Affair Recovery: Forgiving Infidelity: The High Price of Forgiveness | Affair Recovery

Rick Reynolds of AffairRecovery.com posted an exceptional article on the high price of forgiveness for infidelity.  I cried as I read it.  It is really spot on in describing the price we pay and how it is easy to take it cheap.  It also articulated for me some things that I have been struggling with.

His article was shared by one of the bloggers I follow:  screw infidelity.  Here is a link to her reposting of the article.  It is well worth reading.

 

Affair Recovery: Forgiving Infidelity: The High Price of Forgiveness | Affair Recovery.

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12 thoughts on “Affair Recovery: Forgiving Infidelity: The High Price of Forgiveness | Affair Recovery

  1. […] Affair Recovery: Forgiving Infidelity: The High Price of Forgiveness | Affair Recovery (notoverit.wordpress.com) Rate this:Share this:EmailFacebookTwitterPrintStumbleUponPinterestLinkedInTumblrLike this:Like3 bloggers like this. […]

  2. nmwf1 says:

    Hi Dj, I haven’t visited this site for a while, I tried to stay away thinking that if I just stop reading about it, if I stop trying to find answers, If I just respond to the love and support that he is showing me now, then my pain will subside, and that i wouldn’t wake up every morning fighting that dreaded feeling and that pit that looms, and that it wouldn’t stay with me all day long no matter what I am doing, and it wouldn’t be the last thing that I think of before I fall asleep at night, even when he is right next to me holding me like he never ever wants to let me go, or when he is making love to me, that heavy feeling in my heart will not subside. Yes the price is very high for the betrayed, I feel like I am living a lie some days because, when we are together, he is so loving and genuinely seems to be very happy, I find myself, basically pretending to be happy when I am not. I pull it off well though because I truly love this man with all my heart, I have to be fare and say that we do have happy moments, but its always there, in every since of the word. I feel it in everything I do, everywhere I go, everything I look at, the beautiful things in life that I always enjoyed, birds, trees, animals,weather, scenery, my home, you name it, the beauty is there but my eyes don’t see it quite as vivid as I remember before my world came crashing down July the 3rd 2011.

    Yes! the price of betrayal is extremely high, and we are all making payments of the heart……….

    • nmwf1 says:

      Oops! Or should I say the high price of forgiveness…………
      I haven’t quite got the there yet.
      thanks… I need to come here to vent.

      • Not Over It says:

        NM! I have missed you! I’m glad you are alright.

        It seems a lot of us have felt at times that blogging here keeps the feelings fresh and alive. I, too, stayed away for a time. It was the summer of 2011, I believe. I made the blog private and just stopped altogether. I thought that if I stopped talking or writing about it, it might just go away. It didn’t.

        It seems that talking and talking and writing and writing helps to work it all out. As we do this, we get better and better. Most cheating spouses cannot handle this, so we blog amongst others.

        The thing I sometimes find difficult is reading the stories from newbies – people who recently found out they had been betrayed. Their pain is so raw and so fresh that it tears at my wounded heart and makes it bleed again. But I feel a great need to repay what has been given me. I have been so blessed by bloggers here, some of whom have healed and moved on, some of whom are still here, and some whom I am just getting to know. To be of comfort or help in any small way to people who find me here is a great comfort to me and helps me to get stronger, too.

        I’m glad you feel you can vent here. You have also made a big impact on our community and people have been helped by your sharing. Thank YOU.

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

    • exercisegrace says:

      Hugs nmwf1, I pretty much could have written everything you did above. I am in such a down place right now too. I am also at that place where it’s just always there. I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to think of it first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I have a husband who says he loves me, who is trying, who has showed a great deal of change. I am struggling to focus on what we have “now” versus what has been lost forever. I know I need to release it. It can’t be undone. It was wrong and hurtful and unfair. I didn’t deserve it and I don’t deserve to live in pain from now on. Neither does he. He made an enormous mistake, and I believe he has paid and is paying for it. I WANT to move on. I want us to have a happy life together instead of (as you said) happy MOMENTS. Fear claws at me inside. If he could cheat on me then, why not now when things really ARE bad and a struggle. I am certainly NOT the woman he married, I am certainly NOT fun to be around most of the time. I think at this point we keep triggering each other and I need to figure out how to break that cycle.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi EG – I’m sorry I haven’t been around for a couple of weeks. I don’t know if you are still at this down place right now – I know that these feelings live in the tornado created by our experience and can come and go. I pray you have found some peace, if at least for a little while.

