Awestruck wonder

I live in a gorgeous place.  I am sitting at my desk in re-found wonder at it all.  My desk looks out over the trees of my next door neighbor.  A gentle breeze is rustling through them and I see birds settling in for the coming evening.  Beyond the trees, down in the distance, are the high rises of the downtown area of our city, sparkling in what’s left of the sun’s rays.  And beyond that lies the sparkling deep blue of the ocean.  The sky is starting to turn into spectacular colors on the west side while still a gorgeous blue on the east side.  I am awestruck and sitting in wonder at the beauty right here in front of me.  God’s handiwork brings thoughts of how lucky I am to be alive and to live the life I lead and to live in this house.

My husband and I bought this house just before D-day.  We moved in and left just a few days after that for a big trip.  D-day was on the day we returned.  I never had the chance to enjoy the house.  This house is intertwined with his affair and I hated it for a long time.

In their emails, I found that my husband had consulted with her all along the way when we were looking for a house and sent her pictures of this house.   It made me feel sick to know that all the while I was so excited to be moving into this beautiful house, she was a part of it all behind my back.

Every room of the house holds memories of my nightmare.  I was sitting in our living room when I found all the emails.  It was in our bedroom that I confronted him.  It was in the kitchen that I told him to move out.  It was in our dining room that I hauled off and punched him the arm and fell apart, a crumpled mess sobbing on the floor.  It was in our bathroom that I cried buckets of tears every day in the shower for well over a year.  I slept in the guest bedroom for quite some time after D-day.  It was in the office that I found all the receipts and statements that told the story of their affair.  Literally every room holds some kind of memory of the pain and anguish of a woman betrayed and used and abused.

I have sat at this desk every day since D-day and noticed the beauty outside, but could not fully immerse myself in it.  But today – right now – I am sitting here in awe of the amazing view.  I am soaking it in and reveling in the picture God has painted for me right in my window.  I am not hurting.  I am not allowing anything to ruin this feeling and the peace of my favorite time of day – sunset.

I guess I really am better.  Even though my husband has been a total jerk recently, I am unmoved by him today.  God is sending little blessings down all around me and in me.  I don’t think I’m out of the woods yet, but I see the path and the light up ahead.  Besides, why should I allow her to take the joy out of my beautiful house?  I am the one living in it and enjoying it.  I am the one who owns it.  It’s mine.

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27 thoughts on “Awestruck wonder

  1. SHAPE says:

    DJ– What a gift for writing you have; I can visualize your desk and the view from it by the words you have written. In fact, yesterday in church, the minister reminded us all of the beauty around us God made just for our pleasure; trees and flowers that are not utilitarian, but just beautiful for us to enjoy.

    It’s wonderful that you are able to enjoy your house for the pleasures it brings. Even if it is not this way everyday, or all the time, even within one day; at least it is some of the time and will hopefully become more so as time goes by.

    The other woman was in my house too – she brought us some food she had made, as she put it to “thank my husband for mowing her lawn.” My husband was not home from work yet. I have had a hard time in those rooms that she was in: kitchen, family room, and sun room. Especially the sun room, as I had a heart to heart talk with her in that room. I did not yet know the extent of their relationship – just knew that something didn’t seem right. I let her know (and in a nice way, even), that she didn’t need to bring us any food and that he wouldn’t be mowing her lawn anymore; that I felt their “friendship” has crossed a boundary. She ended up crying – and I know she knew I was right. But they still managed to see each other occasionally, and their emails and phone calls only got more frequent–until I saw one of the emails–D-Day December 2010.

    I must say that while I have been gone for the past 2 weeks (going home today), my H has called me every day as he said he would and emailed. I know he can’t see her – she lives thousands of miles away now – and I don’t think he has been in contact with her even; but I do wonder how much he thinks of her, as this past weekend was the “anniversary” of when they first became more physical, although not “full blown.”

    The one thing he said in an email last night which made me feel better was that he “missed me” while I was gone. He had not said that in any other email these two weeks nor did he say it over the phone. I was beginning to wonder. We’ll see how things are when I get back. I am fairly certain he will not want to talk about “her,” or my feelings that are still so raw at times.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi SHAPE – I hope it was a good trip, and I’m glad your husband called every day. My husband also rarely says he misses me when we are apart these days. Sometimes that gets under my skin. Sometimes I manage not to let it bother me. Sounds like you are handling it well.

      I appreciate your kind words about my writing. I love to read and to write and this is a great way for me to process my feelings.

