No win

I am depressed today.  I have read many times that affairs are no win situations, but the thought is really with me today.  I see DynamicEclectic, whose divorce will be final soon.  It’s so very hard for him.  And there’s my wise sage LFBA, Looking for Buddha Again, whose divorce was just recently finalized, and he is suffering, too.  Then there are those of us who are still married – for now anyway.  Samantha burned some of her husband’s clothes on the driveway.  Fighter suffers silently as she tries to build a happy family for her precious baby.  NM rages at her husband and I can’t blame her for feeling out of control.  So do I sometimes.  Morgan and her husband both suffer as they rebuild their lives together.

We all question and second guess our decisions.  We all suffer.  There is misery in staying.  There is misery in leaving.

I’ll probably feel differently tomorrow.  Today it all just seems so unfair.  And an unforgiving thought is swirling around in my soul – my husband brought me to this place.  He caused this situation in our marriage.  He put me in this no-win situation.

I know that forgiveness is a process, and we have to re-affirm it often.  It’s also good for us whether or not we stay with our betrayers.  But I’m not being very good about it today.  I need to get back on my knees and ask for the strength to keep at it.  I just don’t think I can do it today.


35 thoughts on “No win

  1. nmwf1 says:

    Hi Dj, you know, i wish I knew how to forgive, i just simply don’t know how. I feel like I want to forgive my husband but the mental anguish of it all will not let me. Maybe its pride, maybe its that fine line between love and hate, I don’t know. The more I try the more pissed off I get. I’ve herd you mention a time or two that if only Danial would be really remorseful or really sorry or really something, than maybe you could get past it, but truthfully , it seems in my case it doesn’t seem to help. My husband (is) remorseful and (is) very sorry and wants my forgiveness. But for the life of me my broken heart will not give in. I’ve tried to do some soul searching to understand why, I’ve prayed for an answer and yet forgiveness is just not there yet. I think it is because of the lies and the deceit and because my heart cant take that he had another woman on his mind, and basically put me aside for a while. He loves me, I know that, I love him. Dj, You can forgive a person for a mistake, but I do not see cheating as a mistake a person makes, I see it more as blatant betrayal. They have a choice, and they make that choice. I also have a hard time with the phrase ( Affair Fog) I don’t buy it for a minute because, when a person is at that cross road, facing that temptation,they have a choice and instead of thinking of there (wife or husband) and what destruction it will surely bring to there lives, they just throw caution to the wind and jump right in there. they know its wrong but they go ahead with it anyway, then when there head is so far up there affair partners a** that they can’t see, you can call it what you want, it is not an excuse for there behavior. they should have never stepped into an affair in the first place. I know I’m no help, I know you are hurting. Affairs are hard to get past. Betrayal is hard to get past. I guess what I am trying to say is that, affairs change our lives, they slam your soul with endless challenges. When you love someone so deep and so strong , the answers do not come easy. You want to love them without heartache, you want to feel they love you without another person lurking in the back of there mind. You want back that faith in your marriage. Frankly, you want your life back. Its just not that simple. Bottom line is, it all boils down to what you can learn to live with. I love my husband, I think I just have to work on my foolish pride. When I was about 16, I read a bumper sticker that stuck in my mind, it read:
    I sometimes I feel like that. lol…
    P.s. I still had more to say about contacting the ow, i don’t have the energy yet….I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.. sorry you are depressed, I KNOW THE FEELING WELL…

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi NM – yes, it is much the same for me. I am probably less angry because I am just farther out from D-day. It will be two years in October. But I am plenty angry today.

      Affair fog is not some outside force that comes over a cheater and takes hold of him. It is a layman’s term for the defense mechanism that a person builds himself in his brain. Its is the justifications and denials and rewriting of the marriage relationship so that he can live with himself. It is also the infatuation and hormones that make him feel excited and in love. All these things combined create a barrier that keep the cheater from facing reality. That’s what affair fog is.

