The Old Woman (my coach’s name for OW) lives across the country from us. The time difference between us and her often made it difficult for them to talk as much as they wanted. Their conversations were often cut short by work or family interruptions. She enjoys writing, so there is a chronicle of their affair in their emails, all of which my husband kept. All six years worth… He deletes emails from me as soon as he reads them, but emails from her – he kept every one.
I’ve gone into detail about how I found them in an early post, so I won’t go into it here. If you want the sordid details, here is a link to it:
I spent all night reading them – hundreds of them – on October 16-17, 2010 and went into physical and emotional shock.
The emails were regularly filled with songs of love and longing, quotes from their favorite songs, and frequent mentions of their special song. One email detailed how he had practiced that song for the first time they met and he sang it to her. He said he meant every word. It was From This Moment On by Shania Twain. For a long time, that song would send me into a flashback, with full mental shutdown and the inability to function in reality. Thankfully, I have moved beyond the flashbacks now, but those songs will still send me into a tailspin.
They also developed an email game. They would write out an acronym and the other person would have to figure out what it stood for. SYIMD – see you in my dreams. IWLYF – I will love you forever. Stuff like that. Silly, really – junior high school level of maturity. But it gave them a little thrill. After a while, they used these acronyms in all their emails as their little gestures of love. I spent quite some time figuring them all out, back when I was shell-shocked and looking for details. It made me sick to find phrases that I thought meant something special between him and me. There were many of them. You see, I copied the whole file. I had three hard copies and four computer copies.
And of course, there was the talk of passion and desire and all that rubbish, too.
I wrote a while back about how I know too much and yet not enough. I know too many details because of those emails. But what I really want to know is what is hidden in his heart. If I knew without a doubt that he is here because he wants me above all others, that he really and truly loves me and not just our family life, and that I am the love he does not want to live without – I could sprint through this road to recovery. But as I posted recently, I doubt. I have doubts about it all.
Oh, and by the way, I have destroyed – very ceremoniously – all but one copy of the emails. I am not ready to say it’s dead and gone. It’s stashed away in a place that I never go to, but it’s there, in case I need proof of their affair at some point.