My husband had been disappointed when I said I didn’t want a big party for May 7 this year. It was the 35th anniversary of our first kiss, after all. But he understood my feelings about it and we decided to go on a dinner picnic instead. We both love picnics and the outdoors so we were both satisfied with that. But I procrastinated in putting the plans together. That’s not like me, but I just couldn’t seem to focus on it. He got irritated that it wasn’t all planned out on May 6. What was wrong with me?
I sat and thought about it for a while and I knew. I was struggling with the idea of celebrating May 7 at all because I was uncertain of his feelings then and now. Was I just the rebound girl? He had doubts in college when he fooled around the first time. Had he ever really loved me, or was I just a convenient girl to latch onto when he was heartbroken by her? I told him about my insecurities over all this after dinner on May 6.
I told him that for me, at this point, it all comes down to his feelings. I am unsure about his feelings then and now. It doesn’t seem like May 7 is something to celebrate if he did not love me then. He got mad. He said that it was in the past and that I needed to let it stay in the past. I told him that the past created the present and since the only concrete evidence I have of his feelings are his affairs, I needed to look at the past to figure out the present. He never at any point negated anything I said. He never said that he loved only me and he never said that he loved me back then. He just said none of it was important anymore. What is important is what he wants now, and he wants to stay with me.
It didn’t feel resolved. We decided against the picnic but he still wanted to do something so he invited my daughter and her family to join us for dinner at a bar and grill. It was nice, actually. He and I hardly had any interaction at all. That was probably for the best.
We both calmed down during dinner and we had a great make-up session when we got home. He said I was the love of his life. He said he had been an idiot. But the questions still eat at me. His betrayal still eats at me. I know he loves me, but maybe he doesn’t love me enough. What is enough? Sometimes I go around and around in my head with these doubts and insecurities.
Actually, I don’t think about it all the time anymore. I have fun and enjoy many things. But when there is a big trigger like May 7, I still cry.