Entranced

Marriage therapy books and courses almost always have an exercise at some point where they tell you to look back and remember how you met, how you fell in love, and what you loved about your spouse.  I have posted before about the day when we knew we were both in love with each other, but I have not yet posted about how we first saw each other.  May 7 is the day we first kissed and we have always celebrated it, and I need to reminisce a little as the day approaches.

When we first saw The Titanic years ago, my husband said that the scene where Jack first saw Rose reminded him of when he first saw me.  We were at college orientation.  I was standing on the second floor deck of a building, leaning against the railing.  My friends were making a ruckus about something or other, and I turned away from them to look out over the lawn.  I’ve always loved nature, and it was a beautiful day.  I soaked in the sunshine and took in the beautiful colors of the bright green grass and the deep green of the trees juxtaposed against a clear blue sky.  Daniel (my husband) was walking on the grass beneath me.  He said he looked up to see who was making all that noise (my friends) and he saw me standing there.  He said he stopped in his tracks to look at me.  His roommate later told me that when he got back to their apartment, he told everyone that he had just seen an angel, the most beautiful girl in the world.  She could be Miss Universe. (I guess he’s always been a little delusional when he was attracted to someone.)

On the first day of class, in the first class of the day, he walked into his class and saw me sitting there.  He froze for a moment, nervous and excited.  He didn’t know what to do, so he went and sat in the front row.  He didn’t focus very well on anything the professor said during the entire class, even though he was sitting right smack in front of him.

I was sitting with a friend when he walked into the room.  I looked up at him and was entranced.  So much so that my friend followed my gaze to the door where he was walking in.  “Oh, he’s cute,” she said.

“He sure is,” I whispered.

Almost like a fairy tale… I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight, but we were both drawn to each other and excited by each other from those first moments.  Even today, after all he has put me through, my heart still skips a beat when he enters a room.  I still tingle when he runs his fingers down my arm.  I still miss him terribly when he is away.

But I guess he doesn’t feel that way anymore.  Miss Mousey Face (his OW) proved that.

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12 thoughts on “Entranced

  1. That is a great story. I can tell you still have a lot of feelings for him. It is also very normal that those good memories are tinged now with hurt and betrayal. You are farther along than me, though.

    I just found a journal I used to keep when I first met my H. It was literally painful to read it this morning. I was so naive and hopeful. So blind to things that would later turn out to be big issues and the root of his infidelity.

    I have a hard time giving credence to those early positive feelings because of everything that has happened since. I hope to be able to get past that soon and accept that the good feelings are just as valid as the painful ones I have now.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Beautifulmess7 – You seem to be well on your way. I enjoy reading your blog and your comments.

      I kept a journal, too, when I was in college. I didn’t write every day, but I wrote often – poems, musings, quotes – and they were mostly about my husband. I was so young – 17 when we met – and so in love. I also find it painful to read now. She was his first love – before me – and sometimes it feels like our entire relationship was a lie.

      Hope you have a good weekend! Thank you for writing. I appreciate your thoughts. Take care –
      DJ

  2. survivamama says:

    You don’t think he still feels that way when he thinks back on how you met? He is with you and not with her! Is he over the ow? Does he tell you it was a mistake or a delusion? I get doublespeak from my hubby regarding our relationship and his relationship with her. He basically loves us both. But I get the impression he feels their attraction was stronger than ours and hence the “pull” he felt to screw up everything we had to be with her. I would like to think it’s the fact that it’s been 8 years since he experienced the same thing with me so he just forgets how infatuated he was with me too. We are only 3 months out from DDay. I’m curious to know if your hubby’s feelings for the ow have changed as time goes by.

  3. Not Over It says:

    Hi Survivamama – When you have been married to each other for more than half your life, there are many reasons to stay married even if your spouse is not the love of your life. Since D-day, I have felt that he stayed because of the life we have built together – it’s all so intertwined. Our finances, our families and friends and children, even our hobbies are all intertwined. People can’t think of Daniel without thinking about DJ, too. That is the case in our own minds as well.

    He said it was a mistake and that he was over her, but I think he said it because that’s what it took for him to able to stay. For over a year, he moped around like he was in mourning. He’s better now, but that grief-stricken look still shows up on his face sometimes.

    My marriage coach is not convinced that I am seeing things as they are when it comes to my husband’s feelings. I am not convinced that I am wrong. Time will tell, I suppose.

    My husband’s affair was long – 6 years. If I had caught them early on, I am fairly certain we would be divorced now. He would not have been able to give her up. For a long time, their emails were more intense than anything he and I ever wrote to each other – ever. Towards the end, it started to simmer down a little. It was just a matter of timing.

