Still on the roller coaster

In the past couple of weeks, I have not posted about what has been happening in my relationship with my husband, except for Valentine’s Day.  Just when I thought things were going rather smoothly,  we hit a couple of whirling loops on the roller coaster of of our journey.  I am still trying to catch my breath.

He went back to his hometown for his nephew’s wedding.  I couldn’t go because of my work schedule.  While he was there, his sister-in-law told some of his classmates that he was in town.  Most of these people were not close to him when they were in high school.  They became close when he hooked up with his OW, who had been his high school sweetheart.  They formed an online group that chatted and exchanged photos and all that.  In the emails, it was apparent that my husband and his OW used this group as a way to add excitement to their secret.

He told me that on this trip he didn’t have any time for people outside the family and that he saw no one.  He lied.  The ones who were in town got together and set up their photo sharing and chatting.  My husband was there.  I figured it out through some emails he received.

His OW does not live there anymore, so she would have been one of the people receiving photos and messages.  My husband finally admitted it to me after the fact.  I said, “What happened to no contact?  That certainly sounds like contact to me.”

He maintained that he had not been in contact with her.  He said he met up with them only because his sister-in-law had spilled the beans about his visit.  He said he was in some of the photos but that was it, as far as she was concerned.  He said that he just wanted to visit with his old friends.  I decided to accept that, as per the advice given by my coach and by LFBA.  I just said ok.  But these people were not his friends.  They were “their” friends.  And he still saw photos of her.   He apologized and said it would not happen again.

I about lost it during the period between my discovery of the emails and my confrontation with him.  Talk about triggered… I didn’t go all the way back to the devastation of my D-day, but the pain was worse than I had felt in a long, long time before that.  And I continue to be depressed.  I have even thought about taking antidepressants.

He has been trying big time to make it up to me.  Valentine’s Day was subdued, due to all the triggers, but we had a nice, intimate evening.  This past weekend was a long weekend for both of us and we spent almost the entire time together.  That was wonderfully warm and intimate, too.  This morning he gave me a big hug and kiss and said he had had a wonderful time with me, and couldn’t wait to get home again tonight.  Me, too.  We are loving and considerate and attentive to each other.  But still I am depressed.

I have been reading a lot on Emotional Affair Journey about cheating spouses needing to grieve the loss of their lover.  And that makes me grieve the loss of my husband’s heart.  Do I have it back?  Did I ever really have it?  I go back and forth on this one.   I don’t know and I don’t know if I see things clearly enough to tell.

Not off that roller coaster yet, I guess.  I wish I could ask him to quit his alumni association.  Is that asking too much?

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20 thoughts on “Still on the roller coaster

  1. “And that makes me grieve the loss of my husband’s heart. Do I have it back? Did I ever really have it? I go back and forth on this one. I don’t know and I don’t know if I see things clearly enough to tell.”

    Anyone can ask these questions at any time in any relationship. When I met X…I was still grieving the loss of a gal I was in a (weird) relationhsip with for 6 yrs. Did X capture me?? Absolutely.
    I wish I could see into your husband’s heart and answer with 100% certainty.
    But his actions toward you…would indicate where his heart lies.
    That does not take away the hurt and pain of what happened. It does not absolve him for his role.
    Deception in a form about his involvement with the alumni group is painful.
    So…is asking him to quit his alumni group something that is a must do? Is it a deal breaker if he does not?
    Can you accept it that he loves you AND wanted to see his fiends while there?? This is a place far away correct??

    I’m sorry for your pain and depression DJ. I know what it is like.

    The roller coaster ride will not be over for a while…but it will help if you can take the journey with your husband. Will he climb on and go through the whooshing valleys and G-force turns with you?
    Can you both stand getting knocked around and bruised as you heal?

    I have no magic words to salve your wounds…except that the only way to trust is to trust. the only way to love is to love.
    and sometimes, it works. and sometimes it does not.
    But you will always know that you were in it to win it, seeking the truth.
    And knowing that, you will gain strength and peace.

  2. DJ says:

    Thank you, LFBA. I know these things – I have learned them from you before, and yet I cannot shake the depression right now. I am crying my eyes out as I write this. I’m not even sure why. I was doing so well, and then the thought that he was going to be in contact with her, well… that blew it all away. I’m not sure I believe that he wasn’t.

    He duped me for six years… six long years… I don’t trust my own instincts sometimes, much less his word. Most of the time I do, but right now, no…

    • I’m so sorry DJ. I know how much this tears at the soul.
      So…this is then a need…to have a discussion about what this trigger does to you.
      It should probably be in a counseling session.
      and this may be a non contact thing for now.

      Thoughts are with you.
      Peace to you
      LFBA

      • Not Over It says:

        I so appreciate you, LFBA. It’s been difficult getting through the day today and it was so heartwarming to come here and find a message from you, and from Morgan, too.

        I guess it is a need. I had not thought it would be, but I have not had any trigger do this to me. I thought I was beyond this already, but someone said that healing is not a straight line. You bounce all over the place as you slowly move toward it.

        A few weeks ago, my coach suggested I use Dr. K to deal with things that needed mediation between my husband and me. While Dr. K does not help me, he has been very effective in getting my husband to realize some things he needed to do to move us closer to healing.

        So I guess I’m calling Dr. K tomorrow.

        Thank you again, LFBA.

        DJ

  3. Morgan says:

    It’s definitely not too much to ask….he needs to be sympathetic to the triggers and knowing the group is full of secret keepers isn’t exactly the type of company he should be around. Grieving over the loss of a lover doesn’t mean he can ignore the fact that seeing her, chatting w/her or being around her friends isn’t going to trigger your emotions. The roller coaster may slow down just enough for you to think through things, but you still have wild dips, twists and turns in your recovery unfortunately.

  4. Not Over It says:

    Oh, Morgan, it’s good to hear from you. As I told LFBA, I was so down and depressed today, and it was like a little rainbow to see a message from you.

    Thank you for helping me to think through this question. All your points are absolutely right. I don’t think he has even thought of it in terms of it being a trigger. And I was so triggered that I don’t think I explained myself very well. I’m more calm now, so it’ll come out better the next time. I’ll use words from both you and LFBA to help him see.

    Have you used a counselor to help mediate when you don’t understand each other? You and your husband deal with things so well…

    Thank you again…

    DJ

    • Morgan says:

      My hubby and I have a common goal…and there are NO secrets kept. And…we DEAL with it all now…no more rug-sweeping, or excuses–we work hard!!! It’s NOT easy to rebuild at all. We have our moments. The aftermath is a huge learning process. We’re not the same people and we had to start all over again. I go back in my mind to the old thought patterns and old habits (they die hard)—but, because the agony and suffering was so severe for both of us, it’s shaken both of us up so much we desire change now.
      We did go to counseling for a year and a half. There are times I think we should still be in counseling–but, we have to take what we’ve learned and apply it.
      Dj….our faith has helped us through this.

      • Not Over It says:

        Thank you for sharing that with me, Morgan. I needed to hear it all, especially the part about your faith. One day I will share about why God has not been included in much of my story thus far. I am slowly coming around.

        Love & prayers to you,
        DJ

  5. jules says:

    I would absolutely ask him to leave the alumni group. No contact means, no contact at all. The group means both having a way to keep up with each other without blatantly being in contact. It is wrong and disrespectful to you as a betrayed partner. My husband took almost a year to give up ALL contact with his OW. He was dishonest about it and that dishonesty put us back to square one each and every time. I totally understand the roller coaster. I am on it everyday. Some days are smooth, others are like climbing those scary hills, then the next is that crazy drop and twist. You never know what is to come the next day. If my husband hadn’t been transferred to another state, my next step would be telling him to get a new job or a new wife. I couldn’t trust either one of them being in the same town. Much like the alumni group, it just gives him a chance to be dishonest. If he wants to be in touch with some in the group tell him to get their email or facebook friend them. There are other ways to keep in touch with the others without being a part of the alumni group with her. Much love to you.

  6. Not Over It says:

    Hi Jules, I appreciate your thoughts and your examples. They make me stronger and give me the conviction to get this thing taken care of. I can’t tell you what it means to have the support of friends as I go through this.

    I have not been so triggered or depressed for a very long time. I really thought I was past this already. I know what you mean about going back to square one. It will take a lot for me to regain the ground I’ve lost.

    Hope all is well with you – sending love & prayers to you,

    DJ

  7. Buckeyewife says:

    It’s not too much to ask for him to leave that association. You want friends of your marriage, not friends of the affair. I agree that a bunch of secret keepers is not the type of company he needs to be keeping.

    I can’t even imagine a similar scenario. Huge, huge trigger…and you need complete honesty.

    Hope things are going well.

  8. Not Over It says:

    Nice to meet you, Buckeyewife,

    Good point – I’ve read it before but needed that reminder – we need friends of the marriage, not friends of the affair.

    We’re doing ok. I’m just depressed and hurting pretty bad. That’s nothing new. He’s trying really hard to make it up to me. I think, though, that he hasn’t learned anything from this argument. I need to make him understand what he did. I don’t think he realizes that it was a trigger at all. He keeps saying he just met with old friends. LFBA’s suggestion to bring it up in counseling will probably be the best way to handle it. Otherwise, we will end up in a huge fight and things will really go downhill.

    I’m grateful to have friends talking me through this, and I appreciate your taking the time to write. I see you have a blog, too. I’ll be by to visit.

    Thank you – asking God for blessings upon your home…
    DJ

  9. jules says:

    I like that, Friends of the marriage not friends of the affair. Perfect!

    • Not Over It says:

      I believe that came from Shirley Glass’ book Not Just Friends. That book helped me a lot at the very beginning of my journey. I still look back at it from time to time.

  10. Lynne says:

    Not over it-

    “he keeps saying he just met with old friends” equals selfish thinking on his part, as that makes it about HIM. To do the right thing, is for him to shift this to empathy for YOU! Were you to have been the one to have the affair, who then went out of town and did the same, how might this feel to him–what fears and anxiety would he experience?

    I had this conversation with my H yesterday (based on feedback from my new sherpa, regarding boundaries). I let him know that when he attempts to argue my feelings or requests (which are rational and reasonable, and owned by me!), he sets us back. In other words, these are my feelings and can’t be debated, but should be listened to with empathy–more questions can be asked of me about why a particular thing is important to me, but to to tell me I’m wrong is unacceptable. I pointed out that his defensive reaction to my feelings are about him, not about me–his discomfort that he needs to own and work through!!!

    Have you read the book “Boundaries”? My sherpa recommended it (by the way, I love James!). Having read this, I might just become dangerous 😉

    Lynne

  11. Not Over It says:

    Hey Lynne,

    Amazing grace – those are just the words I needed to be reminded of today. I am reading Boundaries right now. It is indeed enlightening.

    All the explaining in the world will not cut it if my husband does not see that he needs to make some changes. That’s where we are right now. We will be having some discussions this weekend. Just had one this morning and he didn’t take it well. I am not upset. It’s just another step in the process. I am slowly learning to distance my emotions from his actions, as recommended by my coach.

    I always say James is the best thing since Jamoca Almond Fudge! I wasn’t sure who you got as your sherpa – another of my blogging friends got Randy. They’re both really good. Marriage Sherpa knows how to contract with good people.

    I have determined to have a rainbow of a day today – hope yours is going well, too. Thank you so much for writing. You’ve helped me to move forward today.

    DJ

  12. Jc Brinks says:

    Very interesting points you have noted, thanks for putting up.

  13. nmwf1 says:

    I haven’t wrote in a while, but i read about the trigger and major setback in your healing process. I cant help but put in my two cents as the whole thing has left a pit in my stomach, i can imagine the pain you are in. Miss DJ, you sound like a very lovely,caring person with a very loving heart. And I can see it is a major setback for you. as it would be for me to. I can’t believe he didn’t see the ripple this would cause in his relationship with you. I mean really, his first defense was to lie about it,, , we all know when you lie about something it most likely means a person has something to hide. Given the nature of things; his wife should have come first in his mind, not these lousy people with no morals, I don’t buy that he went there clueless. . Really he wasn’t friends with these people before she came along. He is not Naive and neither are those people, given the fact that they keep in touch with the ow,( after all they are good friends with her and he only became good friends with them through her.) Then I’m sure thru her they know every single detail of what happened. Lets face it those people could care less about the state of your marriage or the pain that it caused you. And as far as i can see there so called alumni group is just a way to fuel the fire and his way of finding out details of what she is doing these days. he had to have known the subject about her would be the topic of the nite. And as for the sister in law. Really REALLY? are you kidding me? with in-laws like her who the hell needs in-laws like her. She knew it would cause drama. Frankly I would have nothing to do with her ever again. you cant tell me that she contacted them out of the goodness of her heart, she knew exactly what she was doing.She sounds like a drama queen.( Do you really think she would have told them he was coming to town if you would have gotten to come to.)I’m pretty sure that would have been an uncomfortable situation if you were there. After all, he couldn’t be himself with you there now could he? I can assure you he would have turned them down for fear they would slip up and rat him out for things. This is not high school anymore and we are not children and infidelity is painful, torturous, and has destroyed many lives. He could have said NO! and fueled your belief and trust in him instead. Shame on him. I myself have had painful setbacks but i will leave it for another day. your in pain enough for the both of us right now. Hang in there my friend. You can tell me if i am out of line. I am on the same out of control runaway roller coaster from hell. I am in the last car. not funny I know but I am hanging on for dear life. nm

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey NMWF1,

      Glad to hear from you. I always say the best part of blogging is the community we develop to help each other through. Hope all is well with you.

      Yes, it’s been over a month and I am still dealing with the after effects of his actions when he went home. He is starting to realize things, though, and he is doing better now with the situation. I will be posting about the whole thing soon.

      I am so touched by your comment. You have helped me get through a difficult day today.

      Love & prayers to you,
      DJ

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