May 7 Part II

My husband had been disappointed when I said I didn’t want a big party for May 7 this year.  It was the 35th anniversary of our first kiss, after all.  But he understood my feelings about it and we decided to go on a dinner picnic instead.  We both love picnics and the outdoors so we were both satisfied with that.  But I procrastinated in putting the plans together.  That’s not like me, but I just couldn’t seem to focus on it.  He got irritated that it wasn’t all planned out on May 6.  What was wrong with me?

I sat and thought about it for a while and I knew.  I was struggling with the idea of celebrating May 7 at all because I was uncertain of his feelings then and now.  Was I just the rebound girl?  He had doubts in college when he fooled around the first time.  Had he ever really loved me, or was I just a convenient girl to latch onto when he was heartbroken by her?  I told him about my insecurities over all this after dinner on May 6.

I told him that for me, at this point, it all comes down to his feelings.  I am unsure about his feelings then and now.  It doesn’t seem like May 7 is something to celebrate if he did not love me then.  He got mad.  He said that it was in the past and that I needed to let it stay in the past.  I told him that the past created the present and since the only concrete evidence I have of his feelings are his affairs, I needed to look at the past to figure out the present.  He never at any point negated anything I said.  He never said that he loved only me  and he never said that he loved me back then.  He just said none of it was important anymore.  What is important is what he wants now, and he wants to stay with me.

It didn’t feel resolved.  We decided against the picnic but he still wanted to do something so he invited my daughter and her family to join us for dinner at a bar and grill.  It was nice, actually.  He and I hardly had any interaction at all.  That was probably for the best.

We both calmed down during dinner and we had a great make-up session when we got home.  He said I was the love of his life.  He said he had been an idiot.  But the questions still eat at me.  His betrayal still eats at me.  I know he loves me, but maybe he doesn’t love me enough.  What is enough?  Sometimes I go around and around in my head with these doubts and insecurities.

Actually, I don’t think about it all the time anymore.  I have fun and enjoy many things.  But when there is a big trigger like May 7, I still cry.

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15 thoughts on “May 7 Part II

  1. Christy says:

    I totally understand how you feel about your doubting everything in your relationship from the past. I am going through a similiar experience. I have known my husband for over 44 years and been married for most of that. My husband’s first marriage happened when he was a teen needless to say it was over in a heartbeat but their was a child from the relationship. When I met him several years had passed and the relationship was over. But with being the 2nd wife you always wonder. Recently my husband was contacted on FB by a female friend that his family grew up with. Later
    I found out that he had “dated” her as a teen when the broke
    up with his first wife. Anyway his sister and this friend had been friends growing up. This friend told him that she was dying and she wanted to get in touch with her past friends. She actually started a campaign of sorts she got in touch with his sisters, nieces, nephews, everyone she could find on FB although she hadn’t been in contact with anyone in his family for almost 30 years. Everything seemed to start out innocently enough on FB, after she found him and started chatting on FB. She started talking to him about memories from the past and how he was her first love and how she had always loved him even though she is married. As time went on she posted all kinds of love songs on her FB page something she had never done prior to getting in contact with him. Eventually she started emailing him and then their were phone calls. All of this occurred when her husband and I were at work. When I found out about the calls and the emails and the FBing I became a basket case. That has been about 3 months ago and I find myself wondering all the time did he ever really love me. If he did how could he have been so stupid to have done this to me, to us, to our marriage.

    • Not Over It says:

      Oh, how I feel for you, Christy. A husband’s betrayal, especially with someone from the past, cuts to the core. It feels like the entire foundation of your life and your marriage has been blasted out from under you. And at 3 months out from your Discovery Day, you are still in the worst of the pain and fear. It’s so unfair.

      A number of therapists will say that your husband does love you. He got sucked in by the thrill and the ego boost, which covered over his feelings for you for a while. The addictive qualities of an emotional affair are hard to resist and the strong attachments formed feel like love. But they are not real love, and they will go away.

      My coach says that we can make many generalities about people and affairs, but each case is unique because we are unique. So you and I are in the same boat of trying to see past the hurt and betrayal. It’s hard. As you can see here in my blog, I am nowhere near feeling like I know what is in my husband’s heart.

      But we can lean on each other as we move along each day and try to figure out our lives. I’m glad you wrote in. It helps to share and to not feel so alone – for both of us. Thank you.

      DJ

      • Christy says:

        DJ thank you for the reply. I think you are right about sharing.
        Sorry my first post was lengthy, but I have not shared what
        has been happening in my life with anyone prior to my post on your blog. Somehow I feel a bit ashamed of the situation I find myself in. I feel like I should have been smarter. Maybe
        I should have had my guard up. I have found your blog to be very helpful over the past few months. It helps to know that I’m not the only one facing this ordeal.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi Christy – no need for any apology – it was not long at all. I really do appreciate your sharing.