      You and I are not talking about two separate things. We are talking about the same thing with different terms. The cheater most definitely made a choice and crossed the line. That’s not affair fog. Once crossed, they must create a way to live with it. All the denying and justifying and arousal and ego boosting creates that barrier. That is affair fog. They sometimes never face reality and they stay in that fog. Sometimes they face it and the fog lifts slowly. Rarely it is gone in no time at all once they face the reality of their spouse falling apart before their eyes. Very rarely…

      I am on my lunch break, but I am busy at work today so thankfully I don’t have much time to think about my feelings. I feel like Dorie in Finding Nemo – just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

      Take care, NM – thinking about you…

  2. I know the feelings. Seeing everything Samantha is going through just made me feel defeated. It reminded me that even with counseling you can think things are okay when they really aren’t. That made for a really tough day… a lot of internal struggle. I don’t have an answer except keep pushing forward. You will eventually find your answer – one way or another – about whether you can forgive or not.

    • Not Over It says:

      Yes, that’s the word – defeated. I wrote that to my coach last night. I feel defeated. It feels like I have to turn into a zombie in order to stay in my marriage. I know I will find a way, but not right now…

      I am rooting for you in your marriage. Sounds like you two are making good progress.


  3. exercisegrace says:

    nmwf1, I think I could have pretty much typed your post myself. I am locked in such a struggle and I am in more pain than I ever knew was possible. Five months after dday and he wants me to “focus on moving forward” , “choose to forgive”, ‘pick what i turn my thoughts to”, “concentrate on the future”, “know that he is here NOW”, “focus on the committment we have NOW”. “stop wallowing in the past”, “choose what I want to think about”, I have to “choose where I want my focus to be” I need to “stop bringing the other woman into our lives”.

    I read something on stages of grief, and how the anger and rage part of it is actually a step forward. It means you are starting to regain your sense of personal power. You are now past the stage of curled up in a ball, feeling helpless. There may be some truth to that, although on the flip side of that coin, I am hyperaware of not getting stuck in this phase.
    So where should I BE five months out? How should I FEEL? How should I ACT? On one hand, I KNOW that we cannot rebuild our relationship if I am constantly questioning every.single.word. he says and somehow relating it back to her. ie: yesterday he told me i am his best friend. My immediate reaction was to ask if he had ever said that to his OW. Boom. Off to the races into a fight were we!!
    He has gone from seeing all the reading of books, blogs, etc as being healing me to seeing them as holding me back. Oh yes, in the beginning when I was actually trying to UNDERSTAND HOW he could have done what he did, that was all ok. Now that I realize that his shit wasn’t about ME, but about his broken messed up self… I am angry. And continuing to find support is “holding me back”.

    Lets do a quick review of the facts. You wanted to start a second business with some woman I *thought* you barely knew from another company your worked for. In reality you had been texting,emailing, talking on the phone and working up quite the little EA before ever bringing her around to meet me and the kids. I expressed concern about starting a business with a single woman, but was assured that since you would be working from our basement, and I would always be here, well no big deal. Months later it is a full blown PA. And whats really sick?? You carried it on IN OUR HOME! OFTEN when the kids and I were right upstairs. You and your whorebag didn’t give a rat about the kids possibly catching you. oh no. Didn’t matter. The kids had to watch you ignore them and pay all the attention to her, including frequently taking her out to lunchh or dinner while your family sat at home. Business!! She would come outside and horn in on our family type, running the kids away from gardening or target shooting and y ou seemed not to notice or care.
    I was the one who had to calm crying children who begged me to tell them you weren’t going leave. And now I find out you considered it. Briefly. You took her on at least two or three business trips and admitted that you let her spend the night with you sometimes. Really? You wanted that fat whore in your arms?
    Now, you wonder why i am struggling to rebuild our sexual relationship. Why its hard for me to be intimate with you. It makes you made enough to say… this the way its going to be from NOW ON??
    And lastly, for those wondering where MY accountability is in all this. Where the fault lies on my side, guess what? There is none.
    My husband himself will tell you he was happy in our marriage. He loved our life. But he became depressed when a combination of life events overwhelmed his ability to cope and he simply imploded. Sought an escape from reality. His business was failing, our finances were crap, his dad had died, we had just moved into a house we now prolly couldn’t afford because our other real estate didn’t sell for near what it was worth, and we adopted two young children (we have two other biological children. I had asked him repeatedly what was going on. By the time I realized he was depressed, it was too late. The EA had gone PA and he was not coming out of it. But I would not find that out until much later. Over two years of lies. Over two years of having this person in our house every day. Trying to be a better wife. doing everything i knew to do. Communicating better, begging him to go to therapy. Interestingly his whore knew he was depressed to the point of suicidal with a plan. She said NOTHING. Told him NOT to get help. That I was the problem and she was the cure.
    The things he said to me were beyond cruel at times as he worked desperately to hide his dirty little secret. Protect his sleazy double life. Angry? you bet. Resentful? who wouldn’t be.
    But the big question of the day is this……HOW do you turn this around? I do love him, I just don’t believe him anymore. He tells me he loves me…..SO WHAT. He said those words to her. Im his bestfriend? BFD….she took that over too.
    Maybe its just a really bad day for me, but I feel that 90% of the work right now needs to be done by him. He burnt it down, he needs to build it up until I can trust and believe.
    Sorry everyone I am just hurting and desperate today.

