Reflecting on the rainbows

I spent the weekend reflecting on all the rainbows I had seen.  It was a difficult weekend, however, with more fighting and misunderstanding between my husband and me.  Lots of pain, lots of tears.  I’ll write more about that another time.  I was trying to focus on those rainbows but losing it with all the heartache and grief.  Then this morning, I opened my blog and what should I find but two comments from friends – talking about those rainbows!  It was a ray of sunshine after a storm and a little rainbow in my heart.  It was so meaningful to me that I decided to turn it into a post.

Holding On, a friend I met on Emotional Affair Journey, wrote this as the opening of her comment to me:

“Soon after D-Day rainbows and butterflies became my symbols from God that he was looking after me in my pain and hurt.  I saw them EVERYWHERE.  My symbol of change and transformation of promises of a better future.”

So I’m not the only one, and I’m not crazy for believing God was speaking to me this way…

And then another friend, Not Over It Either, wrote the following comment, which also helped me tremendously:

“You might find this an interesting coincidence:  In the Catholic church, this Sunday’s readings were about God’s covenant with Noah, when God promised a rainbow as a sign of the convenant.

Of course I don’t know exactly how you feel . . . but your description of how the pain and depression sometimes takes you over completely captures so well what I have felt so many times.  I don’t know that I believe the old saying that pain shared is pain halved, but I do believe that pain shared is at least pain reduced!  When I read about your pain, I know that I am not completely alone, and it does reduce mine.  Thank you.   Your blog is a blessing, and I hope you are receiving as much as you are giving through it.

I wrote here a month or so ago, and I told you I am about four years down this road.  I am so much better, and you will be too.  There are just so many fits and starts and setbacks!  During the times that I feel I am mostly healed, I never, ever want the dark times to come back.  But they do, and I think I’ve made those times more difficult for myself by fighting them and not accepting them as part of the process.  For so long, I’ve desperately wanted to be completely past the pain.  Now I understand that I never will be, it’s always going to be inside of me.  But it is becoming a smaller and smaller part of me, and the really low times are coming less frequently and with less intensity.

Looking back, I wish I had kept a log in which I rated how I felt each day.  Because I think then I would have been able to look back at it and see that I began to have some good days, then they became more frequent, and slowly the good days began outnumbering the bad days.  I think that would have been really encouraging during the setbacks when I started to lose hope that I would ever heal.  You might try it!

Take care, and keep sharing!”

And I decided to respond to NOIE as the closing of today’s post:

NOIE,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.  I didn’t know that the weekend readings were about Noah and the rainbow!  That really speaks to me.  I work in a Catholic school, and while I am not Catholic, I have a deep respect for the meaning of the Mass and the faith of the true believers within the Catholic faith.  I’m going to go back and look up the readings.

I do remember your comments from before, and I’m glad to see you here again.  It means a lot to me.  Friends like you help to make this blog a place for me to receive as well as to try to give to our community.

I do wish it would all just go away!  Sadly, though, this is the hand we have drawn.  I am glad to know that it will continue to decrease.  Your description is something I can relate to, and I appreciate it very much.  Our blogging friends Morgan (Morgan vs. Morgan) and Pat (Back on My Own) and Kris (Healing After Adultery) also help me to know that it does get better.  I look to you all for comfort and for the hope to keep moving forward.

I have not kept a log for the purpose of describing my feelings each day, but the transcripts of my correspondence with my marriage coach can serve that purpose.  I write a few times per week and detail the progress, or regression, I make.  It is indeed interesting.  My coach says my writing is entirely different than it was a year ago.  I’m glad for that.

I used to say that I wanted to get back to normal, but now I understand that while I am getting better, I cannot return to who I was before.  My husband’s affair has changed me to the core.  I am different, better in some ways, worse in some ways… but healing with a deeper understanding of myself and of people who suffer mental and emotional pain and anguish.  It is so good that we have a community of our own here in the blogosphere.

Not Over It and Not Over It Either – what a good pair!

Sending love and prayers to you,

DJ

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26 thoughts on “Reflecting on the rainbows

  1. NOIE says:

    Wow! I love being able to share these feelings and connect on-line. I wish I had done this a long time ago! I am so glad you don’t mind me latching onto your name (not over it), at least it doesn’t sound like you do. I like the acronym – NOIE – I’m going to start using that as my official name here.

    I’m going to go back and look at Sunday’s readings, too, because I actually didn’t pay much attention at the time.

    • Not Over It says:

      I don’t mind at all – it makes me feel connected to you in a way – as though we are sisters in our online community. Those of us here have an understanding of one another that only we can share.

      I like the name, too – NOIE. Hope to hear from you again soon… as soon as I finish work today, I’m going to look up the readings. Please let me know how they speak to you.

  2. Pretty nice post. I simply stumbled upon your blog and wished to mention that I have really loved surfing around your weblog posts. After all I will be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write once more very soon!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey Shawnee,

      Thank you for coming by and taking the time to comment! I appreciate it very much.

      I will be posting again in a day or two. I’ve been swamped with too many things recently – it’s good in a way because I don’t have time to sink into negative thoughts, but at the same time I feel like I don’t have time to re-center and keep myself in control. Hope to hear from you again!

      DJ

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  4. Holding On says:

    I haven’t been reading lately and have had a hard day with lots of tears and sadness. Imagine my surprise to see my comment on your post! Just as my comment has helped you after a trying time, I am also encouraged now. Thanks so much for sharing your posts. I relate to so many of your thoughts and feelings. We are going to make it!

  5. Not Over It says:

    Ah, that is so interesting how God speaks to us through His people. In my most recent post, at this writing, I said that I was once again floundering – lots of pain and tears for me, too. Receiving your new comment made me smile and remember those rainbows. I needed that. Thank you again, Holding On. I very much appreciate it.

    Love & prayers,
    DJ

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    • Not Over It says:

      I appreciate that. I find writing very therapeutic and it is wonderful to have a place where we can all share with each other. Hope all is well in your life.
      DJ

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      DJ

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