My husband and I have not been getting along well recently. He is acting like he did during his affair – distant and distracted. The problem is I am looking on in sadness, but I don’t seem to feel much else. I tried to talk to him but he shut me down. I feel so alone. Living with my husband, sleeping in the same bed, eating the same meals… I am alone. I am strong and I am still enjoying God’s beautiful paintings in the sky, but I am alone.
Last night he fell asleep on the couch. In times past, if I saw him lying down anywhere, I couldn’t resist lying down with him and snuggling up. It was especially nice on the couch because we’d be smashed up together. I always said that the best place in the world was there in his arms. But last night I studied his face as he lay there. He is an extraordinarily handsome man and still in great shape. I looked at the lines of his handsome features and the strong lines of his jaw. I had no desire to snuggle up with him. In the wake of his recent behavior I am now struck by numbness. My heart, which was shattered into a million pieces by him and still precariously held together by reassurances and tender care, is now being smashed into a pancake. It’s time for outside help, but he refuses counseling. I feel like I am watching my marriage being swallowed up by quick sand, and I have no way to stop it.
My coach told me a while back that he wasn’t worried about my marriage because I still felt so strongly about things. Well, I guess it’s time to worry because I am just numb. Is it a passing phase? I don’t know. A friend in my exercise class, who knows nothing about my husband’s affair or anything about our private lives, told me the other day that he thinks my husband is intimidated by my progress in our club. Well, my husband has commented that I have replaced him as the star instructor. I just laughed and said no way. He is the best of the best in our club. That couldn’t be it, could it? I don’t know.
I’m glad it’s almost summer break. I think I’ll go away for a while.