I believe that leaving the past behind and moving forward is something we will all have to do in order to live a good and full life again. But it cannot be done until the past has been properly dealt with.
I had to have my car serviced the other day. There was a car out back that had been in a major accident with a big truck. Poor car was just about unrecognizable. It got me thinking about how my marriage is like that car and my husband drove it off a cliff. This analogy still needs work but I thought I’d share it as I work through it.
A car that has been in a major accident doesn’t run anymore. It has nothing left to keep it going. It is smashed beyond recognition. Many people would just get rid of it and move on to a new car. But there are some people who love their cars and will do just about anything to repair it. With tender loving care, any surviving pieces can be put together with a new main frame and new parts to create a new and even stronger car… hopefully a car that has an alarm system in place. You can’t move in it or take it anywhere until it has been properly restored.
My marriage has been in a major wreck – destroyed beyond recognition. Until we pick up the broken pieces and fit them into a new marriage, completely rebuilt with an alarm system, we will never be able to truly move forward. While we are rebuilding, we have to replace the parts that don’t work and figure out how to fit them all together to give a semblance of the familiar but with only the highest quality new parts.
Working on our marriage means communicating and finding what works and what doesn’t and how to put it together into a new working product. At the beginning, that means discussing what happened and how it was possible for one of us to get behind the wheel and head for destruction. Later, it means figuring out how to rebuild. And finally it means learning how to protect ourselves from future dangerous driving.
It takes both partners putting in major effort. My husband still feels the work is mine. He’s willing to make nice and drive more carefully and buy fancy accessories, but he’s not willing to help with the reconstruction of the vehicle itself and he won’t put in an alarm system. He won’t go to driver’s ed classes to learn to be a safer and more trustworthy driver, either. So our car remains a pile of rubble, but still he put some fancy new rims on it, and he expects us to be able to get in and drive off into the sunset. Like I’m going to trust the car or his driving? Sound like a disconnect?