Surprise Trip

My fall break is always the first two weeks of October.  Almost two years ago, my husband took me on a big “third honeymoon,” as he called it, during this break.  Today I know that he had decided that it was better to break off from his affair and stay with me, and he wanted to make it up to me without actually telling me about it.  But he continued to write to her right through that so-called honeymoon.  While still on that trip, I found the emails they were exchanging at that time.  They were not romantic and passionate, but they were still very chummy and close and full of those acronyms, which I now know were love quotes.  He told me that he knew I would be upset if he became friends with his old girlfriend, so he didn’t tell me, but they were just friends.  That was Dday 1.  It ruined the rest of the trip.

On the night we returned home, I found the rest of the emails… the love letters, the sex letters, the letters saying that I was one big mistake… all of them.  That was Dday 2.  Life will never be the same.

Last year during fall break, we stayed home.  The first anniversary of Dday loomed on the horizon, and the thought of going on a trip with him just brought up too many bad memories, and so we didn’t do anything.  I cleaned house and worked on new licenses at my fitness club.

Well, fall break is here again.  My husband has surprised me with another trip, and I am sitting in a hotel room right now.  It’s a trip I have always wanted to take, but it was never  big on his list of priorities, and even though we have had the chance to do it before, he never wanted to.  Now he says he wants to start over with me, and on his own he planned the whole trip to do some things I had always wanted to do.  So thoughtful… so different from ever before.

I don’t know that we can really start over.  We haven’t really worked through the past.  He refuses to look at it and do what needs to be done to learn and grow from it.  He wants to just bury it.  Never talk about it again and pretend it never happened.  I have read enough to know that this doesn’t work.  But it was awfully sweet of him to plan this trip for me.  And it has been a pleasure to be with him these past few days.  He’s still quiet and doesn’t want to talk about our relationship at all – he just wants to have fun and enjoy the moments.  I can do that for now.  The thought that it was on a very similar trip that it all came crashing down has crossed my mind, but I am ok.  The second anniversary of Dday 1 will happen while we are still on this trip, but I will deal with it.  I will be ok.  Dday 2, the big one, will come after we get home.  It’s better that way.

So I am very busy at the moment, and may not have much time to post or answer comments, but I will whenever I have free time.  Wish me luck!

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10 thoughts on “Surprise Trip

  1. How wonderful and thoughtful of him DJ. He is trying, he is bumping along the way, because he still doesn’t know how, but you can see he is trying to somehow, give you ‘presents’ in recognition of his bad, bad past actions. Enjoy it and recharge DJ! You deserve it so much! Let him spoil you for now. Today, tomorrow does not matter so much! Have fun!

    • Not Over It says:

      You’re right, TTW. I will enjoy it. He really was so thoughtful in planning this. We are starting off in a big city that I always enjoy. Then we are heading off on a road trip to places I have for my whole life wanted to visit. Before, he always had some excuse why we couldn’t do it, but now he has decided that he wants to make me happy.

      I am trying not to overthink it. Trying real hard…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  2. Noomi says:

    Yes, PLEASE enjoy your trip.I’m in that same place as you that my husband wants to sweep it all under the rug.I’m dealing with that as best I can like you, with eyes wide open. But this endeavor of your H I feel is huge! Throw caution to the wind on this trip, let your hair down, have a ball!! This is a long read but when you have a chance it’s worth the time:
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2158915/Is-husband-having-affair-actually-proof-loves-you.html

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey Noomi – I read the article. It’s about a book I’ve read other reviews on. I don’t believe the premise of the book, but it’s an interesting article. I’ll write more when I have time.

      Hope you are well –

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • Noomi says:

        Not Over It: When you have time I’d love to hear your thoughts on the book. I haven’t read it, only excerpts. It’s so interesting that so many of us have stories that are similar & yet quite different. That’s a reason that your blog is so helpful. The way an individual interprets the same situations can be 100% opposite the next one. The reason the article resonated with me is that my husband has had 2 affairs in 16 yrs together & honestly both times we were truly happy, not perfect, but happy together. I know that he never stopped loving me & enjoyed being with me. I guess I’ll read the rest of the book at some point. Anyway, again, enjoy this wonderful time you’re having!

      • Not Over It says:

        I will, Noomi. I probably won’t have time during the rest of my trip – we’re taking off on our road trip tomorrow, but I will as soon as I can.

        I know what you mean about different perspectives. Our experiences and our backgrounds color everything we go through. I have been through much in my lifetime, but I also read other points of views, and my coach helps me sort through it all. I am glad that you find things of interest here. That is my hope. It is all of us putting our thoughts together.

        Will talk soon1
        DJ

  3. shirley says:

    Wow – my husband cheated on me with a friend and has been the worst person I have ever known for the past 10 months. He doesn’t spend any more than one hour a week with his 4 children (and 2 grandchildren) – he has become very selfish, uncaring and cold. I feel so sad for my children. We came to agreement during mediation (2nd time around) but of course he didn’t follow through with the agreement. Is there ever an end to this nightmare? We do not speak. My children hate the process. He is an attorney – imagine what that is like! I keep my sanity thinking that G-d will care for me and Karma will take care of the cheaters (haters). Steve Malek and Jackie Obando are cheaters, pot smokers and deserve each other!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Shirley – For me, it’s just been such a long haul that my husband has had the chance to feel remorse for his actions. His affair lasted for six years. It’s been two years since then. During the first five years, especially the middle three, he was a total jerk to me and the kids, too. My kids tried to get me to leave him in 2009. I think he secretly hoped I would leave so that he wouldn’t have to look like the bad guy. But I thought he was clinically depressed and I wouldn’t leave when I thought he needed me.

      He has been on the roller coaster with me since Dday, and has sometimes been loving and has sometimes been a jerk again. And there have been times when it’s quiet but without any show of feeling.

      So today I am happy to be on this trip, but I am guarded in my reaction to it. I have been hurt so many times by getting my hopes up.

      I do believe he loves me, but I don’t know that we can get past this. He is very religious and is going through major turmoil inside himself. It’s like if he accepts my love, he feels even more guilty. And I go through phases myself of feeling like I accept being treated like dirt if I accept his. It’s a mess. We have a lot to work through.

      But yes, I’m having a good time right now! We are in different surroundings and doing new things and meeting new people and we are putting everything aside. We actually really like each other and enjoy spending time together.

      Your situation is very different. Take care of yourself first. Be kind to yourself. If he doesn’t see it in time, he will regret it at some point.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  4. Shirley says:

    Hi DJ – Well here we are a month after the divorce is final and he would like to take the children back to Ottawa for a family event (with her!). My children do not want to go if he is bringing her – he is so selfish and does not take their feelings into account. I would love the kids to go and spend some quality time with their father who they have only seen a total of 50 hours all year!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Shirley – good to hear from you. This is a mess that just never seems to end. I’m so sorry you and your children have to go through this.

      My children talked about what they would do if Dad ever got together with the OW. They are all young adults in their 20’s and they discussed it at Christmas 2010. They said that if Dad did that, then he would be turning his back on the family and they would not attend any functions where he and she would be present.

      I have wondered if this was too harsh. He is their dad. But they feel that accepting that relationship would be like condoning the affair. They would still be willing to see their dad, but they would not to accept in any way his relationship with her.

      They talked through all of this and came to me with their decision. I hope your children talk with each other about it and come to an understanding among themselves.

      Take care. Let me know how you’re doing and what your children decide. I am praying for you.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

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