Numb

My husband and I have not been getting along well recently.  He is acting like he did during his affair – distant and distracted.  The problem is I am looking on in sadness, but I don’t seem to feel much else.  I tried to talk to him but he shut me down.  I feel so alone.  Living with my husband, sleeping in the same bed, eating the same meals… I am alone.  I am strong and I am still enjoying God’s beautiful paintings in the sky, but I am alone.

Last night he fell asleep on the couch.  In times past, if I saw him lying down anywhere, I couldn’t resist lying down with him and snuggling up.  It was especially nice on the couch because we’d be smashed up together.  I always said that the best place in the world was there in his arms.  But last night I studied his face as he lay there.  He is an extraordinarily handsome man and still in great shape.  I looked at the lines of his handsome features and the strong lines of his jaw.  I had no desire to snuggle up with him.  In the wake of his recent behavior I am now struck by numbness.  My heart, which was shattered into a million pieces by him and still precariously held together by reassurances and tender care, is now being smashed into a pancake.  It’s time for outside help, but he refuses counseling.  I feel like I am watching my marriage being swallowed up by quick sand, and I have no way to stop it.

My coach told me a while back that he wasn’t worried about my marriage because I still felt so strongly about things.  Well, I guess it’s time to worry because I am just numb.  Is it a passing phase?  I don’t know.  A friend in my exercise class, who knows nothing about my husband’s affair or anything about our private lives, told me the other day that he thinks my husband is intimidated by my progress in our club.  Well, my husband has commented that I have replaced him as the star instructor.  I just laughed and said no way.  He is the best of the best in our club.  That couldn’t be it, could it?  I don’t know.

I’m glad it’s almost summer break.  I think I’ll go away for a while.

DJ

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6 thoughts on “Numb

  1. I’d be worried. Red flags. Do you think contact has been revisited with his former AP? Or perhaps he’s blurring boundary lines again with someone else??

    If it were me? I would go into full investigative mode. I hate that this is the life we live now, but, turst is something I hold very very close to my heart now. It is not freely given at all. And given his sudden change in behavior that your experiencing? I’d be very worried.

    Is there a reason he doesn’t want to go to counseling with you? Have you read Not “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass? His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley? Those were veryhelpful for us.

  2. DJ says:

    Hi Samantha – thank you for the pointers. I have read just about every popular book on affairs, and yes, I’ve read those. They are indeed excellent. My husband read selections from them that I picked out for him at the very beginning. He will no longer read or listen or do anything concerning affairs or even relationships.

    My husband tends to be controlling. He is better than he was before, but he still has those tendencies, and I think he is trying to re-assert his control over our relationship. Before his affair, I was willing to put up with a little controlling and some of his OCD habits because I felt he more than made up for it by being a good and faithful husband and father. Well, that’s all out the window now and I stand firm in what is needed to move us forward. He is trying to push me into going back to the way things were before. No way.

    He could be sliding into another affair, but I don’t think so. Like you, I am not a trusting person anymore, especially with him. So I always watch and notice changes. But I think this is a battle of wills over control and dominance. I do not need to control or be dominant, but I also will not be controlled or domineered when it does not serve my best interests. Sad to say, I have to guard “my” best interests as well as “our” best interests. I plan to write a post about that. I see so much of it in the writings of betrayed spouses.

    Thank you for taking the time to help me think things through. I appreciate it. Take care…
    -DJ

  3. DJ, you just said something very striking about what you used to put up with. It made me realize that I no longer am willing to overlook certain things. I am no longer willing to put up with certain behaviors. In my case too, I feel that there were balancing points. He is/does *this*, but he also is/does *that* so it “evens out”. Nope. I am so much more assertive now. I am a stay at home mom by our mutual choice and I don’t regret it. I have a degree and could have had a career if I had chosen that. I was very happy in my “nest” raising my babies and taking care of my husband and household. Now, it’s like I have been rudely shaken out of my dream life, and I have decided there are just certain things I WILL assert myself about. Ironically, I think this does not help affair recovery, as he expects me to act/react/feel/believe the way I used to, and that girl is dead and gone.

    • DJ says:

      Hi EG – My coach told me that an affair changes everything. The way you interact, the way you balance your relationship, the way you show love – everything changes. A lot of the recovery from an affair is the rebuilding of these pieces to form a new marriage. There is no going back, for either of you.

      That is part of the grieving process for both spouses. We grieve the loss of what was. Everyone keeps saying the new can be better, and I’ve had glimpses of it, but as of yet it still eludes me.

      Like you, I am a very different person today. I am more quiet and introspective. I am less sure of myself and I have insecurities that I never had before. I do not trust anyone easily and I take little at face value. People used to call me easygoing and light-hearted. Not anymore. Sad…

      Sending you love & prayers,
      DJ

  4. […] Numb (notoverit.wordpress.com) […]

  5. backonmyown says:

    I’m sorry you’re feeling low. I’ll send you my best vibes and I’ll say a prayer, too.

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