Serendipitous? Maybe not.

I was away from home for a while, and came back last week.  I’m leaving again soon on another trip.  My husband will be gone for several weeks over the next few months, too.  The timing is almost like a trial separation.   So I’m using the time to think things through.  Can I live without him?  Can I live with him?  Things are not working the way they are.  What changes would make it work? Does he really love me?  Hence the topics of my recent posts…

Just after I came home, a couple of things happened that blew me away. I suppose it could all have been just a serendipitous combination of events, but wow.  If God was trying to get my attention, He sure did.  It was almost unnerving.  I’d like to tell you about the first one today.

A fairly new friend that we met at our fitness club called and asked if he could come over.  He said he needed to talk.  We were relieved.  The guy had seemingly vanished for two weeks before that, and none of our friends and seen or heard from him.  We were glad he chose to tell us what was going on.

So he came to our house and we had a nice dinner and then he began his story.  We didn’t know much about his past and he filled us in.  He cheated on his wife and left her five years ago.  He said that what he did was horrible, but he did agree to take care of his wife, and he has supported her for the past five years.  Over time, he came out of the affair fog and said he realized that he had ruined his life.  He tried to bury the pain.  He couldn’t face his wife and he never saw her.  He just sent checks in the mail.  But as much as he tried to bury it, it forced itself up to haunt him.  The guilt ate at him.  He went into such a depression that he had a meltdown and didn’t leave his house for two weeks.  He contemplated suicide.  I messaged him on that day, unknowing, as did some of our other friends.  It helped him to make the right decisions and he decided to reach out to my husband and me.

I had told him some months back that my husband and I had gone through some difficulties in getting along with each other, and that we were trying to work it out.  He told us that night that he has watched us since then.  He sees us a few times every week at the club.  He noticed the times when we seemed happy to be with each other and he noticed times when the tension between us was clear.  He said that the thing that intrigued him was that we were so obviously in love with one another and even through our difficulties, he saw each of us reach out to the other at different times.  He said it was wonderful to watch.  It was also difficult for him to watch.  What if he had done the right thing and reached out to his wife?  What if he had tried to make it work?  We were a constant reminder of his failure.

So why reach out to the two of us?  He said we accepted him just as he was.  We opened our home and our hearts to him readily just as we opened our hearts to each other even through our difficulties.

Wait… what?  Was he talking about the same DJ and the same Daniel who have been the subject of this blog on infidelity?  The same DJ who is looking at time apart and thinking about making it permanent?  Have I been blind?  Has he been blind?  No.  Can’t be.  Can it?

It was hard to hear his story and even harder to hear him talk about his observations of us.

I hope that Daniel takes in the part about trying to bury it and not deal with it.  For me, I know I have to look at the words:  “you guys are so obviously in love with one another.”  It’s obvious?  We are?  He sees us reach out to each other?

Well, Daniel does do all kinds of little acts of service -that’s his love language – when we are at the club.  He brings me drinks, he gets all my equipment ready, he carries everything for me.  That is his best way of showing love, I guess.

But then, there’s that stupid part when he tells me I should make his love language my own.  Then we’ll have no issue about showing love.  Nice.  Really nice…  Idiot.  But wait – do I love him in spite of that?  I suppose I do.  Oh, I am so torn…

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12 thoughts on “Serendipitous? Maybe not.

  1. persuaded2go says:

    This is so very cool to read and brought a smile to my face! You will find your answers…I feel confident of this…just look in the right direction.

  2. SHAPE says:

    DJ–
    Your husband and mine sound alike in many ways – acts of service, especially. My husband constantly does nice things for me, but that is not my love language either. I suspect that many would think he treats me so well and that our love for each other is obvious (much like your story). I feel like we put on such a good face to everyone. Really there are only 3 people who know most of the details of his affair, and 2 others who know just that there was a friendship that wasn’t quite on the up and up, but they don’t know any details.
    However, this past weekend, I finally did get the courage to use this conversation opener: “it may not have been your intention, but here is what I felt when you said…” I must tell you that using this as an opener was a very effective approach. What I did have to say was nothing about the affair, but about something he had said a few days before that really bothered me. He was appreciative that I explained it to him in a non-threatening way and conveyed my feelings. We were then able to go on and discuss some aspects of his affair. At least it was a start.
    I said one of my desires was that he take the initiative and ask me if I have questions, that we have a time each week that we could talk, and that I needed him to say he was so very wrong (not just sorry, but wrong) to have done what he did. I didn’t get any of those things to happen yet, but I hope I have planted a seed that may yet grow.
    We were able to touch on some of my questions, but even I know I can only ask so many at one time. And actually my questions now are not so much about what happened, but just more to validate that my feelings at the time were correct– that he was cheating and lying–when I mention specific times of how I felt. Even though I know it is painful for him to “relive” some of this, I feel it is important for him to do so to understand my pain. I can forgive and have forgiven, but forgetting is another matter. I doubt that will ever happen, but maybe the remembering happens less often.
    I am still best when he is home. When he is at work, it is hard, as they became friendly through emails and then arranged to meet.

    • DJ says:

      Hi SHAPE – that sure does sound so much like my situation. It seems they are trying to make up for their betrayal through courtesies and acts of service… from my perspective it often seems like nothing more than some sort of penance. But since acts of service is his love language, maybe it is more than that. Maybe it is really an act of love. Possibly…

      Thank you for sharing that sentence starter. I will definitely try it before I leave on my next trip. And I’m so glad to hear that you’ve made some progress with it!

