In the past couple of weeks, I have not posted about what has been happening in my relationship with my husband, except for Valentine’s Day. Just when I thought things were going rather smoothly, we hit a couple of whirling loops on the roller coaster of of our journey. I am still trying to catch my breath.
He went back to his hometown for his nephew’s wedding. I couldn’t go because of my work schedule. While he was there, his sister-in-law told some of his classmates that he was in town. Most of these people were not close to him when they were in high school. They became close when he hooked up with his OW, who had been his high school sweetheart. They formed an online group that chatted and exchanged photos and all that. In the emails, it was apparent that my husband and his OW used this group as a way to add excitement to their secret.
He told me that on this trip he didn’t have any time for people outside the family and that he saw no one. He lied. The ones who were in town got together and set up their photo sharing and chatting. My husband was there. I figured it out through some emails he received.
His OW does not live there anymore, so she would have been one of the people receiving photos and messages. My husband finally admitted it to me after the fact. I said, “What happened to no contact? That certainly sounds like contact to me.”
He maintained that he had not been in contact with her. He said he met up with them only because his sister-in-law had spilled the beans about his visit. He said he was in some of the photos but that was it, as far as she was concerned. He said that he just wanted to visit with his old friends. I decided to accept that, as per the advice given by my coach and by LFBA. I just said ok. But these people were not his friends. They were “their” friends. And he still saw photos of her. He apologized and said it would not happen again.
I about lost it during the period between my discovery of the emails and my confrontation with him. Talk about triggered… I didn’t go all the way back to the devastation of my D-day, but the pain was worse than I had felt in a long, long time before that. And I continue to be depressed. I have even thought about taking antidepressants.
He has been trying big time to make it up to me. Valentine’s Day was subdued, due to all the triggers, but we had a nice, intimate evening. This past weekend was a long weekend for both of us and we spent almost the entire time together. That was wonderfully warm and intimate, too. This morning he gave me a big hug and kiss and said he had had a wonderful time with me, and couldn’t wait to get home again tonight. Me, too. We are loving and considerate and attentive to each other. But still I am depressed.
I have been reading a lot on Emotional Affair Journey about cheating spouses needing to grieve the loss of their lover. And that makes me grieve the loss of my husband’s heart. Do I have it back? Did I ever really have it? I go back and forth on this one. I don’t know and I don’t know if I see things clearly enough to tell.
Not off that roller coaster yet, I guess. I wish I could ask him to quit his alumni association. Is that asking too much?