        I also felt so ashamed during the first months after D-day. I still sometimes fall into that. I feel I was stupid to be so blind. I feel that people will judge me and say that I was not enough to keep my husband. I feel that they will compare his OW with me and say she must be a better woman. Maybe they will think I am a witch at home. Maybe they will think I am not good in bed. Maybe they will think I am cold and uncaring.

        I feel ashamed because I think that his OW feels that she won. He broke it off with her by telling that he would love her forever, and would pray for a day when they would both be free to be together, but he had to stay with his family to fulfill his obligations.

        Rationally, I know I am none of those things. She cannot compare to me and that is a fact. He was acting on his insecurities. But I still fall into feeling insecure myself, especially when I consider that he may have been telling her the truth about why he stayed.

        But we will find our way through this. We will.

        DJ

  2. JustMe says:

    Reading these posts are a comfort to me, I wont go into the details but my husband has hurt me and betrayed me more than once since we have been married and it makes it hard to even interact normally because he does not understand how much he hurt me so I have withdrawn from him to stay safe….which ?I know is not healthy. reading your blog though helps me to know that I can keep working through this…

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi JM – It’s very hard to heal when your husband does not understand your pain. It’s like saying that your feelings don’t count. My husband has been very inconsistent about this, and I feel it has made healing very difficult for me. He was doing well for a while and helping me tremendously, but is now back to dismissing my needs again. It’s very painful and I have not been able to rebuild trust in him.

      I hope and pray that things get better for you.
      DJ

      • JustMe says:

        Thank you,
        Be encouraged and don’t lose hope in your husband, the fact that he even took notice of your needs means that he is at least capable. I pray God will give you strength to hold on, and comfort!

        JM

  3. I’m sorry that your husband reacted with anger and indifference to your questions. I had a conversation like that with my husband recently. I wanted to know how attracted and committed he was to me at the beginning. Was I just a distraction, a way to get over his difficult break-up a year prior?

    At first he was kinda like your husband – that doesn’t change anything about right now. But I explained that it was important for me to understand if the basis for our relationship was real. He admitted that at first he really wasn’t looking for anything serious, but that my support, devotion, and positive qualities made him really understand what a relationship could be. He wasn’t 100% ready to be a mature, committed adult, so he made a lot of mistakes along the way. Now he understands how lucky he was to find me, and he is thankful for all the ways he has grown over the years.

    Also, if the anniversary was that important to your husband HE should have planned the picnic. After all, it was his idea and he is the one that needs to show you how special and important you are to him. Kudos to you for NOT planning everything. That should be his resonsibility.

  4. Not Over It says:

    Hi Beautifulmess – sounds like you and your husband are doing very well. I’m glad for you.

    My husband and I have good periods and bad periods in our recovery. Right now is not a good time.

    I was the one who suggested the picnic and I offered to plan it. When I didn’t follow through, he took over. I don’t have a problem with the way it all happened, but thank you for sticking up for me.

    DJ

  5. nmwf1 says:

    hi DJ, i am still reeling from the mothers day week end however I read your comment about your husbands way of breaking it off with the OW. Did he say that, just to appease her or did he mean that, because frankly it makes me sick for you. I really can’t believe he said that and still expects you to hang. I can see why you have a hard time this far out. I can see that not much he says makes you really feel secure. I’m having a hard enough time trying to cope and my husband just called her and said he loves his wife and the whole thing was just a mistake that really got out of hand. Even I have a hard time because of the fact that he dated her years ago and slept with her back then. I can’t grasp what he tells me as the truth because of the nature of things. But you have a little more of an obstetrical because of the way your husband handles things. He doesn’t leave much to work with except resentment. I know, and you know, that we love our husbands and can’t bare to live life without them, That’s why we are fighting so hard to win back our happiness that we once knew. My resentment keeps me in turmoil all the time and I can see yours is a little more tormenting because of your husbands lack of;, or past lack of compassion for your feelings when it all came crashing down. After all you gave him your whole heart the day you fell in love with him and decided he was the man that you would spend the rest of your life with. If he really had that strong of feelings with her before you were married he should have really did some soul searching before he committed to you. I know that’s a little harsh because its a little late for that now. So where do you go from here? where do any of us go from here? The journey is long and hard and daunting. I don’t know!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi NM – My husband wrote those things to her before I ever knew anything was going on. He never thought I would see it.

      When they talk about affairs being like an addiction, I can plainly see it in my husband. It took him two years and several attempts to break it off with her. He didn’t actually really succeed until I found out and he felt compelled to make it final. That letter where he said those things was the last attempt before I found out. After D-day, he said that he was only trying to let her down easy. He said he had not had feelings for her for a long time already.

