He’s Back

Sound like something out of a horror movie?  He’s back?  Well, it feels kind of like a horror movie to me.

We have a downstairs apartment in our house.  It is large and comfortable and my daughter and her family rent it from us.  Unless we make an effort to see each other, we could actually go for long periods without running into each other at all.  Yesterday, my daughter’s husband Jay called and asked if he could come and see his daughter.  My daughter, Lee, was calm and said ok.  He arranged to come at a time when he knew my husband and I would both be at exercise class so he wouldn’t run into us.  He must have been pretty uncomfortable since  it was not likely that we would run into each other anyway.

He came over and he talked about how unhappy he was.  He said he felt Lee didn’t care about him at all.  He said that they had tried counseling and it didn’t work, so he thought it was over.  But he says he’s not ready to call it quits.  He doesn’t want to lose his daughter.  He doesn’t want to lose his family.  So Lee agreed to give it another try.  He said, however, that he would need to be able to go out whenever he wanted to and not feel hemmed in by her.  She said they needed to go back to counseling.  He said he would think about it.

It sounds like a crock of shit to me.  Pardon my language but I am upset.  She should not have agreed to this.  It sounds just like all the cheating spouses I’ve read about.  And where was he for the past several days?  He says he slept in his car.  Likely story.

Counseling didn’t work?  He never gave it much of a chance.  After 3 sessions he refused to go back.  Lee really liked her and went back for individual sessions.  He threw a fit.  He didn’t want anyone knowing about their problems and he didn’t want Lee talking to someone about him when he wasn’t there.  But no, he wouldn’t go back.

She believes his story.  She’s letting him back in.  I don’t buy it.  The red flags are all up and blowing in my face.  My husband says I should shut up and stay out of it.  I haven’t told her my feelings about it.  Daniel and I were together when she came to tell us that he was back.  She told us what he said.  I told her we would always be here for her, no matter what happened.  Daniel stopped me from saying anymore.  He said to let them figure it out on their own.  He says no one could have talked him out of his decisions back then…

I will find the time to tell her my misgivings alone.  Will that really accomplish anything?  I am struggling with this decision.

I would like to go downstairs and move the baby and Lee upstairs with us, and throw his sorry ass out.  But that would make me an overbearing mother.  It’s just killing me inside.

I have to admit that my judgment may be clouded.  It’s just so damned hard to stand by and watch my daughter go down this road.  Maybe it’s time to turn into the FBI again.  I did it when I was suspicious of Daniel’s relationship with his old girlfriend.  I did it after D-day when I wanted to know all the details.  Maybe it’s time again… or should I wait until the red flags go off in Lee’s head?  Would I have wanted my mother to step in this way?  I would probably have brushed her off and told her that I would probably sense it if Daniel was being unfaithful.  And look how dumb I would have been…

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22 thoughts on “He’s Back

  1. Amy says:

    Wow. This is a tough one. I can’t even imagine how hard that would be. How old is your daughter? That might make a difference. I don’t know if that would even make a difference. I guess we are all different. I’m so sorry this is happening. The only positive thing for this is maybe your husband will see what this type of behavior is doing to his daughter and it is the same behavior that hurt her mother. Hugs.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, Amy. My daughter is 24. And you know what, my husband has indeed noticed that there many things Jay has said that sound just like him. Imagine that…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • Amy says:

        she may or may not listen…i listened too much to my mom at that age and honestly i shouldn’t have. but that is because she was telling me my now ex-husband was really good for me. he met everything on the checklist but i felt something was off. and when we lived together i found out he wasn’t as sweet as he appeared. good luck! love and prayers to you as well! 🙂

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi Amy – interesting. My son-in-law fit almost nothing on our checklist. My daughter has good instincts in most situations, but she was totally blind on this one. Even her brother and sister tried to talk her out of marrying him. Now she sees… hopefully she will see enough.

        She and I had dinner together tonight. Both our husbands were working late and she wanted to eat something her husband didn’t like. But really, she just wanted to be in her mom’s kitchen, getting fussed over and loved up. She didn’t want to talk yet. She just wanted to feel loved. And she always does when she is with me. I loved her up real good.

        Thank you for your prayers and your support, Amy. There are no words to express how much I appreciate everyone here.