        You need to be kind to yourself, EG. I know it’s hard when you are in the middle of it and it seems like it will never end, but it will. It will. You haven’t even reached one year yet! This week will be two years for me. I will soon be posting about life at two years out. Remember that most people take 2 – 4 years to feel a sense of recovery. And most therapists say they have not seen a true recovery at any less than two years.

        I know that can seem like an eternity, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Time will pass. Life will happen and force you to move with it. Good things will happen. Bad things will happen. You will sometimes feel like you are in a dark hole with no way out. But little by little you will see the path. You will fall off a lot. Sometimes you will need to just stay put and sit next to the path. Sometimes you will feel like you are flying through it. Just remember that it will pass. It will.

        You are not the woman he married. If you were, I would be worried about you. People learn and change as they experience life. You are not fun right now? But he is still here. He wants you. And you can learn to have fun again in a while, when you are ready. If he truly loves you, he will still be there. If he leaves, he did not deserve you anyway. You will be ok either way. You will.

        Talk to you again soon…

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

      • nmwf1 says:

        hi EG, I just read your reply of oct 5th, hugs to you to. This whole business of infidelity is something that is so hard to comprehend, I am not the person I was a year ago before all of this happened, but I don’t know the person that I am now, I don’t recognize me at all. . My husband loves me with all his heart, I know that, I love him with all mine. But how, how, how, does a person let go of the past? He shows me love and affection more than he ever has before, he tells me everyday how much he loves me and how much he cares about me, i know he is extremely remorseful of what he did , and yet somehow there is a piece of my heart that is stuck in despair, I feel almost as if I am sabotaging my own happiness. And maybe sabotaging my marriage to. I don’t know, I was so happy before, so I thought, I CAN have happy moments with my husband and yet deep inside I hold an extreme resentment. I sometimes feel so selfish because he is trying so hard. I feel very guilty at times, because he is giving it his all, and I sometimes cop an attitude. I really hate that I never know what the next stretch of my roller coaster ride of emotions will bring. Happy, sad, pissed off, I don’t know and I don’t cut him much slack, but this is not the person I want to be. I just am stuck in this nite mare. I look at the man he is today, he is the man I fell in love with, and my heart still pounds with that in love feeling for him. and yet something holds me back because I remember back to D-day and I don’t know how to separate the loving man he is today with the man I did not know a year ago, that person who was capable of such lies and deceit and betrayal. That man threw my love of 33 years away for another woman, that man lied to me and made a fool out of me, and faced me week after week with out guilt. The man who I cherished and loved for his love for me and his honesty and devotion to me, (SO I THOUGHT ) the man that i was totally devoted to, And now he wants to be the man of my dreams, he wants to be there for me in every way, make love to me with such passion and show me all the attention an affection a woman could want.. He wants to be this perfect husband, he wants to be everything I always wanted, It all sounds so great and yet so selfish on my part, I know others here struggle with setbacks of there husbands and disappointments, My struggle is RESENTMENT. its kills the soul, and it destroys who you are. But fighting it is hard. My mind will not let me rest, I cannot win. I can’t control my mind, my thoughts spark anger, jealousy, pain, and extreme RESENTMENT, How does a person simply let go of it? I hate that my life seems to bounce off of the reflection of my husbands f-ing affair. It is so unfair.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi NM – how I wish I could make it all go away for you. I hate that you are going through all this.

        I struggle with resentment, too. One moment my heart is overflowing with the love I have had for him through all the years — and the next, thoughts of his betrayal poke through and my heart is gripped by resentment that I am married to someone who made a fool of me and lied straight-faced for six years.

        I think that just has to fade with time. It happens less often for me now than it did at one year, where you are now.

        Keep making time for togetherness and for romance, and it will slowly go away.

        If you can try something more than that, I suggest Marriage Sherpa programs. There are several good ones that can help you work through your feelings. My personal favorite one, of course, is the coaching program. Coach James helped me get through those tough times, and still helps me think things through.

        Rick Reynolds also advertises some programs. I don’t have any experience with them, but I do enjoy his blog.

        I don’t suggest these as a way of trying to pacify you or to sound like I know everything. I sure don’t, but I think you may want something distinctive and formalized to help you work through your feelings. I know I wouldn’t have made it through the past two years without Coach James.

        Take care, NM. I am praying for you.

