Wearing a Lead Blanket

Saturday marked a year and 5 months since finding out that the love of my life had cheated on me for six years with his high school girlfriend.  I was hoping to be doing well by this time, but I am again suffering.  I’ve used many phrases to describe this:  dashed against the rocks again, sitting at the bottom of the Abyss of Abandonment, and tortured – among others.  Today I think I’ll call it Wearing a Lead Blanket.

You know that heavy lead blanket they put on your chest when you take dental x-rays?  That comes pretty close to describing what I feel like right now.  The x-ray apron is firmly in place.  It’s a heavy weight on my shoulders and chest, a burden that I carry everywhere.  My coach James calls it my backpack for the journey out.  The journey out?  Yes, James says I am in the second to the last phase of grief – depression.  That means I have passed the halfway point and am heading out.  Doesn’t feel like it, but ok, I’ll believe it.

It seems that I have already felt all the different phases of grief, sometimes all at the same time.  It seems that we all go through that.  But I’ve read that although we do bounce around all the stages of grief during affair recovery, we are primarily in one stage at a time and move through them all before we are done.  We can go backwards sometimes and move into being primarily in an earlier stage.  Emotional Affair Journey has an excellent post on the subject from this past December:

http://www.emotionalaffair.org/affair-recovery-and-the-7-stages-of-grief/

I don’t feel like doing much – not even writing here.  As prolific as my writings have sometimes been in the past, I am at a loss for words right now.  I just want to sleep all day.  It’s a good thing – a God-given thing – that my schedule is too full at the moment and I really don’t have much time to dwell on it.  I must get up early in the morning and get moving.  I have no choice but to keep moving all through the day.  But my spring break is coming up soon and I will have a lot of time on my hands.  I’m rather worried about it.  I will need something to inspire me to get out of bed in the mornings.  I’ll have to think on that one.

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22 thoughts on “Wearing a Lead Blanket

  1. Nhan-Fiction says:

    Gotta keep truckin’, with extra weight on your shoulders or not. It is all about the journey.

    • Not Over It says:

      I love your name! Nhan-Fiction. Cool.

      Thank you for the encouragement. I have come a long way. Last year I would have said that I didn’t know if I could keep on truckin’. Today I say that I can. It’s sometimes hard – like right now. I’m lugging this awfully heavy weight around. But I can and I will keep on truckin’.

      Thank you again. I appreciate it.

      DJ

  2. You’ve made so much progress. It appears as though you already have the strength to throw off that lead blanket. It’s just a matter of time before you realize just how strong you’ve become. I admire all your hard work.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey DE,

      You know, I do know that I’ve made good progress and this depression was kind of unexpected. How do I explain it? I’ve been bombarded by trigger after trigger lately and I just started sinking a little bit at a time. I just wasn’t excited about anything. Then I started feeling tired all the time. And then I stopped exercising except for the classes I teach. Then splat – I realized I was in a hole again and couldn’t seem to climb out.

      My coach says that I am near the point of acceptance and depression always precedes it. He said to feel my feelings and let them be. He said that this will hasten the process, as I’ve mentioned in your blog.

      I will make it. I know I will get through it. It makes it so much easier having friends like you.

      Hope your day went well. Know that I pray for you every day.

      DJ

      • Your coach is right DJ. You have made so much progress. It’s almost like the depression is the thing trying to hold you to the pain because you know it. The hard part is re-knowing the time before the pain and realizing that it can be again. Different…true. But past the acute searing heat that those triggers cause.

        “Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.” Chinese proverp

        I understand what you are experiencing as it has hit me too again. People come through this. We are not the only ones.

        “To know the road ahead, ask those coming back” another one from the wisdom of China

  3. Not Over It says:

    Proverbs from my wise old sage! You made me smile.

    I especially like the second one. It is me. I am a mere grasshopper learning from my friends.

    I had a feeling you were in the same place as me. I am praying for my atheist friend. The blessings I am praying for, falling like little snowflakes all over you and around you, do not require your belief. They only require mine.

    DJ

    • Yes DJ…your senses are correct. As all of this reaches more finality and my family whole becomes officially ended, I have been hit with the sadness of closure. There remains a part of me in shock and disbelief that my marriage is over. But I’m not the only one that has gone through this. My marriage has ended. Yours can begin again…and that is a blessing.

      • Not Over It says:

        Thank you, LFBA. My head knows that it is a blessing. My heart is still leery of accepting it. Every time I just about reach a place where I can let my guard down, something happens to remind me of why I put up my guard in the first place, and the reflexive instinct is to send in reinforcements to hold my ground.

        I was just getting better again and then I was hit again by a huge trigger on Friday. More on that later…

        Have a good restful sleep tonight, my friend.

  4. DJ…The “guard” is part of your protective mechanism. If that guard were a door, it would protect you from the cold and wind but it may block out the light.
    There is always a balance between the forces of protection and vulnerability. Loving someone is all about being vulnerable. It sucks sometimes.
    I understand the protective mode. I am still staring at the closed doors in my life and have not yet turned to the open ones. First I must become at peace with myself and I think that is a part of your challenge too.
    Peace to you

  5. Foolish Woman says:

    This too will pass.

    You’re so right in what you say about bouncing around the stages. There are times, even now, when I revisit some of them. Last week I realised that I was going through a spell of being Very Angry – which was ironic given that my husband was doing everything right, ie anticipating and meeting my needs. It passed.

    The times when one feels that heaviness you describe are difficult to get through. I used to call it Being In The Pit. I knew I was stuck at the bottom and lacked the energy or motivation to climb out – and although it wasn’t a pleasant place to be, it had become familiar. I am very pleased to say that it’s a place I haven’t visited for quite a while now.

    Please be kind to yourself.

    • Not Over It says:

      FW! I have missed you.

