May 7

It’s here – May 7.  Today is the anniversary of our first kiss.  We used to celebrate it and do it up as big as our wedding anniversary.  I loved our story because it was not  just a little kiss a short time after meeting each other.  It was deep and meaningful and emotional.  We had known each other the whole school year and had become good friends.  We talked a lot and saw each other at parties and dances and at school.  Never alone together, but we often attended the same functions.

It didn’t take long before I knew I was head over heels in love with him.  But I was young – 17 – and had gone through some trauma in high school and was not ready to really date.  I was content just to be near him and it appeared he felt the same.  He never told me he had a girlfriend on the other side of the country.

Then his girlfriend dumped him and became engaged to someone else.  He was depressed for a while, but felt ready to move on towards the end of the school year.  We became closer friends than ever.  Then on May 7 he asked if I was going to the school dance.  We met and had a great time at the dance and then walked outside in the moonlight for a while.  By that time, we both knew we loved each other, but neither had made a move.  We reached his car and our eyes met as he opened the door for me.  He reached out for me and we melted in each other’s arms.  I didn’t come down from Cloud Nine for days.

We both knew somehow that we would end up together.  So we always celebrated May 7 as the day we became a couple.  But that girlfriend who dumped him became his affair partner years later.  It makes it seem like our entire relationship was a lie.  Did he ever really love me?  A part of me wants to say yes, but there is still a part of me that doubts.

My husband wanted to celebrate today with a big party.  He said he wanted to tell the world that he loves me.  I couldn’t.  I handle daily life pretty well now and no one sees that there is anything wrong with me anymore, but if we had a party where people would be congratulating us on  our long and happy marriage and all that… well, I just couldn’t.   So we decided to go on a dinner picnic instead, but then last night we got into a huge fight.  So now maybe there’s not even going to be a picnic.  I’ll tell you about the fight next time.

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13 thoughts on “May 7

  1. Music has been a very big part in our lives; my husband and I. However, until now, I couldn’t listen to any old songs or even watch old music videos that can remind me of when we were together prior to the Affair. I feel as if our entire marriage was a sham and it was broken at every single moment from the time we got married up until the day he cheated on me. And forget about seeing old pictures of us together. For some reason, I can’t see any real good moments between the 2 of us back then. They all feel like lies and pretense. Maybe this feeling is temporary and one day I can look back and see our past for truly what it was, both happy and unhappy moments. Our wedding anniversary will be in July but I don’t feel like acknowledging the 13 years we’ve been married but instead the 2 years since we got back together after the Affair.

    I can see how hard your husband is trying, he is sweet. I hope you’re doing well physically and most importantly emotionally. Thank you for this story…

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Fighter – I think that may be one of the reasons it’s hard for us to move on. Thinking that you have been living a lie and repressing those feelings builds resentment and contempt. Contempt is the number one predictor of divorce. That doesn’t mean you will end up divorced, but it does mean that you are living with something most people find unbearable. They cannot come to acceptance.

      My coach and I are talking about this very thing right now. Marriage Sherpa has some good articles on acceptance. I’m not there yet, either, but I recognize some things I need to work on. I’ll post about it soon.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

      • Hi DJ,

        I think in my case, I’ve already accepted that our past is crap. Even though that’s not 100% true, that our entire marriage is not all bad, I choose to believe it because that’s what I need to believe right now (I know, this is probably not the healthiest for me). However, I remember quite clearly how horrible it got between us weeks maybe even months before D-Day, but he was probably already emotionally involved with office whore then and that’s why we were arguing ALL the time.

        I don’t have either contempt or resentment towards our past or to him, only sadness towards our past. I do need acceptance on other issues, however. I hope you got through May 7th with little problem and without any emotional troubles. Keep up the awesome work on your healing!

      • Not Over It says:

        Fighter, I have been at the place where all I felt was sadness. I understand. I have only recently started feeling that I was becoming resentful. I used almost exactly those same words you did to my coach recently. His reply: Are you absolutely certain that this is true?

        Feeling that everything was a sham is all about resentment. If you don’t feel it now, that’s good. Just be aware that it tends to build up before you even realize it, which is what was happening to me. Be aware and take steps, if you notice it, to neutralize it before it becomes a huge cancer in your soul.

        I have not gotten rid of it. I’m working on it.

        I guess most of our spouses were nothing but jerks during their affairs. Then to see the emails and texts and all that where they were so loving and romantic… it makes me sick.

        Sorry – hasn’t been a very good couple of days…

        DJ

  2. SHAPE says:

    My heart goes out to you, DJ. I know when my H and I have words about his affair and my triggers or whatever, I feel so devastated afterwards. It is difficult to talk about things. Sometimes we are able to come back together, but there is still a “pall” in the air until at least the next day.
    I fly tomorrow to visit my daughter for 2 weeks – and this includes Mother’s Day which is a HUGE trigger day for me, as 2 years ago we were at his AP’s house for lunch and that was the beginning of my nagging feeling that things were not what he was telling me. This year he will be home alone, and I wonder if he will be thinking of her. Fortunately she lives on the other side of the US – but still – I think about it. At least I am glad I will be with my daughter and her little baby boy, so I plan to enjoy myself.
    He says he will miss me and will call me every day. I hope this is true. Like you said in an earlier post about your H not really working on himself and figuring out why this could happen, my H is not doing this either. I really don’t have any assurance he won’t do this again – even though he says he will not. But there were so many lies told with such a straight face – professing his love for me while at the same time sending her emails declaring his love for her. Uggggghhhhh.
    My prayers are with you and I appreciate yours for me. You have a gift for writing that gets to the heart of the matter. Thank you for sharing.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi SHAPE – If you are reading this during your trip, I hope you are enjoying it! I give you credit – it takes strength to leave your husband and go off on a trip. But I’m sure he will follow through on calling you. It was sweet of him to say that.