      Praying for a happy reunion when you get home –
      DJ

    • I wonder if they realize how much those seemingly “little” things mean. I know hearing my husband say even the small things moves me closer and closer to healing.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi EG – It seems that when they cannot say or do things that will help us, it is because they are so wound up in their own feelings – pain or guilt or whatever – that they cannot step out of themselves to be compassionate, empathetic, or even sympathetic. But yes, even the smallest words of affection or appreciation can mean the world to a hurting soul.

        Hope you are getting some of those sweet little words…

        DJ

  2. My husband’s affair largely took place IN our home, turning it into the “scene of the crime”. It no longer feels like a safe place for me, and I feel little peace here. I am only three months out from d-day, so I pray it gets better. It makes the betrayal so much more difficult.

  3. Not Over It says:

    OMG – that’s awful, EG. That’s gotta be so hard to live with. And at three months out, you are probably still in the trauma phase of your ordeal. How are you doing?

    DJ

    • It’s very hard. He wants to place all the emphasis on moving forward and gets defensive when I want to discuss the past. I found out a little over a year after he ended it, so we are in WAY different places of healing. His AP was someone that was in our home everyday, so my suspicions were met with constant lies and the betrayal cuts deep. I will never be a trusting person again. I have lost so much of my foundational truth.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi EG – But you are truly exercising grace here. I hope he realizes what a gift that is and is grateful for it. My husband has trampled all over my grace.
        I will also never be the same carefree, trusting person I once was. I know I can be happy again, but I will never be that person again. It was a loss of innocence.
        You are in my prayers as we all move forward together…
        -DJ

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  5. nmwf1 says:

    Hi all, i feel for all of you. All though my husband didn’t do it from my house, the actual text message that sparked my suspicion was here while watching a movie, I actually got rid of the couch that we were sitting on, because every time I sat there trying to watch a movie since this whole thing happened it gave me anxiety. Pretty stupid but the feeling is real. However we have an RV in an RV park, that is where he lives during the week while working out of town, and I go there sometimes for 4or 5 days at a time to spend time with him, Its like an apartment,its comfortable, its pretty, its private and its also where he had his little EA behind my back, I am no longer comfortable there even though I still go there. I have to adjust every time I get there, And its hard because I don’t tell him anything because I don’t want to spoil our weekend. But what do you do? you can’t get rid of everything that reminds you of it, or else you would have to get rid of him. I can’t stand the fact that when all of this was going on, I would spend a few days there and leave on Monday morning to drive home when he would head off to the job site, he would leave at 5am because he would have to get the work plans for the his guys ready,. i would kiss him goodbye, sit for a half hour or so and drink my coffee and watch the news before I left to travel home, and I would wait for him to call on his way. Never knowing that the first person he would call when he walked out the door was her. I bet he couldn’t wait to get out the door. and I know that he would call her, then call me, then call her back and talk to her the rest of his way to work, I still cringe when I think about it. And his phone log shows that he called her or she called him some times when I was there, maybe when i was taking a nap and late at night when I fell asleep. Such deceit. He denies ever talking to her when i was there, but his phone bill says different. I just can’t get over this and I am stuck. I see my counselor for the first time tomorrow, I had a consultation last week but I will see how it goes. i really need help with my feelings. Some days i can’t function and yet its been months since I found out. hope you all have a good day today, Dj your house seems beautiful, and you let yourself see the beauty if only for a moment, I hope it someday feels like your home as well. Take care….

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi NM – I understand. I needed to know the details and I looked up all the records and all that, but those very details haunt me today.

      My home is indeed in a beautiful spot and the house itself is lovely, too. But I decorated after D-day, so there are no pictures anywhere of my husband and me together. I have pictures of our kids up, but none of us. I thought about that after writing this post. I’m not ready to change that. He told her that he had never forgotten her and that it had been such a mistake to marry me at all. So there is no part of our history together that is untainted by it. He tells me today that he was not himself, that he was sick and said things that were not true. Whatever. I don’t think I buy that.

      I’m glad you are going to counseling. I am going to go back for some more, too. My coach thinks I need face-to-face counseling with a warm and sensitive person. He’d like my husband to go with me, but my husband refuses right now.

      Sending you love & prayers,
      DJ

      • nmwf1 says:

        Hi Dj, Funny my husband said the same thing, that he was not himself, that he doesn’t know who he was, it wasn’t him. Really! If the tables were turned, would they buy that for a minute, I can assure you they would not. Its such a cop out. We have always been taught since we were little to take responsibility for your own actions. But somehow this seems to not apply when it comes to cheaters. It was someone else it wasn’t me. Well how long were they not themselves? Until they got caught? Ugh!!!

