I still struggle with forgiveness. What my husband did was such a betrayal of me, our marriage, our children.
A lot of people focus their anger on the affair partner. Well, I have no respect for her, that’s for sure, but I don’t focus on her. I did for a short time. I found out everything I could about her. I know for a fact that she is just a sorry excuse for a human being. If you look at what I write about, affair partner is a tiny little speck. That’s how it should be. As far as my life goes, my husband was as much to blame as she was, and he was the one who made promises to me. I have no respect for him, either, when it comes to love and honesty. I do respect him for other things. He is successful in his career and is intelligent and inspiring. He shows true concern for others and for the environment. He has tried to his best to be a good father. But where love and integrity are concerned, he has shown his true colors.
It has seemed like it would take some kind of magic for me to get past that. But I am trying. I want to make it work. In our daily lives today, we often laugh and have fun and enjoy each other’s company immensely. I just have not found a way to bring that into the core of our marriage again. I harbor fear and pain and lack of trust, and sometimes I still feel that I hold all of that against him and the anger comes back. So I guess forgiveness is a ways off still.
That sometimes makes me feel guilty. Am I such a hard person that I cannot forgive? I never thought that I was hard or mean. Just the opposite, in fact. I generally forgive him far too easily. He will cross boundaries and do inconsiderate things, and I will be mad for a while, and then I’ll forget to be mad and damn, he’s gotten away with something again. This time it seems I can’t forget to be mad.
I wrote the other day about my coach saying that I needed to see that my husband has changed before I can move forward. How do I affect that, make it happen? I’m brainstorming with my coach about that.
Today I came across an article by Dr. Frank Gunzberg. He is a well-known therapist. I subscribe to his Marriage Coaching program. That’s how I found my online coach. Anyway, his article really spoke to me, so I am copying the link here. Maybe it’ll speak to you, too.
Love & prayers to you all,