Online coaching

For three days after D-day, I was non-functional.  I was in physical shock.  I could not eat.  I could not sleep.  I could not think.  I felt like I was on a different plane of existence.  My world seemed to stand still or move in slow motion.  It felt like the hole in my chest was real.

I slowly started functioning again, but the shock did not go away for some time.  I did not eat normally for several months.  I still do not sleep normally.  And I know my thinking is still a little slow and fuzzy at times.

After a month, I asked my husband to consider counseling.  He readily said ok.  I’ve posted about that awful experience.  She did not validate my feelings at all.  She kept trying to give me new age meditation techniques for relieving the pain.  She tried to move me into the marriage rebuilding stage when I was still raw and in so much pain I couldn’t function well.  With her red nails, high heels and plastered-on smile she tried to make it seem like the affair was no big deal.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say that.  And at that time, it just pushed me farther down into the pit of despair.

So I withdrew from life and into my pain and I read books, articles and searched online for answers.  Emotional Affair Journey was a tremendous help.  Then in January I came across Marriage Sherpa.  Emotional Affair Journey had mentioned Dr. Frank Gunzberg several times and Marriage Sherpa is his site.  I poured over the articles and liked what they had to say.  They had a product called Marriage Coaching.  A real live licensed therapist who would answer questions in a private blog… sounded interesting.  They promised an answer within 1 business day.  That made a lot of sense to me.  Waiting a whole week or even two weeks to see a therapist was hard.  Fights, triggers, and questions would pop up in between visits and it was hard to wait or to reschedule for the next available time slot.

I hemmed and hawed for a few days.  It was a fairly new program at the time and I was leery of trying something online that didn’t have many reviews yet.  But I kept going back and looking at the site.  I couldn’t find anything negative about it online, and a few positives.  My husband said if it would help me, go ahead.  It’s $99 per month for unlimited access, cheaper than what I paid for weekly face-to-face sessions with a local therapist.  I signed up.

It’s called coaching because the program is not as intensive as traditional therapy.  You give some background, you ask some questions, and you get some advice.  In my case, I wrote a few times per week and my coach often answered ahead of schedule.  I just passed the one-year mark with him, and have no plans to quit anytime soon.

I can say without any hesitation that my coach is THE best thing I did for myself after D-day.  He guided me through the dark times and he continues to help me up when I fall backwards again.  I seriously would not be this far along without his help.

My daughter asked me recently how long I intended to continue with online coaching.  I laughed and said, “Oh, maybe until my coach retires.”

She laughed.  “He must really be something to impress you so much.”

He really is.

Sounding like an advertisement?  Sorry.  But as I looked at my blog the other day, I realized that I had not given much recognition to the person who really deserves credit for helping me move forward.  So hats off to my coach and to


8 thoughts on “Online coaching

  1. Holding On says:

    I have been so curious about your online coach and have thought a few times about asking more information about it. So thanks for your “advertisement” as our weekly sessions cost about that much and I am tentative about going lately as I feel I get in “trouble” for being too angry and not moving past this as I should. Thanks for sharing about your great coach that has helped you move forward!

    • Not Over It says:

      THank you for letting me know! I was wondering if I sounded too much like a commercial. I’m just really glad to share the info and so happy to share the great results I’ve had. My coach does remind me gently that I have to do this or that to move forward, but if I’m not ready, he never pushes. He knows that, although there are general patterns in infidelity, everyone’s situation is unique and we cannot rush anyone. He is great even as a general life coach. We talk about all kinds of stuff. He says the program is not for everyone, but for me, it has truly been THE best thing ever.

      I enjoy reading your comments on EAJ. Glad we are in this together.


  2. aaroncrj says:

    Hi DJ:

    So, I followed your example and started with an online coach a couple of days ago. We’ve had a couple of exchanges and I am trying to give him background on the situation. So far, I can see the benefits. I bought a 3-month package so I hope to give it a real try.

    As always, thanks for your kindness and support. I hope to have more time in the coming weeks to reconnect.

    Have a great weekend.


    • Not Over It says:

      Wow, Aaron, that’s wonderful! I hope it works as well for you as it does for me. I also tried the 3-month package and have continued on since then. I’ll be looking forward to hearing about how you’re doing – with that and with life in general.


  3. Lynne says:

    Hi DJ-

    I went to the site you listed, but I can’t find the link to the online coaching. Can you help?

    I have followed you and your progress and have been intrigued by reading your positive comments about your coaching experience. Also, I always look forward to a new blog post from you, as well as your insight on EAJ. Thanks for all you do to help the rest of us BS’s in this unfortunate club we’ve joined!


  4. Not Over It says:

    Hi Lynne,

    I also enjoy reading your comments on EAJ. You make a lot of sense and I value your input.

    When you click on the Marriage Sherpa link, you will see a page with red tabs across the top. Click on the one that says “Products.”

    That page lists all the different programs that Sherpa produces. Scroll down – near the bottom on the right side there is a box called “Marriage Coaching.” That’s the one. Click on it and you will see a description of the program with a signup section at the bottom.

    If you sign up, your coach will spend some time to get to know you so that his advice will be meaningful and productive. Some people may need traditional intensive therapy, but coaching works for me. My coach has even weighed in on choosing a marriage counselor when I was looking for one last November. I posted about how I needed my coach to help me with my counselor. Ha!

    Good luck with it! Let me know how it goes and if I can be of any help.

    I appreciate your kind words. It makes all the difference to me to know that the pain of my experiences can be meaningful in any way to someone else in our community, even if it’s to say “I’d never do that!”


  5. Lynne says:


    Okay, I did it! Today I joined “marriagesherpa” coaching. Here’s to hoping it’s as great of an experience for me as it has been for you. I love the idea of having another resource to turn to for advice, especially on those days when one hits the wall! I’m still trying to figure out how I can communicate with my H in a way that I can be heard, and where he will soften and open up to the opportunity to listen and learn me. While he does try, he is caught up in how he looks, and whether he’s feeling attacked, which is interesting cause’ I’m not an attacker. He’s the picture of being direct, but not so good with it even when it’s presented in a gentle way. Wow, wonder if that could be unresolved wounds from his past 😉


    • Not Over It says:

      That’s wonderful, Lynne! Another blogging friend, Aaron, also joined and has enjoyed his first week. It’s a great place to just be yourself and share your innermost thoughts without worry, and then to have an unbiased third party help you make sense of it.

      I don’t know if you’ve heard of the word “sherpa.” It means guide, and that’s what they are – sherpas for our journey. I love it.

      Good luck! Let me know how it goes!

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