I doubt

I know a woman who cheated and journaled about it.  Her husband read it.  It must have been very hard for him to read that, and yet I understand the compulsion to do so – at the beginning of the aftermath anyway.  The depth of her feelings for her affair partner and the pain at losing him… well, that is what I feared about my own situation.  And what if the jerk had fought for her instead when her husband found out?  Difficult to contemplate… feeling like second fiddle can be unbearable.

The thought that I am not the love of his life, that my husband had to learn to love me again, and did not just love me naturally is so very difficult.  I have read many, many things about how it was not real love and that affair fog super-charged his perceptions about her and buried his love for me.  I have read that he didn’t fall out of love with me – that his mind covered it over with a thick blanket of fog because he could not otherwise live with the sin he was committing.   I have read and read and read about affairs and affair fog, and for a while I thought I understood and had accepted it all.  But my husband’s recent behavior has stirred the pot and again I doubt.  The words they wrote to each other ring through my mind – it sure didn’t seem to be figment.

He has told me that he realized at some point that he didn’t really love her – it was all fantasy and feeling vindicated for proving that he could take her away from her husband.  Her husband took her away from him all those years ago before he and I got together.  Then he said he looked for a way to end it without me finding out, which took some time.  But I doubt him.  I don’t trust his words.  Is he just trying placate me?  He was depressed for a long time.  Depressed because he was longing for her or because he hated what he had done to himself and to me?  I don’t trust what he says about that, either.

I am not devastated anymore.  The pain is not excruciating.  It used to be so bad that it seemed to emanate from my body in a sort of aura.  It was all around me like a cloud that surrounded me at all times.  I wanted to die and seriously contemplated it for some time.  It’s not like that anymore, but it still brings tears as I write this.

I think it would help me to know absolutely that he no longer pines for her and that he really and truly loves me.  I can understand having a soft spot for an old love – but pining for them is different.  I smile when I think of my high school boyfriend.  But do I long for him?  No.  Not in the least.  How would it be possible to know absolutely that my husband no longer pines for his OW?  I don’t know.  I guess that’s partly why I am stuck.

At this point, I am feeling mostly bitterness and resentment.  Where am I headed?  I’m looking for answers.


17 thoughts on “I doubt

  1. persuaded2go says:

    I wish I could offer you some answers

  2. Hey Sweetheart,
    I am so sorry, reading your words…they could be my own. It is incredibly hard to have a detailed account of the affair. To know the wonderful things he said to his girlfriend while he spoke to you like a dog. I still struggle daily with the knowledge that he has to try to be in love with me. Lately he tells me all the time that he loves me, but I am far from a place of easily trusting him again. I gave my trust to him easily and fully when we married and he made a fool of me. I can say one thing about this whole affair crap….It will be hard to make me a fool again. Hugs and prayers to you.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey Jules – glad to hear from you. I just checked in at your blog to see if there was any news, and hoped that no news was good news.

      I know you understand where I am in my spirit right now – and I wish you didn’t. But I’m grateful that we have found each other here.

      I am using this time during my summer break to think things through and make some decisions. My children are grown, but I had them fairly early, and I have of lot of good living yet to do. How do I want to live? Where? With whom? Alone? With some hot young stud muffin? Just kidding… lol

      Yep, our eyes are open now. Wide open…

      Love & prayers to you,

  3. Amy says:

    I know about the doubt. The thing is that maybe you do need to work at falling in love all over. Maybe you should try to find new common ground. Find new things to experience together all over. It won’t erase the old stuff. But maybe more and more new experiences can make you both loosen up and really be yourselves and start to get past it. I hope. ❤

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Amy – good ideas. We have become involved in a number of new things together and they have helped, but my husband continues to betray my trust. He has not had another affair – that I know of anyway – but he will not be open and honest and has done little to help me develop trust in him. I am taking a hard look at whether I want to continue the battle.

      Take care – hope you are well.

      • Amy says:

        DJ, do you know what would help you trust him? Have you read the book about Love Languages? I don’t mean to throw so many questions at you. I just hate that you are hurting so much. I get that pain and don’t wish it on someone (well, a few, but not many). I just learned a lot from my personal misery. Take care, hon!

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi Amy – No worries about questions – I appreciate your time and consideration of my situation. Yes, I have read The Five Love Languages. In fact, I read the latest revision after D-day. I had read the original way back when…

        I know exactly what I need from him. He just won’t do it. He thinks that if he pushes his way and rants and raves for a while, then I’ll cave and let him do as he pleases. He is a control freak and he is trying to play this out as a control issue. Not this time.

        I’m sorry that you are also a member of our community that understands this kind of pain. I have also said that I don’t wish this on anyone, with a few exceptions – like his OW.

