I know a woman who cheated and journaled about it. Her husband read it. It must have been very hard for him to read that, and yet I understand the compulsion to do so – at the beginning of the aftermath anyway. The depth of her feelings for her affair partner and the pain at losing him… well, that is what I feared about my own situation. And what if the jerk had fought for her instead when her husband found out? Difficult to contemplate… feeling like second fiddle can be unbearable.
The thought that I am not the love of his life, that my husband had to learn to love me again, and did not just love me naturally is so very difficult. I have read many, many things about how it was not real love and that affair fog super-charged his perceptions about her and buried his love for me. I have read that he didn’t fall out of love with me – that his mind covered it over with a thick blanket of fog because he could not otherwise live with the sin he was committing. I have read and read and read about affairs and affair fog, and for a while I thought I understood and had accepted it all. But my husband’s recent behavior has stirred the pot and again I doubt. The words they wrote to each other ring through my mind – it sure didn’t seem to be figment.
He has told me that he realized at some point that he didn’t really love her – it was all fantasy and feeling vindicated for proving that he could take her away from her husband. Her husband took her away from him all those years ago before he and I got together. Then he said he looked for a way to end it without me finding out, which took some time. But I doubt him. I don’t trust his words. Is he just trying placate me? He was depressed for a long time. Depressed because he was longing for her or because he hated what he had done to himself and to me? I don’t trust what he says about that, either.
I am not devastated anymore. The pain is not excruciating. It used to be so bad that it seemed to emanate from my body in a sort of aura. It was all around me like a cloud that surrounded me at all times. I wanted to die and seriously contemplated it for some time. It’s not like that anymore, but it still brings tears as I write this.
I think it would help me to know absolutely that he no longer pines for her and that he really and truly loves me. I can understand having a soft spot for an old love – but pining for them is different. I smile when I think of my high school boyfriend. But do I long for him? No. Not in the least. How would it be possible to know absolutely that my husband no longer pines for his OW? I don’t know. I guess that’s partly why I am stuck.
At this point, I am feeling mostly bitterness and resentment. Where am I headed? I’m looking for answers.