Saturday marked a year and 5 months since finding out that the love of my life had cheated on me for six years with his high school girlfriend. I was hoping to be doing well by this time, but I am again suffering. I’ve used many phrases to describe this: dashed against the rocks again, sitting at the bottom of the Abyss of Abandonment, and tortured – among others. Today I think I’ll call it Wearing a Lead Blanket.
You know that heavy lead blanket they put on your chest when you take dental x-rays? That comes pretty close to describing what I feel like right now. The x-ray apron is firmly in place. It’s a heavy weight on my shoulders and chest, a burden that I carry everywhere. My coach James calls it my backpack for the journey out. The journey out? Yes, James says I am in the second to the last phase of grief – depression. That means I have passed the halfway point and am heading out. Doesn’t feel like it, but ok, I’ll believe it.
It seems that I have already felt all the different phases of grief, sometimes all at the same time. It seems that we all go through that. But I’ve read that although we do bounce around all the stages of grief during affair recovery, we are primarily in one stage at a time and move through them all before we are done. We can go backwards sometimes and move into being primarily in an earlier stage. Emotional Affair Journey has an excellent post on the subject from this past December:
I don’t feel like doing much – not even writing here. As prolific as my writings have sometimes been in the past, I am at a loss for words right now. I just want to sleep all day. It’s a good thing – a God-given thing – that my schedule is too full at the moment and I really don’t have much time to dwell on it. I must get up early in the morning and get moving. I have no choice but to keep moving all through the day. But my spring break is coming up soon and I will have a lot of time on my hands. I’m rather worried about it. I will need something to inspire me to get out of bed in the mornings. I’ll have to think on that one.