      There most definitely is a pall in the air right now in my home. I try to remember that if I had committed such a grievous offense, I would probably not want to talk about it much, either. On the other hand, I think I would understand the need to suffer the consequences and make things right again. The consequences would be to walk with one’s spouse on their journey through hell and do what needs to be done to help them heal and to rebuild the marriage, no matter how much I would rather not talk about it.

      What I need right now is to know that he is looking inward to learn why he did this and take care of it, whatever it is. Not getting that.

      Have fun! There’s nothing in this world so wonderful as enjoying a grandchild.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  3. Thank you DJ, I’ll definitely keep that in mind. I used to live in resentment and possibly even contempt during the low points in our marriage, most of it because I was, unknowingly, unhappy with myself. I will avoid those 2 like the plague, at least when it comes to my husband and our marriage. However, I have absolute contempt to that despicable being. Speaking of, I just got a phone call from hubby saying he was running late for home because there was a surprise baby shower for one of his co-workers. And BAM; unhappiness, sadness, stress, anxiety, annoyance and everything else! ARGH! They are still working in the same dept and I get reminded that they are still in social get togethers at the office. Maybe this is why I’m still holding on from complete healing because they’re still coworkers!! Thanks for letting me vent here… You know I’m always thinking of you and your recovery. Take care always!

  4. Not Over It says:

    Oh, Fighter – that must hurt something awful. It would drive me crazy to know that they still saw each other at work.

    Hope the evening went smoothly and that your husband was understanding.

    I’m always thinking of you, too. We will make it through this mess.

    DJ

    • SHAPE says:

      It must be very hard to deal with the fact that your H has to see her at work. My situation is only similar in that my H’s AP can listen to him on the computer when he does his radio broadcast. They are at opposite ends of the US – so he doesn’t see her, but she can call in to him. (aAthough he says she has not–do I really believe that? I’m not sure.) But I still feel the sting of anything he wants to read, attend, learn about that has to do with her cultural background. I am away from him just now visiting my daughter and grandson – and I know there is a cultural event coming up in our home city that is being put on to make people more aware of that heritage. I think he will probably go to that, and it really bothers me, because I feel like he will be surrounded by so many things/people/ and yes, women, that will remind him of her – and then I am not there. I know I cannot make his choices for him, but it is just hurtful to know he may attend. For one thing he has to drive into the city (we live well out), and he hates driving into the city, but I am betting he will do this. I think if I were home he wouldn’t go, or at least he would ask me if I wanted to go. I am writing my worries down here in the hopes it will help me not to be afraid. Meanwhile, he is calling me every day and emailing at least once or twice. But I am afraid to “rock the boat” and ask him if he is going to attend, because it is difficult to talk about over the phone, or even email. So I will just pray that he either doesn’t go, or if he does, it will not bring him so many memories of her. At least if he does go, it is just 2 days before I return home.
      It is so helpful to know others have these same doubts and issues.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi SHAPE – For you and Fighter, it’s work situations. For me, it’s friends. I’ve posted about my husband and his OW and their group of friends. But there was another one.

        My husband cheated on me twice, that I know about anyway. The first time we were still in college. We were already engaged but he got nervous. He said it was because we are of different faiths and cultures. He started going out with someone else without saying a word to me. I caught them a few months later, sitting together in one chair in the school library. He convinced me that it had only been that day and he was trying to help her with math and there was nowhere to sit. I never completely bought it but I accepted it and we moved on. On D-day when I discovered his affair with OW (my coach calls her Old Woman) he also confessed to also having had an affair with that girl in college. I was double whammied in one day…

        The friends he had in college have said things to me over the years, like “Oh, Daniel chose the right girl to marry.” I always thought that the way they put it was rather strange. Now it all makes sense. They all knew about her and no one told me anything.

        So today there are two different groups of old friends who were a part of his relationships with other women, the high school group and the college group. The college group is trying to put together a reunion and asked for my help. They hid his affair from me, even though it was years ago, and now I know. I want nothing to do with them anymore. But I won’t be mean to my husband and tell them that. I’ll just try to arrange to never see them again. We were never close anyway. I just put up with the occasional get-together when one of them came to town.

        I’m venting, too… sorry, this was supposed to be a reply to you, SHAPE, and I vented out my own issues. Hope your trip is going well and that things go well with your husband. I know it’s hard – these things make me feel powerless over my own life sometimes.

        Love & prayers,
        DJ

  5. DFB says:

    I have no words of wisdom, but I’m in awe at the strength it must take for all of you to withstand the triggers and try to rebuild your marriages. Hugs to you.

    • Not Over It says:

      DFB – sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t just bail and give up the fight. It’s so very hard sometimes.

      But you go through difficult things every day that I admire, and yet you are a good mommy and you are moving on with your life. Amazing grace. You give me hope.

      DJ

      • DFB says:

        DJ,
        I know it is very hard. I am in awe of the resolve it must take to work through your healing as individuals and the healing you must do as a couple. Stay strong. You inspire a lot of us.

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