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

  3. nmwf1 says:

    Thanks Dj for your support. yep i agree, it is heart wrenching to hear a another newbie comes along. we all know how much pain they are in and its even more heart wrenching to know that its only the beginning of a very long long heart ache for them, some days i feel as if it happened yesterday, You know I really f-ing hate cheaters and cheating and betrayal an lies and deceit and every thing else that is about infidelity, Frankly today and yesterday I have worked myself into a frenzy, to the point of almost throwing up. Why is that, Why is it. that neither one of us can get a real grip. I am on a very spiraling emotional rope right now. i can’t explain it, i don’t know how to cope, my psychologist is helping me now, (cant say that its working) but I am somewhat bitter to say the least. I am angry at my husband right now, for no apparent reason, other than I hate what he did to us. i feel like a lunatic again. What happened to the person i was before all of this happened. I guess I went through life with rose colored glasses thinking this kind of thing happens to other couples, not us. DJ, you and I both know that divorce is not the option for us, You love your husband , he loves you, I love my husband and he loves me, Really, love is not the issue here,our love is strong that has been established. Its just that I feel such resentment all the time, because I cannot change what happened and neither can he. I want to know why he let this happen in our lives. I want to know why I wasn’t important enough at the time to make him turn away. i want to know why I wasn’t enough. . I just can’t get past the fact that his heart and attention went to another woman and set me aside like i was not important to him. All the while being able to look me in the eye knowing that he had another woman on his mind and an affair going on behind my back, who can do that with out guilt, who does that. My self esteem is in the toilet right now, because he made a complete fool out of me, He had his little sexual intimate conversations and having phone sex and long talks on a nightly bases while I was home doing mundane things like loading the dishwasher or watching a comedy movie and laughing. or washing his cloths for the next week. And I get sick to think I would call him just to tell him some silly thing going on at home. or to say good night I love you… not knowing she was on hold on the other line and I was interrupting the heat of the moment with her moaning to him and turning him on. And not knowing that I would hang up the phone, and he would continue what he was doing with her, probably apologizing to her for having to put her on hold to answer a call from one of his contractors (I’m sure he wouldn’t dare have told her it was his wife, that would take the luster out of the moment ) while she had her finger++++++++ never mind I’m taking it to far I know but. (I cringe at that image that I cannot shake) My attitude is pretty vulgar I know, but that is the frame of mind I am in right now. Was it worth it to him. was it. I feel sick………………just…. venting Thx Dj,

  4. nmwf1 says:

    Hi Dj, Thx, as always you are there. even in the mists of your own misery, I don’t know what its going to take for either of us to get past this major flaw in our marriages, Or others here for that matter. Today my mind took me to a strange thought, I thought about the moment my husband stepped over the boundary of our marriage, I wondered how he could possible feel good about what he was doing. I wondered how he could simply block me out of his mind and not feel sick, or worried for that matter. I know in my heart if I were the one in the moment of temptation with another man, frankly i would get sick to my stomach to think how much it would hurt my husband. And what enjoyment would a person get out of that. So I wonder how anyone can do it to the one they love? Do they just block you out of there mind at the time? Was this other person just so irresistible that he couldn’t resist? He couldn’t just say NO! I have a wife, this would destroy her? OOOHHHH ! No that would hurt his ego that he was stroking. I thought I knew my husband inside and out. Before D-day I would have bet my life that he would never do this to me, and more so, even be capable of doing this to me, I was so sure of our love for each other in every way. BOY would I be six feet under right now. Glad I didn’t bet lol. What is very hard for me is this, I am the type of person who (aside from my family being safe and sound) could lose every thing I own today, and know that its just material things , who the hell cares, and just start all over as long as my family was safe and we had each others love to lean on, so what I am trying to say is that, although i could never be sure of what tomorrow brings, I was always so sure of him and I , and I always had a safe secure feeling of our marriage and our solid foundation. Now nothing in my life seems for sure anymore, Nothing! Here today, gone tomorrow, The foundation that I leaned on is sitting on a fault just waiting for the next big rumble to register on the rector scale .

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey NM – I don’t think I will ever have the complete trust and innocent bliss that I had before, but perhaps it’s for the best. If you turn it around in your mind, it really was blind trust and ignorant bliss. It was never good for us to be blind and ignorant. We are stronger and smarter now that our eyes are open and we see things as they really are.

      I have wondered the same thing about my husband… what was he thinking? Was it easy to betray me? I have come to the conclusion that it was the ultimate disrespect. He just didn’t respect me enough to stop and really think it through. He was selfish and immature and rather narcissistic, too. He still is to some degree, but he is much better now.

      I also would have bet my life that my husband would never cheat on me. He was a highly respected and religious man. In retrospect, however, I can see how his attitudes towards life and respect and integrity changed over the six years. He is only now really coming out of that fog. Your husband’s affair was not so long, so maybe he can say it was temporary insanity and that it didn’t change his basic attitudes all that much.

      For sure, nothing is for sure anymore. Lol. But we will make it through to being well-grounded, safe and secure again… that probably means we will be secure within ourselves and not through another person… any other person…

      Love to you as you go through your day…
      DJ

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