  Sometimes it feels like it will never fade into the background.  It’s like that monster that keeps getting up again in horror movies, over and over again.  Over and over…

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13 thoughts on “Experiencing good through the pain

  1. nmwf1 says:

    Hi DJ, Nice to hear you had a good trip. The last paragraph is familiar about the affair rearing its ugly head. I really think that this is yours and my life from now on. I really wish that I would not think or feel it looming everyday, My husband is very loving to me and genuinely makes an effort everyday to show me and reinforce that love. He always asks me how my day went everyday and how I am feeling, he really is giving it his all. I really think he is going above and beyond to make up for the wrong. So I am trying to understand the place that I remain in my mind and my heart. I don’t know if it is my pride standing in the way, I don’t know if my low self esteem and feeling like a fool is the problem, I simply harbor such resentment of him turning to another woman and throwing my love aside for months, and making her his priority for a while, putting her on a pedestal that I thought I was on, and having that pedestal knocked out from under me. And I still have this strong jealousy of this other woman who was able to hold his attention away from me ( til hi got caught) . But for some reason, In everything I do that feeling crops up. When he is calling me on the phone the minute he gets out of work, the pit in my stomach crops up. But he is always up beat and seems happy to talk to me. I respond the same but the heavy feeling is there and I sometimes feel like screaming inside but I hide it from him, because I don’t want to ruin his day. So we talk about our days and it subsides for a while, I feel it looming in different ways all day long. It is always the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. I don’t know how to every get over that painful moment in my life. I feel like the wounds just wont heal.

    • hiddinsight says:

      I don’t have any answers for you that extend out of experience, but my heart aches for what you have been through. If you haven’t taken comfort in this book before, it may have hidden insight in it for you. Its called ” How my husband’s affair became the best thing that happened to me” by Anne Bercht. I know…the title…its her story. She hung on when she didn’t know if she could continue so many times, and she is now counselling others. It is possible through time and effort.

    • Not Over It says:

      @ NM – glad to hear from you! You describe how it feels very well. It will get better ever so slowly. Next week is the second anniversary of my D-day. It is getting better. Not all the time, but there are more periods of time when it’s better. Not a whole day, but periods of time… it’s just there in the background instead of at the forefront… that’s a good thing. And there are periods of time when I don’t think of it at all. Short periods, but they come.

      We will get through it, NM. Just keep living our lives and keep talking it through with our friends, and we will get through to the other side.

      @ Hiddinsight – thank you for the recommendation. It was one of the first books I read after discovery, and it has helped me tremendously. I doubt I will ever say that my husband’s affair was a good thing, but the book is a good resource for those on both sides of infidelity.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  2. My dear DJ,

    I want to say more but I don’t have the time, and I don’t want to half ass my comments to you. But I just want to know that I feel for you and I’m always think about how you’re doing. Our emotions are on a roller coaster ride and I believe that it’ll be that way for a long, long time. Some moments are good but some are still very raw and painful and I share that with you. This is now our normal, sadly. But you always see the silver lining and filled with positivity. You are a strong lady. Take care, love and prayers to you and yours.

    • Not Over It says:

      Dearest Fighter – Nothing half ass about your comment. You always understand and you always say just the right thing to make me smile even when I feel like I am falling through the darkness. I am so glad we “met.”

      I’m also glad that you are busy. Busy is good for us. It keeps the bad stuff in the background and can even propel us away from it all. I used to need a lot of time for thinking and reflecting. Now I need more busy time. I still need reflecting time, but not as much as when the pain was new.

      Sending love & prayers to you and your little one, and your husband, too…
      DJ

  3. Why does the good always have to be tinged with the bad? Unfortunately, I know that cycle all too well. I hope you find some consistent clarity. It is what I wish for every day.

    • Not Over It says:

      Me, too. I watched the movie “Brave” on the plane. Watching Merida chase after wisps reminded me of me. Clarity and serenity are just beyond my reach. I chase and reach out and have it within my grasp, and then it is gone. It will come, Beautiful. I’m sure it will if we keep reaching out.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  4. Your last paragraph resonates with me so very much. I’ve had those same thoughts oh so often.

    Much love to you.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Samantha – I wish it were not so. I wish we could fix it and make it go away. And you’ve had to start all over again with a whole new set of issues… you are handling it very well. I know you don’t always feel that way, but you are.

      I am having nightmares again since that big fight with my husband. It’s been a major setback. But I will make it. With the support of one another, we will all make it.

      Hope this finds you in a good place for the moment. Remember to take care of yourself…

      Sending love & prayers right back at ya…
      DJ

      • Foolish Woman says:

        Sometimes you’ve got to go back a couple of steps in order to move forwards. I’m sorry for the pain and nightmares.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi FW – thank you. I appreciate your comments. Yes, I suppose it’s just a couple steps back. I think so at this point anyway. I am becoming suspicious of him again and I need to sort that all out. One way or another, though, I will be ok. I have your support, and the support of everyone here, which helps me tremendously.

      Hope all is well with you, dear friend…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

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