My coach has told me a number of times that I know too much. I know too many of the sordid details of my husband’s affair and he says that makes it even harder to forgive and to move forward. I think there are many betrayed spouses like me who know the details of the low and dirty things our spouses did.
Some experts say that betrayed spouses shouldn’t ask for details about the affair for this very reason. Both of the marriage counselors my husband and I saw felt that way. My coach says that it depends on the couple. Some betrayed spouses have a great need to know before they can move on. He understands that I was one of those. I needed to know in order to move beyond the grief and trauma stage. I have a strong need to make sense of my life and finding out about his affair threw all sense out the window. So I turned into the FBI. I created a timeline of my life and constantly worked to figure out how their affair fit into it. I studied their emails to find dates and events. I went through phone records and bank statements and receipts. My husband never throws anything away and everything was still there, all six years worth. I have so much information that I could write a book about their affair. I know more about it than he does.
But you know, the depth of my knowledge has become a plague. I know too much. I needed to know. I had to know. But now it haunts me.
Was it wise? Was it necessary? I believe it was. I would never have been satisfied with just vague ideas about what happened. I would still be looking for answers if I had not gotten everything I wanted. It would haunt me even worse than the details haunt me now. But still, it’s so very hard to know the exact words he said to her and what he bought for her and what hotel room they were in and what songs they sent to each other.
And in spite of all my knowledge about his affair, the things that I really want to know are beyond my reach. I want to know what is in his heart but I don’t trust what he says. He lied to my face for six years! I have caught him in lies since then, too. So trust is not something he has earned.
Is he truly repentant? Does he love her still? Is he truly in love with me? How did he fall back in love with me after believing he was in love with her for so long? If I believe my timeline and the details I found, it does not look good. What he tells me today and what I know from his history with her are two different things. What do I believe? I don’t know.
I thought I had gotten past this point, but I guess I have come around to this side of the spiral again.
I guess I am still stuck.