  6. While I believe that to a certain extent (for example I know my husband was suffering from depression and the meds greatly impacted him) he also made a choice to step outside our marriage. Repeatedly. For a little over a year! I am tired of being weighed down by what I have lost. I have lost so much because of this affair. I hope it was worth it. But I know it wasn’t. In the end she showed him her true colors for the lying crazy slut she is.

    • Not Over It says:

      Let’s hope that he figures out what it is inside of him that allowed him to make these choices. Selfishness, fragile ego, surroundings… whatever it is, I hope he figures it out so he can keep from repeating the same mistake. I hope you are making the time to take care of yourself, EG. I have discovered new strengths that I didn’t even know I had since D-day. In spite of my nightmare, I am now moving forward and learning to take care of me and my needs more. It frees me to live outside my pain, if that makes sense.
      Sending love and prayers,
      DJ

    • nmwf1 says:

      I honestly don’t buy any bulls**t reason at all that a spouse would have for cheating other than they were seeking something new or exciting, or something they thought they were missing in there marriage, Frankly its a bunch of crap, There is no justification except; they were selfish, self centered, with absoluly no respect for boundaries in there marriage, and no respect for their spouse, That’s if they even gave their spouse a second thought at all at the time (which I doubt) . You know it’s really sickening to think about how much trust you put into someone and how confident you feel that that person is faithful and true as you are to them. And confident that they would never ever even think, let alone consider infidelity in any way, because you are certain that their love for you is as deep as your love is for them,
      All the while they can look you right in the eye and lie and deceive you and do things behind your back that is absoluly unimaginable.
      At one time or another marriages can get a little stagnant, cause lets face it sometimes life gets in the way, but how in the hell can a husband risk what they have with there wife for a cheap thrill, are they blind to how damaging it will be to their marriage and the pain it will cause. ( granite they don’t think they will ever get caught) but do they not feel guilt or shame at all? We all want a little boost in our lives but we don’t run out and have affairs and destroy the ones who love and trust us. Why would you do that to your husband or wife? How do they live with themselves once they cross the line? Cheating is a choice, its not a symptom of an illness, Its not a cry for help, And depression is a cop out sorry to say, cause I’m pretty sure he wasn’t depressed when he was with her. Until you found out the truth ,he was probably using depression as a crutch. Like you girls; I can see very clearly post affair that i was a door mat of sorts even though I thought we had a great marriage, but not anymore I will be my own person from now on and I will not let him dominate my opinions, i love the man with all my heart and I know he loves me the same and we will rebuild our marriage , but he hurt me as deep as hurt can go and its going to take a while to mend. I seen my councilor for the first time yesterday and she said that it is very clear that i am still in the anger and resentment stage and ,shes right but i would like to move past that, my heart isn’t ready to let go of the pain yet. sorry I wasn’t trying to be hurtful or rude I’m just in that frame of mind right now. tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I will feel better. I’m still reeling from comments that my councilor said to me that tortured me…I will tell you of that later, I’m exhausted now. . My thoughts and prayers are certainly with all of you.

      • SHAPE says:

        NM–I so agree with your statement that this was a conscious choice the cheating spouse has made. Depression to me has meant that it is hard to get out of bed, get through a day, make plans, etc. They may act depressed at home, but you can bet they have the energy to plan little get togethers, texts, phone calls with the other person, and then even how they are going to lie to us–the spouse who believes all they are telling us.
        For me, the absolutely worst thing about this whole mess is not the affair itself, but the many, many lies–the ones said and the hiding of information. In part, it is hard because I feel he has still continued to do this (especially in withholding information from me when I’ve asked), and I am 17 months out from D-Day. Every time he assures me nothing is going on (she’s too far away for him to see), I am reminded of some times in the past when he told me he had no contact with her and later I found out that was not true. Admittedly that was during the time before I knew of their tryst. Since they both had declared their undying love for each other, I am left wondering if he isn’t upset that she hasn’t tried to contact him (which he tells me she has NOT done). Do I believe this? Or do I believe that he hasn’t tried to contact her? Actually, I think he did about a year ago in a backhanded kind of way, but nothing came of it–because I saw the lame attempt on a couple of different occasions and called him on it.
        It’s the lies, lies, and more lies that occurred during their year, and even to some extent the omission of facts and details AFTER D-Day that are the hardest part for me to get over. Some days I have trust and then others, I have NONE. I wonder if I can ever get to trusting him again, ever, ever? Probably not like I once did. And maybe I have to accept that if I am going to stay in this marriage.

