validated

This trip is proving to be even more valuable to my recovery than I ever thought possible. I wish all BSs could do this.  It has validated who I am today.  I am much changed from who I was before all this mess, but I am comfortable and confident with it… for right now anyway.  I know better than to say everything will be good from here on out.  Been there, done that…

Daniel asked if he could join me for the last part of my journey.  He arrived last night.  We had a good evening together.  Already there were two triggers – his phone and him getting angry over my reaction to the trigger.  I didn’t make a big fuss.  I just asked him to put it away.  It was just the fact that I still have triggers that made him angry.  But his anger takes me back to the evening before Dday when I was suspicious and he got way over-the-top angry about it.

The triggers twisted my stomach into knots for a little bit but I got control over it.  I told him what was bothering me and left it at that.  I refused to engage him in an argument and we cooled off quickly, and were ok after that.

I didn’t suffer any triggers while we were apart.  That was a big change from his last trip where I freaked out over a lot of things.  Not this time.  I was the one on a trip away from the home, which was the setting for the nightmare of the last year and a half.  I was the one experiencing all kinds of new and different things.  It was wonderful.  And then as soon as I saw him again, the triggers started again.

What am I saying here?  I’m not even sure myself.  He is out right now and I just wanted to take a minute to say hi to everyone and let you know what’s happening.  No time for heavy duty thinking on this yet.  Your thoughts?

Love & prayers,

DJ

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14 thoughts on “validated

  1. Peggy Guichu says:

    I’ve been dealing with this exact issue now for 19 months. When he’s away from me I seem to be so much better. Able to make rational decisions and even smile at things. As soon as he walks through the front door I’m triggered. He has been doing the same thing for 13 years. Calling me before he comes home. This is how he was able to structure his time with his affair partner. He’d call me and get me out of the way so he could be with her. Now he does it under the “being transparent” rule. And it triggers me with every phone call.

    I am having deep feelings that I will never get past the triggers enough to rebuild my relationship. He hasn’t changed his habits other then not having an affair. He’s still waiting for me to get over it so we can get back to normal and anyone who’s gone through what we, the betrayed, have gone through will testify that there is nothing to go back to after an affair. The affair wipes the marriage slate clean.

    I have wanted to take a serious time out and leave town for over a year now. I’m seriously thinking of doing it now. I need to feel for a length of time what it feels like to be me without his triggers confronting me daily.

    • DJ says:

      Hi Peggy,

      I sure do know how you feel… my coach says that my husband are too closely joined at the hip. Since D-day, we are generally together whenever we’re not at work. Trouble is, he conducted large parts of his affair from work and that is a trigger. After a six-year affair with his first love, there is little that is not a trigger, including his face sometimes. A far away look or an angry look is all it takes…

      So for me it was wonderful to get away. I will write a couple posts about my travels, but for now, I’d just like to say that my trip was the best thing I could possibly have done for myself.

      I wrote a post today about the need for cheaters to make changes that will help their spouse heal. Is he willing to read or go to counseling?

      I’m praying for you already as I write this. Whatever you decide, our blogging family will be there with you.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  2. Teresa says:

    I don’t understand how he can angry over you having a trigger, DJ…when he’s the one who made you start having triggers in the first place!??
    It takes me back to a conversation my H and I had a couple weeks ago…he told me that he doesn’t believe in the “affair fog”! My H is the cheater, he had a 4 mo EA with a cow (the two legged variety!) he dated over 28 yrs ago…anyway, my H said it’s called selfishness, utter, complete selfishness, not a fog! He knew what he was doing was wrong, he felt guilty at times, but he pushed that aside because he liked how the cow made him feel!
    I have to say, I agree!!! CS ARE selfish! I mean we are all, to some degree, but it seems to me that a cheater has an over abundance of selfishness in them…first they have the EA or PA and then they have the GALL to get angry if we want to discuss the affair or heaven forbid, we have a trigger! GASP!! How DARE we have a trigger and upset them! Yep, selfishness reigns supreme in a cheaters heart!!
    I’m happy for you DJ, that you’ve gotten away for awhile…I hope you can figure things out, so that you get the happiness you deserve!

    • nmwf1 says:

      Hi Teresa, NO NO; I wouldn’t call cheaters selfish, Selfish is when you have lots of something and don’t want to share. No. a Cheater is more like an immoral, lying, deceitful, pathetic excuse for a human being that has a serious F***ING FLAW IN HIS F***ING CHARACTER !!!!

    • Noomi says:

      I agree.My husband used to get angry at me for having triggers.Is there anything more ironic? Angry at us for a situation they created. Selfishness is a HUGE part of their character.. which is why they get mad when we’re upset over triggers.They feel we have no right to “upset” them. Laughable.Each situation is different & you know your man but he should deal with your trigger emotions more gently.

    • DJ says:

      Hi Teresa,

      Thank you for commenting on that. It is fear and guilt that drives my husband – he expresses it through anger. It is very typical of him, and quite common among cheaters, from what I gather.

