In the center of the tornado

Hey all,

I sat for a while reading other people’s blogs and wondering what I should write about myself.  Couldn’t come up with anything… I’m in a funk right now.  I’m not manically depressed.  I am sitting in the center of the emotional tornado right now.  It’s calm.  It’s quiet.  But I can’t get out.  I can’t see the path.  I can’t feel anything but that lead apron of sadness sitting on my chest.

I went to the dentist this past weekend and they took x-rays.  I haven’t had x-rays since I wrote that post about the lead apron.  So I got to feel the real lead apron sitting on my chest.  It really does feel like what my heart has been feeling for much of the last nearly two years now.

I wish someone could take x-rays of my spirit and then fix it all up just like a dentist… maybe a crown or maybe a filling for that hole in my chest… and maybe I could get some cosmetic work done and look all shiny and new again.

My husband could do it, if he were so inclined… but he doesn’t seem to be.  He doesn’t seem to want to leave, but he won’t open up to me, either.  So we remain stuck.

I’m not lying around in a depressed state, though.  I am working hard and doing many things… made some strides in my martial arts class… and I’m enjoying time with my baby granddaughter.  It’s just those times when I stop moving and the tornado closes in on me…

Love & prayers,

DJ

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2 thoughts on “In the center of the tornado

  1. survivamama says:

    Hey there,

    I haven’t written you in a while but I’m always reading and often thinking about you as I’m confronted with similar things that you’ve written about in many of your posts (most recently self esteem, forgiveness issues). You’re cyber presence is such a comfort to me as I’ve probably said before. I feel very bad at supporting people on line and always just talk about myself…but I wanted to send you my support in the form of a little “hey there” message…for what it’s worth. I’m glad you’ve got sport and your granddaughter to quiet the tornado. Wishing you much much happiness today and in the future.
    Hugs!

    oh ps…i just started a salsa dancing class…and for a little more than an hour I totally forget my problems and get lost in the music…and sometimes the steps lol! I can imagine your martial arts classes might give you that same escape.

  2. Not Over It says:

    Hey Blog daughter – good to hear from you. Even a note to say hi means a lot. We don’t always have to be putting our lives under a microscope. I’m truly touched that you make time in your busy life to write.

    Salsa dancing! I love it! I’m glad you’re having fun with something like that. It’s good for your mind and body in so many ways, especially when you are recovering from a traumatic experience. Our center has a Latin line dance class which includes Salsa. My Sifu (martial arts master) has taken classes and he loves all kinds of Latin movement. He and I led a rumba line dance just the other night at a party. Good fun.

    A friend of mine tried to get me to learn Bachata, but that’s a little too overtly sexual for my sensibilities. I wouldn’t mind doing it in the bedroom, though… !!!

    You are always in my prayers… take care!

    Love & prayers,
    DJ

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