Rainbows everywhere

Depression – I thought I knew what that felt like prior to D-day.  But I didn’t, not really.  Now I do.  All of us in this world of infidelity do.  It’s just part of the world we live in now.  I’m not always depressed anymore, but right now I can’t seem to shake it.  It weighs me down, a heavy burden thrown on my back that seeps into my whole being.

But then, in the last 24 hours, I have seen 6 rainbows!  What an amazing thing!  It feels like God is telling me that things will get better.

I know they will get better.  Whether or not my husband decides to step up to the plate and get better with me, it doesn’t matter.  I will get better.  I can’t shake the depression right now, but I will.  That’s a lot better than the way I felt last year.  Last year it felt like there was no way out of my misery.  Now I understand that I have passed through this before and gotten better.  So now I can say for sure that this, too, shall pass.

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17 thoughts on “Rainbows everywhere

  1. backonmyown says:

    I hope you can focus on the rainbows.

  2. Not Over It says:

    Hi Pat!

    Thank you for writing… you’ve helped me to focus on the rainbows! Yes, I will definitely have a good day today. I was reminded on your blog the other day of something Abe Lincoln said, “People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

    Words to live by… hope your day is going well.

    DJ

  3. owneradmin says:

    yes, this too shall pass – rainbows are a sign of God’s promises. I’m praying for you 🙂

  4. owneradmin says:

    Oh that was me, KRIS above that posted that, DJ haha sorry I didn’t change my log in when I posted 🙂

  5. Not Over It says:

    Hey Kris,

    Yes, I believe God was telling me something with all those rainbows. It was unbelievable, and so awe-inspiring.

    I have a long story about God and me. One day I may tell it. I used to be one of those Christians that newbies tried to emulate. Maybe it’s nearing the time for me to return to the fold.

    I appreciate your prayers. I do know that they work.

    Sending love and prayers to you,
    DJ

  6. Foolish Woman says:

    “All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of thing will be well.”

    Or so I tell myself when I can feel things slipping again.

  7. Not Over It says:

    Thank you, FW – that’s a good one to put to memory for the hard times. Hope all is well with you.

    DJ

  8. I feel bad that you continue struggling with bouts of depression. You impress me as someone with a kind soul and certainly not deserving of such pain.

    At the same time, it’s very encouraging to see you’re winning that struggle. It sounds like you’ve become a lot stronger. Know that your strength has inspired me to keep fighting as well.

    I’m glad your dark feelings were brightened a bit by the rainbows. Never forget, you have a beautiful heart. That’s a rainbow you carry with you at all times! I’m glad you continue to let people see it.

    Your in my thoughts, DJ.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey D,

      You’ve made me smile today! I’m so glad we can all share like this with each other.

      I am indeed much stronger now. My husband sees it, too. He vacillates between appreciating it and hating it. Ha!

      I read on your blog that you are rescheduling that meeting with your wife. Good for you. I think you did the right thing.

      Take care – for me exercise has become my distraction. I joined an exercise group that has become a huge part of my life. The core group has become close friends and we do all kinds of things together aside from exercise. I enjoy it tremendously.

      Thank you, D. Thinking of you, too…
      DJ

  9. Not over it either, but getting there says:

    You might find this an interesting coincidence: In the Catholic church, this Sunday’s readings were about God’s covenant with Noah, when God promised a rainbow as a sign of the convenant.

    Of course I don’t know exactly how you feel . . . but your description of how the pain and depression sometimes takes you over completely captures so well what I have felt so many times. I don’t know that I believe the old saying that pain shared is pain halved, but I do believe that pain shared is at least pain reduced! When I read about your pain, I know that I am not completely alone, and it does reduce mine. Thank you. Your blog is a blessing, and I hope you are receiving as much as you are giving through it.

    I wrote here a month or so ago, and I told you I am about four years down this road. I am so much better, and you will be too. There are just so many fits and starts and setbacks! During the times that I feel I am mostly healed, I never, ever want the dark times to come back. But they do, and I think I’ve made those times more difficult for myself by fighting them and not accepting them as part of the process. For so long, I’ve desperately wanted to be completely past the pain. Now I understand that I never will be, it’s always going to be inside of me. But it is becoming a smaller and smaller part of me, and the really low times are coming less frequently and with less intensity.

    Looking back, I wish I had kept a log in which I rated how I felt each day. Because I think then I would have been able to look back at it and see that I began to have some good days, then they became more frequent, and slowly the good days began outnumbering the bad days. I think that would have been really encouraging during the setbacks when I started to lose hope that I would ever heal. You might try it!

    Take care, and keep sharing!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi NOIE,

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. As I was writing my reply, I realized it was starting to look like a post, so it has become my post today.

      Thank you again,
      DJ

  10. Holding On says:

    Soon after D-Day rainbows and butterflies became my symbols from God that he was looking after me in my pain and hurt. I saw them EVERYWHERE. My symbol of change and transformation of promises of a better future.

