I was sitting at my computer listening to music on Pandora when what should come up on the playlist but “our” song. It brings bittersweet memories now.
I can still see myself in the university library holding the words to that song. I had driven him home the night before after a late night studying at the library, and that song had played on the radio. He listened to it for a bit and said he liked it a lot. I did, too. I didn’t tell him that I had already decided in my mind that the words perfectly described my feelings for him. He said he wanted to find the words to it. I told him that I had them, so I would copy them for him. We were not dating solo yet. We had gone together to a number of group events and parties and dances, but had never gone out alone together.
I found the coolest paper I had at home, and wrote the words out in my best handwriting. Then I did my nails and picked out the perfect outfit to wear the next day. I couldn’t even think about studying any more that night, and I had a hard time falling asleep.
So there I was the next day, in a fitted pink and white dress, conservative but just a little playful, with matching nails and the words written out on ivory paper with bamboo designs. It would just be a few minutes before his class let out and he always came to the library after that. I waited for what seemed an eternity – it was only 10 minutes – and then I heard his voice. He was saying hi to some friends as he strode through the lobby. My heart fluttered and I practically stopped breathing. I turned to look at the handsome young man that had captured my heart. Tall, dark, and handsome with thick black hair and a strong square jaw… he was from a big cosmopolitan city and he carried an air of sophistication and culture about him. He had a slight British accent with his deep baritone voice. So perfect, I thought…
He was warm and friendly with everyone and many girls were after him. They were envious of the time he spent with me. He saw me as he neared my table and he came over as I stood up. I gave him the words as I said hi. He smiled and touched my hand as he took the paper. We stood there as he looked at it. “Beautiful words,” he said.
“It’s one of my favorites,” I said.
“Your handwriting is beautiful, too. Like it came out of a textbook or something…”
I beamed. “The words are very meaningful to me,” I spoke softly, hardly more than a whisper.
He looked deeply into my eyes and said, “Me, too.”
And that was it. We knew we had just declared our love for each other.
As I look back on it now, I feel heartache and pain, but also nostalgia and love. It will never be the same again. It will never again be simple and pure and sweet and perfect. But as LFBA has told me, even though my husband’s OW was his first love, it doesn’t mean that he didn’t actually fall in love with me back then. That does help a little to think that he really was in love with me back then.
I hope that it can be good again. Different, but good. My candle of hope still burns…