      The fact that he had ever had feelings for her during their affair is hard enough. Wondering if he still might is a major block for me. I don’t know if I believe what he said to me or what he said to her. I had just started to believe that he was over her recently, but recent events have thrown me back off the track.

      I have been wondering if it would not be easier to just leave. Then I could heal on my own without repeatedly being thrown backwards by his attitudes and actions.

      As you can see, I am not in a good place right now. I will answer your other note a little later when I am able to think more clearly.

      Take care of yourself. Remember that life is too short to be unhappy for too long. Your husband sounds like he is truly repentant and it seems he loves you so very much. Be glad in that, NM.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • nmwf1 says:

        Hi Dj, you said that your husband made several attempts to break it off with her. To me that is a bit of an encouragement because i can see that he mush have felt it was wrong, addiction I don’t know, I do think he got caught up in it all. From what you said here, I think he was wanting to go back to being devoted to you, he was just in so deep that it became more of a challenge than he thought. My husband says the same thing that he wanted to cut it off with her but I don’t think he even tried before I caught him. I wonder how long it would have taken him to cut it off or if he even would have, and how far it would have gone had I not caught him. If the OW would have kept pulling him in that direction, i don’t know if he would have let go.. I’m wondering if your husband was different to you when all of this was going on, In my case my husband seemed the same to me except for a few things that I see now was probably a sign, but i was to blind to notice, I just trusted him so much,he Regardless of what was going through there mind at the time or how it happened and why it continue, it was still betrayal ,deceit and lies and it is hard to forgive, especially when you devote your whole life to this person and then suddenly someone else comes along from the past (which adds insult to injury) and manages to pull them in another direction. It slams your self esteem and changes your life and it puts a whole in your heart that takes years to mend if it ever will heel again. i want to go back to being happy like I felt I was one year ago long before I found all of this out. Maybe i was happy and he wasn’t, He says he was always happy with me, but I can’t see that now. How can he say he was happy with me but seek out someone else (especially from his past) its like he wondered what he missed. Dj I’m sorry if I’m rattling on, I see the councilor today and i’m a mess right now. I want answers. I think if it weren’t for your help and others on this site I think I would have already cracked. Everyone is in pain here too and trying as best they can to cope as I am. It helps to know that everyone here knows exactly how I feel. Thanks for everything. You are in my prayers to…… I hope you day is great today. I will let you know how my first counseling session go’s.

  6. Not Over It says:

    Hi NM – Yes, my husband was different during his affair, but it changed over time because his affair was so damned long. The middle years were the worst. He picked on me constantly and sometimes we fought. Most of the time, though, it was rather one-sided. He would rage at me for something or other and I would not respond. He would rage somemore and then storm out. It got so bad that my kids sat down with me one day and told me to leave him. But I was convinced that he was sick – clinically depressed and I was not about to leave him when he needed me. How stupid I was.

    Today my husband says there was nothing really wrong with our marriage before his affair, either. He just needed to prove to himself that he could take her from her husband and make her see that he was the better man. He says it was all about his ego…

    I’m looking forward to hearing about your counseling. Praying for you…

    DJ

  7. NM, I am praying for you tonight. We sound so much alike and my heart is broken for everyone here. I have only recently started posting, but have “lurked” for quite awhile. I have received more from DJ and so many others here than I can ever express or begin to return. It makes me cry when I think about it. I don’t know what I would have done without you guys. I can relate to the lack of self esteem. I feel pretty slammed to the mat these days. I may have said it on here before, but I believe we all build our lives on certain foundational truths. They are the absolutes that we don’t even question. And the fact that our spouses love and will remain faithful to us is one of them. I would have bet my life that my husband would never have cheated on me. We had a good marriage. Of course there were ups and downs, and issues here and there…we are all human after all! nothing that couldn’t have been talked through and worked out, just as we had done other times. But his depression collided with a predator that actively targeted him..by her own admission….and set out to catch him. And she did.

    I can relate to so much. You are right, the lies the deceit…it is almost too much to bear. My husband also tells me he never stopped loving me. Really? Married 25 years and you needed to look elsewhere?
    DJ, I can relate to the behavior. He became hyper critical of EVERYTHING I did or didn’t do. Nothing was ever good enough. At times I felt like he was deliberately picking a fight, but told myself that was crazy. Now I can see it wasn’t. It’s what he had to do to justify what he was doing with HER.

  8. DJ says:

    Exactly, EG – it was all about justification and feeling better about being a two-timing cheat. Sorry – I’m a little bent out of shape today.

    I am honored that you include me among the bloggers you share with – I truly believe that it helps us all to share like this with each other. No one can understand us better than others who are going through it. I am blessed by everyone in our blogging community.

    Hope you are strong today… I know we all have our ups and downs…

    DJ

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