  7. nmwf1 says:

    Hi shape, Of all the things that i read in these posts, the one thing that really stands out and bothers me, is that time and time again I read that their partners even after D day have contacted the affair partner at one time or another, I do not have any indication that my husband has done this, other than the day I confronted him and he contacted her on that very same day to tell her it was over and that he could no longer have any contact what so ever with her, I believe in my heart that he is holding true to that, I think he knows if he ever does our marriage would be in complete dire straits, if not over, once is all my heart could take and he knows it. My melt down sessions (which have been quite a few ) have been so intense and so strong to the point of almost having a nervous breakdown, that I don’t think he would dare even think about it. I know he wants to repair the damage he already caused, we have been married 33 years, I was 19 and he was 24 and just came out of the service when we got married. I know I am still the love of his life, and he is certainly the love of mine. But I will not be made a fool of again, the pain he caused is just to deep and he knows it. I have always been totally faithful and devoted and in love with him and I expected nothing less in return . Once shame shame shame on him, twice and its over for me.

    I don;t know what kind of music you listen to but I would like for you to look up 3 songs on ( you tube) if you haven’t ever herd them . they bring me comfort when I am alone and feeling blue.

    1. (When I said i do.) : By Clint Black and Lisa Hartman

    2 ,( We all bleed red) : By Ronny Dunn, click on the one with him and his young daughter on the picture.

    3.( Husbands and wives) : By Brooks and Dunn.

    I hope Dj listens to them as well, maybe they will help. let me know what you think. Hope you have a great day. I am trying to stay positive today…….

    • SHAPE says:

      NM–Thanks for the music suggestions. I just finished listening, and they are all good. I especially liked the Clint Black and Ronny Dunn songs. My musical tastes are very eclectic (only thing I don’t like is rap music or musics with foul language lyrics). These songs struck a chord for sure.
      I do know I am better when my husband is home or I am with him – and I really don’t think there has been any contact between them. For one thing, I had the opportunity to talk to her my cell phone after D-Day and after he had written her an email breaking it off. I told her she could call me – but not him – if she wanted to talk. She tried emailing him, but I saw it first and deleted it. When I talked to her (1 time) I told her if she EVER made any contact in ANY way that that I knew of, I would tell her husband immediately. I think this got her attention, and now they have moved across the country. But I would not hesitate to tell him if I find out there has been contact. I also told this to my husband. I know it is a threat, and generally speaking, threats are probably not a good idea. But I know he would not want her husband to know about their affair, as her husband thinks of my husband as a “friend.” Some friend, huh?
      I hope you have a good holiday weekend. I am trying also to stay positive. And I do appreciate the music suggestions. I know my husband loves me, too, but sometimes it just seems he is kind of distant – it’s not something I can easily put my finger on. I just think the whole thing has changed him – and not for the better, I guess. I’m sure it has changed me into a less-than-trusting person, until I know he is truly repentant (not just sorry), but repentant.

      • nmwf1 says:

        hi shape, OMG One thing that I really regret is not contacting the OW. when I discovered this nightmare, it really haunts me to this day, but I was in such shock and disbelief. and still am to a point after 9 months but I was afraid at the time. I didn’t have the nerve but let me tell you how obsessed and pathetic i became, On several occasions, I have blocked my number and herd her voice, and instead of saying anything all I could do is hang up and cry. Sick isn’t it? I still am troubled by it. I only know that if i ever would have got the nerve to say anything I would have went off on her and she would have hung up on me and probably called my husband and then I would rage on him. I cant win. I still am very jealous,and angry and i don’t know her she lives in another state but he dated her before we were married. I don’t know if i told you that already. someday I still might if my mental anguish takes over, Not that it will do any good or serve any purpose at this point. Really what WOULD be the point?? Just torture myself I guess. she has a live in boyfriend of, i don’t know how many years, don’t think i haven’t been tempted to call him and tell him. Something else I have infiltrated her face book acct,.I don’t do face book but I made up one and she accepted me as a friend.So I was able to read her wall. and see her pictures. i have wanted to throw up, I never seen anything about my husband except; she said on face book (on her birthday last year, it was just before i caught what was going on and she said that she was awoke at 5 45 to a very sweet loving, happy birthday from a very sweet person I know, I looked on my husbands cell bill….big as life there the call was 5 45 just as she said. I of course went into a rage when he came home. I have been tempted to right on her face book and expose her for what she is because everyone seems to get on her face book on her birthday and wish her a happy birthday. what am i thinking, do you get this obsessed, or am i just a lunatic? This thing has turned me into, I don’t know what. I was so normal before. I guess for now this is my new normal…by the way I think you wrote somewhere your post is shape. because you lost a lot of weight because of all of this, I to have lost over 40 lbs since this happened , I wasn’t really all that heavy but I’m now under weight. I guess I did get back my figure thats at least helpful to my self esteem I guess. anyway take care its nice to vent to someone, thanks for being there. glad you liked the songs. talk to you soon .

