When we first fell in love

I was sitting at my computer listening to music on Pandora when what should come up on the playlist but “our” song.  It brings bittersweet memories now.

I can still see myself in the university library holding the words to that song.  I had driven him home the night before after a late night studying at the library, and that song had played on the radio.  He listened to it for a bit and said he liked it a lot.  I did, too.  I didn’t tell him that I had already decided in my mind that the words perfectly described my feelings for him.  He said he wanted to find the words to it.  I told him that I had them, so I would copy them for him.  We were not dating solo yet.  We had gone together to a number of group events and parties and dances, but had never gone out alone together.

I found the coolest paper I had at home, and wrote the words out in my best handwriting.  Then I did my nails and picked out the perfect outfit to wear the next day.  I couldn’t even think about studying any more that night, and I had a hard time falling asleep.

So there I was the next day, in a fitted pink and white dress, conservative but just a little playful, with matching nails and the words written out on ivory paper with bamboo designs.  It would just be a few minutes before his class let out and he always came to the library after that.  I waited for what seemed an eternity – it was only 10  minutes – and then I heard his voice.  He was saying hi to some friends as he strode through the lobby.  My heart fluttered and I practically stopped breathing.  I turned to look at the handsome young man that had captured my heart.  Tall, dark, and handsome with thick black hair and a strong square jaw… he was from a big cosmopolitan city and he carried an air of sophistication and culture about him.  He had a slight British accent with his deep baritone voice.  So perfect, I thought…

He was warm and friendly with everyone and many girls were after him.  They were envious of the time he spent with me.  He saw me as he neared my table and he came over as I stood up.  I gave him the words as I said hi.  He smiled and touched my hand as he took the paper.  We stood there as he looked at it.  “Beautiful words,” he said.

“It’s one of my favorites,” I said.

“Your handwriting is beautiful, too.  Like it came out of a textbook or something…”

I beamed.  “The words are very meaningful to me,” I spoke softly, hardly more than a whisper.

He looked deeply into my eyes and said, “Me, too.”

And that was it.  We knew we had just declared our love for each other.

As I look back on it now, I feel heartache and pain, but also nostalgia and love.  It will never be the same again.  It will never again be simple and pure and sweet and perfect.   But as LFBA has told me, even though my husband’s OW was his first love, it doesn’t mean that he didn’t actually fall in love with me back then.  That does help a little to think that he really was in love with me back then.

I hope that it can be good again.  Different, but good.  My candle of hope still burns…

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10 thoughts on “When we first fell in love

  1. backonmyown says:

    I hope so too. Sounds like you have a lot of history to help you along.

  2. aaroncrj says:

    Hi DJ:

    Greetings from the Persian Gulf! I wanted you to know that I have not disappeared and that I appreciate all of the support you’ve continued to send my way.

    I also have to give a huge THANK YOU!! for introducing me to online coaching. Though it’s been only a week, he has helped me start to sort through some of the most unsettling and confounding aspects of my relationship with my wife, both pre- and post-EA discovery. In some ways it is better than counseling because I get to reflect on the questions before I ask and I can go back and re-read his insights. I also feel like I am in control of the direction of the counseling, where I felt like my counselor was following a path she wanted to follow.

    Thanks also for sharing a bit of your history. I know far too well that it’s easy to lose sight of the magic that brought you together as a couple. As you say, it can’t ever be the same, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be great–or even better than before. I know you’re working on getting there. Thanks for helping me to do the same.

    –Aaron

    • DJ says:

      Aaron! You’re in the Persian Gulf??? My goodness – I guess I’ve never asked what you do… hope all is well.

      I’m glad onine coaching is working for you, too. I frequently go back over old posts between my coach and me to reflect and really think through the issues we face. It helps a lot and I also find it better than traditional counseling. For couples’ counseling, I think the traditional setting is better because the counselor can mediate, and my coach agrees. But for individual purposes, I love online coaching.

      Keep in touch and stay safe!

      DJ

  3. jules says:

    DJ,
    It is funny how powerful music can be to us. I actually have a post that I haven’t published yet about music. Mine unfortunately, is about “their” songs. They often sent songs to each other. When I found the emails, I also found their music. Now I am haunted by their songs. I can hardly go a day without hearing one. Much love and good thoughts sent your way.

    Jules

    • DJ says:

      Hey Jules,

      Music truly speaks to our souls. The songs they shared are also huge triggers for me. They can send me into a flashback that is difficult to recover from. It can take days to get over the depression that accompanies it. I had to go through extreme measures to avoid them at the beginning. I still avoid them but it’s not so debilitating now.

      Even our song was a trigger at the beginning. So many memories that are forever tainted… but now it just makes me a little sad.

      I avoided music altogether for a while. Now I think I need make some new memories with new songs. I think I’m ready for that. Not for the love you forever, love of my life type songs – but maybe something light and happy.

      Love and prayers to you,
      DJ

  4. coralf says:

    It’s the lost trust in the innocents of these moments that I miss.

    Thanks for sharing

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Coralf,
      Yes, I think that is one of the hardest things. There is no taking back that loss of innocence and trust. It’s done. We can only grieve the loss and try to move on. Thank you for taking the time to write. I appreciate it and feel strengthened by the camaraderie we share.
      DJ

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