      It’s good to know that the time will come when I will not visit The Pit very often. Right now, it often feels like I will be stuck in this loop for the rest of my life.

      Hope all is well with you.

      DJ

  6. Dear DJ-So many helpful efforts come to you through this blog; I believe it is because your voice, besides expressing so bravely your very personal feelings, also speaks for all of us. To Looking for Buddha Again, I want to mention that in a divorce (and other kinds of losses), sometimes part of the grief can be the destruction of a value (marriage is forever) or the being forced to give up an idea (I will have an intact family for my children).
    DJ, I have a book to recommend to you. It is called When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It is part of my ‘game plan’. I know that life is going to offer up tough times so I have a little set up, just for me, of things that are a comfort—at the ready for those times. I think that if you are still in the place you were in when you wrote this post that this small but powerful book by a small but powerful lady will feed the courage you already have.

    • So true Paula. The destruction of values…the destruction of belief…the destruction of intent. They all play a role. They are also some of the things that make the “shock:” of it so acute and lingering.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Paula,

      My blogging world, which is all of our blogs together, has become one of my treasured places. The people here all help one another. The veterans offer understanding from a personal perspective and the newbies share and vent freely. I’m so glad to be a small part of this evolving community.

      It just so happens that my spring break started today, and I was planning to find a couple of new reads to add to my Nook. I’ll look for the book today. Thank you for sharing that – I appreciate it.

      A game plan at the ready for those difficult times – I like that idea a lot. I’m going to work on one for myself.

      Thank you, Paula! Hope your day is going well…

      DJ

      • sandra says:

        I just found this website and very much benefit from all of your writings, and pouring out of your hearts. I could never put into words the comfort I have found in knowing so many of you understand and are going through the same. my heart goes out to all of you, for the pain seems unbearable til I join you all here. though I have tried reading, and putting into action, plans for healing, praying, I know of only one way to love, that’s me. If holding my tongue works, so be it, if smiling is what I need to learn to do more of, even in this pit, so be it. trying to be myself again, do th things that made me happy, be enthused about life itself, not let the anger consume me, remember it isn’t about me, just his character flaw, then I have to believe God is working on him, and though He won’t interrupt his free will, He will plant a desire for this marriage in my H ‘s heart, to help him remember why we were together 40 years, and He will support his U-turn, if one is happening.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi Sandra,

        It’s wonderful to know that someone can benefit from all of us here in our blogging community. Sharing this way has helped me through the darkest times of my life.

        I will pray that your husband finds the way back to love and truth in your marriage. Take care –

        DJ

  7. AngelWings says:

    I’ve been following your blog for a few months now but just now beginning to comment myself. I completely understand where you are at this point as I too feel the same way. Just when I think I’ve got a hold of my emotions there’s a trigger right around the corner and puts me right back into this hole of darkness. I’m there right now myself. Trying to climb out but lack the energy or the emotional state of mind to do so for the moment. I too know this will pass as experience these last 9 mths since my D-day has taught me. This too will pass for you. I pray you enjoy your spring break and not dwell on this so much. Thanks to my teenage daughter I managed to enjoy mine a few weeks ago. (I’m an elementary teacher btw). I pray next time I visit your site you have found your peace again. Peace and blessings to you.

  8. Not Over It says:

    Hi AngelWings,

    I love your blogging name – makes me smile. And I’m glad you’re commenting now. It is so good to share with one another.

    So you’re an elementary teacher, too! I love what I do. The kids have kept me going sometimes through this ordeal. Hope it does that for you, too.

    I had a trigger hit me this morning again, just as I’m starting into a full week of time off. I know it will pass, but it’s hard. I am lucky to have blogging friends like you who understand.

    Tell me your story sometime when you have time. 9 months for you, huh? We both still have a ways to go.

    Take care –
    DJ

  9. AngelWings says:

    I must say I’ve had a major trigger and the fear of it all hits me in the face again. I’m thankful that my husband has been recommitted to me but knowing that the OW from his EA is in town just knocks the wind out of me. He’s been as reassuring as he can that he will no have any contact with her but the fear gets the best of me. I know you all understand. There’s a great support system here even when one just needs to vent. I pray that you will find your peace at least step out of the hole for a while. God bless you

  10. Not Over It says:

    Hi AngelWings,

    That would send me into a tailspin, too. Will she be there long?

    Praying for you,
    DJ

  11. brokenjoan says:

    Dear DJ and all my sisters walking thru this hellish journey, sometimes I think I can go on but 6months have passed and I just can’t seem to move on even a little, even though my husband says he loves me,6 months ago he was telling someone else the same thing. How can they switch their feelings so swiftly. We have been married 47 years, I try to look back on the happy memories but it seems as though none of that was true if he could so easily turn to someone else. I can’t begin to understand how he could take the chance of losing everything for some tramp he meets online and then thinks he could love her after knowing her for a matter of months! Sometimes I think god made a huge mistake putting what he did between their legs, since that’s what they think with why do they even need the head he put on their shoulders, except of course it houses the mouth they use to lie to us with. It is now 1 o’clock in the morning, I can’t sleep anymore unless I take something, but guess who is lying right beside sleeping like a baby, you guessed it my cheating A-HOLE of a husband. I’m the one who can’t sleep, can’t eat, I have lost 30 lbs., I am the one on anti-depressants, the one crying, somehow does this seem fair. I guess I am just having a pity party that’s the only kind of party I have the energy to have these days. I sometimes still think like I did when I first found out it would be so nice just to go to sleep and stay that way, that’s the only peace I get and there is very little of that. I know he is tired of talking about it, but that’s all I want to talk about and right now whether it’s right or wrong, I really don’t give a shit what he wants! Anyone else having these thoughts? I am so tired, thank you to anyone who listens. broken joan

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