Wake up call

I just found out that I am being honored for some work I did before this mess all started.  I feel humbled and honored at the same time.  It also feels like someone is shaking me and telling me to wake up.

My entire life came to a screeching halt on D-day.  I couldn’t go to work for three days, and when I did go in I moved around in a daze.  I have since been told I was in physical shock for several months.  I functioned but did not do anything I would consider exemplary… not like this work for which I am receiving honors.

There were many days when just getting through the day seemed like a monumental task.  But I slowly got back into life in some ways.  I became a part-time fitness instructor in addition to my job.  I became a grandmother a few months after D-day and I pick my granddaughter up from the sitter every day to spend a little time with her.  I continued my job and did it well.  I started this blog.  I settled into the new house we bought  just before D-day.  It’s not finished.  Some things are still just too difficult to focus on, but at least we’re settled in. Everything took longer than it did before and I struggled to maintain focus, but I got most things done.  All good things… all things I am happy about… but I did not and could not do anything that required the focused and dedicated effort that I put into my life before.

I just got by.  My brain was fried.  And then I found out that I had Fibromyalgia.  I feared that I was doomed to forever be a shell of who I used to be.

But this award has shaken me up.  What the hell am I doing?  Can I put myself back together?  I’m not Humpty Dumpty.  The stupidity and immaturity and delusional thinking that my husband showed cannot be the death of DJ as she was prior to D-day.

I know people who were never the same after their spouse had an affair.  My aunt, for one.  People always talked about how Auntie changed after her divorce.  She went kind of crazy and was rather unstable for the rest of her life.  I was too young when she divorced to remember the change, but that’s what everyone said.  Pitiful.

No, that’s not going to be me.  Absolutely not.

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8 thoughts on “Wake up call

  1. backonmyown says:

    Yay, DJ! No it is not! Congratulations on your honors. You can use some good news. I’m happy for you.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, Pat! It was an unexpected but very welcome surprise. As far as my focus and drive go, I don’t know how I’m going to get them back, but I will. God will help me – I know it.

      Hope your plans for Peru are coming along well. That’s so exciting!

      DJ

  2. Foolish Woman says:

    Yaay! Well done you.

    I have no doubt that your drive and focus will return.

  3. AngelWings says:

    Congratulations on being honored! What a great award. I can feel your determination in your words to move forward. Yes , you can move on and become a little more like your “old” self. Wishing you the best of luck. Oh and I like the new look!

  4. Not Over It says:

    Thank you AngelWings – great to hear from you! I’m glad you like the look…

    DJ is in here somewhere… gotta find the key to let her out.

  5. Carol says:

    Wow — congrats on your award for your work. I completely understand your situation. I have a job that, like most, has its mundane aspects and its demanding, creative aspects that require total concentration, that require all of me. I’ve always loved that, thrown myself into it. But after D-day, I found I just couldn’t do that more demanding part of my job very well. So I’ve tried to do the mundane bits, so that I can at least check something off. Well, today I found out I got a significant raise for the work I did last year, prior to D-day. So I find myself really identifying with you here! I am hoping to use that raise to spur me back into the tougher parts of my job. I actually felt guilty when I found out about it — I felt that if my supervisors knew how much of a struggle it has been to work my full job over the last 7 months, I’d not have gotten that raise. (My first tendency in almost any situation is to look critically at myself, something I’m trying to change.) Again I find myself feeling so grateful that you are sharing your story with us, and I admire the many positive things you’ve been able to accomplish despite the tremendous, life-changing emotional challenges your H’s betrayal dumped on you. You are on the upswing, and I hope I can join you one day.

  6. Not Over It says:

    Congratulations to you, too, Carol! It sounds like you are handling things very well if your supervisors could not tell that you have been struggling. That’s some real strength there.

    I know what you mean about feeling guilty. That’s it exactly. But no one operates at 110 percent all the time. We’ll both get there, you much sooner than me.

    Hope you’re having a good week. Thank you for writing. People on both sides of the conversation get stronger when we share.

    DJ

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