    I love that even though you are in the pits of depression, you can still see glimpses of the bright future to keep you going. Good job, DJ!

    I hit a big depression/sadness phase in January, enough so that I have started medication. I didn’t want to, but I was really worried for my children and being a part of their lives. Hopefully it will help me climb out of the pit, till I am able to handle better these hard emotions.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey there Holding On,

      I’m glad that you could see God throughout your ordeal. I sort of did, but I couldn’t. I knew that, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Now I can feel God reaching out to me.

      I have a post almost ready to go about medication and antidepressants. Sometimes it’s just a necessary part of healing. I am still thinking about it myself. These low times are so difficult to get through.

      Love & prayers to you,
      DJ

  11. Wow! Thank you! I continuously wanted to write on my site something like that. Can I include a portion of your post to my website?

    • Not Over It says:

      Sure, just post a credit so your readers know where it came from. I do the same when I find a great post. It’s great that we can all share. Wishing you a great day!
      DJ

  12. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your blog DJ. You give me so much hope and you inspire me. I’m a year and 4 months past dday. But actually less than that because I kept finding more details for an additional 3 months or so.

    My husband didn’t have just one affair, he became a serial cheater for the thrill of it. I’m still with him and he’s trying his best to fix the damage he’s done, but I don’t think it’s fixable. And I’m learning how to live with a lot of pain and grief.

    Your metaphor of a lit candle for hope made me break down. I still have hope, so much hope–it’s actually heartbreaking that I still love my husband after what he’s done. We have young kids together. I’m sure I’ve nearly ruined their lives with the sadness that surrounds me. Ugh. I’m doing my best regardless.

    I also am touched by your reference of seeing rainbows, can’t remember the other sign that symbolizes the covenant of marriage. I really could use a rainbow right about now.

    I also think I have fibromyalgia too. I’m always achy and have horrible IBS, I can’t ever fall asleep, then I can’t wake up and always feel tired. I’m scared that I’m going to be in eternal hell if I keep feeling as bad physically as I do emotionally.

    Anyhow, I just want to thank you again and again. Hope is a beautiful thing. I wish you love and continued healing to you and your Daniel.

    • DJ says:

      Hi kwa – is that what I should call you?

      I haven’t blogged in a long time, but I check for messages a couple times a week and found yours today. I’m so glad you took the time to write.

      It sounds like you are still in the trauma phase of recovery. It took me almost three years to feel that I was moving beyond that phase, but it did get better. Just remember to be aware of your perspectives and attitudes. I know too many people who get stuck at the point where you are now, and never learn to be happy again. You need to feel your feelings and have a place to vent, but remember that this is all for the purpose of releasing the pain and not to hold resentments. Then it will get better one day.

      Four things were crucial to my recovery: God, my marriage coach, blogging so I could find people who truly understood, and a passion for fitness. I stopped blogging when I felt I needed to move beyond that phase, but I still write to my marriage coach sometimes, and I still get outside to work out whenever possible. Being outside in nature as I work out is so therapeutic for me. Have you found something for yourself that brings passion to your soul?

      Fibromyalgia and IBS plagued me for a long time, too. Today I believe that the trauma of it all affected my immune system and left me unable to absorb proper nutrition for a long time. I changed my entire lifestyle, from exercise to nutrition to meditation practices, and all my symptoms gradually went away. Today, it has been 5-1/2 years and I feel better than when I was 30, and I am in my 50’s.

      It won’t be fast but it can be a good life again. For me, it’s still a work in progress but I am happy most of the time. Hearing “their song” or seeing her name still throws me for a loop and I still shed a few tears over my losses once in a while, but it’s now at the point where I think it’s like any trauma in life. It leaves its mark, but we can regain control over our lives. Our traumas do not need to control us forever.

      Finding out that my husband was not who I thought he was – the sense of rejection and betrayal – the loss and grief – these very nearly took my life. It sounds like it did for you, too. Know that you are not alone. I will continue to check in here, and if you need to vent or to ask something, don’t hesitate.

      Allow yourself to grieve, to be angry, sad, resentful — whatever you need to go through. Feel it and live in it. You are ok. One day you will be able to put it away for periods of time. I used to think of it in a beautiful box on my living room shelf. Sometimes it fell down and I needed to look at it and clean it up, but then I would put it away again.

      In my life, it still falls down sometimes, but the mess it creates is so much smaller than before, and it’s much easier to clean up. And then I don’t think about it at all for a while, and life is good.

      You can get there, and maybe even beyond where I am.

      Notice I didn’t mention Daniel at all. If your husband can be a help in your recovery, it will go faster, but he doesn’t need to be.

      I now live in a valley where rainbows are frequent! And now I will think of you and pray for you when I see them.

      Love & prayers for you,
      DJ

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