    • Not Over It says:

      I’m so sorry you are also hurting, EG. It’s gotta be extra hard that it happened in your house with someone you saw every day. I wish I knew how to turn it around. It seems we just have to keep venting and talking and venting and talking until we’ve talked and vented it all out of our systems. I don’t know…

      The marriage counselor we saw back in Oct-Nov made a big deal about the fact that he believed my husband loved me. I said the same thing – SO WHAT? He said he loved me. He told her he would love her forever, into the next life even. He told her she was the one God created to be at his side. He told her it was a long, hard journey to have to live his life here until the day they could be together. Life wtih me was just so miserable. He would see her in his dreams… all the while sleeping next to me. But he loves me? Sure. I have no trust, either. And he has done a number of things over the past 20+ months to continually tear down any trust we were trying to build. But he loves me? Yeah, right.

      Don’t be sorry, EG. I am right there with you.

      Take care –

      • exercisegrace says:

        Thanks DJ, you have no idea what that last sentence means to me. I really and working and trying so hard. I want healing with all my heart, just not at the expense of my soul.

      • Not Over It says:

        Well said. That’s it exactly – not at the expense of our souls…

        When I was at your stage, I would put on the music from Braveheart. I felt like the music did not try to make me cry. It did not try to cheer me up. It just let me be who I was and where I was. It reached down into my soul and swirled around in my pain with me. On the outside, it would seem that this would only prolong the pain, but no, it was very therapeutic.

        I hope you have found ways to express your pain. Expressing it in some way lets it out so that it can ease up and eventually go away.

        When I listen to that music now, it brings back the memory of how bad the pain was, but it is no longer that bad. It does get better if you work through it, EG. It just takes a long time.

        Love & prayers,

    • nmwf1 says:

      Hi EG, All I have to say is your husband is delusional if he thinks you should get past such a betrayal in 5 months, he’s going to be damn lucky if you even learn to cope after a year. God knows the rest of us haven’t or we wouldn’t be here. 5 months is how long it takes just to come out of the total shock and awe. The next phase is an endless roller coaster ride of anger, resentment, jealousy, disgust. rage, depression, self hate, hate him, hat her, hate the world, you name it, pick your passion its on the ride to. You won’t be able to get off this ride for a long long time. For all I know it may take a life time. Hey its the truth and it sucks big time. (I’m just saying)…..

      • Not Over It says:

        My husband tried the same crap on me 3 months after D-day. He said I should be over it already. That’s when I created this blog called NOT OVER IT, and that’s when I went and found the Marriage Sherpa site. I cannot say enough about their marriage coaching program. My coach James has skillfully guided me along a path towards healing, and is still today an integral part of my journey.

        And EG – at 5 months I was still in excruciating pain. There is no way you should listen to what he is saying about that. And there is no timeline. Some people take a long, long time and others not so much. I am much better than I was at 5 months. The pain does not cut so deep and I don’t spend hours crying anymore. But it still hurts and I still cry – just not as much.

        I believe the recovery period is directly linked to the efforts of the cheating spouse. You are absolutely right that he has to put out huge effort. Unfortunately, you will probably have to take charge of it and that will make it take longer. Few cheating spouses realize how much easier it would be if they did what needed to be done instead of trying to skirt around the issues and pretend there isn’t a huge elephant called BETRAYAL sitting in the middle of house. We wouldn’t need all these blogs if they did.

        You will be fine, EG. You are part of our community and we will stick together.


      • exercisegrace says:

        Yes, I am well aware that this is a journey to healing, and its not a sprint! He very much wants it to be over. Very much wants to live the idea, ok you say you are staying and that you forgive me and we are going to rebuild our marriage, so lets only concentrate on THAT. On what is positive and future-focused. He can’t see all the emotions that I have to deal with every day, sometimes minute by minute. You listed them quite rightly above!!