    So you’re 3 months out? You are still in the beginning stages. I’ll come by and visit your blog and then we can “talk” some more.
    Thank you for writing. It’s so good that we can share here in our blogging community. Take care of yourself.

    DJ

    • survivamama says:

      Yes, I can TOTALLY understand that after being married for so long it’s not just about two individual people anymore…it’s a package deal so to speak (kids house friends personal history). I’m not staying JUST for the kids but I can honestly say that if there weren’t kids involved I would not stay with him. I’d cut my losses and return to my home country with a broken heart but at least my pride intact. Unfortunately it’s not so easy now, I have to think about my little one’s futures…they are part of the package.

      It’s interesting that you are convinced she’s still on his mind but your marriage coach says it might not be so. do we really know? or are we just super sensitive to it all? I get sort of the same reassurance from my support group. My husband’s around, he chose us for the time being, he’s being more affectionate…things’ll get better with time. But he said their love story was stronger than ours that he had the same level of feelings for her as he does for me (after 6 months only). So despite his efforts to hide it I know he obviously is still hung up on her. That’s really hard isn’t it…going about your everyday life knowing that you’re no longer his number 1…and if you get back to being number one it’s like you cheated to get there (no pun intended)…or the first place prize is somehow tainted…it’s a fake gold medal. I guess my biggest challenge right now is dealing with this feeling and trying to not take it personally and let it eat away at my self respect. Part of that involves “talking” with people like you and reading your insights on the whole thing, writing it all out, and making ME the centre of MY everyday life so I’m not thinking of this horrible triangulation all the time.

      • Not Over It says:

        My heart goes out to you. You are still young and you have little ones to take care of… and yet you have to deal with a blow like no other.

        It sounds like your husband is very deep in affair fog. He has to convince himself that his love for her is something special in order to justify his actions. At Emotional Affair Journey they talk about the cheater having his head in his a$$. I think that’s a pretty good assessment.

        I’ll write more soon. I just noticed that we were online at the same time and wanted to get this out right away.

        Praying for you –
        DJ

      • survivamama says:

        Hi thanks for your words. It really does help reading your story…I read your blog between school pickups and drop offs, laundry, dishes and the like 🙂 So I haven’t read every post yet but those that I’ve read usually strike a chord.

        My husband just left for a week of work and I always get so needy before he leaves. I followed him around yesterday morning asking him all sorts of questions…just wanting reassurance really. he just says “i don’t know” and gets annoyed. Then I feel stupid and pathetic. Maybe the real answer to me getting happy is getting to a point where I don’t need his reassurance or his love…where I feel I can exist without external affection from a partner??? Maybe eventually I’ll have to say stop if I don’t get more affection. I don’t know…it’s so hard to know what to do, what to think, how to act because I’m just so bloody emotional all the time. If the key is to only really “need” me, how the heck do I get from here to there…I feel that any ME I had has been beaten up with this affair.
        But that isn’t entirely true actually…I’ve become much more social and I accept invitations to do things that I would have refused before in order to spend time with hubby! Not doing that anymore. I’d say I’ve gotten more of a life.

        As for the affair fog…is it really fog? I mean HE thinks he loves her and that they had a very special love story. that could be true couldn’t it? Does every cheater turn around one day and dis their affair partner? Even if we all know that over years his love with her would become less passionate for the time being she is all golden in his mind. I hate that. I also hate that if he stays with me he’ll never see that she’ll become normal too…he might always hold her on a pedestal. Enough about that…really what they think or do is out of my control and I shouldn’t waste my energy on that.
        It really would be a release if I didn’t feel like I needed him. And if he really became irrelevant in all this. easier said than done. Any suggestions? 🙂

  4. Not Over It says:

    Hi Survivamama – I’m not ignoring you – you just have such deep questions that I want to be sure to answer you thoughtfully, and I haven’t had a chance to do that.

    You will come to the point where you don’t feel you need him to survive, but you will always need him to have a quality marriage. And without a quality marriage, you will not be happy. At this point, he is absolutely clueless. Would he be willing to read or go to counseling or maybe even do online counseling? Just some thoughts… I’ll answer fully this evening.

    Love & prayers,
    DJ

  5. survivamama says:

    thank you for your support and reply. Tonight I made a deal with myself that I wouldn’t obsess about affairs. I checked my emails quickly and saw your reply and wanted to acknowledge it…but I’m going to bed to read about something else 🙂 I DO NOT need him to survive you’re absolutely right and I need to keep that as a mantra.

