Scattered

Scattered.  That’s how I feel right now.  There is so much going on in my brain and in my heart, and my body hurts and I’m soooo tired, but I can’t sleep.  This might be a little taste of what it feels like to be someone with true ADHD.  I have a dozen TVs on inside of me and it’s such a mass of confusion that I can’t focus on one any of them.

I have started and deleted at least five posts.  I haven’t been able to make anything cohesive or even coherent come out of me.  I have been able to comment on other people’s blogs – their topics give me something to zero in on so I can focus on a topic.  But I can’t seem to do it with my own thoughts.  Maybe this the worst part of my current flareup of fibromyalgia.  “Fibro fog” they call it.  Geez.  My husband is in affair fog and I’m in fibro fog.  What a pair.

We’ve been bickering and arguing about everything under the sun for the past week.  I believe there are two underlying reasons for all this:

1.  His OW’s best friend is visiting here and I refused to see him – yes, her best friend is a man.  He is another alumni association friend.  This one just happens to be the first guy she cheated on my husband with when they were going out in college.  My husband was upset yet again about my unwillingness to remain friends with the people he became close to as a couple with his OW.  He just doesn’t get it that contact with them is almost as bad as contact with her.  I must give him credit, though, for choosing not to see the guy, either.  He was mad, but he chose to put me above his feelings about it.

2.  The fact that I have fibromyalgia.  The doctor believes it stems from the emotional trauma I have been through and it is a glaring reminder to my husband of what he did and how much pain he has caused me and our family.  It has taken him a couple of weeks to accept all of this, but now he’s ready to learn about the condition and how to help me through it.  It’s still stressful for him, and when he is stressed, we end up bickering all the time.

So things are not too pleasant at home, but I’m not wallowing in pain right now, either.  This, too, shall pass.  I hope the fibro fog passes quickly.  I hate feeling fuzzy-brained.  But at least I was able to write something today.  Hope you are all well.

DJ

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “Scattered

  1. Foolish Woman says:

    I think that the periods of fogginess we sometimes go through as betrayed wives are a self defence mechanism to allow us to step out of the arena for a while.
    To use another analogy – when we get overloaded, the trip mechanism triggers and we have to take ourselves off the circuit.
    You have two major things to deal with – the fallout from your husband’s behaviour and this new diagnosis. If that’s not overload, I don’t know what is.
    What I think may be happening is that you’re already dealing with the grief of mourning your previous relationship with your husband – and now you have another loss else to mourn – that of your previous good health.
    Thinking of the stages of grief – you’re already juggling one lot of balls and have just been thrown another set. Overload!

    As someone who, in the space of a couple of years, has dealt with infidelity + a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis + the loss of my profession, due to the diagnosis – I have some experience of juggling!

    Be kind to yourself.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, FW. That helps me not to feel like such a wimp, which is what I was feeling for the past couple of weeks.

      I remember reading on your blog about your diagnosis. How are you managing it all? I’ve read that RA is very difficult to live with.

      You take care, too… I’m praying for you…

      DJ

    • Dear Not So Foolish Woman. This seems such a helpful response. We are all told (or at least we therapists tell ourselves and our patients) that we must parent ourselves as adults. But, maybe sometimes, we adults can parent each other. If we were fortunate kids, we had parents who monitored our stimulation vs. quiet time; later, as teenagers, we had limits and curfews. These always-resisted-rules helped us to stay balanced and not dissolve, as you can often see children who are overtaxed doing in stores, etc. Your post here had that tone of loving parent or maybe sister. I have a friend (who is actually a few years younger than me) who sometimes ‘mothers’ me. I love it! I look for that in my women friends.
      DJ, I think one topic that came out in your above post warrants highlighting: The friends and social group part is complicated and important. 1. It brings up for the 2 of you the issue of independence vs. coupling. 2. Having a social group that supports marriage is known to enhance happiness and longevity in couples. 3. And more. If you are still seeing your therapist, this would be a far-reaching and helpful topic to explore.