      I am also best when we are together, where ever that may be. But he travels for work frequently, and he travels home to visit his mom frequently, too. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that there is no safe place. He conducted his affair everywhere. It was worst on his business trips because there was no family around, but he still managed to conduct his affair at work, at home, at his mom’s house, and even at our fitness club. My coach reminds me all the time to cut him loose. If he strays again, my answer will be swift. I will be gone. Easier said than done.

      I look forward to updates on how you are doing with your talks. Hope you are well… I’m praying for you.

      DJ

  3. nmwf1 says:

    Hi Dj, This story is such irony isn’t it. I mean really, I know your husband must have been sweating, He might have kept a poker face, but I can assure you it made him extremely uncomfortable., and I’m sure he could not give much advice without being a hypocrite. But maybe this will open his eyes a little more, before its to late. I’m having a little trouble coping this close to D-day but I’m trying to hang the best I can. . Take care.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi NM – I’m glad to hear from you. I will keep you in prayer as the day approaches. Try to think of it as the day your husband turned away from his selfish ways and made the best choice of his life. He chose to be with you. I know that’s easier said than done, but it sounds like he is really in love with you. That is priceless.

      Thank you for your encouraging words. I needed to hear them. Let’s keep on supporting each other through this.

      DJ

  4. Teresa says:

    DJ,
    Same thing here…my H practically waits on me hand and foot….but since he told the OW all the “great” things he was doing for me, during the EA…most of it means nothing to me now, especially since the cow told my H in an email she sent about 6 months after DDay, that he was “doing penace” to make it up to me : /
    What I need and want from him, MY love language, is to have him talk to me and hug me when I’m having a down day…..yet, he struggles with this….just last night we argued over this very point!
    He was gone away on business last week for 3 days, and gone again today, possibly overnight….and this is when I start to feel insecure.
    And he knows this, but doesn’t do what I need…instead, he’ll make me a cup of tea, run a hot bath for me, fold the laundry….and while I DO appreciate all of those things…Its NOT what I need and in a way, it seems like he’s taking the easy way out, after all, how hard is it to fold laundry, verses opening up and talking and being vulnerable to me?
    He struggles with showing empathy…the whole growing up in a abusive household, ACoA, etc…but we’ve had that talk soooo many times…at this point I get so frustrated because he just doesn’t seem to see what I need, even though he says he’s changing…and he IS….just not in the area I most need him to change in, and then I start to feel like a selfish witch because why can’t I just be happy and content with the changes he IS making, and forget about the emotional support?
    I’ve lived like that for all 26 yrs of my marriage, so it’s nothing new, but I just can’t seem to accept that! If I’ve had to endure this hell called infidelity….I want it all now! The whole package! Physical AND emotional! Am I wrong for just not accepting what he has to offer?

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Teresa – That is exactly what I go through. My love language is also to have him talk to me and cuddle with me. He does do the cuddle part and he says he loves me all the time, but it often rings hollow because it seems like something he just has to get done.

      And business trips are a HUGE trigger for me. I will have to get through it because we will be apart for several weeks over the next couple of months. My coach is ready for me to write a whole lot during that time. I know I will need it.

      And yes, exactly. My husband knows what I need – we have talked about it – and sometimes I even ask for it. But instead, he will cook dinner and clean the kitchen, sweep and mop, whatever – and it doesn’t help much.

      I also found in their emails where he complained to his OW (Old Woman) that he needed to do housework to keep me from making him miserable. So NOT true… And there was a period where I was very sick during his affair. He took good care of me and the house. But then on DDay I found emails where she had to tell him it was ok to take care of me, that she understood that he needed to. That just makes me feel so loved.

      So I understand just where you’re coming from. How I feel for you…

      My coach and I have talked about how I used to just accept his inability to speak my love language. But that was before Dday. Coach James says that an affair changes everything. I accepted him as he was because he was a good and faithful husband. That perception has changed. So now the crap has to change, too. It’s a whole new ball game now.

      I’m glad you are here among us so that we can share. Hope the week is starting off well…

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  5. DFB says:

    DJ,
    I hope your husband realized how lucky he is that you granted him a chance for reconciliation. After a meeting like this, combined with the other chance encounter, he should be very, very grateful.

    My opinion is biased, I know. Hugs.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey DFB – I really don’t think he does. That’s part of my problem right now. It’s a day at a time…

      I look to you for inspiration. The lemonade you have made from your lemons is wonderful to hear about. I look forward to reading your blog.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • DFB says:

        DJ,
        While I appreciate so much the accolades, I’d have to say that you are working for something just as sweet…it’s just the opposite of what I’m working for. Sometimes I read your blog and I’m amazed at your faith and your commitment…it makes me wonder for a brief second if I could have done it. I know that I made the right choice for me–it may have been the only time in my life that I could trust my intuition (well, I think I’m in the midst of a second time). It seems that your intuition is telling you that your choice is the right one as well– but you’re journey is not alone and thus more complex. I wish peace to you, as I cannot imagine how hard it is to do the dance of vulnerability with your husband. I hope it gets easier very, very soon.

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