        More love & prayers for you,
        DJ

  2. exercisegrace says:

    Oh DJ, my heart is breaking for you that you have to deal with this. Its one thing to deal with this ourselves, but to have to watch a precious child travel the same road. Unspeakable. I think Daniel is right, to some extent, she WILL have to figure it out for herself. Whether she makes him go or lets him stay, she has to have peace that SHE made that determination. What I WOULD do, is choose my two favorite books (“Not Just Friends”) is the first one that jumps to mind, give them to her and ask her to read them. I would tell her that you are there for her if she needs to ask any questions or just needs a listening ear. I would be very, very careful as he could be at your Thanksgiving table from now on….awkward! So I would be careful to couch what I little I said in generalities. Mostly just letting her talk and validating her feelings. I think the tools that someone needs most after finding out about infidelity is support, and good, sound unbiased information ABOUT affairs. That can then coalesce into the decision making process that needs to happen. Believe me DJ, you have my thoughts and prayers.

    • Not Over It says:

      Good advice. That’s along the lines of what I am thinking also. I just really needed some validation and confirmation. Thank you, EG.

      Prayers are the best – I appreciate it.
      DJ

  3. “He said, however, that he would need to be able to go out whenever he wanted to and not feel hemmed in by her. She said they needed to go back to counseling. He said he would think about it.”

    Whoa!!! Huge red flags are waving over here, too. He wants to be able to go out whenever he wants, no questions asked and he will “think about” going back to counseling??? So she is giving up everything (pride, ability to verify, her security that he won’t cheat again, possible support from a therapist, etc.) and he gives up nothing? Huh? I’m not sure how those conditions would be acceptable to her.

    Now, I am NOT a mother. However, I have a wonderful mother who has helped me through my own circumstances. She asks me logical questions and waits for me to think them through. She is pro-marriage, even with everything that has happened with us, but mostly because she sees his real effort. In a situation like this, I’m sure she would ask me to really think about what I was agreeing to, ask me how that makes me feel, and question if that is the kind of life I want for myself. She would probably point out how scary divorce can be (she and my Dad divorced after over 20 years of marriage), and empathize with specific behaviors that she had to endure for that time in her marriage. You are in the unique position of having “been there, done that.”

    The book suggestions are also a good idea. Sharing a support forum with her where she can read about infidelity and get other people’s opinions and support as well could be extremely helpful. I’m not sure what kind of relationship you two have, so I’m not sure how receptive she would be of your advice (I go to my Mom for almost everything and deeply respect her opinions, others are resentful and go the opposite direction of what their mother’s tell them). Either way, having other voices asking the same questions, giving advice, and supporting her through this could be invaluable.

    I might also point out to her that even if she does want to stay with him, she does not have to accept those conditions if they will not ultimately make her happy and fulfill her needs. There is always room for “renegotiation” if he truly wants to keep his marriage and family. Advice her to give herself time to consider what she really needs in order to move past this – and ask for it.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, Beautiful. My daughter and I are like best friends. She spends more time with me than with anyone else. We have had our rough spots, but we are very open with each other. I just worry about hurting her more.

      Good advice on what to say to her – I’m glad to have some young’uns here to give me a different perspective. I was so blown away that I couldn’t think for a while there. Having my own hurt so near has its pros and cons. I’m coming back to my sense now.

      Thank you, Beautiful.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • Well, considering your great relationship I don’t see a problem with expressing your concerns or at least asking her some questions about her feelings. As long as it is coming from a loving place of experience it can’t go wrong. I probably wouldn’t go so far as to move to evict him or put a tracking device on his phone… 😉 That would be over the line of helpful mother into overbearing. Talking to her, supporting her, letting her know it is okay to feel hurt and betrayed, saying it is fine to not know what she wants right now, and giving her a direction to reach out for advice can only be positive.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi Beautiful – I suppose it will be ok. It’s just so hard to even broach the subject. She was with me through the worst of my experience, and she knows how hard it was for me to come through the early pain. My kids still talk sometimes about Mom’s “emotional health.” I am fundamentally changed and they miss their old mom. To contemplate her going through the same mess will be difficult to talk about.

        I appreciate your time and your comments. Thank you so much, Beautiful.

