Bandaid Fixes

I have been mulling over this business about dealing with significant days in our partner’s affair.  As I wrote the other day, D-day for me has ceased to be a trigger because I was able to turn it around in my head.  I think of it as the day my husband turned from his evil ways and came clean.  But all those other days-  like wedding anniversaries where you know your spouse was texting her right in front of you (Angelwings – that must have been just sickening to realize) – well, those days are still difficult.  It seems impossible to turn them around.  So how then do we deal with the memories and the pain?

The day that my husband and I started going out is coming up on May 7.  We used to do it up as big as our wedding anniversary.  Now I don’t want to celebrate either day.  On May 7, 2008 he wrote her an email telling her that it was so difficult to celebrate the worst mistake of his life.  That definitely came across to me that night, too.  It brings tears just to think of it.  And that was just a minor item in the list of things he did during his affair.

I have written before about my method thus far for dealing with it- I do something physically taxing and difficult, like mountain hiking, swimming, Zumba classes, Tai Chi.  I do anything that keeps my mind focused on physical movement so that I don’t think about anything.  And I keep it up for as long as possible.  I did all four sports on Valentine’s Day.  If it seems like just a bandaid fix, it is.  But sometimes bandaids are necessary to keep from getting a fatal infection.  And bandaids do aid in healing, too.

So what else is there to cover up the pain for a day?  I’m thinking up some more.  I need them for May 7.  Nmwf1 needs it for May 2.  We all could use some ideas.  Please let us know if you have any that work for you or that you think might work.

Thank you!

DJ

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10 thoughts on “Bandaid Fixes

  1. There must be something in the air I guess because I was just thinking about this recently too! For the past 2 nights I just couldn’t get some memories of what happened out of my head. It’s the worst come night time as I try to close my eyes and get some sleep. And last night, I actually cried on my husband as we’re getting ready for bed. This is something I will probably blog about too. I feel for you DJ. His betrayal ran deep. 6 years is a long time. And you are such a strong woman for everything that you have done and still doing for the sake of your marriage. I wish I can just get up and work myself out to death when these things happen but personal time is a luxury for me. So yes! What else can we do when these things won’t leave our minds?? Someone should invent a pill for this…

    Be strong my sister! I’m always thinking about you.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, Fighter! Right back at ya.

      A friend of mine had sleep problems a while back. She told me that she read aloud in bed until her mind was so tired she drifted off to sleep. It helped her a lot.

      I had some training in meditation as a teenager and I have started some of the techniques in an effort to sleep better. Beginning meditation involves keeping all 5 senses busy to that the mind can be decluttered. Reading aloud accomplishes some of this. I am posting about it later.

      Hope you’re finding sleep relief.

      Love & prayers,
      DJ

  2. Walt says:

    DJ – first time commenter. I started reading your blog when I discovered my wife’s infidelity (3 kids, together 17 yrs) last year. I struggled much like you. The betrayal and pain were overwhelming. I couldn’t imagine that I would be able to survive.

    But I did. Four months after D-day I made the decision to Divorce. I never, ever thought I would get a divorce and did everything I could to avoid it. But my heart was broken, my trust in her gone forever.

    Now 4 months after I filed, she’s moving out. I can’t remember being this alive. The black cloud is gone and I can smell the flowers. I have a long road ahead, but at least it I;m in the driver seat.

    The reason why I’m commenting is because your struggle pains me. I feel it because I was there, too.

    You need to make a choice. Either forgive your H and stop obsessing about the details/anniversaries/etc. or get out of the marriage. Regardless, you need to start living your life with a purpose. That purpose should be to be a happy, healthy human being. Right now, you’re still stuck. The “choice” gets you unstuck. Easier said than done – I know.

    Please know that I wish you the best and I’m rooting for you!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Walt, Glad to meet you. I’m sorry to hear that your marriage is ending, but it seems this was the right decision for you. I hope your children are doing ok.

      I have a purpose, Walt. I made the choice to stay. I am on a journey to see if I can make my marriage work again. I will do everything possible to make it work, but it takes two. We are both dealing with a lot of hurt and loss and change, and like you said, it’s easier said than done.

      It’s looking good at this point. My coach thinks we can have a quality marriage again.

      Healing is a process that continues long after that choice is made. I always think about Doug and Linda at Emotional Affair Journey when I think about this. They are committed to one another and love each other very much, but they are still healing after 3 years. It is a daily process.

