I have been feeling recently that perhaps I cannot get past my husband’s affair. He continues to show that he doesn’t understand why I can’t just get over it and go back to the way I was before and the way our marriage was before. My coach James says that an affair changes everything. There is no relationship to go back to. There is no spouse to return to. There is no marriage to return to. It was destroyed in the aftermath of the fire and pain of betrayal. If you stay together, you rebuild a brand new relationship with a spouse who is now different and a marriage that can never be what it was before.
My trip did nothing to change this feeling. It did wonders for me in rediscovering myself. I feel more grounded and self-aware than ever, and I am stronger and more in control. But this feeling that it’s not going to work pervades…
I came across a blog today and this particular piece spoke to me. Maybe it will speak to you, too. My husband certainly needs to see it. I’m going to send it to him. I have copied some of it here, but here is a link to it:
Affair Recovery.com is a blessing to people on both sides of infidelity. This is a portion of a blog on that site, written by a contributor named Samuel on July 19, 2012. He cheated on his wife and is trying to rebuild his marriage. He talks of true, internal, and life-changing healing. It makes me cry to read it. That is what I have longed for 21 months now.
Here is an excerpt:
“Perhaps I had married the wrong person. Perhaps the affair partner and I were meant to be together instead of my wife and I. Maybe this was all a sign and I needed to take action.
I was seduced by the illusion of it all and gave way to one of the most powerful addictions in existence: “self-addiction.”
It was all about me. What I wanted. What I needed. What I deserved. What I was feeling. The pre-imminence of what I deserved as a hard-working, married man who had needs and desires that were going unnoticed.
How wrong I was and how deceived I had become. It’s truly sad to think of how much of a self-absorbed wrecking ball I was for anyone and everyone in my life.
If you’re trying to heal today, one of the best things you can do is remind yourself each day that this is NOT just about YOU. As long as you are addicted to yourself, and your focus is on yourself, your mate will never find the healing that they need. I promise you, YOU will also never find the true, internal and life changing healing that is available for you.
My own recovery never really took off till I put my focus on Samantha and her recovery first. Then, almost seamlessly, my recovery began to flourish and life made so much more sense, even in the midst of great pain and anguish.”