      Your reference to affair fog makes me think of some mystical thing that grabs a cheater’s brain. I think some cheaters might like us to believe that this is the case, but we all know it isn’t. I have looked for a good definition, and have settled for a little of everything I found. It is a defense mechanism we all put up when we are confronted with something we cannot handle. It is the term for when we delude ourselves into accepting and believing things that are not true. And according to my coach, almost everyone deludes themselves about something or other. It’s like the gambler who always wears red underwear or the narcissist who believes he is irreplaceable at work. It’s not real. It’s all delusion. Another term would be denial. Like the alcoholic who insists he does not have a problem with drinking. All these things are delusions. And if we are doing something wrong, we build up our delusions over time to keep from having to face reality. People in affairs really go off the deep end here. Like the alcoholic in denial, they do not see that they are being selfish and cruel. They only see what they want to see.

      I’m glad your husband sees the truth. May it set him free…

      I most definitely believe that cheaters are at heart selfish, narcissistic people who have little regard for others. I love the way you put it! As I was reading, I laughed out loud – for real – and I said to myself, “You go, Teresa! That’s something to read over and over!”

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  3. nmwf1 says:

    Hi DJ, You seem to be making some progress, at least if not in your relationship, for yourself. That is really good to hear. I on the other hand have worked myself into a raving self destructive lunatic. My obsession about contacting the OW became a reality last Thursday evening, Yep I am a glutton for punishment. I seem to have lost my pride, my dignity, and whats left of my mind, The first thing I said, was who I was, she paused and was a little shocked, even more shocking she was at a BBQ in our town for her fathers birthday which in turn shocked me. First off my husband was driving in from out of town with a couple of other guys so I knew I would have a window of opportunity in the evening to talk to her before I picked him up about 30 miles from home. I left my house a couple of hours early so that I could sit in my vehicle and gather my thoughts and dial her number (blocked) from my cell phone. At first she said she couldn’t talk, but then said no I will step outside. which she did to talk in private. I began by telling her that what her and my husband did behind my back and for that matter her boyfriends back was pathetic and hurtful. I told her that I feel that I have gotten half the truth from my husband about what went on and I would like her to tell me the whole truth, Ironically enough she was not hateful at all, and was willing to tell me what I wanted to know. I think she was a little reluctant to say much unless i asked a specific question because she did not know how much I already knew, At first she said her and my husband go way back before him and I were married, she said they were in love back then (he tells it different) i asked her if she told him she loved him now. her comment was he knows how much I still love him, (what ever.) I asked her why they broke up years ago, she said he got mad at his father and joined the navy and left. I asked him that question before and he said they broke up way before he went in the service. I asked her what she felt her relationship with my husband was about but before she answered i told her i knew about the phone sex, and the vulgar pictures they sent back and forth to each other. she said she was emotionally connected to him, that he was her rock to lean on because she was having trouble in her own relationship and that my husband made her feel better about herself. ( I was getting ill er by the minute) kept my cool. I asked her how many times they had phone sex. i told her he said more than once but wouldn’t tell me how many times. {he really told me 2 times) she told me about 15 times (I was shocked) but I believe her she was very credible. I held my composer. I asked her if he had ever talked about me. She said oh heavens yes I know everything about you. I know what you look like, I know you have long curly chestnut colored hair. I know everything you’ve done for the past 35 years, I know about your kids, your new grand baby. he told me everything about you. UGH!!! I felt extremely ill. Ironically she told me he loves me very much. i just told her how i felt about the betrayal. She said she was sorry. There is much more to tell you about my conversation with her, but i don’t want this to be any longer than it already is. I will come back to tell you of the aftermath of the conversation when I ambushed my husband. I’ll say it wasn’t pretty. Like the ladies that posted above just looking at my husband sparks triggers and extreme resentment. I believe she told me the truth about things and that my husband lied to me a lot. I am at my whits end, i don’t want a divorce, he does not want a divorce, but something has got to give. (That something is probably me) before its to late. (I just wish I could convince my broken heart to mend)

    • DJ says:

      Oh my God, NM, it could have gone so much worse. I know you felt you needed to do this, and I certainly understand, but please be careful. I don’t want you to get hurt in any way.

      Yep, I was trigger-free for most of my trip. Amazing, isn’t it?

      Take care –
      DJ

  4. Noomi says:

    I understand why you did it, but I’d advise to not contact her any more. I’d like to hear more of your story. I know exactly how you feel. The triggers are torturous. I contacted my husband’s OW too & wishes to this day I hadn’t. It’s so painful & you just want the whole story & not just his but there will never be any satisfying responses, not really.

    • Not Over It says:

      NM has been a frequent commenter on my blog and her story is strewn across the pages along with mine. I’ll look up some of the comments that tell a lot of her story and put them down here when I have time.

      NM – maybe you should start a blog, too.