    • nmwf1 says:

      One more comment, The moment your husband said stop bringing the other woman into our lives, my eyes would have turned red with furry, and rage would have been inevitable, since he is the one who brought her into your lives in the first place. I am fuming for you as I read that comment. He is not my husband and I want to rip his head off. I really don’t want to be bitter, but I guess that is exactly what I am, at least today anyway, tomorrow who knows. Sorry! I am just venting…

      • Not Over It says:

        Ditto. It made me mad, too. Trying to turn it around like that is gaslighting, and shows that he doesn’t understand your pain and just wants to be let off the hook. It sounds just like my husband. But if he doesn’t do the work and look inside himself to figure out for himself what caused him to cross the line when so many others in similar situations don’t cross it, then he has not learned anything yet.

        My husband now vacillates between showing empathy and trying to get off the hook like that. And he has not learned much, either. Don’t allow your marriage to go down the path that mine has. It will just stretch out the pain and suffering. Insist on self-study. Insist on boundaries. Insist on communication even if it is painful.

        I’m sorry if I am being overbearing here. I don’t want anyone to be where I feel I am right now. There will be a post on this topic soon.

        Love & prayers,

      • exercisegrace says:

        I told him once that I feel like he shot me three times, and he wants me to be grateful that he STOPPED and didn’t pull the trigger a fourth time and wants some kind of credit for THAT! You wouldn’t berate someone who was just in an auto accident because they can’t get up out of bed and walk yet. You would give them some time to heal, and express patience with that process. Yes, he has expressed remorse and I do believe that he feels bad. However, he wants MY attention and feels all neglected when he doesn’t get it. My analogy to him is, well I am so sorry you got some burns on your poor hands when you burned my LIFE to the ground!!!!

      • exercisegrace says:

        He gets that phrase/idea from our MC, who says that I am giving the OW too much power in my/our life. To some extent I agree. I need to move beyond “her” and what “she” did. My husband is the one who broke his vows to ME. He is the one who is supposed to be my best friend, and be with me for life. She had made no commitment and no promises to me. She is a scumbag, nonetheless, for being able to do what she has done to another human being, particularly when there are children involved! But she has no connection to me outside of her relationship with my husband. I do believe that it is time to focus more on what I need from HIM to heal. What my expectations of HIM are to repair the damage he has done. The boundaries need to be clearly defined. You are very right, it is hard not to be bitter. Especially when I can look around my home and see reminders everywhere. I’ve quit exercising because I can’t stand to go downstairs to where “that” room is, and where “their” office was (and his still is). A part of me is deeply resentful of the choices he made, and WHERE he chose to live out those choices. In the end though, this is MY life and the one CHOICE I HAVE is how I respond going forward. I won’t lie, I have been very angry lately and said many things better left unsaid. Things, if I am honest, more designed to hurt him and be mean. Things to remind him of what he has done. I know I need to start letting go of some of that. Not excusing it, not saying I would EVER let it happen again, but having made the decision to stay and rebuild I have to begin to honor and live that decision. To that end, I told him I am writing out a list of what I feel I need to heal. What I need him to do (and NOT do). I am drawing my boundaries and he will respect these or he won’t. In fairness, I have asked him to do the same. I plan to review these with our MC, and also with my on IC I use online. I am a VERY different person than the doormat wife he used to have. He woke up a dragon, LOL.

  4. survivamama says:

    Hope today is going a little better. In all the blogs I read yesterday and today the writers (all happen to be women) are having a particularly rough time. ugh. AFFAIRS SUUUUUUUUUCK! The name of your blog just sums it up…not over it after 5 months, 7 months, 18 months, 2 years…a lifetime? The stupid idiots don’t realize that their actions have consequences throughout a lifetime and even into the next generation. Hugs to you blog mom 🙂

    • Not Over It says:

      Hello Survivamama – I hear you. Even into the next generation… very true. My children are forever changed by the selfish, narcissistic actions of my husband. No going back on that one…

      Hope your weekend is going well. Love & prayers to you, blog daughter

  5. nmwf1 says:

