My coach has been telling me for a long time that my husband and I needed time apart to get better perspectives on ourselves and our marriage. He even suggested trial separation more than once when I fell into deep depression. Well, the opportunity has arrived in the form of a two-week trip. My husband has gone to his nephew’s wedding. I couldn’t go because of my work schedule. He is there for two weeks to visit family.
It was with some trepidation that I took him to the airport and kissed him goodbye. Trips are a huge trigger for me. He met up with her on some of his business trips, and when it wasn’t possible, they would spend every free moment on the phone, chatting on the computer, emailing, and sending each other songs. He sent her the song “Power of Love” by Celine Dion at the very time the rest of the family was having a bridal shower at home for our daughter. On trips to see his mom, he would talk for hours to her while “spending time” with his mother. I don’t know how many times I got angry and hurt because he didn’t bother to call until many days had passed, and he never even wrote to tell me he had arrived safely. But among the emails I found on D-day, there were those messages of safe arrival and contact information – all sent to her. The times when he did send me contact info, it was an office memo where I was BCC’d. On D-day, I found that he had actually put her name next to mine in the BCC line – her name first.
He went on a 3-day business trip by himself last spring. I had a hard time with that, but at least he stayed with our son, who knew the situation and kept an eye on him for me. Other than that, I have gone with him on all his trips – one of his promises to me shortly after D-day. He said he would take me on all his trips if I wanted to go. And I have. But this time I couldn’t.
I was fine on the first day. I felt light and free! It felt like time to relax and do what I wanted and eat what I wanted. But then I was beseiged by triggers and had a complete meltdown. I cried and off and on for two days. Today I am better, and I must say my husband is doing better at keeping in touch. He calls and emails every day. It’s not like the zillion messages they shared, and nothing romantic, but it’s ok. I don’t need that from him. A little more might be nice, and maybe a touch of romance… but not the constant stream of messaging, emails, and letters they exchanged. How stupid is that…
I know that I cannot watch him 24/7 and if that is needed, then the marriage is not worth keeping. I need to turn my focus to the many great things I can do while he’s gone. And my coach is telling me to spend time in prayer and in thinking things over without the distraction of my husband’s presence. I will make it. Maybe I’ll even end up enjoying it. But it just pushes all my buttons to see him go off on a trip like that.
What timing! Just as I was about to click “Publish” my phone rang. It was my husband for the second time today. He just wanted to check on me because it’s almost bed time and he knows I have frequent nightmares these days. He said he wanted to reassure me that everything was ok and he was thinking of me. Big tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this. It feels good and it hurts all at the same time.