      • SHAPE says:

        Yes, I did lose about 20 lbs, and I didn’t need to do that either – so now, like you, am a bit underweight, but actually I used the weight loss as an excuse to get some new jeans. It does feel good to get a much smaller size! But what a price to pay. Not sure it is worth the price!
        I am glad I had a conversation with the AP. She said it was partly my fault that he strayed with her, to which I responded firmly and clearly that it was in NO WAY my fault and what she/he did was so-o-o wrong – and that’s when I said if she every contacted my H in ANY way, and I found out, her H would be the first to know EVERYTHING. That was pretty much the end of the conversation. I hope we have a good weekend; I know I am better when he is here at home with me rather than at work.

  8. DJ says:

    No need for any input from me on these comments – I agree and I understand everything here. I’m glad we all connected with each other.

    DJ

    • nmwf1 says:

      Hi shape, whats your opinion about contacting the other woman this late in the game, I just want some kind of closer to it all, Not ever being able to say anything to her kills me. I am just so mixed up about everything. Would I just fuel my pain. or even embarrass myself. Or even make him look like a fool too. Or is it simply not worth it at all, I don’t know what to think, what would you do?

      • SHAPE says:

        NM–
        That’s a hard one to answer. But, I think for now, if I were you, I wouldn’t contact her just because it will probably not really solve anything. I know that when my H and I saw a counselor (he only came about 4 times–I continued going until she took a recent 3 month out-of-country trip), she advised that I (and of course him, too), not make ANY contact with her, as that just lets her in on how I (we) feel. I try to “take the high road” and my one time talk with her was very civil (she called me), and even though I have been tempted to call her just to “let her have it,” I know it was a two-way street between them, and he is as much to blame as she is. I guess what I am trying to say is to save your energies and strength to deal with your H and marriage–hard as that is at times–and not waste energy and time on her. She would probably only retaliate in some way, and heaven knows you don’t need that. Use this website to vent! It does help. Also, have you heard of the BAN (Beyond Affairs Network) groups that are all over the country? If not, Google it and see where there are meetings in your area. I have not been able to attend as many as I would like, but they are helpful. They usually meet 1-2 times a month and ONLY the betrayed spouses attend the meetings. I hope this helps in your decision. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hey NM and SHAPE – I have also felt the need for closure. As far as I know, she is not even aware that I know. I understand that she would probably lie through her teeth if I confronted her and it would give her the upper hand to know that she had gotten to me and hurt me, but I sure would like to let her have it. My coach had me write it out in a letter and then read it aloud until I felt ready to burn it. It was helpful, but I still sometimes burn inside knowing that she thinks my husband is pining away for her. For all I know, maybe he is, and it would serve no good for me to confront her. I’ve decided to just move beyond it. She lives a miserable life, so she is getting just what she deserves.
        -DJ

      • SHAPE says:

        NM and DJ–
        Even though I did talk with her, there is a lot more I would like to say, but I also don’t want to give her the satisfaction that I (or my H) think about her. The one thing I would love to do (but won’t unless she contacts my H) is tell her husband so that she would suffer as I have. I know that is mean-spirited, but sometimes I feel like that would make me feel better. But in the long run it probably wouldn’t. It’s just a thought I sometimes have!

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi SHAPE – Oh, I have often thought of calling the man and telling him what a slut his wife is. He caught her twice before I ever even knew about it, but he never found out all the details as I did, and he thought it ended two years before it actually did. If it were me, I would want to know. But my husband convinced me that he would be dangerous if he ever found out that they had continued on even after he was devastated by her affair. I don’t know if I can believe my husband on this point, but I do not want to take the chance. I follow the blogger whose husband’s AP was killed by her husband: http://alonglifesjourney.wordpress.com/

        So while I feel that he should know, I’m not going to say anything.

        -DJ

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