    Your exactly right Dj, its a typical tactic to get themselves off the hook, and it is an insult. They slam a devastating blow to your marriage and your heart, and expect you to suck it up and never mention it again. REALLY! REALLY! I got news for him, Sure Pal! dream on , he opened a can of worms in their lives and unleashed an infestation. My husband started saying all of those things about focusing on us to, right away, so that he could get off the hook, he realizes now it just isn’t that simple. Relationships are hard enough with all the everyday crap that happens, But an affair is life changing, its not something you just fix and move on. People divorce for lesser things that happen. Frankly EG it takes a strong love for someone to save what is left, and rebuild on that. But don’t suck it up for a minute, In the beginning, after the initial blow, I had rage, meltdowns etc, then I tried sucking it up because i was afraid he would leave. Till my mental anguish got the best of me and my heart almost exploded, Then I didn’t care if he left, Not being true to your feelings no matter what they are for the day, anger, resentment, pain, jealousy, what ever, will destroy you inside, I hate what my husband did and mending is a long, daunting process, I will not give up whats left of me, so that he can just forget his betrayal. EG, Dday for me was 7-3-12 one year and I still am having a terrible time and Dj can tell you how triggers will take its toll on the betrayed. We are all here together, this site is my outlet. Prayers to all of us to get through another day.

    • exercisegrace says:

      Wise words dear heart, wise words. I spent the time during his affair suspicious that something was going on, but believing his lies and believing the best about him. I ignored every intuition inside of me and I regret it. I cried and begged and pleaded. I was terrified he would leave me. I should have pushed harder, investigated more, set them up to get caught. Still, I choose now to believe that perhaps God protected my heart from the full truth and that is why we are still together and trying to work it out. It would have been horrible for our four kids if I had caught him at the time, because I know for sure I would have asked him to leave and I would have initiated divorce proceedings.
      I think I am reaching a place where I am going to try harder. I WILL express my emotions, but I will try to do so without cussing, name calling (her) and making cutting remarks about what he did. I will heal in MY time, on MY timeline. I will NOT stuff ANY of my pain. I will not sacrifice MY healing for HIS. He told me once that the only way he can heal from this is if I do. I told him, SORRY…I can’t heal you. I can’t carry your pain. I can’t take that on my shoulders. I am lying in the ashes of my life trying to find the strength to rise and renew. I have told him repeatedly that actions have consequences and in THIS case, his consequences are for life. This will be with us ALWAYS and FOREVER. Even the MC said the same thing. I believe we can rebuild something better and stronger, but it will take a lot of time and effort and I frankly am not sure he is up to the task. LIke many, he just wants to stuff this all in a box, put it up high high high on a shelf and never look at it or speak of it again. I warned him this will NOT be the case. Not that I am going to hold this over him forever, but the trust is gone and there will always be triggers that pop up. Hopefully in time, they will elicit only twinges, not searing pain. Blessings to everyone here, the support is amazing.

      • Not Over It says:

        I am glad to hear you say these things, EG. I feel your strength. You will overcome. I also feel your compassion and kindness. Your husband will be so lucky if he can come to see what he needs to do. Hang in there.

        I’m glad you feel the support here. I’m the lucky one here. Our blogging community has been a real lifeline for me.

        Love & prayers,

  6. You’re always right on the money, DJ. Lately I have been in an extreme roller coaster ride and when I do think about the past, which is quite often, I do it in silence while my husband is at work and the baby is sleeping, and I do suffer in silence. My heart is always heavy and the only time when I do have joy is when I spend time with the baby, and thankfully he does take up most of my time. But there’s still those late nights before I go to bed and my mind goes straight to where it hurts the most.

    Just the other night, as I do every night, I hugged my husband good night in bed and he pulled me close and said that he didn’t want to lose me. I stayed on his chest and as we started talking back and forth I just lost it and 10 minutes later, his t-shirt was drenched in my tears. It does feel like it would be so easy to leave, but I know that’s not necessarily true.

    I have thought about leaving, many many times before and what would it means for both of us, but we are so happy with each other now, and even more when we’re around the baby. But the misery is still there, for now.

    Always thinking about you and wishing the best for your recovery.

    • exercisegrace says:

      Blessings to you fighter, you give me so much hope!

    • Not Over It says:

      My dearest Fighter,

      I have been thinking about you and I wanted to add that I feel your heart through your words and I understand. I have also drenched my husband’s T-shirt in tears, and just recently, too.

      As happy as you are as a couple now, the past still hurts. Maybe you need to find a way to express it so it doesn’t leak out all over the place.