      • Peggy Guichu says:

        I got the gift of meeting the OW the day after I’d spent 24 hours traveling from China at a company BBQ. I had my worst hair day and was still swollen from the plane ride. She was all over him which is when I started asking questions. It took him 9 months to own up to his affair. Only after she had left him for the guy she was waiting for while she was having an affair with my H who lived in NY. He was getting his divorce because she had broken up his marriage. They’re living together now and if I had his phone number I would call and tell him. My H was so broken hearted that she dumped him that he JUST HAD TO TELL SOMEONE. Seriously, I’m never going to get over it. I contacted her through email and she got all bent out of shape and told my H that I was blowing up her email and after all it was only “innocent fun”. Two year later and the innocent fun has ruined my marraige. Triggers are daily because he’s still working at the same job so when he calls to say he’s going to be late all the calls he made to me saying that were because they were together. They did everything together at work for four years including having an affair, so any reference to it and I’m counting and breathing.

        I’ve been listening to Steve Harvey’s book on my Kindle about what women should know about men. It’s actually interesting. I’m pretty negative about needing to know what men want. They can all kiss my ass as far as I’m concerned. He says if they cheat, go. They don’t deserve you at all. I wish it were that easy to make that decision.

        Why leave now. I know who he is. Anyone new and I’d always be wondering when it would happen again. And my H knows what will happen if it does happen again and he’s SOOOO sorry. He hates it when I talk about the triggers, but I do it anyway. Why do they all have to figure it out on our time? Now he loves me and is committed. Now I’m not so sure and I was totally in love with him before this.

    • DJ says:

      Oh Peggy, how awful. I wish there were words to make it all better…

      I understand what you mean about not leaving now. So true… I have to admit I am considering that as well.

      Take care,
      DJ

  5. Teresa says:

    DJ, glad I could make you laugh! We can ALL use a good laugh during this mess, can’t we? 🙂 That’s what has sucked for me during the last 19 mos since Dday…I have a wicked sense of humor and it got lost along the way…I got sucked in to EA recovery and nothing was ME anymore, does that make sense?
    I lost who I was, I became someone I didn’t like much….I shut out my friends, I stopped reading, which is a passion of mine….I just couldn’t lose myself in the fantasy of a book, when it seemed like I was living a nightmare!!
    I’m finally getting back to the real me, like a butterfly shedding my EA cocoon….I’m tired of letting the cow control me, I’m tired of stalking her FB page, I’m tired of staring in the mirror, comparing my face to hers ( I win, btw hehehe 😀
    I was tired of living half a life…I think the turning point for me was going on vacation with my family….to the cows hometown!
    My H had a business trip in the bordering state, and knowing I’d be less then thrilled that he was going to be within a hundred miles of her, even though the EA was over the minute I discovered it, he asked me if I wanted to take the kids and go with him, make it a family vacation…I was like “Heck yea I’m going!!
    So we went and had a great time (its my H’s hometown also) AND since I had the address, ( Yea, I did my homework months ago)…we even drove past the cows house! HA…it was a DUMP!!! Worst house on the street! Faded paint, no landscaping, the fence looked like a strong wind could blow it over! I looked at my H and asked “So, can you even imagine what the INSIDE looks like”? LOL!!!! Oh yea, it was a sweet moment seeing his face….his “special friend” lives like a slob!
    So yes, this is what I have been reduced too…acting like a freaking seventh grader…”MY house is better than YOUR house!! LOL!!
    But it was closure in a way…I went back and nothing bad happened, we had a great time, and I’ve realized that I need to move on!
    My H, while not perfect, is making small steps….I do wish he’d try harder to communicate with me when I have triggers, this is something we are working on…but his “love style” is an Avoider (howwelove.com) so it’s really difficult for him. We rarely argue over the EA anymore, I realize, as does he, the cow could have been anyone, it wasn’t about HER, it was about my H’s need to for acceptance and admiration, and she just happened to be around at the wrong time!

    NM, I also spoke to the cow….and had a blast!! She called my cell back in Feb. and wanted to know if I had been talking to HER Husband!! HA!!! First time I had ever spoken to her…and I OWNED that conversation!
    The best I can figure it, several months earlier my husband had emailed her husband so he could apologize…and he gave my cell number, since his had been changed and we didn’t want her to have it…so she must have gotten on her H’s email and saw the number…and was wondering if her husband and I had been talking…lol, I haven’t ever talked to her husband…but I never told HER that!! She cared nothing about me, so why should I care if she’s upset at the thought of me and her husband talking?
    So NM I can understand you wanting to talk to her…It’s understandable…just don’t let it set you back, especially if your husband IS trying to work with you to get past this… 🙂

    • DJ says:

      Hi Teresa, I can see your quick wit in all your writing, even since the beginning. It’s still in you, and I’m glad the heaviness of that X-ray apron we all wear through the mess is letting up and you are seeing your funny side appearing again.

      I am there, too. I laugh a lot now, like I did before. I still cry a lot, too, but it’s not usually the big long crying jags anymore. It’s definitely getting better. I am also a reader who couldn’t read for a long time. That’s changing, too. I still can’t focus for as long as before, but I enjoy it again.

      I had a little elvish grin on my face as I read about you and your hubby driving past the OW’s house. Sweeeeeeet! You are so strong and so funny, and I’m glad your husband can face it. My husband could never… he’d probably threaten to have me institutionalized if I so much as suggested going to the city where she lives.

      Glad you are here with me and all of us in our community…
      DJ

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