I live in a gorgeous place. I am sitting at my desk in re-found wonder at it all. My desk looks out over the trees of my next door neighbor. A gentle breeze is rustling through them and I see birds settling in for the coming evening. Beyond the trees, down in the distance, are the high rises of the downtown area of our city, sparkling in what’s left of the sun’s rays. And beyond that lies the sparkling deep blue of the ocean. The sky is starting to turn into spectacular colors on the west side while still a gorgeous blue on the east side. I am awestruck and sitting in wonder at the beauty right here in front of me. God’s handiwork brings thoughts of how lucky I am to be alive and to live the life I lead and to live in this house.
My husband and I bought this house just before D-day. We moved in and left just a few days after that for a big trip. D-day was on the day we returned. I never had the chance to enjoy the house. This house is intertwined with his affair and I hated it for a long time.
In their emails, I found that my husband had consulted with her all along the way when we were looking for a house and sent her pictures of this house. It made me feel sick to know that all the while I was so excited to be moving into this beautiful house, she was a part of it all behind my back.
Every room of the house holds memories of my nightmare. I was sitting in our living room when I found all the emails. It was in our bedroom that I confronted him. It was in the kitchen that I told him to move out. It was in our dining room that I hauled off and punched him the arm and fell apart, a crumpled mess sobbing on the floor. It was in our bathroom that I cried buckets of tears every day in the shower for well over a year. I slept in the guest bedroom for quite some time after D-day. It was in the office that I found all the receipts and statements that told the story of their affair. Literally every room holds some kind of memory of the pain and anguish of a woman betrayed and used and abused.
I have sat at this desk every day since D-day and noticed the beauty outside, but could not fully immerse myself in it. But today – right now – I am sitting here in awe of the amazing view. I am soaking it in and reveling in the picture God has painted for me right in my window. I am not hurting. I am not allowing anything to ruin this feeling and the peace of my favorite time of day – sunset.
I guess I really am better. Even though my husband has been a total jerk recently, I am unmoved by him today. God is sending little blessings down all around me and in me. I don’t think I’m out of the woods yet, but I see the path and the light up ahead. Besides, why should I allow her to take the joy out of my beautiful house? I am the one living in it and enjoying it. I am the one who owns it. It’s mine.