      I’m always praying for you…

  7. Not Over It says:

    You are such a special lady, Fighter – strong and smart with a heart that holds everyone up, even though it is still in repair.

    You are also always in my thoughts. Hope your weekend is a great one with lots of fun with your sweet son.

    Love & prayers,

  8. Dear DJ, Here is part of a poem by Judith W. Steinbergh; I don’t mean to say in offering this to you that men have not been a help here, O know they have. It’s more of an intuitive thing; I just feel that this poem will speak to you; it has been in my mind for a couple of weeks so there must be something to it. If it resonates for you, you can look up the poem to see the whole thing. So, here it is:
    here is what she needs and keeps her
    a net of women so strong that when she falls
    from the tightrope she walks day after day
    sometimes with easy precision, sometimes
    with wire cutting her feet into bands,
    sometimes with a fatigue so great
    her dreams have to hold her, that when she falls,
    her women friends tighten their almost
    invisible web, and she bounces and breathes,
    bounces and weaves every fiber of their strength
    into her own body, bounces and is free…
    a speck in the cranberry dawn.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, Paula. That brought tears to my eyes. I would not make it through this mess without that “almost invisible web” of my friends here in our online community. I will definitely look up the whole poem.

      I don’t share with anyone in my “real” life. The blogs here and my coaching program here are the only places where I know everyone understands my fears and my pain. We get it.

      I appreciate your keeping in touch and showing your support. It means a lot to me.

      Love & prayers,

    • survivamama says:

      Gosh, I’m in tears too! what a lovely true poem. One of the good things to come of all this is that I have realized how great and important my girlfriends are. This poem is a nice homage to them. They are my life partners really…I know they’ll pretty much be there “until death do us part”…my husband I’m not so sure.

  9. Morgan says:

    I rarely open my email, but when I do I click on your blog updates and read them all. I think of you often. I often wonder if my xap’s wife ever feels the things you feel or thinks like you do. She and my xap were SO incredibly strange beyond belief that my mind weighs heavy in thoughts that they aren’t going through what my husband and I are. Neither one of them are “normal”. You know I’m not saying that as a massive disrepsect, but you read my blog, so you know what I’m talking about. Oh how I wish the thoughts would go away and that I could click my heels and it would all go away. There are days I feel free and days when the chains of my sin are just too much to carry. I cried while driving today (listening to Adele)….haven’t done that in awhile, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it all.

  10. Not Over It says:

    Hi Morgan,

    As always, it’s good to hear from you. I also think of you often and pray for you and your family.

    Your xap’s wife is a strange bird, that’s for sure. It’s hard to say whether or not she feels as I do, but she’s gotta feel some kind of pain over it, I would think. I don’t know, but it would seem so…

    I don’t want to hurt you with my sometimes sarcastic remarks about the OW, but it’s a fact of life that she hurt me and I will never want to be her friend. But in my case, the OW has no remorse over anything. None. She’s not like you at all.

    You are the person I think of when I think of what a reformed wayward would be like. I’m glad you have days now when you feel free. I think your chains will get lighter as your husband works through his pain. Just stay open to him – you taught me that in the beginning, and now I say it with you.

    The thing that eats at me is whether or not my husband really loves me and would he choose to be with me if there were no other strings attached. Maybe your husband needs more affirmation in this, too? I would love to be romanced and chased again so that I would believe this again at a new and more honest level.

    I’m sending over hugs and good wishes, and of course, my fervent prayers for you…


  11. Teresa says:

    Sigh….I LOVED reading all the comments….so much love and understanding here…I’m going to check in more often!
    Loved the poem also, going to share it with my my three “sisters” that I met on EAJ blog! They are my support system though this hell called affair recovery!!
    Exercise Grace….wow!! What a sad, sad story… gosh, what a selfish pig your H was and still is!
    I’ve told my H several times, after reading all the affair stories I’ve read, I’m convinced that there is a selfishness in a cheater that is a part of them from birth, and for complete healing, they need to clean that out of them, eradicate it from their soul!!!
    After almost 21 months since Dday, my H and I ARE so better, but just tonight, when I was feeling really down, this after seeing pics of the cow on vacation with her family (the cows daughter leaves all of her FB open to the public, and YES I shouldn’t look on there because it depresses me, but I do peek every now and then, lol)
    Anyway, I started crying a little because it’s soooo unfair that her life seems to be so wonderful, having fun with friends and family, and none of them know what a true skank and a liar she is!!!!

    So I’m on the front porch with a cup of tea, my place to go to have a quiet cry, and my H comes out and I start talking about the EA, and he reminds me that a several weeks ago, when I was HAVING A GREAT DAY, I told him that I really don’t want to talk about the EA anymore, Since it does no good to talk about it, since it’s in the past and I can’t change what happened and would he remind me of that the next time I get upset!!
    So what does the fool do!!???!! He reminds me of this, right there, with tears rolling down my face!!
    And the first thing I think of is ” You just don’t get it…..STILL!!!!! I could have screamed!!! Seriously!! My tea cup was in my hand and the thought of throwing it at hi……ok, at his FEET, was sooo strong!! My gosh, the fury that just errupted over me!!
    He CAN’T remember what I NEED to help me heal….but oh boy, he can remember me telling him that I don’t want to talk about the EA anymore!!!
    I’m with you DJ. I wish I would have kicked him out on Dday, I really think it we would be farther along is this “journey”!!!!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Teresa – Oh man, I sure understand where you’re coming from. Some days I think I am healing nicely and other days I think I never will. And there are still days when I go and look at the OW’s website, too. Not often anymore, but every once in a while I can’t help myself. Yes, kicking him out, at least at the beginning, would have served a good purpose. Seems so, anyway…

      My husband and I had an awful argument the other night where he showed the same inability to remember what I need to help me heal. He had the nerve to tell me I was being unfair to dare to bring up his affair. I laid into him real good. Most cheaters are so much the same in these ways…

      Hope you are off to a good weekend. I need to get some sleep. I am a teacher and just started our new school year – it’s always tiring at the beginning. Great kids, though, and I’m happy with the way things are coming together for the year…

      Sending love & prayers for you and yours,

    • nmwf1 says:

      Hi All, This is familiar to hear because my husband does something equally as annoying, every time I am feeling down and noticeably bothered by my thoughts my husband will start telling me how much he loves me, sounds good but really it feels like he patronizes me, because it is a tactic to keep me from bringing up what is bothering me. I get that he doesn’t want to go there, but it only stuffs my feelings until I explode later. He can’t win, I can’t win, its a vicious cycle. I want to stop the madness and move forward, but how? I can’t help where my mind takes me, I can’t help that my heart will not let go of the pain. And I know he feels helpless because he can’t change what he did. So where do we go from here, Just ride it out till it someday subsides. I’m tired, I’m weary, I’m depressed tonight, this past weekend was good, i pushed past my thoughts to enjoy a little time together, but I wish I could get back the happiness I felt before this all happened. I told him that I do not feel unhappy in the marriage, I just don’t feel happiness either, if that makes any sense. Of course it doesn’t make sense, but it is how I feel. I love him, I don’t want to live my life without him, I know he feels the same about me, but I just want to feel that I was never second best, even for a short while. He tries to convince me otherwise but how can I believe it after what he did. My heart cannot except the fact that he had another woman on his mind and in his heart. I still cant believe that I did not sense something was going on, and even worse looking back; I did at one point think something was strange about his demeanor one night, but dismissed it, without another thought. I feel sick about that now. hind site is 20/20. But at the time it never entered my mind it could be another woman. How F***ing naive was I? I really want to kick my own ass for that one. Can there be much worse than feeling regret on top of misery? All of this feels like a broken record to me. I’m sorry, good nite friends….

  12. survivamama says:

    No it’s not a broken record…it’s the truth and it’s good to get those true feelings out. AND it’s nice as another BS to read that other people have the EXACT same thoughts at times…makes me feel less crazy. I “push past my thoughts” on a daily basis as I try to rebuild something with him and I also understand the happiness dichotomy that you presented …maybe on paper it doesn’t make sense but in my heart and mind it’s exactly that too.

    • nmwf1 says:

      thanks Im just so tired of fighting my mind on a daily basis. even when I’m doing things to occupy my mind, (its occupied alright) by a nagging presence that I cant shake. No matter what I am doing, it stays with me at all times.Worst of all I really hate that I can’t look at my husband without that heavy feeling lingering in my heart, even when he assumes that I am not thinking about it. (I am) I often wonder if that feeling will ever go away. Its really getting old…………

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