“Mistakes are akin to people tripping and falling. When the cheater plots and plans things out with the lover, it is an organized conspiracy of theft.”
-Jeffrey Murrah, LPC
I have said for some time that my husband didn’t just make a mistake when he had an affair. He woke up every day for six years and consciously made the decision to betray me. Jeffrey Murrah, a therapist who works online, wrote the above statement today in his blog. I like the way he put it – an organized conspiracy of theft. The cheating spouse steals from the marriage, whether it be time, attention, affection, or even tangibles such as jewelry and other gifts. He or she is in it with the affair partner. While they probably don’t see it as a conspiracy, that is exactly what it is. Treason, betrayal.
Do I sound resentful? Angry? Well, it’s not all-consuming and overwhelming like it was in the past, but it’s there. I haven’t purged it from my soul yet… yet.
Last night, Daniel joined me as I watched TV, and he pulled me to him. (Yes, things are better at the moment. I’ll write about that later.) I lay against him with my head on his chest. I reveled in the feelings that welled up in me to be there in his arms. I love him so very much, even after everything… and yet the resentment remains.
I’ve come to know that love can exist in the middle of a myriad of other emotions and states of being. Just a little thing like reading Murrah’s blog today can stir up feelings of resentment and anger and hurt. And yet I love my husband. If I want another 30 years of a happy marriage, though, I need to get rid of the resentment at some point. I think God will have to help me. I don’t think I can do it on my own.
I have rambled a bit today. It’s just the emotional tornado. Feelings and thoughts are flying and crashing all over the place in my soul. I’ve stepped out of the center of the storm and back into the swirling winds. The winds are not as strong now. In the middle of it, I can smile and know that I am on my way out.
If you’d like to see Mr. Murrah’s entire post, here is the link: