Time apart

My coach has been telling me for a long time that my husband and I needed time apart to get better perspectives on ourselves and our marriage.  He even suggested  trial separation more than once when I fell into deep depression.  Well, the opportunity has arrived in the form of a two-week trip.  My husband has gone to his nephew’s wedding.  I couldn’t go because of my work schedule.  He is there for two weeks to visit family.

It was with some trepidation that I took him to the airport and kissed him goodbye.  Trips are a huge trigger for me.  He met up with her on some of his business trips, and when it wasn’t possible, they would spend every free moment on the phone, chatting on the computer, emailing, and sending each other songs.  He sent her the song “Power of Love” by Celine Dion at the very time the rest of the family was having a bridal shower at home for our daughter.  On trips to see his mom, he would talk for hours to her while “spending time” with his mother.  I don’t know how many times I got angry and hurt because he didn’t bother to call until many days had passed, and he never even wrote to tell me he had arrived safely.  But among the emails I found on D-day, there were those messages of safe arrival and contact information – all sent to her.  The times when he did send me contact info, it was an office memo where I was BCC’d.  On D-day, I found that he had actually put her name next to mine in the BCC line – her name first.

He went on a 3-day business trip  by himself last spring.  I had a hard time with that, but at least he stayed with our son, who knew the situation and kept an eye on him for me.  Other than that, I have gone with him on all his trips – one of his promises to me shortly after D-day.  He said he would take me on all his trips if I wanted to go.  And I have.  But this time I couldn’t.

I was fine on the first day.  I felt light and free!  It felt like time to relax and do what I wanted and eat what I wanted.  But then I was beseiged by triggers and had a complete meltdown.  I cried and off and on for two days.  Today I am better, and I must say my husband is doing better at keeping in touch.  He calls and emails every day.  It’s not like the zillion messages they shared, and nothing romantic, but it’s ok.  I don’t need that from him.  A little more might be nice, and maybe a touch of romance… but not the constant stream of messaging, emails, and letters they exchanged.  How stupid is that…

I know that I cannot watch him 24/7 and if that is needed, then the marriage is not worth keeping.  I need to turn my focus to the many great things I can do while he’s gone.  And my coach is telling me to spend time in prayer and in thinking things over without the distraction of my husband’s presence.  I will make it.  Maybe I’ll even end up enjoying it.  But it just pushes all my buttons to see him go off on a trip like that.


What timing!  Just as I was about to click “Publish” my phone rang.  It was my husband for the second time today.  He just wanted to check on me because it’s almost bed time and he knows I have frequent nightmares these days.  He said he wanted to reassure me that everything was ok and he was thinking of me.  Big tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this.  It feels good and it hurts all at the same time.


10 thoughts on “Time apart

  1. Recovering Wayward says:

    I can very much relate to this. My wife too has problems when I go off on business trips (like I am this week) and it’s not possible for her to accompany me almost ever. And yes, in the past, when I was away was the time for me and my OW to have a lot more phone conversations, and she met me up on trips a number of times.

    so this is a problem for my wife. But it’s part of my job. No way around that.

    So yes, I’m trying to give her more calls. More loving little notes. I know what she’s going through. she’s depressed more than worried.

    I read your post, and I know that my wife could virtually have written it. You show wisdom – if you have to watch your spouse 24/7 to make sure they are faithful, you have nothing and you might as well forget it.

    Keep busy. Keep your head elsewhere. Message him frequently. let him know that you need a bit more attention when he was away. He needs to retrained too.

  2. Not Over It says:

    Oh RWH – you have touched my heart. I am trying to keep busy – I’m writing to you! I’m sorry if I am sometimes too blunt. I have read so much crap on blogs that I get a little testy sometimes. No one wins in an affair situation, and no one should try to. I know you’re not and you’re doing your best.

    I am also more depressed than worried. Rationally, I know he’s being faithful. He is trying more than he ever has to help me heal. I’m just sad. Sad that the purity of our union has been soiled – he and I were virgins when we met and we discovered sex together. It was like a special bond between us that can never be renewed. I’m sad that my husband is a man who can turn his back on integrity and honor for the thrill of rekindled love. Will it be rekindled again?

    When I read your posts, it verifies for me what I have been afraid of. So sad. So depressing.

    But … I will survive. I am a resource teacher. I will bury myself in work for the rest of this day.

    Thank you, RWH. I appreciate that we can “talk” this way.

    • Recovering Wayward says:

      I know. You and I are on opposite sides of this equation. it’s not easy for anyone. And yeah, sometimes I blog when I’m pissed off or depressed, and I shouldn’t.

      I had such a great evening with my wife last night. We were open. Laughing. Passionate. She started a new job today and was both nervous and happy. I try and focus on those moments, and try and put her meltdown moments behind her, and my depressed ones.

      I’m sorry that some of my posts depress you. It’s not my intent. I’m not your husband. He may be feeling some of what I feel, but then again, he may not. This is just me. About me. Don’t internalize my stuff too much.

      • Not Over It says:

        Congratulations to your wife! I hope she enjoys her new job.

        I think we all blog our feelings as a way to process them, and people need to be prepared if they decide to step into the world of someone on the other side. I would not have been able to deal with any CS’s blog a few months ago. No, make that a few weeks ago…

        I can handle the depression now. Comes with the territory of looking at the other side. And if we disagree sometimes, that’s ok. Even if we were on the same side, we wouldn’t agree all the time. As Morgan told me yesterday, we’re all just learning from one another.

  3. jules says:

    I just found your blog. It seems that we are in very similar places post D-Day. I’m going to continue reading. So far your blog is very similar to mine. Every marriage is different, every affair is different, but unfortunately there are always similarities among everyone that has gone through this hell. I would have never thought 3 years ago this is where I would find myself today. This post hit me, because much of my husband’s affair involved his crazy travel schedule with work. He would CONSTANTLY send her messages and call her. I was lucky if he called our kids while he was gone. Rebuilding trust has been such an issue with me.

    • Not Over It says:

      So you are 3 years out from D-day?

      I’m glad you took the time to find me and to write. I will keep in touch.

      Yes, my husband’s work made it easy to fall down that slippery slope into adultery. He changed his schedule after D-day and doesn’t travel as much now, which allows me to go with him most of the time. Wish he had thought about that before.

      So yes, trust is a major hurdle. I also struggle with knowing that he fell in love with another woman while sleeping with me. The hurt is so bad. I have insecurities now that I never even thought about before.

      • jules says:

        I am almost 2 years from D-day, 3 years since the start of the actual affair. I believe the infatuation started a little before that, but it began full swing right at 3 years ago.
        I totally understand the insecurities and trust hurdle. My husband also fell in love with his affair partner. As recently and Mid July 2011 he was still mourning the loss of her. Some days are much harder than others. Some days I almost fell normal…almost.
        I really like your honest blog. I swear a lot of your posts could have been written by myself. It is nice to find others that totally understand what I go through on a daily basis.

      • Not Over It says:

        Jules! I tried to comment on your blog, but it seems I have to have an account on some specific sites before I can do that. Haven’t had time to follow through with that. So I’m glad to hear from you.

        You have a beautiful family! A lot worth fighting for…

        I know what you mean about “almost normal.” Maybe this is our new normal. Today I am feeling strong… maybe that’s because he’s not here! Ha!

        Love & prayers,

  4. jules says:

    My link to my blog seems to not be working. It is http:/julesasmrspersonality.blogspot.com

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