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

  4. Susie says:

    Basically, you could be damned if you say something and damned if you don’t.
    If it was me and you were my Mother I would want you to talk to me. I would want to know what it looks like from the outide looking in. But if he is not cheating and you make accusations– that might create some very hard feelings for both of them. And possibly more distance between them if she communicate what you say to him.
    Many years ago when my daughter was very young she had a best friend whose Mother was also my best friend. We did many things together over the years, even vacations. The girls were inseparable. When junior high school rolled around Jenny became very interested in boys. To make a long story short, my daughter had confided in me that Jenny was having sex. If I were Jenny Mother I would wanted to know. I tossed it around for many days talking with my husband and my daughter and I decided that I should tell her Mother. Well she didn’t believe me, things were never the same. We are no longer friends and Jenny and my daughter’s relationship deteriorated, friends at school took sides. And guess what, she did become pregnant.
    I know this isn’t the same. BUT my point is, just be very careful and think this out. I think it’s great to put the question out here and get many different perspectives. Everybody thinks differently and has different life experiences. It seems to me that you think very logically and you know your daugher best. Sometimes we need to go with our gut feelings.
    All my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Susie – good story to relate your concerns… I’m sorry that had to happen to you. If I had been your friend, I would have appreciated hearing it from you. Yes, this is a sticky situation like that one.

      Everyone’s comments are helping me to think through the situation – and to calm down, too. I appreciate it.

      I’m so glad to have you all here with me…
      DJ

  5. backonmyown says:

    Sheesh! This sounds like DJ’s nightmare, part two. I’m so sorry.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, Pat. It sure is a nightmare. If I find out that my suspicions are true, I will have to pray for self-control.

      I sure hope this doesn’t turn into a long, complicated nightmare…

      DJ

  6. Noomi says:

    Wow. This is really a hard one for you. I believe he’s full of it & is still lying to your daughter. If he has really changed & is really sorry he would be asking her what he should do to make it right… not telling her what he needs & what he will or won’t do. She’s young, & in love.. all you can do is support her. Be honest with her about your feelings but I would advise to stay away from the FBI. The other shoe will drop soon & she’ll need you to have been honest with her all the while. I wish you & your daughter all the best. Your blog is inspirational.

    • Not Over It says:

      You’re absolutely right, Noomi. I appreciate your comment. It validates what I am thinking. I am calmer now, after reading everyone’s comments, and I am ready to deal with the situation.

      I am honored by your kind words about this blog. It is all of us together that make it what it is. I never thought I would become a blogger, but here I am. I try to help others, but I also learn so much and gain so much from everyone who visits. I treasure our community.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  7. SHAPE says:

    DJ–
    I’m a little late in responding to your dilemma, but you and your daughter have been in my prayers. It is so hard to know what to do. I think probably just keeping a very open line of communication so she knows she can talk to you. I rather think she will come to some terms of what she can live with on her own, but sometimes that takes time. When she does, she will definitely need your love and support, and it sounds like she will definitely get that from you.

    The most troublesome thing is what he has said to her about coming and going as he pleases AND not being willing to do counseling. I can perhaps under stand the reluctance to go to counseling. My own husband went a few times and has not wanted to keep it up (I did continue going, however). But he knows the problem he created and has been very much trying to make amends. It’s certainly not 100% better yet, but we’re better now than we were even 4 months ago.

    This is where I believe she will come to realize that someone who should love her and cherish her should not be saying he wants to do as he pleases.

    You are both in my prayers. Stay strong.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, SHAPE – prayers are the best thing for us now. I am calm now and I have not strung up my son-in-law, which is a very good thing. Ha! Actually, my husband and I have stayed completely out of it, except to tell our daughter we are here whenever she needs us. From her side, she has asked me a lot of questions, and I answer honestly but tactfully, and remind her that I am not the most objective of people in this area. She is handling things very well.

      Thank you again. I sure do appreciate being able to vent here and “talk” things through with friends here.

      DJ

  8. Doug says:

    DJ, Linda has been going through something similar with her brother for the last several months. Though somewhat different from your situation in that everyone knows about his affair, divorce, etc., it still brings her pain and triggers when she is forced to deal with it in any manner. She has chosen to stay out of things and not let he brother know how she really feels, however both of us have been put in the middle between him and our nieces and nephews. Not really fair to us, but we bite our tongues and carry on. We’re there to support anyone who needs it. For what it’s worth, I think you are handling it right by staying out of it yet letting her know that you are there if she needs you. Hopefully your son in law will get his head out of his ass! Hang in there.

    Oh, and happy 30th!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Doug,

      I have read your Emotional Affair Journey posts on Linda’s brother. It’s heartbreaking to have it happen to the people you love when you know first hand the pain and turmoil they will have to endure.

      Speaking from my own personal bias as the mother-in-law, I am not very optimistic concerning the whereabouts of my son-in-law’s head! Ha! But seriously, he is in his own little world right now and no one is getting through to him.

      30 years – a lifetime of moments cascading around two people who vowed to love, honor and cherish each other. If only…

      I am hanging on, sometimes by a thread, but I am hanging on. It’s a big help to hear from one of my heroes now and then… thank you for visiting with me.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

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