  2. Hi,
    I can’t press LIKE on this one – but I get it; and I hope it gets manageable soon.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, PLL. I took a look at your blog – it made me laugh! It’s good when we can laugh at ourselves, and some of your entries are great for people with fibro/CFS.

      I am learning to restructure my life and my schedule to manage my symptoms better, and now that my husband is on board, I’m just starting to have some good results. I’ll be sharing them soon.

      Your blog gave me a lot to think about and lot of tips, too. Thank you.

      DJ

  3. backonmyown says:

    I’m glad you were able to write. You did it well. #1–Good for you for standing your ground. You have to do what is best for you. #2–I hope the fog clears quickly. Thinking of you. Pat

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, Pat. I am slowly learning what things trigger foggy brain for me and hopefully that will help me.

      I know that you know about sleeping problems after an emotional trauma, and that is a major part of my problem. I am learning to pamper myself and to create a oasis for myself at bedtime. I’m even redesigning my bedroom to turn it into a comforting dreamland. I thought of you when I first started – your posts about fabrics and colors were an inspiration.

      I am too sore and tired to do this on my own, but my husband has stepped up to the plate to help me. Thank the Lord.

      Thanks again.
      DJ

  4. mysami1980 says:

    Reblogged this on Mysami Blog and commented:
    I have been where u are walked that road and still am…its horrible. I guess we just have to fight it..sometimes I forget events that happens a day before becuase my body is in so much pain. I can relate to the feelings ur having on the inside…thats tough to manage. I hope you find your self on the mend soon.

  5. Sorry to hear you’re driving through some fibro fog. I’m glad you were able to find your way to this blog and solidify some of your feelings into words.

    I wouldn’t want my wife to associate with members of her “affair group” either. It has nothing to do with the particular members per se, it’s what their association represents. It would be true of places/objects too. For e.g., if my wife and her boyfriend shared a beach house somewhere, we certainly wouldn’t be spending any future vacations there!

    Hope your fibromyalgia starts feeling better. I’m thinking about ya.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey DE – Although I don’t wish for anyone to need to be a part of this community for those dealing with infidelity and pain, I’m glad to have friends who understand and share with me. It helps so much.

      OK, well, I have to be honest – I do wish my husband’s OW would feel what I have felt over the past 18 months. Ha! But only her – no, wait – let’s add in your wife’s affair partner, too. Haha.

      I am reading and learning as fast as my fibro-fogged brain can go, and I am going to change my lifestyle completely to manage the symptoms better. I’m glad to have you rooting for me.

      I am rooting for you, too.

      DJ

  6. My dear friend,

    You’ve gone through so much; anyone would feel how you’re feeling especially having to deal with something as physically painful as Fibromyalgia. It is so easy for us sometimes to wallow in our sadness; all we have to do is to think about a thought and voila! There goes our day…

    But DJ, look at where you are now! Look at what you have accomplished as an Affair Survivor and not to mention the achievements that you and your husband have had as a couple dealing with infidelity. Focus on the good in your life as there are so many. When things get tough, try to think about all the happiness and the positivity in your life. You have children and family who loves you, you have wonderful support group especially here on your Blog and don’t forget that 35 year old student who asked you out! =)

    I hope this cheers you up a bit… As you’ve said, this too shall pass. You have gone through worse months and months ago. Take care and I’m always thinking about you!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Fighter,

      Yes, I am smiling now as I read your note. Thank you – I needed some cheering and you always know how to make me feel better. I am indeed in a much better place than before, in spite of the pain that is now physical and this damned fibro fog.

      Hope you are getting along ok. You’re always in my thoughts and prayers, too.

      DJ

  7. aaroncrj says:

    Hey DJ

    Not much tome to write except to say you’re a hero to me. My heart goes out to you for all the pain you’ve experienced and are now experiencing but my head knows how strong you are and I find inspiration in your strength..

    Hang in there, my friend.

    –Aaron

    • Not Over It says:

      Aww, Aaron, that is so sweet of you to say. I appreciate your kind words so very much. You remind me that the real DJ would stand up and fight this thing! I haven’t felt very real or very strong lately.

      I hope that being busy means that things are going well for you. Thank you for taking the time to write…

      DJ

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s