Just shoot me now

This expression always bothers me.  Young people in my children’s generation seem to use it quite often to describe their feelings when they encounter a bit of bad luck.  My middle child uses it.  I always frown at her when she does so she doesn’t use it around me anymore, but I see it on her Facebook and in other places.  I am very sensitive to words and how they are used these days, and to me, this expression sends a message of self-defeat and surrender.  No place for that in my battered up world…

My oldest child used it this morning.  Poor thing.  My house has a downstairs apartment that she and her family rent from my husband and me.  Today she has the stomach flu and came upstairs for some tender loving care before I left for work.  She was wearing a well-worn sweatshirt with the name of the place where my husband’s OW lives.  I looked at it and looked at her and looked at it again.  She said, “What?”

I said, “I didn’t remember that you had a shirt with those words on it.”

She looked down at it and said, “I’ve had this for a long time…”

I said, “Oh, about six years?”  That would take us to the first time he went across country to see her.

She nodded.  “Oh my God.  Just shoot me now.  Mom, I’m sorry.  I didn’t know and I never thought about that.”

The shirt was from the athletic program his OW’s children belonged to.  Nice shirt, but there’s no way it came from a store.  It was a uniform shirt of the organization.  He had the nerve back then to give my daughter a shirt from her.

I nodded.  “I know.  I wouldn’t expect you to have thought of that.”

My husband was just a few feet away from us in the kitchen.  I know he heard us.  He turned away from us and did not make eye contact at any time after that.

She went back downstairs to bed and I got ready for work.  My husband gave me some extra passionate loving up when I was ready to leave.  “I love you.  Have a good day,” he said.

I smiled and acted like everything was ok and enjoyed those moments with him and left.

Now I’m at work, trying to get started on my day but the twisting in my stomach is making it difficult.  It was just a little trigger, just a little step down Memory Lane, but I am listless and feeling down.  I think this trigger just came too close on the heels of other bigger things I am struggling with.  I’m having to take deep breaths to keep tears away.  I guess I need to look for more rainbows in my life.

Onwards with the day…

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13 thoughts on “Just shoot me now

  1. NOIE says:

    To me, that doesn’t sound like a little trigger. For me that would be a big ole giant one. An actual tangible thing, on your daughter, no less! Plus, if it’s on top of other things that have come up recently, it’s no wonder you feel so bad. I think of the ability to cope with triggers as a bucket. When I’m feeling pretty good, my bucket is empty and I can bounce back from one trigger. When a few happen in a short time, the bucket starts filling up and it gets harder. And if enough of them happen close in time, my bucket gets full and one small trigger will cause it to overflow.

    But … how sensitive and compassionate your daughter’s reaction was! Maybe she’s your rainbow?

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi NOIE,

      Yes, it did hit me pretty hard. Just when I was regaining my balance, I got knocked down again.

      I like that analogy of the bucket. Makes a lot of sense… it’s like how my doctor describes our immune system. Interesting – two different systems, but both coping with outside invaders, and both working like a bucket.

      And yes, each of my children is a rainbow in my life… they are the reason I kept going when I didn’t want to live anymore.

      Hope all is well with you… I feel a little better now… thank you.

      DJ

      • DJ says:

        Oh, and NOIE – accepting it as a huge trigger and not trying to brush it off was an important thing I needed to do today. Thank you for helping me get some clarity there.

      • NOIE says:

        Hi DJ, guess what, I’m having a “full bucket” day today! The bucket reached capacity this morning when I met my good friend for breakfast and the sf’s (my shorthand code for the ex-“friend”) husband was sitting about 4 feet from me at the next table. I don’t feel horrible, but shaky and fragile and sad. I’m trying to collect myself and calm myself down so I can get some work done. I think you are familiar with this!

      • Not Over It says:

        Geez, four feet away from you? Wow. For me, that has never happened because that slut lives thousands of miles away. But I understand your bucket filling up on a trigger like that – I think I would go beserk and have to take the rest of the day off. My bucket would be overflowing for days… but you sound ok. Take extra special care of yourself.
        I’m praying for you.
        DJ

      • I know that feeling of wanting to go berserk. My X’s AP is always showing up at my son’s games. Flashing the big S*eating smile. Sometimes I have to pass right next to him and it takes every bit of effort not to go all Sicilian on him.

      • Not Over It says:

        Since affairs often happen within a couple’s community, I imagine this happens a lot. I give you all credit because I don’t think I would handle that well.

  2. It was absolutely wrong of your husband back then to bring back something like that and give it to your daughter. But…that was back then. That is not now.
    This was a trigger, a huge one; but it was not an intentional slight to you.
    Ask you daughter to chuck the sweatshirt and treat it as a symbol that OW can be discarded but you can not. Rainbows bring light….treat this as a symbol that OW is nothing more than a worn piece of clothing and get rid of her/it.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey LFBA,

      I am trying really hard to keep this in perspective as you describe. I like that a lot – “OW is nothing more than a worn piece of clothing and get rid of her/it.” And I am the rainbow in this case. Ha! I love it.

      The pain remains and I have no appetite, but I can smile and laugh, too! Thank you, LFBA. You always know what to say.

      DJ

  3. cassee01 says:

    When my ex husband had an affair with my 22 year old cousin (we were 32) I almost lost my mind. He too had given our daughters stuff from her and when I found out I hated the stuff they had that she had given them. My story is a little different from yours in that my husband was an abusive loser piece of crap so there wasn’t anything worth fighting for and honestly I was glad to get rid of him, but I hated the fact that I had been made such a fool of by them.

    It sounds like you and your husband have something worth fighting for and I’m glad you all got the chance. Best wishes. 🙂

  4. Not Over It says:

    Hi Cassee01,

    Sounds like it was a good thing you got out. I sometimes still wonder if I should stay, but I am trying my best to make it work. Sometimes he tries and sometimes he doesn’t. That’s what makes me wonder.

    Thank you for stopping by – I’m always glad to make new friends here. Hope all is going well for you now.

    DJ

  5. Loris Klaft says:

    You are my aspiration, I possess few web logs and often run out from brand :). “Yet do I fear thy nature It is too full o’ the milk of human kindness.” by William Shakespeare.

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