Hey y’all! I hope you are all well and in a good place right now. I am back from my trip. As my title says, it was a good experience, although fraught with pain. The painful part was that my husband and I had a major fight at the beginning of our trip. It was bad enough to make us both wonder if we can be together at all. But my husband scheduled our trip around visiting a bunch of people who I love. We both stood above the pain and put our whole selves into enjoying our time with people and with seeing new places. There was a cloud over it for me but I did still enjoy it.
Parts of it felt like a pilgrimage for me – we did some things I have wanted to do all my life, since I was a very little girl, and which have always felt like unfinished business. It is now complete. I am grateful to my husband for that. He knew how important it was to me, and he helped me make it come to pass.
It took 30 years – in the past he always refused to do it with me, or to even agree to put it into our budget. And I have never been one to spend money and time on something we didn’t both agree on. But that is now in the past. He made the time and put the money into making it happen. It was deeply moving and spiritual for me. He was absolutely wonderful about it and I felt his deep commitment to me. Finally. He is not able to be romantic anymore and he is not able to meet my needs in my love language or my personality style, but he did this major thing for me. I get it.
But can I live with the rest? While he did something so wonderful for me, he also gutted me again. Deeply. The ugly head of his affair keeps raising its ugly head. Sometimes it feels like it will never fade into the background. It’s like that monster that keeps getting up again in horror movies, over and over again. Over and over…