      I made my decision at 3 months out from D-day. There was an accident at his company and it was a few hours before I knew if he was alive. I knew then that despite it all, I still loved him more than life. I would gladly have taken his place.

      So there it is. I have not written about this before, but that was when I started this journey and this blog. I do love my husband still, and I hope he is holding my hand on the day I die. But he has to do his part, too, to get us there. That’s where I am on the journey right now.

      Thank you for commenting, Walt. I wish you luck and I am grateful to have you rooting for me. Hope to hear from you again.

      DJ

  3. SHAPE says:

    I’m commenting here on anniversary trigger days – be it wedding, when you met, when you found out or suspected about the AP. They are all “anniversary” days it seems. We all seem to have some coming up soon (May-June).

    My D-day was in December 2010. But in some ways, Mother’s Day of 2010 is almost worse for me. The D-day confirmed what I was suspicious of, but Mother’s Day (MD) 2010 was when I really started being suspicious. It was also the occasion of probably his first real out and out lie to me when I asked him a question.

    My H knows this, and MD of 2011 we spent together going to a small town to just poke around in antique and second-hand shops.

    This year I am flying to the east coast to be with my daughter and new 5-mo old grandson. Her husband is deployed to Afghanistan. I’m looking forward to it! BTW, my daughter is my H’s step-daughter, as I am in a second marriage for 16 years now (which was not a product of any infidelity).

    As for tips on how to cope with these “anniversary” days, I know that for me (apart from being fortunate enough to fly out to see my daughter and grandson), I prefer to be with my H. I have also learned that I am much, much better and at peace when he is with me than when I am alone with my thoughts. It’s also good if we can do an activity together that we both enjoy–take a walk, go to a movie (non-romantic), explore small towns and out of the way places, be with some mutual long-time friends, in particular a couple who knows about what happened and have been very supportive.

    Some days are lousy, some good, some better, and every now and then there are days that make “hanging in” there worthwhile. My wish is that there are more and more of the latter ones for us all.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, SHAPE! Those are very good suggestions. I also do better when he is with me. For May 7, we both have to work. But after work, we are going to go on a picnic. It’s nothing fancy or elaborate and it’s not a big celebration with a lot of people like he wanted. But we will remember the day together and spend time doing something we both enjoy. Maybe when we make 40 years since we started going out, I’ll be ready to have a big celebration. I don’t know. But right now, this is the best thing for us both.

      I think my biggest tip would be not to surprise each other for a while. The relationship needs to be rebuilt and both spouses are probably hurting, so expecting the other person to know what you want and how you want it is asking too much, in my opinion.

      My husband and I talk about these days and how we are going to spend them and if we are going to do presents or not. I got new beach towels for us for May 7, with the theme of things we can do together this summer. I told him I had already gotten a small gift for both of us, and we talked about where we are going to picnic. So he knows ahead of time that he needs to get a gift but not an expensive one, and we don’t have to stress over what to do. Neither of us will be disappointed or uncomfortable this way. Maybe not the romance novel type of celebration, but it’s best for us right now. Actually we’re finding that we enjoy planning our special days together – we may do it like this from now on.

      Thanks again – I appreciate your input.

      DJ

      • SHAPE says:

        DJ–
        As usual, your response is right on target. I like that you have discussed your “how to celebrate” options together and come to an agreement that suits you both. That seems like a very good way to handle the various anniversary dates as they arise. Thanks!

      • Not Over It says:

        So kind of you to say. I feel the same way about your comments, too. I’m glad we have connected with one another!

        DJ

  4. Hi DJ and everyone. Since you asked for suggestions for how to get through pain, I’ll tell you what I do. One is to just put myself in nature. It is soothing and reassuring. If its a bad Fibromyalgia day for you, just placing yourself in an outside environment might help. I am reminded of when my child was a baby; if she got out of sorts and just couldn’t be comforted, I would take her outside for a bit and she would immediately calm down.
    I also have an idea that I have been using lately – it’s up on my blog right now, in a post called Happiness – it’s about not resisting change and how we make things more difficult for ourselves when we try. It’s about acceptance, something I need in my own life right now.
    And then, there’s always Pema Chodron!

    Remember all the gifts that you, yourself have,
    Paula

    • Not Over It says:

      Wonderful ideas, Paula – thank you! I have found that nature helps me in every way, but I often forget to get out there when I am stressed.

      My coach just talked to me about not resisting change – haha – I always seem to get messages in bunches so that I have to let it sink in. I will ponder on it today. Acceptance – I know I have not yet fully accepted my life as it is today.

      DJ

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