        You inspire me with your stories of moving on and going after new things in your life. Thank you for sharing.

        Sending love & prayers to you,

  4. Have you talked to him about this? We can all support you, but only he can truly ease your mind. I know that it is hard to believe someone who has lied. But does he seem sincere? Do you think he has regret and remorse for what he did? What is still holding you back from believing him?

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Beautifulmess7 – He was great at the beginning but he couldn’t handle the loss of control, and I have caught him in lies since D-day. That doesn’t do much for creating trust. It has been a year and a half of things, snowballing into a disaster.

      I think he is sorry but I have doubts about him being repentant. I don’t think he was lying in all those emails. Was he just in the fog? Maybe. But I have doubts. He has not shown me that he is willing to do the work to make our marriage a solid one. He fights me tooth and nail over things, mostly in a power struggle. He needs to be in control, and as the betrayer, he himself has placed the ball is in my court and he doesn’t like it.

      For me, I was willing to let him be in control before I found out. I trusted him wholly and completely and I didn’t mind his control freak ways. They were subtle and not abusive so I allowed it. But now I do mind. We’re not going back to that. And so the power struggle continues.

      We talked about things at the beginning and I was very hopeful that we were going to make it. Now he will not talk. He rages at me and refuses to do anything to work it out. I am no longer asking for details about the affair. I want us to talk about moving forward and deal with pain and with whatever is in his mind that allowed him to make those bad choices over and over for six years. But he will not. So I got stuck. And now my doubts are growing.

      I am not hopeful at this point, but anything can happen. I’m not closed to it yet.

      Love & prayers,

      • Something really jumped out at me from another comment you made and your reply here. You said,

        “I know exactly what I need from him. He just won’t do it. He thinks that if he pushes his way and rants and raves for a while, then I’ll cave and let him do as he pleases. He is a control freak and he is trying to play this out as a control issue. Not this time.” AND
        “He has not shown me that he is willing to do the work to make our marriage a solid one. ”

        I think those things are the root of this issue. If he isn’t repentant, if he isn’t willing to do the work, and if he can’t be humble and recongize his faults and the need to change things then there is nothing left for you to do. How can you trust someone who won’t let go even a little bit to save his marriage?

        I’m so very sorry you are going through this. The controlling behavior, the ranting, and the power struggle seem to be about him dominating you. In a true partnership that doesn’t happen. I can’t see how you can move forward if he isn’t willing to do the work. It sucks. Having someone else hold the key to success or failure is scary, and it turns horrible when they don’t want to use it.

        All you can do now is set some boundaries and hold them. Maybe you can snap him out of it, but maybe you can’t. So I suggest that you figure out what YOU need for your own sanity. The doubt can’t be erased while he is still not fully committed to change, so see if you can discover happiness and peace outside of him. He will either see what he is missing and jump on the train or be left standing in the station while you heal yourself and move on.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi Beautifulmess7 – That is indeed exactly what I am doing. I’m glad to get confirmation that this is the right thing to do. Thank you.

  5. backonmyown says:

    DJ, I have searched for answers, too, ad nauseum. I’ve just about decided there aren’t any. I have to accept that, I think, because I don’t know what I would do with answers if I had them. Maybe I would have a different perspective if I were younger. I don’t know. I’m wishing you peace. xoxo

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Pat – I think you are in a very good place for yourself and I look to you often for inspiration in moving forward.

      Since it’s my summer break, I am using the time to think and sort things through in my mind. I understand what you are saying about answers. I know there are many things for which I will never have an answer, and that will have to be ok. I just need this time to set a course for myself. Do I really want to be on my present course? I don’t know yet.

      I love the pictures of your trip! How wonderful to be able to do that… someday I’ll do that, too.

      Love & prayers,

  6. Teresa says:

    DJ, have you read the book “How We Love” by Milan and Kay Yerkovich? My husbands therapist recommended it….also, their website is http://www.howwelove.com.
    My husband and I both took the online test, no surprises there, I knew as soon as I read the descriptions of the love styles, that my husband was an Avoider and I’m a Pleaser….not the greatest combination, lol!
    It’s really helped us to see the mistakes we have both made and are continuing to make!
    You say your husband is a controller….the book talks about living with a controller and how it impacts you and the marriage! I highly recommend this book!
    I hope your husband wakes up and realizes what he’s in danger of losing…before its to late!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Teresa – No, I haven’t read that one. I will check out the website and pick up the book right away.

      If there is a category called Pleaser, I will probably end up in there, too. On the Enneagram test, I am a Two – the helper, and my husband is an Eight – the challenger. The descriptions say we will either be a great team or an awful one. I used to think we were a great team…

      Thank you for sharing and for your kind words. It means a lot to me. I hope this day finds you well and happy.

      Love & prayers,

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