    Thanks again, I’ll check back tomorrow. Hope you are well.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Survivamama – I hope you found something to read that took your thoughts away from your marriage for a while.

      In the first months after D-day, I had difficulty being away from my husband at all, much less a week at a time. I give you credit for dealing with that with your husband’s work schedule.

      From what I have seen and experienced, if the cheating spouse helps in the healing process, it moves more quickly than if the cheating spouse is indifferent or sometimes antagonistic towards the process. Your husband does not seem to want to help and he is still convinced that he sacrificed a great love for his family. His head is stuck way up inside his ass. Pardon the language, but there is not really a nice way to convey that message. Would he be willing to read or go to counseling?

      You have every right to be emotional. The person who was always supposed to be there for you betrayed you in the worst possible way. Plus he is not giving you what you need to recover. In fact, he is filling your head with his affair fog stories. Don’t buy into it.

      My first suggestion is to go to Emotional Affair Journey. It is a website about infidelity and it has helped me tremendously in understanding my husband and in moving forward. There is a free section and a paid subcription section.

      If you are in a position to seek online marriage coaching, I highly recommend Marriage Sherpa. My coach is contracted through them and he is a godsend for me. I don’t know how I would gotten this far without him.

      I believe there really is an affair fog. Cheaters are often torn and confused when they start an affair. The mind cannot allow a person to hold conflicting opinions and values so they justify their actions by concocting a storyline. Usually it is that the marriage is no good, that their needs are not being met, and that the only way they can find happiness is by stepping outside the marriage. Some of it may be based in truth, but it is largely a fantasy. They must also justify taking such extreme actions, so they villify their spouse and idealize their affair partner.

      I was not entirely convinced of this theory until I saw it for myself in my husband. And it is continuing – it was just a few weeks ago that I realized he still saw me as the villain in some ways and thought he just had to live with it. We cleared that one up but there is still a lot more that needs to be dealt with. Sometimes the fog lifts instantly and sometimes it is a long, drawn-out process. After a six-year affair, I think I’ll be dealing with it for a long while.

      Of course, there are times when the cheater decides to leave and go to the affair partner. I don’t believe it is real love because real love does not come from narcissistic, selfish, and childish actions. But whatever it is, they do sometimes leave because of it. But more than 75 percent of marriages that started as affairs end in divorce. Real life is never as perfect as the fantasy.

      There are some good articles on affair fog in Emotional Affair Journey, too.

      My coach used to always tell me that no one would blame me if I left that day. But if I chose to stay, then I needed to be prepared for a long haul. And it has been. If you’re sure you want to stay with him, you can find a lot of help here in our blogging community. And I’m here, too.

      As for needing him, you have been dealt a harsh blow to your sense of self and safety. It takes time to rebuild. But you’re developing a busier and more independent lifestyle, so that’s a great start. You love him and want him and want your family intact, but you don’t need him to survive.

      You seem like a strong person who will not only survive, but thrive even after adversity. I am praying for you.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  6. survivamama says:

    ah, maybe I’ll sleep a little more peacefully after reading your reply. Thanks. Feel like I just received a big e-hug:-)
    I’d like to believe that it was just a fog…and that one day he’ll come out of it. He already has a little…I must give credit where it is due. I just can’t wait for a day when he turns around and says that going with her would have been A REALLY BAD MISTAKE and that he is totally happy and fulfilled with me. I continue to think though that I need to be fulfilled with myself before someone else can join me. I’m working on it. And what I took from your last reply is that being needy and lost is quite normal and I ‘ll try NOT to be so hard on myself when I go there sometimes with my husband (but I would like to keep it at sometimes and not the majority of the time because let’s face it no one what’s to spend time with a bummed out clinger!)
    I’m a member of EAjourney website and you’re right it is great. There was a good post on CS apathy that helped me quite a bit.
    Yes, here’s to thriving…because you’re so right I don’t want to just survive this. I will only stay if we are thriving.

    I just read your post from today. I’m inspired by your honesty…both with yourself and your partner. And your relationship has come a long way since DDay…that’s also inspiring.

    G’night!

    • Not Over It says:

      Wish I could hug you for real…

      I’m so glad you’ve already found EAJ. When I first started reading their site 18 months ago, Doug and Linda were still struggling with recovery. It has been wonderful to watch their progress and how they are now able to mentor others. A testament to the possibilities…

      I know you’ll make it – I’ll be following your blog.

      DJ

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